Catfished and can’t get over it

[Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway]

Just as the title says really. Met a guy online about a month ago, and we hit it off so well. Our sense of humours went together, taste in movies and board games and general outlook on life. He wasn’t copying me on that stuff; he lead the conversation and went first with a lot of our comments and it was exactly the stuff I wanted in a man. He had multiple photos online and they all matched one another. We planned a couple of meetings but I cancelled the first one when stuck at work and he cancelled the next one when stuff came up.

Well, we met tonight and he was not the man in his photos. He was 10 years older, bald and had a huge beard and overweight. Just…. Nothing at all like his photos.

I can’t get over it. We’ve talked everyday for a month. We’ve messaged and had phone calls. And he was the perfect fit personality wise but then this totally different awful person arrived.

I know now I should have insisted on a video call or something but I hate video calls and never do them so it isn’t something I would as for.

I just can’t get over it. I can’t sleep and feel sick and so upset.

Someone knock some sense into me.

Was it an old picture of him or someone else completely?

you’re right to feel creeped out but don’t let this put you off dating. This situation is not a reflection on you.

Was it his photo from his younger days or not his at all?

What did you say when you met?

So he wasn't that guy at all? He wasn't using out of date photos? Did you ask him what was going on? How long was the date?

I had ten years of online dating. Had this happens lots of times, or ghosted or blokes were married / engaged. Honestly its so common now.

In the end I invested very little time “chatting” and met them quite quickly. Then joined FB singles groups and met some decent guys, and some really nice female friends.

I met my partner in person when I wasnt even looking for someone.

Dont beat yourself up. There are many liars out there online - Id invest in “real time” meeting if I was you - to avoid the liars and cheats - flowers for you 💐💐

It wasn’t him at all.
It was his colouring, he is Mediterranean, but that’s the only similarity. I guess they were photos of a friend or family member or something.

When he sat down I said, “oh sorry, I’m actually waiting for someone so this chair is taken.” And then he spoke and it was his voice. I didn’t say anything for a full 2 minutes I don’t think. And then I got up and left.

I think I’m feelings this worse than I should because it was my first date in about 6 years. I just couldn’t fit in dating. Single parent with a useless ex and I was building a business.
My kids are older now and their dad is actually pulling his weight so I have a life. My business is going great; I’m 34 and mortgage free. So, I had time to date and actually felt like I wanted to. He was the third guy I spoke to, and we just clicked so well.

I don’t think I’d care if I had been dating for ages or just going through the motions or whatever but this just feels like a gut punch.

I can’t understand why anyone would do that, what weird behaviour. Are you 100% sure it was the same man?! Who on earth is going to think “oh completely different person, meh never mind, I’ll stay and chat”. Bizarre!

Did you ask him? Did he message after? I’m guessing your ideal man could be similar to many women’s ideal man and perhaps that’s what he does or he just got lucky.

Sorry this was your first impression of dating op, from what I’ve read on mn online dating is a minefield. I think you’ll have to chalk it up to experience, try and laugh about it, you had a lucky escape!

I don’t know, I’m a DnD playing, board gaming, Monty python and sci-fi obsessed woman. We had stupid Monty python quote sessions and talks about dungeons and dragons lore and just stupid in jokes. But politically and morally, we seemed in tune.

And then some totally different person.

When I got on the train, he had messaged to “explain” but I told him he was a psychopath and needed to grow the fuck up and get a life. Not my finest moment. He then blocked me on everything. He blocked me!

Loving the fact you told him what you thought , go girl 🤣

he is clearly a cock

Plenty more normal fish in the sea, try not to let this put you off

I can't imagine why anyone would do that, how weird.

That aside, good on you for handling it the way you did. You did nothing wrong at all.

Well done on just leaving than being drawn into discussion, he doesn't deserve your time.

I'm actually surprised he went on the date given wasn't even his old photos but a different persons. Wonder if they think by that point their date maybe is invested/likes them enough to overlook it and the lies?

I did catch one guy out who had bailed on our date. He had used cousins photos and was with wife/kid, bored wanting to chat. I don't think intended physically cheating on her but didn't see what he was doing as harmful.

I agree with suggestions to keep interactions brief pre-date, but in practice find that hard in practice as find dates too nerve-wracking when don't feel like I know them a bit first. Its rubbish though when you liked the personality but have zero attraction in person.

I think you’re being overly dramatic. He was playing games and you caught him out. It was always going to end that way. Forget it and move on.

I think if you stayed and made polite conversation, that would have been awful, but you got up and left, which was such an empowering thing to do! You didn't take his shit.

I think the advice is to quickly meet up for a coffee, don't even give up a whole evening, and don't waste time on chatting until you've met.

I’d say not really catfishing as such. More like a Cyrano de Bergerac scenario. A bit daft of him, but perhaps he though that, having attracted you via your shared interests/personalities etc you might still be at least a little interested in him regardless of how he looked?

How did he explain what he did?

I had something similar once when I was younger. Chatted with a guy who seemed interesting. He said he was in his 30s and had pictures that showed a fit, trim guy in his 30s. When he showed up he was much, much older, balding, very overweight and unkempt. I didn't recognise him at all, I wouldn't have approached him unless he had recognised me. We had a normal date and then went for a walk but I declined a further date. He was frustrated and said that I should give him a chance.

I was too young and unassertive to tell him to fuck off. The feedback I gave was that I am not attracted to extremely overweight men.

I'm sorry you had this happen but it wasn't on you. You just got unlucky.

This is totally on him and such a stupid thing to do

you were so right to tell him to grow the fuck up and get a life

hes blocked you as you were straight talking and no nonsense, he can’t take being put in his place

good for you

Good for you for calling him out on this. Honestly the old me would have sat through a date! I do find video calls really helpful and I have found men using much younger pictures where they have hair and are much slimmer. I'm sure women do the same. Just don't invest next time, do a video call and meet ASAP.

When I would OLD I would engage in some text/messaging banter, maybe half a dozen brief messages to establish common territory and to check they were literate and didn't use stupid teenage textspeak, then want a/one telephone call. The call was to see if we could hold a conversation because if we couldn't over the phone, it wasn't going to work in person. And I'd ring them not v/versa.
If we met it was initially for a daytime/weekend coffee. If a weekend didn't suit straightaway - maybe he would have kid commitment (though I was early 50s and child-free so didn't want a guy with young children anyway), the meetup could wait awhile until he was available. But if weekends never suited, he wasn't for me as that was my main socialising time that I'd want to spend with a partner.
Gosh, those were the days. Over 18 months I "auditioned" just over 30 guys. Eventually met my one 15 years ago.

You poor bloody thing. He blocked you out of guilt, he knows he is a complete arsehole. I am glad you put him straight.

After a few (lesser) catfish incidents myself, I had a very strict 'meet quickly' rule with OLD, so I was not invested in them at all before I met them.

Also, learned of only do coffee first too. some painful dinner dates. Coffee was date zero. If THAT went well, then we went on a date

Sorry if I derailed your thread @Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway I just thought my perseverance/experience might encourage you to keep going. I am more than twice your age. There are good guys out there.
But stick to your principles. If I were doing it all over again I'd definitely do a video-call; the technology is there as a bullshit filter.
I think having a bad experience early on will have built some resilience for the OLD minefield.

Met a guy once who had a profile pic like Antonio Banderas.

Turned up and he was more like Danny Divito.

No idea why he did it, not like he'd never get found out!!!

He was bald, had a beard and was overweight? You're right, he was an awful person. I'm not surprised you feel sick and can't sleep.

I think the key lesson here is- dont get emotionally involved or attached to someone you havent met. Keep text messages and online conversations brief, cordial, and short and keep your emotions in check and dont engage in long conversations until you have actually met the person. You are struggling now because you got emotionally attached to someone who turned out not to be who they said they were. Its hard to accept because you are a decent person who was honest about yourself and therefore you expect others to be the same. Unfortunately, online dating is full of people like him and the only way you can protect yourself from this happening is by having iron strong boundaries and a strong hold over your emotions. Its tempting to meet someone and get carried away with "what ifs..." or images of the two of you together. Dont do that- keep it light, and always just have the attitude of "we'll see". If someone tries to keep engaging you online in deep conversations before you have met, always be guarded about that and just tell them "I'd love to have this conversation in person".

There are decent people in online dating but you will need to protect yourself by not running ahead in your imagination and dont invest so much in someone until you know who they really are and that they are also investing in you.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Coffee or drink after chatting for a couple of days/a week if you click. No emotional investment then.