Catfished and can’t get over it

[Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway]

Just as the title says really. Met a guy online about a month ago, and we hit it off so well. Our sense of humours went together, taste in movies and board games and general outlook on life. He wasn’t copying me on that stuff; he lead the conversation and went first with a lot of our comments and it was exactly the stuff I wanted in a man. He had multiple photos online and they all matched one another. We planned a couple of meetings but I cancelled the first one when stuck at work and he cancelled the next one when stuff came up.

Well, we met tonight and he was not the man in his photos. He was 10 years older, bald and had a huge beard and overweight. Just…. Nothing at all like his photos.

I can’t get over it. We’ve talked everyday for a month. We’ve messaged and had phone calls. And he was the perfect fit personality wise but then this totally different awful person arrived.

I know now I should have insisted on a video call or something but I hate video calls and never do them so it isn’t something I would as for.

I just can’t get over it. I can’t sleep and feel sick and so upset.

Someone knock some sense into me.

Look, dishonesty is a deal breaker for me.

However women as a group have absolutely no high ground to stand on when is comes to lying about appearance. None whatsoever.

Women who wax and pluck and trim; who fake tan, fake nails, fake eyelashes; who dye their hair, and eyebrows; who wear layers of make-up; who wear support underwear and padded, plunge, push-up bras; who freeze and fill and surgically alter their faces and bodies; who wear a variety of costumes explicitly designed to inveigle an appreciative response; who take multiple photos, from flattering angles, carefully select the best, and apply filters to smooth and enhance; then show the final result to the world as an honest representation of who they are. Aye, right.

That's a whole other thread. But maybe rein in the outrage at faking an attractive appearance.

Awful because he had just been revealed to be TOTALLY DIFFERENT and lying to OP!

I had this once. Clearly used photos of himself from 15/20 years ago, turned up and from a distance he had a full head of grey which he didn't have on the pictures and looked around 40 despite claiming to be 28 like on his pics.
I didn't even meet him, just texted saying I'd had an emergency. I posted about it on here, it was around 4 years ago, i was told I should've at least stayed for a drink and given him a chance! Yeah right, if he lies about that what else is he lying about

Totally agree with this. Someone gave me the advice years ago - ‘pre agreed limit of one coffee date then decide’

it transformed my online dating experience

no drinks, no dinner, no waiting weeks to meet. Establish interest, meet up for a short time. If interested proceed…

The point that @Plbrookes is making is that the OP said herself that he was awful based on his looks.
She didn't say "I looked up and there was this totally different, overweight, bald man. I realised that he'd catfished me and that was an awful thing to do"
Her use of 'awful' was absolutely based on his looks.

Words, and the use of them, matter.

Awful because he was bald, bearded and overweight. Read the OP.

@Plbrookes I did read the OP and got the point of the issue pretty quickly. You didn't. Maybe you should read it again and try to find the issue you missed - merely a suggestion right back to you.

@Clementineorsatsuma thank you, that's exactly what I'm saying!

I understood it first time. You might want to try again.

Because IT WASN'T THE MAN IN THE PHOTO!!!!

She was attracted to the man in the photo.

The man sat opposite her wasn't that man. That is the point!

Are we now all supposed to find bald, overweight men attractive?

I done a bit of OLD when I was younger (about 10 years ago) and every single guy I met looked different to their photos. From only showing "good" angle or lighting to very old photos to completely different people. I had a few surprised comments "oh, you look like your picture".
I absolutely hated OLD. I had so many dates I cant even remember all of them, none went anywhere and I haven't met a single person I would actually like to date. It was actually really weird - I had no problem meeting nice attractive people IRL, but online I only met weirdos. Must be my luck!

@Plbrookes patronising klaxon activated

OP - I d only recently joined an OLD site and very quickly I’m not sure it’s for me

First guy I chatted to was definitely a catfish. We arranged to meet 3 times and he came up with a BS reason to drop out last minute each time. So I arranged another date and deliberately blew him out and received a torrent of abuse - but no mention of the 3 times he did it to me!!

i decided from now on it’s no long messaging, speak on phone and meet up for casual coffee date other week or two.

Next guy was lovely but no spark. Then another seemed great. We spoke every day for 3/4 days a couple of hours each day. Arranged a meet up for last Saturday then k was sitting in work on Friday and my phone pinged with message from him - a dick pic with message ‘so you know what you’ll be getting tomorrow’ - deleted and blocked. There had been no sexual talk at all so why he thought this was acceptable who knows??

But I’m an optimist albeit a much more cautious one.

You did nothing wrong OP. I totally get how you feel but this is on him. There are decent men out there for us

"He clearly has very low self esteem to try and be someone who he is not. Probably knocked even more when you just scarpered based on his looks"

Zero sympathy. If he's got self esteem issues, he needs to work on himself, not mislead his unsuspecting dates.

Don’t blame you OP- you were emotionally invested and have been lied to. You’re within your rights to feel upset. Well done for getting up and leaving.

If you’ve not tried Bumble I’d use that app; friends have very successfully, and it’s where the woman makes the first move.

Seriously? You’re rude.

No one is saying he is an awful person. We all have things we find attractive or don't mind in others, this guy had totally misrepresented himself.

In fact, he is an awful person for lying!

That's nice dear.

Lol exactly

So weird that people are defining him.

Op doesn’t even say ‘he looked awful’ she deceived him as an awful person. Which he is because of what he did.

Ops description wasn’t saying ‘older, overweight bald men’ are awful. She was describing him.

The awful comment was in a completely different paragraph.

I can’t work out if people are defending him because the bar is so low for men, or because they don’t like to be seen old that, actually, lying online is deceiving someone and that it’s ok to not fancy someone because of how they look.

But this isn’t even about looks, he deliberately misled the Op. if she isn’t attracted to bald, older, overweight men that’s absolutely fine. She has no obligation to be. I am over weight, I am not many men’s preference, that’s ok too. The point here is that he tried to put her in a position where she entertained the date, because she felt emotionally connected to him or out of guilt.

Who wants a man that would do that?

a dick pic with message ‘so you know what you’ll be getting tomorrow’ - deleted and blocked. There had been no sexual talk at all so why he thought this was acceptable who knows??

It absolutely baffles me why men do this. It’s bizarre. I could understand it if you were in a relationship and both fancied each other but to do this when you haven’t even met? Weird AF. What do they think will happen? You’ll faint at the sight of their scrotum? It’s laughable.

He should have posted his real pictures then. Why didn't he? Because he wouldn't have been attracted to the women who were then interested in him? Hmm...

What was his explanation for doing something so bizarre? You mentioned he tried to explain.

No, you're not supposed to find people with x characteristics attractive, you're supposed not to deem someone an awful person because of their physical appearance.

@Plbrookes yes but he's awful for lying about his appearance. He's clearly an untrustworthy person.