Catfished and can’t get over it

[Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway]

Just as the title says really. Met a guy online about a month ago, and we hit it off so well. Our sense of humours went together, taste in movies and board games and general outlook on life. He wasn’t copying me on that stuff; he lead the conversation and went first with a lot of our comments and it was exactly the stuff I wanted in a man. He had multiple photos online and they all matched one another. We planned a couple of meetings but I cancelled the first one when stuck at work and he cancelled the next one when stuff came up.

Well, we met tonight and he was not the man in his photos. He was 10 years older, bald and had a huge beard and overweight. Just…. Nothing at all like his photos.

I can’t get over it. We’ve talked everyday for a month. We’ve messaged and had phone calls. And he was the perfect fit personality wise but then this totally different awful person arrived.

I know now I should have insisted on a video call or something but I hate video calls and never do them so it isn’t something I would as for.

I just can’t get over it. I can’t sleep and feel sick and so upset.

Someone knock some sense into me.

I can't believe some people are defending him. He is a liar and a fraud.
It doesn't matter if he's self conscious or unconfident about his looks, that's not OPs problem to fix and typical of telling women to "be kind."

You did exactly the right thing Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway. You left and kept yourself safe. He can't be trusted. Who knows what else he lies about?

@Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway is he in Kent, initial J?

@SummerLover01 😂

Of course it’s women’s fault isn’t it always ??

Ffs - I personally don’t use filters but hue can showing the best of yourself be compared to using photos if a completely different person?

No different people find different things attractive.

The poster quoted was is asking is ‘we all’ must find bald, overweight men attractive. And the answer is no.

Plenty of women love beards, like bald men and like overweight men. He can date those.

No one is obliged to go out with a man because he has low self esteem, is a liar, has a beard or is bald. Nor do they have an obligation to over look lying, because of any of those.

It’s weird you think someone should date someone they aren’t physically attracted to and who has lied to them. Or they are the bad person.

I agree but that's not why OP called him awful. She called him awful because of his physical appearance. We should have moved on from that.

@Stravaig the difference is he used a completely different photo. He didn't spend time, money and effort on personal grooming to fit a particular aesthetic.

"It’s weird you think someone should date someone they aren’t physically attracted to and who has lied to them."

What an extraordinarily dishonest statement. Quote anything I've said that supports that. Dishonesty is such an ... awful ... personality trait.

Plenty of women love beards, like bald men and like overweight men. He can date those.

Exactly. But as a pp pointed out, the women who might find bald overweight, older men attractive are probably not the women he is approaching. He’s approaching much younger women instead and having to deceive them just to get them to meet him. What an utter creep.

Don't let it put you off op. There are some good ones out there!
Women do it too, I once met a lovely guy, first thing he said was thank god you look like your photos, he'd previously met someone who sent him pics of her friend then wondered why he didn't hang around for the date! She was even shocked when he said he wasn't staying, said she thought it would be ok! Odd behaviour!

I agree with others who say Cyrano de Bergerac too - you clicked so well that it didn’t matter what he looked like but as you say it wasn’t even him!
I could overlook ‘slightly’ younger/flattering photos but completely different person is not on.
Do as my DD does and not invest time chatting pre-date - chat a bit online, arrange for a coffee/drink and see how it goes.

It’s pathetic and he wasn’t a young man - I’m 50 and he was a couple of years older.

Are they so proud of their dangly bits they think us women won’t be able to resist?
Its a dick mate, we’ve all seen one before and they’re not particularly attractive

To all the people defending the guy - first of all, if you don't want to be judged by your looks, you don't put a picture on; its quite rare but I know its a done thing. This guys exactly catfished the OP as he put an attractive picture on to get interest. It was his "hook".

Also, I bet you anything that this guy was not looking for just any woman with "great personality". He was looking for a younger good looking woman. He would have been extremely disappointed to see someone closer to him in appearance! It really pisses me off how these older and not really attractive men whine that women hurt them by ignoring them, but see what they say about average looking older and/ or overweight women! They all want slim, pretty and young girls. This what makes them awful, not their looks as such.

OP you are a legend for how you handled it. Go forward you'll be ok.

If I put up photos of myself when I was 30 and then met a man of 30 and he described me as a middle aged frump, I would think "Well, I asked for that".

Op, I cant work out if you thought he was awful just because of the way he looked or because he lied…….or both.
He’s probably disillusioned by being written off before women even get to know him and hoped you might like him enough to see past his looks. His mistake, however, was to assume that you’d be able to see past his lies and deception. Muppet.

Well I would never go out with a bearded guy, I hate beards. I make no apologies for it.

And of course the disconnect from what you're expecting to what you get will make you think they look awful.

Really? How is it dishonest?

No one including the Op deemed him awful for anything other than lying.

He lied to her. That’s the issue. It’s really ok for her to not, also, be attracted to his physical appearance.

Trying to shame women into accepting this sort of behaviour, is an awful personality trait.

Yep false representation online isn’t restricted to men. Sadly it’s pretty common it seems.

My make friend as chatting to a lady who told him she was 53 and sent lots of photos of an attractive middle aged women man. When they met, an old lady with a walking stick turned up - he’s been talking to the mother of the woman in the photos who was actually in her 70’s and got really angry that he refused to stay

Yes but would he be justified in saying you were an awful person because you were a middle-aged frump? That's the question.

Talk about missing the point!! 🤦‍♀️

So you can't quote anything to support your dishonest statement, you were just being dishonest. That seems pretty awful.

WHO CARES if she thought he looked awful. If he didn't think it mattered he wouldn't have lied.

Everyone is shallow up to a point. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.

As would I. It’s no different to saying you want kids and then admitting you don’t really or pretending you want a long term relationship when all you really want is a shag. If you blatantly lie about yourself, then you have to accept you might get negative comments! If you don’t want that response then don’t lie. It’s not rocket science and it’s not difficult to be honest with people.

If I'd sent him a photo looking like Blake Lively but I was really in my early 50s and overweight then I think it would be okay, yes. Because I would have lied about who I am.

If you send a slightly flattering recent photo of you and they say you're awful that would be mean, because you're not lying, you're just presenting yourself at your best.

Why didn't this man approach someone who was a similar age and attractiveness level as himself? It reeks of entitlement. Women have to be kind but men get to lie about themselves to attract a younger, more attractive woman because somehow they deserve it. No. Just no.