Catfished and can’t get over it

[Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway]

Just as the title says really. Met a guy online about a month ago, and we hit it off so well. Our sense of humours went together, taste in movies and board games and general outlook on life. He wasn’t copying me on that stuff; he lead the conversation and went first with a lot of our comments and it was exactly the stuff I wanted in a man. He had multiple photos online and they all matched one another. We planned a couple of meetings but I cancelled the first one when stuck at work and he cancelled the next one when stuff came up.

Well, we met tonight and he was not the man in his photos. He was 10 years older, bald and had a huge beard and overweight. Just…. Nothing at all like his photos.

I can’t get over it. We’ve talked everyday for a month. We’ve messaged and had phone calls. And he was the perfect fit personality wise but then this totally different awful person arrived.

I know now I should have insisted on a video call or something but I hate video calls and never do them so it isn’t something I would as for.

I just can’t get over it. I can’t sleep and feel sick and so upset.

Someone knock some sense into me.

And this is why we women end so often in shite relationships. Because instead of dealing with unacceptable behaviour we assume that is our job to fix , or excuse men who owe us nothing!

OP, The fact that he may have low self esteem, a sad life, a balding head or is only attracted to much younger women has nothing to do with you. His lies do.

Even before reading about a cat fish like this; my experience from getting into big chats with someone before I met them is that it's a mistake..... You built it up so much (it's easy to) them meet them in person and maybe they're not really how you thought they looked from photos and/or there's no chemistry etc.

You experience a lot of disappointment - I was dating while a bit depressed (silly) and it was worse than disappointment.

My advice to anyone is to meet as quickly as possible. Short date coffee or a short walk - asap.

Hope you’re not implying that being bald is a horrible thing…

Yes, and the thing that annoys me is the hypocrisy. These men never go for women their own age who are in similar circumstances, they always go for much younger, attractive women because they feel entitled to them and then they're absolutely baffled and angry that they dont want them!

What was his explanation?

As in...he useda photo of a different person? I thought you were being a bit harsh as maybe it was a slightly old pic and he'd just aged and gained weight. But he used someone else's picture! That's awful.

I think the rule with OLD (according to dsis) is not to get too involved until you've met in person a few times. That's her rule anyway. I'm sure others have different methods. This is probably why she has that rule. What a horrible man! Why would he do that?

@Plbrookes still def a troll but I'm up early having my coffee

By your logic Elizabeth Holmes isn't a 'bad person' because you're not a bad person for failing to revolutionize blood testing! Most of us haven't done that!

Anna Delvey also shouldn't have been imprisoned because there's nothing wrong with not being a multimillionaire socialite. How shallow of the court system!

No. OP was.

Really weird that people defend him

he IS awful for lying, and for using fake photos

it was catfishing and I think you handled it well OP

Oh yes, he's also a nasty old pervert who letches at teenage girls and says women over about 40 are too old for him! He's pushing 80!

It isn't that he is bald and overweight that is the problem is it though? If he'd just used those pics op still may have liked him anyway. Or if not op, then someone else would and they would still like him when they met him too which is crucial really. What a mad thing to do!

If I posted a photo of victoria secrets model as my dating profile and I was in fact middle aged and overweight, yes, I would absolutely expect the men I met to react to that and would accept that some men wouldnt take it well.

You are deluded if you think the man in this case was only attracted to the OP because of her love of month python. He was being just as "shallow". He clearly targeted OP because he fancied her and she was younger. Its weird you keep defending him- but maybe OP could pass your details on to him if you think he's such a catch?

So just because personality is apparently more important than looks (can be true but let's not deny physical attraction is also required) OP should suck it up and overlook his lying, manipulative personality (yup he sure sounds like a wonderful guy, deliberately misleading people is a very attractive trait)?

Stuff that. A good person doesn't do what he does.

It's the deceit that caused her reaction and it's totally ok to be shocked when the physical appearance is at odds with what you were led to expect

When i was old i met some men who looked nothing like their photo, everyone wants to put their best foot forward. It goes both ways, I'll never forget arriving to one date and he actually commented relief that i looked like my photos!

It's not the OP's (or any woman's) job to protect or boost this (or any) man's self-esteem.

If he wants to protect his self-esteem, perhaps next time he could try honesty rather than duplicitousness.

Why are all the apologists deliberately ignoring this man's deceitful actions?

You underestimate the degree of emotional upset catfishing creates. Are you on the spectrum?

Elizabeth Holmes is an awful person because she's a fraudster. Not because of her looks.

OP's date is an awful person because he's a fraudster. Not because of his looks.

He's awful because he’s a bare faced liar - are you deliberately missing the point?

I'm not defending the man here. He absolutely shouldn't have lied. I'm calling out OP for calling someone 'awful' as a synonym for 'unattractive'. I realise there'll be no shortage of posters who will continue to misrepresent what I'm saying.

She called him awful for lying though. At no point did she say "he is bald, overweight and his appearance made me feel sick". Its the deception that made her feel sick. Thats very obvious if you read what she wrote.

Yes, and read the original post. It is crystal clear that the description 'awful person' is based on his appearance. "this totally different awful person arrived."

I suggest you read the original post.

"this totally different awful person arrived."

OP, view this as a learning experience.

Moving forwards if their messages imply they are literate and there is some common ground, and their photo is okayish, arrange a video call. If they pass that, a quick coffee or walk. Don't get into daily communication with soneone you've never met however credible their excuses appear to be. That is the way madness lies and you're too busy for such nonsense.

View this silly man as an experience that has taught you a better way forward. Some women are desperate for a relationship; you are not and handled it so very well. The nerve of him!

Onwards and upwards.