Catfished and can’t get over it

[Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway]

Just as the title says really. Met a guy online about a month ago, and we hit it off so well. Our sense of humours went together, taste in movies and board games and general outlook on life. He wasn’t copying me on that stuff; he lead the conversation and went first with a lot of our comments and it was exactly the stuff I wanted in a man. He had multiple photos online and they all matched one another. We planned a couple of meetings but I cancelled the first one when stuck at work and he cancelled the next one when stuff came up.

Well, we met tonight and he was not the man in his photos. He was 10 years older, bald and had a huge beard and overweight. Just…. Nothing at all like his photos.

I can’t get over it. We’ve talked everyday for a month. We’ve messaged and had phone calls. And he was the perfect fit personality wise but then this totally different awful person arrived.

I know now I should have insisted on a video call or something but I hate video calls and never do them so it isn’t something I would as for.

I just can’t get over it. I can’t sleep and feel sick and so upset.

Someone knock some sense into me.

I'd go for this approach. Use the dating app as a kind of introductory tool but don't spend ages chatting on it

I'm not surprised you feel upset. You were duped.

On a smaller scale this happened to me too. Nowhere near as long as a month though, cheek of him, glad you didn't stay out of awkwardness or politeness.

I learned not to chat for too long before meeting because the avoidant ones love that.

The point is the deceit - you know that.

You're deliberately missing the point.

my reply was meant for this…

the point is the deceit, and you know it.

This happened to me. I was so relieved to find out early on that he was a dick

Two thoughts:

Always face time before you go to the trouble of meeting

Don't get emotionally invested too soon.

@Plbrookes and a liar and a fraud. You missed those points.

Years ago I was chatting to a young tattooed Robbie Williams type who told me he was a music producer in LA.

We never met, but there was a phone update where your contacts matched with their profile pictures on social media.

He was twenty years older, five stone heavier and wearing an actual anorak. Completely different man. Like if “trainspotter Malcolm” was a picture.

So uncontrite when called out on it, that six months later he even sent me a message to say had I been out in a particular bar in the city because he recognised me.

Gross. Stalking too.

And no, it’s not ageist or fattist or whatever to say that. It’s deception, pure and simple, and it’s awful.

Now I do a full background search before I meet anybody for the first time.

I foun OLD men put pressure on you to chat (online) endlessly. I would rather watch netflix than chit chat with men I hadnt met. Some of them do prefer chatting to meeting.

That's so spooky. No wonder you're creeped out.

I was afraid you'd sent your life savings or something. You chatted for a while, then went on a date. No huge loss to you. But I get that it's painful.

So next time, just meet ASAP.

I learned the hard way to meet up as soon as possible. Chatting and texting can feel like a nice way of easing into things, but unfortunately there are too many time-wasters and frauds.

I’m really sorry that this happened to you and I admire your very healthy self-esteem in walking out.

It’s a tough lesson but I think you now know that you need to have a video call or short daytime meeting early on with someone before you get drawn in and emotionally attached. Even if he had looked exactly like his pictures there is no way that the real man could have measured up to the impression that you had created in your head.

Sorry. I own the rights to the only hot DnD playing man except Joe WhatsHisFace from Magic Mike.

My DH and Joe. That's it.

On another note, women are in such short supply in DnD circles, surely there's a massive pool of blokes ripe for the taking IRL.

I think you’ve missed the point! Clearly this isn’t why op is saying he was awful - more that he was a deceitful liar!!!

OP firstly he must’ve really liked you because he turned up knowing he was about to be uncovered!!! So take some confidence back there. Secondly well done on giving him what for. You might feel awful today but it will pass - I bet he’s fine this before and feels so shit about himself I bet he does this repeatedly. It’s mega fucked up behaviour!!

Keep going don’t give up. Meet up early for a coffee, don’t waste time on chitchat beforehand. This is all on him and zero reflection on you!!!! X

I’ve never tried OLD it I’m sure lots of the advice given by PP is good. But walking out the way you did - I think YOU ROCK!

This was my feeling too.
He was obviously in the wrong lying to you BUT being overweight and bald doesn't make him an awful person.
My husband is bald and overweight and hes wonderful.
This guy obviously is pretty entitled/deluded which make him more awful than his weight /baldness.

Sorry you've been treated so poorly OP.

He's blocked you as he doesn't want to hear the home truths you were telling him and confront his own bad behaviour. He'll be sitting at home justifying to himself his actions in his head but the truth is he lied and lied big time. That's no way to start a relationship.

Once you've had a chance to process your feelings, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back out there. I don't date anymore but agree with PP about meeting up quite quickly. My experience was it is good to message and talk on the phone but nothing beats meeting someone.

Good luck

The point you have missed is over there ➡️

You could try reading what OP posted. Merely a suggestion.

The OP didn't say he was awful because he was older, bald etc. Those were the characteristics that marked him out as a different person.

So you click with who he is as a person, but you don't like the way he looks in real life?

I'm not clear whether he used a very flattering younger photo of himself, or whether he used a photo of a different person entirely? Did he lie in describing himself too? (Although most women do that too.) Dishonesty would bother me.

Either way, you did get on well, you are compatible ... until you saw his appearance. It's fine to not be attracted to him, but he's not a 'totally different awful' person just because you don't like his looks. He's the same person, in different packaging.

What if the next one is prettier, but you have less in common? It's good to be clear in your own mind about the relative importance of physical attributes vs personality, compatibility and shared values.

Your reaction in just leaving was extreme. As if you felt entitled to Prince Charming but saw a peasant boy and were flouncily offended.

I have been on numerous dates where they guys have lied about their height, some by quite a margin.
One told me he was 5'11 and when he turned up he was 5'6 (a couple of inches shorter than me).
I cannot pursue anything with someone so deceitful.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What a prick of a man.

As could you. She described his physical appearance (bald, overweight, older etc) as being totally different to his photos and then later she said when she thought about the fact they'd been in contact for a month but he clearly lied she "felt sick". She did not say his appearance made her "feel sick".

She was duped though.

If she'd shown up, his age, his weight, shorter hair, he no doubt would have felt duped.

"Well, we met tonight and he was not the man in his photos. He was 10 years older, bald and had a huge beard and overweight. Just…. Nothing at all like his photos."

"And he was the perfect fit personality wise but then this totally different awful person arrived. "

Do you know where your husband was yesterday?

OP didn't say that made him awful, it's how she knew he was a different person.