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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated

211 replies

Bagpuss2022 · 25/05/2023 16:46

I know it sounds melodramatic and I have actually cried over this.
my DH had a day off on Monday he sorted out our unit in the living room. He didn’t tell me he was doing this by the way or would of told him what not to chuck.
He's gone and thrown away a A3 folder of all the kids special bits from school you know the kind the nursery ones with the handprints and that poem. There first mothers days cards y6 leaving certificates with photos on etc. I am ruthless and only ever keep the very special bits
we have 3 Dc oldest 22 youngest 13 so it’s not like I’m going to get anything like that again.
He said he thought it was just junk I know
he's not as sentimental as me but come on he could of least checked with me.
He thinks I’m being silly and is now in a mood with me

OP posts:
randomusername2020 · 25/05/2023 20:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Bagpuss2022 · 25/05/2023 20:44

Thanks for all the lovely replies sorry too many to reply.
Have just had to spend two hours sat with him and trying to act normal at one of DDs activities. He is being all contrite now but i can’t forgive His initial reaction I’m sure I will in time.
to those who don’t understand how much it meant to me that’s fine if your not sentimental but to me it was important.
some of those things are over 20 years old before mobile phone cameras.
DS1 has a life limiting condition and although he’s thriving now we don’t know what the future holds.
thanks for the idea to contact the recycling centre will do that in the morning first thing but our recycling bins go into a big bin like the general refuse
And for the bags they might just go missing for a long while I’m not vindictive enough to get rid

OP posts:
sheldonia · 25/05/2023 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Only after someone else was nasty and aggressive to me. Go give them a kicking for starting it.

randomusername2020 · 25/05/2023 20:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

sheldonia · 25/05/2023 20:46

sheldonia · 25/05/2023 18:48

I don't really get this. Memories are what you have in yourself, they aren't bits of paper and cheesy poems with smudgy handprints. No memories are erased by getting rid of the paper.

Still, if OP wanted it he should not have chucked it out. Although if she knew he was clearing out the press, she should have moved it or mentioned it at least.

Show quote history

Since you've got yourselves so confused and are being nasty bullies, my first perfectly polite,balanced and pleasant post.

Yiz can apologise any time.

randomusername2020 · 25/05/2023 20:53

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

mcmooberry · 25/05/2023 21:00

Oh God I would be devastated too and would definitely have cried over it.

ScoobyBooby · 25/05/2023 21:05

Sorry this would devastate me too . I feel for you OP and I hope that your DH realises how important these keepsakes are !
xx

oakleaffy · 25/05/2023 21:20

@Bagpuss2022 What an oaf!
Chuck your husband's paper bags away that he saves from his football club and see how he feels.
I treasure the early school stuff so completely get where you are coming from.

     There was a boy in DS's reception class who used to take home other kid's paintings- He took a horse painted by DS- I asked for it back- and the person who collected  him said she threw it away as it was ''Just scrawl''...

What a philistine!..It absolutely wasn't 'Scrawl'-Maddeningly the kids had the same name, so I asked the teacher to put the surnames on in future.
It still upsets me as it was a lovely horse.

Summerfun54321 · 25/05/2023 21:33

That is the one thing I would rescue in a house fire. Fair enough he isn't sentimental but it doesn't take much to empathise. I think the worst aspect is you are grieving for those items and memories and he doesn't give 2 shits.

rumpsteak · 25/05/2023 21:36

I'm woith your DH. I needed to have a clearout last year and I went through a wardrobe that was full of this kind of stuff for my four. I filicked through some of it and realised it was all junk that meant nothing to me or the kids so I binned it. It felt right to save it at the time but it held no value when I ditched it.

AnonyMenOhPee · 25/05/2023 21:48

rumpsteak · 25/05/2023 21:36

I'm woith your DH. I needed to have a clearout last year and I went through a wardrobe that was full of this kind of stuff for my four. I filicked through some of it and realised it was all junk that meant nothing to me or the kids so I binned it. It felt right to save it at the time but it held no value when I ditched it.

He wasn’t keeping it - she was. You don’t just chuck things away without checking with the other person. It wasn’t a load of junk mail

stayathomer · 25/05/2023 21:55

Yannnnnbu . Any time dh decides to go cleaning I hide all ‘memories’ away. Wtf is wrong with men ? (Ironically from a woman whose mother gave away/threw out waaaayyyy too much of her childhood!!)

Batalax · 25/05/2023 22:25

I’d be so mad. What does he say when you compare it to throwing his football junk out?

MwahHaHa · 25/05/2023 22:53

Lets not do the whats wrong with men thing. There's lots of women who would throw that stuff out.

Many of us don't associate memories with things. They're just things. But there's no wrong or right here, everyone is different.

MedievalMadness · 26/05/2023 00:51

The memories being more important than things comment is supposed to be a consolation. No good is going to come from dwelling on something that’s lost.

Obviously for people with dementia circumstances are very different.

And what about memory boxes that bereavement midwives take great care to put together tangible keepsakes of a stillborn baby or one who died shortly after birth? These parents have very few memories to actually remember. They won’t get any more hand or footprints or any other pictures, or a lock of hair, to look at and have as proof that that little being existed and that they will always be their parent. If memories were more important than objects, the prints, pictures, clothing, toys etc inside these boxes wouldn’t be important would they?

And yes, people with dementia, brain injuries and other cognitive difficulties - Pictures, postcards, drawings and other items that have other meaning for that person make a difference to their lives.

Memories don’t always stay within our heads. Sometimes there are very few memories of lives that have been cut short. Some things are more than just some things .

EllandRd · 26/05/2023 00:56

Spidertights · 25/05/2023 17:33

What he did was very wrong, but his reaction to your distress is disgusting.

Oh be quiet

EllandRd · 26/05/2023 01:08

My parents threw out every single dance statue and trophy I had gotten from the age of 5 upwards to 21. They were beautiful as well, I could not earn any more as I had done them all. Having the perfect house and how it looked to their friends was more important than my trophies. She never even asked me, she took them all to the skip. Still furious now nearly 30 years later. I absolutely understand why you are upset OP.

Newestname002 · 26/05/2023 02:35

@Bagpuss2022 dear Bagpuss (I used to love watching this programme!)

He said he thought it was just junk I know he's not as sentimental as me but come on he could of least checked with me.He thinks I’m being silly and is now in a mood with me.

What a shame he didn't put himself in YOUR place and think you'd like to keep those physical memories. He's known you for long enough, after all... 🌹

likeadisgruntledpelican · 26/05/2023 05:09

I love how @sheldonia is totally wrong in her 'facts' about memory anyway. I'm sure other people have verified but I got derailed at her little tantrum. I have to know and do memory science research for my job, so anyone interested in the real science:

Memories are stored, but gradually fade and become more difficult to access as the neurological pathways leading to the memory get weaker if they're not recalled regularly. It's kind of like an actual path that no one walks anymore and becomes overgrown and inaccessible.

When you have an object, smell, location that is associated with just that memory, it's like a bulldozer clearing the path and allowing you full, easy, instant access again. Objects like the ones OP lost are the absolute strongest triggers that give access to the 'whole' memory again because of the powerful emotions attached to the object and the memory. The research on Flashbulb Memories and the developments since then support this.

So it's all very well saying, memories are in your head, what's the problem. But these objects allow you to relieve the memory as if it was happening again when you haven't seen them for a long time. You feel the same pride, joy, whatever, and it then can trigger other memories of that day.

The things OP lost are like time capsules. They're precious.

Not to mention that, due to the efficiency of our brains, we don't randomly recall past events unless they're directly relevant to the situation at hand. So while you might 'have' the memory in your head, your brain will never give it to you without a trigger. That could be someone saying, 'do you remember when DC made handprints at nursery' or you thinking about other DC 'firsts'.

In any case, if you're the sentimental switched-on type, you'll actively enjoy clearing that path with the bulldozer and relieving those moments again. Just because someone else doesn't 'get it', your DH or posters here don't get to dismiss your very valid feelings at having lost them. I'm very sorry Flowers

MwahHaHa · 26/05/2023 10:11

likeadisgruntledpelican · 26/05/2023 05:09

I love how @sheldonia is totally wrong in her 'facts' about memory anyway. I'm sure other people have verified but I got derailed at her little tantrum. I have to know and do memory science research for my job, so anyone interested in the real science:

Memories are stored, but gradually fade and become more difficult to access as the neurological pathways leading to the memory get weaker if they're not recalled regularly. It's kind of like an actual path that no one walks anymore and becomes overgrown and inaccessible.

When you have an object, smell, location that is associated with just that memory, it's like a bulldozer clearing the path and allowing you full, easy, instant access again. Objects like the ones OP lost are the absolute strongest triggers that give access to the 'whole' memory again because of the powerful emotions attached to the object and the memory. The research on Flashbulb Memories and the developments since then support this.

So it's all very well saying, memories are in your head, what's the problem. But these objects allow you to relieve the memory as if it was happening again when you haven't seen them for a long time. You feel the same pride, joy, whatever, and it then can trigger other memories of that day.

The things OP lost are like time capsules. They're precious.

Not to mention that, due to the efficiency of our brains, we don't randomly recall past events unless they're directly relevant to the situation at hand. So while you might 'have' the memory in your head, your brain will never give it to you without a trigger. That could be someone saying, 'do you remember when DC made handprints at nursery' or you thinking about other DC 'firsts'.

In any case, if you're the sentimental switched-on type, you'll actively enjoy clearing that path with the bulldozer and relieving those moments again. Just because someone else doesn't 'get it', your DH or posters here don't get to dismiss your very valid feelings at having lost them. I'm very sorry Flowers

Just to point out that none of that disagrees with the fact that memory is actually definitively the thing you hold in your mind though, so pp wasn't wrong.

Of course things can trigger and reawaken memories, so you're correct on that part of it. You're wrong however that "your brain will never give it to you without a trigger", because random memories can and are recalled without such stimuli.

So part wrong, part right.

Everyone is different. People have different ways of remembering things, some people are much more into keepsakes, and thats cool. If they're important to OP, they are important.

Kentucky83 · 26/05/2023 18:02

This! I'd be upset at the former but if he understood he'd made a mistake and apologised then I'd get over my disappointment soon enough and that would be the end of it. But to not even apologise, and he's actually in a mood with op, I'd be fuming!

indie123 · 26/05/2023 18:05

yanbu
it doesn’t matter what it was , if it’s sentimental to you then you have every right to be upset.

fact that he’s in a mood with you is ridiculous

AllyArty · 26/05/2023 18:44

He is utterly thoughtless🤬

Silene · 26/05/2023 19:21

I had a small box in the loft, which holds keepsakes, letters, a few photos, children's drawings etc, but also the letters, cards, and messages from when one of our children died. Itvwas only now, years later, I was able to reread, and found a lot of comfort, If anyonehad destroyed them I'd also have been devastated. And ephemera, photos, etc are important for people with dementia.