I don't want my child to go to her leavers party.

[Ijustdunnoanymore]

The parents of my child have organised a leavers party extravaganza. The problem I have however is that nearly (not quite all - some have been nice) all the parents involved have been absolutely horrible towards me over the course of this year. I am a fairly new parent and thats the main reason for their venom. If my child goes I have to stay too and hang out with these people. Do I let my child go and put up with it OR do I not and show her that bullies shouldnt always win?

This isn't about you. If she wants to go, she should go. Put your child first.

If all parents have to stay, there will be plenty of others who aren't in the same social crowd as the organisers - hopefully you will find each other. Look out for the parents you don't recognise from the playground - the parents who use childminders/after-school clubs may not even know many other people and might be dreading it as much as you are. Be friendly (and if that fails, have an urgent matter to deal with on your phone).

You have to do your bit, just as your DD probably occasionally gets dragged along to adult parties where the only thing anyone says to her is "haven't you grown".

If you don't go, I think you're telling her that bullies do win, and that sadly, because the bullies have won, she loses out.

I don't know how common it is, but it was certainly the case at my children's primary school (youngest left 3 years ago 😁).
It was like the sort of thing you'd read about in a book, but then I have agoraphobia so socialising is virtually impossible for me anyway.
Sadly that was perceived as me being "weird". I know this because one of my daughter's friends told her that her mum thought this because I "didn't talk to the other mums", and my daughter relayed it to me.

When you say the parents are "bullying" you, what do you mean?
(I've noticed since DC went to school some people see bullying as 'your child won't concede to my child's demands'.
If they are being dicks, do as above and take a book/your phone and ignore!

Go and take a book.

What other things does your kid miss out on because of your own hang ups?

Yup. The lesson would more be, "the bullies do in fact win, as I'll willingly isolate my child from her milestones because of them".

My mum had various issues, fear of bullying from some individuals. I had no such problems with the same individuals, and was well aware of the times she used me as a human shield. I was less than impressed, even though I understood why.

What are they going to do if you dont stay? Kick your daughter out? What sort of leavers party is it where parents need to stay? When both of mine left primary they would have hated parties with parents in attendance. It is the age when they want to start feeling grown up and independent and parents at a party just wasn't cool

I can't imagine every single parent in an entire school year working up the given fucks necessary to be 'venomous' towards a new parent who's joined the school shortly before they all leave anyway. It sounds like an unusual situation.

Can you describe some scenarios for us OP? Do you have any other social anxieties or issues that might be contributing toward your perception of this?

Even so I'd suck it up and go to the party for your daughter's sake. Bullies don't win, so don't hide.

I have just picked up my DC from school in tears because SOME of her classmates are going on the PTA theater trip in half term and she isn’t. I think your DC would feel really sad if ALL their friends went to a leavers party a they didn’t. Go, bring a book/knitting/ watch a film on your IPad or talk to the nice parents. Might not be as bad as you think it might be.

I’m confused, too.

You go. Even just to show face. ..Providing your child is happy\enjoying it you stay. Be civil/pleasant to all. Do not get into any rehash\further horridness. Take something/book/headset\tablet which you can use as "sorry-i have to sit alone"without appearing rude/huffy. NEVER let bullies win.goodluck

Just because you’ve never experienced it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. I’ve seen it with my own eyes where one parent is ostracised by the loud in your face types and then the lees secure one’s just follow suit. It’s like mean girls.

Does your child want to go?

@Hellocatshome maybe it's organised by a group of volunteers who don't want to take responsibility for someone else child at a party with no real host?

It depends entirely on whether your daughter wants to go. It's a one off event she will never get to do again.

Another vote for if she wants to go you have to go and just suck it up really. I know that's tough. I am quite a socially anxious person and hate a lot of these things but you just have to do them for DC's sake. If she isn't bothered though, or actively doesn't want to go that's different

Well it all depends on who you feel is more important here - you, your child?

I'm assuming parents of child's friends/classmates. New parent as in young or new to the school.

But this isn't about you OP. If your child wants to go they should go. Smile and nod and be a grown up.

At my child’s school, parents are always expected to stay and children aren’t allowed to attend without an adult present.
Everyone is supposed to have a turn supervising the massive inflatable too but that rarely happens. Usually most of the parents sit around getting drunk while one or two poor sods get stuck supervising.
Also, if any staff at the school are there to see the kids off or have their own children attending, the parents expect them to be in charge of behaviour like an extension of their school duties.

I assume OP means parents at her child's school.

If your DD wants to go then you need to suck it up. That's just part of being a parent.

We had a similar thing with DS and DD’s school they had leavers prom events which parents were invited to. Some of the parents had been quite cliquey and I was glad to see the back of some of the parents, teachers and kids. I was also unsure and stressed about what I would wear. So I didn’t particularly want to go either. But both events turned out to be quite lovely and I was actually glad I went in the end.

I think the reason parents had to go as well was because it was held in a local hotel and the teachers wanted to enjoy it and not be supervising the kids.

Difficult to understand but it’s your DD that will miss out, so you need to get on with it I think

I'm sorry, but I've personally never encountered an "everybody hates me" scenario where at least some of it wasn't in the victim's head.

It's part of the distorted reality you develop when you are embattled, isolated and depressed, but it doesn't make it the truth.

(sample conversation:

• Nobody even likes me or ever wants to hang out.
• I like you. I'm hanging out with you right now.
• You're getting annoyed at me.
• Yes. Because you're my friend, you're rejecting me, and by the logic of this conversation, I am less than nobody.)

I have to say when I read posts like these I'm always extremely sceptical. I just find it hard to believe that most of a group of parents of a year's worth of children have been "venomous". It stretches credibility that an entire year group of parents would have gone out of their way to be unpleasant to a single individual. Very few people have the time or the bandwidth to this.

I suspect if you're really honest with yourself what you actually mean is either

a) A very small handful of parents have been unpleasant or
b) You have anxiety or struggle with social stuff and have projected onto this entire entire group a sense of yourself as being an outsider because it gives you a reason not to put yourself out there

I suspect this comes under the same category as the posts you get on here on a daily basis about "school gate mums" and how cliquey they are and invariably when you actually scrutinise these claims it comes down to something pretty trivial like someone not smiling at you at pick up. If I'm being unfair, I apologise but I struggle to believe the whole year group could have been unkind in such a systematic way.

I think you have to be the bigger person for your children. If this is an actual case of bullying (either of you or your child) you need to take it up with the school formally. Otherwise you need to suck it up, go along with a big fake smile on your face, have a glass of orange squash and make the best of a bad lot.

The last thing you want to do is to convey to your child the sense of paranoia you are experiencing.