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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make my complaint about this teacher more formal

373 replies

NotTonightDeidre · 24/05/2023 19:34

DS, 15, Y10 is really disliked by his maths teacher. It's quite obvious in the way he's treated in class (only a handful of negatives overall this year, mainly from her, not a single positive award point from her) and by how she speaks about him (on the phone/parents evening).

Don't get me wrong, I'm under no illusion that DS can be an arrogant, attitude filled, gobshite (he's 15, so it comes with the territory) but on the whole he tends to save the worst of the attitude for home.

He's a bright kid, top sets across the board & is quite often top of his classes.

I had a meeting earlier in the year with the maths teacher & DS' head of year to discuss the behaviour - it was things like chatting/turning around in class/fiddling with/tapping pens.... all low level disruption but I agree, it needs to be addressed. I explained that DS thrives on praise (I hate it, but the school system created that monster) & that she'd get a far better response if she could acknowledge when he's doing well/catch him being good. I also spoke to DS & told him that he needed to sort his self out & put the effort in. As far as I'm aware, he did for a while - I was seeing fewer negatives coming through but still no positive recognition.

Fast forward a month or two & the behaviour is kicking in again. DS feels unsupported in class, & has reached a point where he's saying "what's the point being good if she doesn't even notice".

Now, DH thinks rather than have another discussion we should put our concerns in writing so they have to be addressed. I think he's overreacting a little but then I've also seen DS go from a child who loved maths to one who doesn't even want to go to the lessons. He's even asked to get moved down a set so he can have a different teacher (and it's not because he's struggling, he's been entered for further maths & statistics alongside his regular maths GCSEs).

Would appreciate thoughts from all angles.

OP posts:

HarrietJet · 24/05/2023 19:39

What's the basis of your complaint? You admit he's a arrogant gobshite full of attitude, who claims "there's no point in being good (!)" unless he gets a pat on the head for it?
Who's fault do you really think this is?!

ItsCalledAConversation · 24/05/2023 19:41

Sounds like your teacher is treating him like any other human adult in the real world would treat an arrogant disruptive gobshite, no matter their grades.

HangingOver · 24/05/2023 19:42

Your son sounds like a bit of a PITA tbh

Lucyccfc68 · 24/05/2023 19:42

Of course he is disliked by his maths teacher. He is a pain in the arse and you need to work on his attitude and behaviour, not making complaints about the poor teacher who is probably sick and tired of his rude and disrespectful behaviour.

Starhead69 · 24/05/2023 19:42

What does he want her to rub his head and call him a good boy? He sounds a nightmare. I don’t see anything you have wrote to give you basis for complaint.

FionnulaTheCooler · 24/05/2023 19:43

Tell him the point of being good in class is so that he can learn and get good grades in his exams which will influence his future university/career choices. That's way more important than being praised for managing not to disrupt the lesson.

ChrisPPancake · 24/05/2023 19:43

Our dc at a similar age clashed massively with his maths teacher (although dc was not disruptive). Long story short, I was not impressed at parents evening, head of maths overheard and at dc request changed them to a different group. Twat teacher was bewildered at someone not wanting to be in top set but dc thrived with a different teacher and came out with a 9 (TT had predicted "8 at most, not likely anyone will get 9").

NotTheOtherMother · 24/05/2023 19:44

He needs to accept that not everything will go his way all the time and the teacher is probably too busy actually trying to teach and deal with "low level disruption" from more than one pupil, and doesn't have time to hold his hand and tell him what a good boy he is. He shouldn't only be good because he will get praise for it. That's not how the world works.

ArtimisGame · 24/05/2023 19:44

I think school teachers have too much sway on the psyche of young people, many seem to be on some power trip and seem to enjoy destroying enthusiasm. She probably needs to be reminded that he needs praise to behave well, I agree, ask her to recognise his work again. He also needs to perhaps have other good influences on the subject. Maybe YouTube can deliver some inspirational maths related content, historical maths figures etc. Also universities get school kids to attend various summer schools and intros to uni (often widening participation) so if there is anything like that available it can introduce your son to other educators who maybe he will be able to be inspired by.

ChrisPPancake · 24/05/2023 19:44

To make my point clear, check with your dc if they're happy in the class. I'm guessing someone dicking about that much is not.

Sissynova · 24/05/2023 19:45

A teacher can’t pander to a class full of 15 year olds though.
Constantly repeating ‘well done you’re so good at listening! Really good effort on the homework everyone!!’ Just seems like something for early primary school.
Your child shouldn’t be expecting constant praise for being “good” which actually just means not being disruptive.

bibbityboppityboo · 24/05/2023 19:45

HarrietJet · 24/05/2023 19:39

Pretty much what I was going to type!

Personally I think why should she praise him for just not being the usual level of disruptive / rude, it's basically praising him for bare minimum of not being silly in class (which everyone else manages!) - also being ruled by praise isn't going to work for the rest of his life, so best break the habit now.

MrsHamlet · 24/05/2023 19:45

I'm a teacher.
If this is happening - and it might well be - it does need to be addressed. I would very politely write an email to the head of department and the head of year setting out your concerns very factually and ask for a meeting to discuss it.
I teach any number of children who behave like your son. We all do. But we need to make it work.
You don't have to go in all guns blazing, but it needs to be resolved one way or another. A group move, maybe? A reset from him, perhaps? Support from the teacher, maybe that too.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 24/05/2023 19:45

It sounds like your son wants to be praised for not being disruptive in class and that should be a given not something that needs praised

That said if she is off with him and he's good at maths then his boredom and disengagement are probably leading to the poor behaviour, it's like a vicious circle.

Can you shift the praise base. So if he doesn't get negative points at school he gets the praise at home? That way you are less reliant on the teacher who may feel to frustrated at this point to praise someone who is causing issues in the class.

MiddleParking · 24/05/2023 19:45

‘Being good’ isn’t really a concept a 15 year old needs to be considering himself, let alone getting noticed for. Not acting the goat should be the default.

HarrietJet · 24/05/2023 19:46

You actually advised the teacher to "catch him being good" as though he was a two year old prone to tantrums 😳.

I hope you were told where to stick that advice?

PyjamaFan · 24/05/2023 19:46

Wow. You sound like a complete nightmare parent. You are making excuses for the bad behaviour of your son and trying to blame it on the teacher 'not liking him'.

What on earth would be the basis of your formal complaint? That your son deserves praise even though he's behaving in a disruptive way?

CalistoNoSolo · 24/05/2023 19:46

Well he sounds like a disruptive pita, so I'm not suprised the teacher isn't keen on him. Maths doesn't come easily to some and his behaviour is making it far harder for those children to grasp concepts. It's irrelevant that he is bright if he's fucking up other children. So no, I think you should work on your son rather than making his teacher's life even more difficult.

cansu · 24/05/2023 19:46

The point of behaving himself is so that he can learn and more importantly so can the rest of the class. Chatting, answering back, being arrogant and not doing what he is asked is the problem. He doesn't get a prize for occasionally behaving in a normal fashion.

He is the problem. He is not 5. You need to start backing the teacher rather than help your son look for excuses for his behaviour.

percypig · 24/05/2023 19:47

I have a 15 year old son and have taught hundreds of 15 year old boys - I don’t agree that being an arrogant gobshite comes with the territory.

I’m also a teacher, and despite being very experienced and relatively senior have been treated appallingly by a small number of ‘arrogant’ silly 15 year old boys, engaging in many of the the low level behaviours you dismissively mention. Of course teachers must maintain professionalism and should not take out their feelings on a pupil, but I think you’re asking a bit much to expect the teacher to reward him with praise (for what?) so that he behaves better.

Unless the teacher has actively done something to your child I can see no basis for complaint and think your time would be better spent focusing on your son’s attitude and behaviour.

Original poster

NotTonightDeidre · 24/05/2023 19:48

Why did I bother asking here? I said "can be" I also said he tends to save it for home. As in, I'm not a parent that thinks mu child is an angel who can do no wrong.

He doesn't have an issue in other lessons, he's actually a pretty good student. He's generally well liked by staff & students.

The basis of my complaint is that she consistently singles him out for negative reasons & never acknowledges the positives so he doesn't feel valued.

How would you like your appraisal at work to focus only on the negatives? Bollocks to the fact you landed a major contract - your appraisal is just all the things your boss dislikes you doing.

OP posts:

Clymene · 24/05/2023 19:48

So your son is an annoying disruptive little gobshite, despite being really clever. He's disrupting other children's education and you think he needs more strokes for not being an arsehole?

Jesus wept.

HarrietJet · 24/05/2023 19:48

She probably needs to be reminded that he needs praise to behave well
He doesn't. He's 15, not 5.

cansu · 24/05/2023 19:49

MrsHamlet
It is not always possible to 'make it work'. Kids who piss about need to be given consequences. By all means move him. What happens when he finds that the next teacher 'dislikes' him?

HarrietJet · 24/05/2023 19:49