To make my complaint about this teacher more formal

[NotTonightDeidre]

DS, 15, Y10 is really disliked by his maths teacher. It's quite obvious in the way he's treated in class (only a handful of negatives overall this year, mainly from her, not a single positive award point from her) and by how she speaks about him (on the phone/parents evening).

Don't get me wrong, I'm under no illusion that DS can be an arrogant, attitude filled, gobshite (he's 15, so it comes with the territory) but on the whole he tends to save the worst of the attitude for home.

He's a bright kid, top sets across the board & is quite often top of his classes.

I had a meeting earlier in the year with the maths teacher & DS' head of year to discuss the behaviour - it was things like chatting/turning around in class/fiddling with/tapping pens.... all low level disruption but I agree, it needs to be addressed. I explained that DS thrives on praise (I hate it, but the school system created that monster) & that she'd get a far better response if she could acknowledge when he's doing well/catch him being good. I also spoke to DS & told him that he needed to sort his self out & put the effort in. As far as I'm aware, he did for a while - I was seeing fewer negatives coming through but still no positive recognition.

Fast forward a month or two & the behaviour is kicking in again. DS feels unsupported in class, & has reached a point where he's saying "what's the point being good if she doesn't even notice".

Now, DH thinks rather than have another discussion we should put our concerns in writing so they have to be addressed. I think he's overreacting a little but then I've also seen DS go from a child who loved maths to one who doesn't even want to go to the lessons. He's even asked to get moved down a set so he can have a different teacher (and it's not because he's struggling, he's been entered for further maths & statistics alongside his regular maths GCSEs).

Would appreciate thoughts from all angles.

It is this, plus the attitude of parents like the OP that has caused my husband to resign. He's the Head of a large secondary and each day has to deal with teenage attitude, entitled parents, endless demands and complaints about his teachers who are just doing their job.

As Head he is often seen as the person to intervene in every argument the kids have as well as sort their problems out both at school and at home. He's seen as a key member of the community and so expected to then get involved in fights and arguments between parents.

He's had enough and he's leaving teaching after a 30 year career in July.

Thing is, what do you think a complaint will achieve? It’s hardly going to make her like him more, is it?

I think the time would be better invested in exploring careers with your son. When they can't see the point of learning, it’s time to get some goals in life (which most likely will require GCSEs). The lesson this teacher is teaching your son is that sometimes we have to rub along and put up with people we don’t like or agree with in order to get where we want to go in life.

Seeing a strong link between his attitude and yours. You both sound exhausting. I bet they are sick of him no doubt his peers are too.

doesn't sound like the teacher isn't in the wrong

doesn't sound like the teacher is in the wrong, sorry edited sentence and didn't check

You're getting so defensive. Saying this kindly (honestly) is it because you realise you can't get him to take this on board and change?

If he behaves differently then so will she most probably

Leave the teacher alone. They already have enough to put up with with your son’s petulance. Don’t add yours as well.

I feel sorry for the other kids in the class tbh!

Don't get me wrong, I'm under no illusion that DS can be an arrogant, attitude filled, gobshite (he's 15, so it comes with the territory)

My DD is 15 and I work with SEND teens and none of them act like this.
If they did they’d be punished for it.

If he wants to be praised then he needs to start behaving.
He can’t be acting like he does in her lesson and demand that he gets praise when he’s not done anything to deserve it.

Why has he not moved down a set?
I would ask again.

I do think this would be better all round as it sounds like he’s not learning anything and he’s distracting the rest of the class from learning and so moving class will benefit everyone.

Do you use the naughty step? Maybe that would work?

In life, there are people you come across you cannot gel with, and form a relationship with.
It sounds like DS and the maths teacher are one such pair - with neither covering themselves in glory.
The grown up way to deal with it is to suck it up and do what is needed to make it civil. However, that isnt necessarily easy for a teen.

I wouldn't complain about the teacher, but would either tell DS to suck it up (will she be teaching him next year? There are about 7 weeks left of this one) or request he drops a set due to personality clash.

Well, my sensible and considered response is that if DS feels unsupported in class, & has reached a point where he's saying "what's the point being good if she doesn't even notice" then I would be really worried that he has no intrinsic motivation despite the fact that he is now fifteen. I'd also be rather worried about the arrogance that you talk about and I would have a calm and considered talk with him and ask why he is behaving like this. For what it's worth I know plenty of teenaged boys who aren't arrogant and behave themselves in lessons. And I also hope that the maths teacher doesn't leave teaching as there is an awful shortage of maths teachers at present and the school might find it very hard to recruit a replacement. My friend's child's school is putting some top set classes together as they can't recruit a maths teacher. A class of sixty is not what anyone wants.

Haven’t read the thread, but honestly, let him go down a set if he likes that teacher - he’ll enjoy the lessons, work harder, get top grades, stop being disruptive in set 1 and hopefully be a good member of set 2, everyone’s a winner!

I wouldn’t. This teacher may be thinking about leaving and a formal complaint over such a minor thing could be the thing that tips her over the edge. The result of that may well be that a non specialist teacher has to teach the lessons next year. This is no good for the kids. I am a languages teacher and have to teach maths..I only have a GCSE in maths and whilst I am competent in every day maths I have to look on the GCSE bite size page before each lesson to ensure I known enough! This then adds to the non specialist teachers workload as they have to learn and research whatever they are teaching and therein they decide to quit because of even more workload and so the cycle continues.

If you really want to know what is going on, I would give her a quick email just to ask how your son is getting on after your previous conversation. You’ve noticed there hasn’t been an improvement in behaviour so you’re worried he’s not kept his word. She’ll tell you whether he has or not and if she says he has improved, a quick email along the lines of “oh that’s great to hear. It would be great if you could tell him so too as it would mean more from his teacher”.

This, to be honest. You're truly doing him no favours by stepping in when he's fifteen (FIFTEEN!) years old to try to get his teacher to give him more praise for complying with the basic rules of life. It's a prime opportunity for him to learn about doing something for its own sake and for its own rewards or enduring some short-term discomfort in pursuit of a good future for himself.

What should happen (but no longer seems to in state schools for some reason) is that he's given a single warning when he disrupts the class and then on the next occasion is removed from it to allow the others to learn.

If you complained to me as HOY about things as they stand (effectively alerting me to what's going on and how it's impacting other children) and events are as you've described, this is the system I would be implementing.

So have at it but beware the law of unintended consequences, I suppose!

Kids like your son are a PITA but you seem to be under no illusions about that. Sounds to me like he’s not being pushed enough and is getting bored and finding things too easy. He needs to knuckle down and prove to the teacher this is the case and then ask for more challenging tasks.

Your son has learned that good behaviour should always be rewarded, so when it isn’t, he doesn’t behave. Children should be taught that good behaviour is the default in order to be a good citizen within society rather than only being good when there’s something in it for them.

If this were my own child, I’d be explaining that he needs to behave himself regardless or there will be consequences. The real test is how children behave when no one is watching; that’s really preparing them for adulthood IMO.

I clicked yanbu but meant you are!

I think you all sound quite entitled. He needs to quickly get out of the mind frame of only being good if he gets recognition & he sounds quite bratty.

I wouldn’t contact the school, I would work with your son & then I think you’ll see improvement.

OP - you need to sort your kid's behaviour out - he sounds like a right pain in the arse. You're excusing his behaviour. This is part of the reason teachers are leaving the profession in droves. You do him no favours by defending him.

It's impossible for us (or you) to be sure whether you are being unreasonable without being a fly on the wall of the teacher's classroom. However, it is not necessarily sensible for you to believe his version of what he's like in class. If this teacher is really the 'only' one giving him negatives, it's perfectly possible that it's because she is holding him to tye standards of behaviour that all the other teachers should be holding him to.

I'm also curious as to why you are so sure that he saves his bad behaviour for home. I'm also curious as to how you know it's just him she 'picks on'. Presumably you have no access to the record of negatives she gives to the other students.

Dear Headteacher,
I'm writing to complain about the treatment my poor arrogant, attitude filled, gobshite ds is having from his teacher. He has been causing disruption with things like chatting/turning around in class/fiddling with/tapping pens in lessons.

I have explained to the teacher that he must not be corrected and only praised like a 5yo when on the odd occasion he behaves as most 15yos manage to do most of the time.

Please can you make sure that his jumper is covered with stickers for not being arrogant, attitude filled and gobshite so he only sees a positive attitude from his teachers.
This will teach him absolutely nothing and you may await my complaint letter next year when he fails to get the grade I think he deserves for GCSE.

Yours,
Nottonight

I think this sums it up. I do think you are infantilising your son and making excuses for him. He needs to learn to function in all sorts of circumstances in preparation for life in the big world. We all have to work around people who we don't get on with. It's nice to get praise but it's rare as we grow up. We have to learn to self regulate and self motivate.

Kids shouldn't need praising just for sitting still and listening in class- those are pretty much the bare minimum requirements. There are 29 other kids in that classroom who deserve to be able to learn.

Also, the fact that he's clever is neither here nor there really. I teach some very clever kids who are disruptive and who impact negatively on the learning of other students. And I teach lots of kids who struggle academically, but who are always polite in class, and who always try their hardest.

Hi op, It does sound like for reasons good or bad, she doesn't like him. Every child is going to have a teacher like that, just as every adult is going to have to deal with someone at work who doesn't really like them. As long as she's teaching him what he needs to learn, he doesn't have to care what she thinks about him, he's not married to her. As an experiment, he could try "managing up", see if he can get her to behave better towards him by being proactively pleasant. (Smiling, looking interested.) If it doesn't work, he hasn't lost anything. If it does, he's learnt a good management trick.

Why is he ok in other lessons?