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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make my complaint about this teacher more formal

373 replies

NotTonightDeidre · 24/05/2023 19:34

DS, 15, Y10 is really disliked by his maths teacher. It's quite obvious in the way he's treated in class (only a handful of negatives overall this year, mainly from her, not a single positive award point from her) and by how she speaks about him (on the phone/parents evening).

Don't get me wrong, I'm under no illusion that DS can be an arrogant, attitude filled, gobshite (he's 15, so it comes with the territory) but on the whole he tends to save the worst of the attitude for home.

He's a bright kid, top sets across the board & is quite often top of his classes.

I had a meeting earlier in the year with the maths teacher & DS' head of year to discuss the behaviour - it was things like chatting/turning around in class/fiddling with/tapping pens.... all low level disruption but I agree, it needs to be addressed. I explained that DS thrives on praise (I hate it, but the school system created that monster) & that she'd get a far better response if she could acknowledge when he's doing well/catch him being good. I also spoke to DS & told him that he needed to sort his self out & put the effort in. As far as I'm aware, he did for a while - I was seeing fewer negatives coming through but still no positive recognition.

Fast forward a month or two & the behaviour is kicking in again. DS feels unsupported in class, & has reached a point where he's saying "what's the point being good if she doesn't even notice".

Now, DH thinks rather than have another discussion we should put our concerns in writing so they have to be addressed. I think he's overreacting a little but then I've also seen DS go from a child who loved maths to one who doesn't even want to go to the lessons. He's even asked to get moved down a set so he can have a different teacher (and it's not because he's struggling, he's been entered for further maths & statistics alongside his regular maths GCSEs).

Would appreciate thoughts from all angles.

OP posts:

HipTightOnions · 25/05/2023 07:19

I think it says a lot that he only has issues with one teacher.

I've lost count of the number of times, as a form tutor, I've heard "Miss/Sir hates me". It always turns out that Miss/Sir is a stricter teacher who doesn't put up with any nonsense, and the other kids are able to behave.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/05/2023 07:25

HipTightOnions · 25/05/2023 07:19

I think it says a lot that he only has issues with one teacher.

He's clearly not a bad kid if he only ever has problems with one teacher, though.

Yes, it could be that that particular teacher is just stricter, but equally it's possible that they have some kind of personality clash and will never get along, no matter how well-behaved the DS is.

I would be telling my son to behave but equally it's not nice to feel picked at no matter how hard you feel you're trying.

WonderingWanda · 25/05/2023 07:27

percypig · 24/05/2023 19:47

I have a 15 year old son and have taught hundreds of 15 year old boys - I don’t agree that being an arrogant gobshite comes with the territory.

I’m also a teacher, and despite being very experienced and relatively senior have been treated appallingly by a small number of ‘arrogant’ silly 15 year old boys, engaging in many of the the low level behaviours you dismissively mention. Of course teachers must maintain professionalism and should not take out their feelings on a pupil, but I think you’re asking a bit much to expect the teacher to reward him with praise (for what?) so that he behaves better.

Unless the teacher has actively done something to your child I can see no basis for complaint and think your time would be better spent focusing on your son’s attitude and behaviour.

I agree with this.

Your son says 'What's the point in being good?' and your automatic response is to make a formal complaint about the teacher. You are totally minimising the impact that low level disruption, answering back, micking comments will have on the lesson, the learning of others and the teacher. Has it occurred to you that whilst he might not be getting in trouble he still isn't doing anything praiseworthy.

Pythonesque · 25/05/2023 07:41

OP, I'm sorry everyone seems to have gone down a wormhole of "well if he's misbehaving it's on him", and rather missing the point that he's being ignored if he works well in class, overlooked for opportunities, so is understandably completely disengaged with this teacher.

My sister suffered under an inadequate maths teacher at a similar age. Ended up being moved out of the top set in her second last year then having to go back into it to access the highest maths level in her final year. Teacher had her down as bottom of that class and she came out at the top in the public exams (not UK). Now I don't know what her behaviour was in that class but if I'd had the treatment she had I'd have been acting up like your son. That particular teacher had no business being near a top set in senior school.

If your son can still access the teaching he needs from another class then I think that might be a reasonable outcome here. Alternatively, how much does he need the teaching - if he reads the textbook/worksheets/whatever, puts his head down and does the work, is he generally ok without listening to the teacher much? Maybe he can disengage in a non-disruptive manner - at least till the end of this term - to give himself a break without jeopardising his or other's learning. Boredom is fatal for bright kids in school - been there done that. Has he looked at the maths trust or nrich sites for challenge problems? If he ever runs out of work to do in class, but has a sheet with extra maths on with him, then he could pull it out to keep himself occupied.

Meixo · 25/05/2023 07:43

lifekeepsgoing · 25/05/2023 04:12

...and what I have observed, the parents that choose to blame the teachers and don't tell their kids straight to cut the bad attitude get called enablers at our school generally- "oh yeah that parent is an enabler...." so the next year the teachers know what they are dealing with from the get-go, and it's a parent problem as much a s a student problem often

I'm not a teacher , I wanted to maybe change careers but it's the parents that put me off not the kids. There seems to be reluctance from parents to actively correct and parent their own children. The parents do not want to support the teacher . Our roles as parents are for preparing them for adulthood and success not worshipping them as God's.

TravelDazzle · 25/05/2023 07:45

You're getting a lot of unnecessary heat here, OP, and people seem to be deliberately ignoring the issue and going straight for the 'your boy is badly behaved - end of'.

Clearly, he's a bright boy, and given he doesn't have issues with any other teachers in any other classes, evidence would suggest the teacher is a bit of a witch.

Have you asked her what positives she has regarding your son, as she only focuses on the negatives? Could you speak to the head about what your son is experiencing? Would it be beneficial in the long run to have him move down a set so he at least gets something out of his lessons?

Paq · 25/05/2023 08:19

"A bit of a witch"... nice misogyny there...

timetorefresh · 25/05/2023 08:27

You want to complain about the teacher for trying to get him to improve his behaviour so it's not disrupting the class? And people wonder why there's not enough teachers

ConsuelaHammock · 25/05/2023 08:32

You’re not in class with him so you’re only hearing his version. Your son sounds like a brat. Tell him to grow up and get on with it . The teacher probably doesn’t like him, some teachers are better actors than others. She/He doesn’t have to like him and he doesn’t have to like them .

Luckypom · 25/05/2023 08:46

@NotTonightDeidre

oh come on this is ridiculous 😂 your son is badly behaved (as plenty of 15 year olds are) so it’s the teachers fault…

LittleSnowyOwl · 25/05/2023 08:53

Your son doesn't deserve to be gushed over for being good because THATS WHAT HE SHOULD BE DOING ANYWAY. You don't get a reward for being a decent person. You should just be a decent person.

Meixo · 25/05/2023 09:00

I'm shocked at the levels of shit parenting and how it impacts on other children who have parents who parent them!!!!

blacktiger · 25/05/2023 10:20

Let's imagine you're the parent of one of the other kids in his class. Your son comes home and tells you he's finding Maths quite tricky, wants to do well, needs his Maths qualification for what he wants to do in the future. He's trying his best but needs quiet to really concentrate and he's not getting it because another boy in the class is constantly messing around. His teacher knows he's trying and she's trying her best to help him but she keeps getting interrupted having to deal with others misbehaving. Would you complain as your son isn't getting the support he needs?

This is the reality for a number of teachers and a number of wonderful kids. Just because they're in a top set class doesn't mean it comes easily to them all, a number of these kids need to work hard at it. Maths is not easy for all.

As a Maths teacher, I praise my kids who do well academically, I praise my kids who might not do so well but are giving their best effort all of the time. I do not praise a 15 for behaving, this is an expectation. In my class he would be removed for the constant 'low level' disruption so his own education would suffer.

Contact the head of department, move him to a 'lower set', let the woman do her job and support the kids who deserve it.

Redlocks30 · 25/05/2023 10:39

Contact the head of department, move him to a 'lower set', let the woman do her job and support the kids who deserve it.

This.

Though I suspect that by the sounds of it, the OP wants a formal complaint and the teacher disciplined. Let’s hope this doesn’t result in one more teacher giving in their notice at the end of the year and then one fewer school having a qualified maths teacher going forwards…

LibertyFloral · 25/05/2023 10:41

Do you expect a reward and praise for keeping to the speed limit OP?

No, because that's what you should be doing. Try and explain this to your daft husband and then your low level disruptive son.

When they understand, get your son to write a note of apology to his maths teacher, signed by all three of you.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 25/05/2023 11:06

HipTightOnions · 25/05/2023 07:19

I think it says a lot that he only has issues with one teacher.

And I’ve lost count the amount of times teachers dismiss pupils/parents concerns by being blinkered!!!

Luckily for my family member their teacher was dismissed for serious misconduct however only after numerous verbal and written complaints were made, then a situation that was recorded on the schools CCTV/pupils phoned that the teachers/governors could not ignore!

However family members concerns should have addressed seriously at the 1st complaint not shut down as “the teacher hates me”.

Over 100 teachers get sacked each year due to serious misconduct and over 2500 complaints are received each year in the UK, that speaks volumes, if a child’s education is suffering due to the teachers lack of praise/chastisement than that needs addressed.

OP raise it with the head be that written or verbally as nothing will change if you don’t address this.

Nordicrain · 25/05/2023 11:12

So basically your complaint is that the teacher doesn't praise your obnoxious son enough? So he therefore can't be bothered to behave and that's her fault?

YABU.

usernother · 25/05/2023 11:12

Complaining about the teacher isn't going to do your son any favours. Being 15 does not excuse his behaviour, it doesn't come with the territory at all, even if he saves that behaviour for mostly at home. Even if you don't like the teacher, she doesn't like your son and he doesn't like her, it doesn't matter. Keep out, leave him to get on with it and realise that in life not everyone will like you, bad attitude has consequences and sometimes life is unfair. He hasn't got long left at school so I really don't see this as a big deal.

HarrietJet · 25/05/2023 11:52

There was an opportunity recently to go to a maths challenge at another local school - it's a competition that tests the best & brightest... she didn't pick him to go. He was gutted. It's moments like that one that make him feel like it's a personal grudge
She didn't trust him not to spend the day dicking about 🤷🏻‍♀️
And clearly he's neither the best nor the brightest if they managed to field a team without him.

ThreeCoursesForMe · 25/05/2023 12:02

fUNNYfACE36 · 25/05/2023 02:38

Completely irrelevant post!
You were singled out for no reason. OPs DS is deliberately disrupting the class!
'chatting/turning around in class/fiddling with/tapping pens.... all low level disruption'

Show quote history

Not irrelevant at all, it's a forum and a discussion where more than one view should and can be shared. The teacher who singled me out would have made me out to be disruptive and awful too and it wasn't true. All I have suggested is that the Op investigates fully, if it turns out her Son is to blame then deal with that but the risk of not doing anything and teaching him that an adult in power has the final word, even to his own mum about him is something that can damage him for life if it isn't dealt with properly.

Chickenkeev · 25/05/2023 12:09

If gets moved to a lower set will he not still be bored and disruptive tho? Op should tell him to put the head down and do his work.

purplecorkheart · 25/05/2023 12:12

Sorry but it sounds like your son is the issue. At 15 he has to realise that no everyone in the world is going to like him and sometimes you just have to put your head down and do your work.

It sounds like you and your son expect him to be praised for behaving. I cannot see what grounds you have to complain. Sounds like your son acts up in her class because he does not like her. He needs to concentrate on his work in class and not do any behaviour that will drive her attention on him.

OooohKeepYourKnickersOn · 25/05/2023 12:18

I can't believe that you told the teacher to catch him being good and then to praise him
That's fucking rude and patronising
You've got her back up now, if you are a teacher like you claim you should know better @NotTonightDeidre
Behaving in class is not hard, tell your son to stop fucking about and to stop whinging

Chickenkeev · 25/05/2023 12:27

Also worth bearing in mind that if you develop a habit of sweating the small stuff and making what might be contrued as silly complaints, you might not be taken seriously in the event of having to complain about something more serious like bullying etc.

SusieSussex · 25/05/2023 12:54

Fast forward a month or two & the behaviour is kicking in again. DS feels unsupported in class, & has reached a point where he's saying "what's the point being good if she doesn't even notice"
At 15 yo it would be best if you responded to this by saying "You need to behave yourself so you can do well in your gcses and so you don't inhibit other students' learning, not so you get patted on the head and merit marks for being a good boy." All this needing to catch him being good and giving merits sounds like you're talking about a much younger child. Most 15 year olds are past wanting merits for behaving themselves.
You've admitted the poor behaviour is kicking in again, so can't use the "he's fine for other teachers" excuse.

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