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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I mad to want to have a second child on my own?

268 replies

Ostryga · 23/05/2023 19:42

For context I have a 6yr old that I’ve raised as a single parent since she was born so raising children on my own is very much the norm for me.

I am secure financially, own my home, can afford childcare/take maternity leave.

I’m also 35 so I worry it’s just my hormones telling me I’m running out of time for another baby!

OP posts:
LuckyAmy1986 · 23/05/2023 19:45

Where would this baby come from?

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 23/05/2023 19:47

Absolutely

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 23/05/2023 19:48

I meant absolutely do it

Original poster
Ostryga · 23/05/2023 19:51

LuckyAmy1986 · 23/05/2023 19:45

Where would this baby come from?

I’d be using donor sperm at a fertility clinic in my city. Hopefully IUI but I’ll see when I make an appointment.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2023 20:00

I don't see why not.

Lefteyetwitch · 23/05/2023 20:01

Ostryga · 23/05/2023 19:51

I’d be using donor sperm at a fertility clinic in my city. Hopefully IUI but I’ll see when I make an appointment.

Show quote history

Would the child have access to their father and be able to meet/ get all the information whenever they want?

catchthedog · 23/05/2023 20:05

If you want a second child and have the means to do so then I see no reason to not? assuming you've considered your existing relationship with your child and how that will change / whether they would be ok with the changes etc then I'd say go for it if you're brave enough! I'd find 2 too much alone personally but you know your set up and support etc better than anyone on here.

Coyoacan · 23/05/2023 20:13

I'd worry about the child not knowing their father. I was a single parent but my ex was not a nice father, but my dd still needed her relationship with her father from twelve on

Original poster
Ostryga · 23/05/2023 20:14

Lefteyetwitch · 23/05/2023 20:01

Would the child have access to their father and be able to meet/ get all the information whenever they want?

Show quote history

I think due to U.K. laws the child would have all information of their father at 18 and the option to contact them (but I will have to look into this more!) and obviously I would be very open about it in an age appropriate way as they grew up.

Dd’s dad stopped seeing her over a year ago and I can tell you that is far more harmful than not having a ‘father figure’ or whatever else you’re trying to insinuate would be.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 23/05/2023 20:16

Well, you'd be going into it with your eyes open. You know what's involved.

And you'd be providing your child with a sibling, which, while not a reason to have another child, isn't a bad thing. Do you have other family? Will they have cousins? Aunts and uncles?

I've raised my ds alone, and he's a happy, positive and kind boy, so I understand how you feel. I chose not to, but I was older.

Good luck

Alsobeyondshit · 23/05/2023 20:16

Is your existing child a sperm donor baby?

ElmTree22 · 23/05/2023 20:17

You've been there, you've done that. Go for it if that's what you want!

Alsobeyondshit · 23/05/2023 20:18

Cross posted. Why do you think what's happened to your daughter is 'more harmful' than a donor? She knows you her dad is, how to contact him. Maybe in the future contact will be better? She could have a very different relationship with her father as an adult.

I would not have a second baby by donor in your position.

Original poster
Ostryga · 23/05/2023 20:21

catchthedog · 23/05/2023 20:05

If you want a second child and have the means to do so then I see no reason to not? assuming you've considered your existing relationship with your child and how that will change / whether they would be ok with the changes etc then I'd say go for it if you're brave enough! I'd find 2 too much alone personally but you know your set up and support etc better than anyone on here.

Excellent point. Dd has asked for a sibling a lot as I’m sure all singletons do!

Dd is very easy now so I do worry that bringing a 3rd person into our lives could be difficult.

This is why I’m umming and ahhing! I don’t want to screw things up for Dd

OP posts:
User1438423 · 23/05/2023 20:21

Absolutely you should. I wish more people would have the confidence to do this who want children but time is running out. I don't think it would cause issues for the child, I imagine they'd feel very secure knowing just how wanted they were, many children with both parents are accidents or parents split in and fathers walk away. This child would never have the risk of experiencing that heartache.

I have a friend who did it and had twins. She has no regrets. I saw a book in the library very recently that I think is new, it was a true account of a mother's experience of this, but I can't remember what it was called, hopefully someone else will know.

User1438423 · 23/05/2023 20:24

This was it

Am I mad to want to have a second child on my own?
Original poster
Ostryga · 23/05/2023 20:26

Thank you so much @User1438423! I’ve ordered the book, sounds exactly like what I need to read.

OP posts:
ZellyFitzgerald · 23/05/2023 20:28

I'm always torn on this....

I don't think you can underestimate the importance of a father in a child's life.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/05/2023 20:29

You sure could.

But.. you can’t man mark/you are outnumbered, they will be at very different stages which means you’ll be running around more, you’ll be extending active parenthood for some time, and you will have double at least some costs (uni fees, clubs)..

But if it’s worth all that, then surely

Original poster
Ostryga · 23/05/2023 20:33

ZellyFitzgerald · 23/05/2023 20:28

I'm always torn on this....

I don't think you can underestimate the importance of a father in a child's life.

I think you can underestimate the damage a shit father can do. Honestly, it’s life long trauma.

What is so bad about a loving mother raising two children in a safe, happy, warm, engaging environment without a dad?

OP posts:
Alsobeyondshit · 23/05/2023 20:34

ZellyFitzgerald · 23/05/2023 20:28

I'm always torn on this....

I don't think you can underestimate the importance of a father in a child's life.

And also the difference in background between children here. There's no way I would use a donor for a second child when the first wasn't a donor baby. (But I wouldn't ever use a donor for any child)

I would think really carefully about the children - existing and planned - rather than just satiating any broodiness.

Original poster
Ostryga · 23/05/2023 20:35

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/05/2023 20:29

You sure could.

But.. you can’t man mark/you are outnumbered, they will be at very different stages which means you’ll be running around more, you’ll be extending active parenthood for some time, and you will have double at least some costs (uni fees, clubs)..

But if it’s worth all that, then surely

Yes this! Dd and I love going out to eat twice a week, I’m now imagining a screaming, colicky baby with us. Not so much fun.

But it’s always tough for the first few years, I know that, we all know that. Worth it in the end? That’s what I’m stuck on!

OP posts:
Pottedfern · 23/05/2023 20:52

Just regarding the practicalities of two children, I found going from one to two so much harder than going from none to one. I was completely unprepared for how difficult splitting my time and emotional resources would be and I have a very supportive partner.

I obviously adore them both but my second was such a difficult baby that I spent the majority of the first two years thinking I’d ruined all our lives. We’re slowly making our way out of the toddler years and into the light but I just wanted to mention this as it’s not something I saw a lot on mumsnet before I had my second and I wish someone had warned me

Original poster
Ostryga · 23/05/2023 20:56

Pottedfern · 23/05/2023 20:52

Just regarding the practicalities of two children, I found going from one to two so much harder than going from none to one. I was completely unprepared for how difficult splitting my time and emotional resources would be and I have a very supportive partner.

I obviously adore them both but my second was such a difficult baby that I spent the majority of the first two years thinking I’d ruined all our lives. We’re slowly making our way out of the toddler years and into the light but I just wanted to mention this as it’s not something I saw a lot on mumsnet before I had my second and I wish someone had warned me

Thank you so much for this. Dd and I have a very easy life atm, work and school fit well, we’re happy and both sleep well!

I do worry it would send us both through the wringer and I don’t want to do that to Dd. This is such a difficult decision!

OP posts:
nalabae · 23/05/2023 21:16

Children need fathers. Maybe find a gay man that wants a child? If you don't want a relationship