Am I mad to want to have a second child on my own?

[Ostryga]

For context I have a 6yr old that I’ve raised as a single parent since she was born so raising children on my own is very much the norm for me.

I am secure financially, own my home, can afford childcare/take maternity leave.

I’m also 35 so I worry it’s just my hormones telling me I’m running out of time for another baby!

Also, the expectation that other men in OP's life should step in and act as substitute dad's because of HER choice to KNOWINGLY bring a child into the world without a father is utterly selfish.

So, OP and other women like OP can just burden the people in her life with her choices because it's what she wanted to do and other people just have to go along with it.

@CleverLilViper but the OP said she had a good support system so why are you assuming her male role models aren't going to be ever present and substantially in the child's life?

The role of the mother may or may not be important again depending on the situation of the child born. for example, I have 2 gay friends who adopted a baby who is now a teenager. The child was too young to recall losing his mother and so doesn't miss her and doesn't display any signs of trauma or issue over the way he has been brought up. He is very close to his grandmas who provide a mothering type figure to his life so ultimately he is receiving his needs.

if men could have children without a woman having to give her body for 9 months and the baby making that connection for 9 months (so more like sperm donation) then the lack of a mother in a planned way could be less of an issue. But it can't happen so isn't comparable.

Is it fair for the OP to impose on her "support system" like that when she doesn't have to?

@CleverLilViper not sure what type of family you come from, but mine and most people I can think of are super thrilled to have a new baby in the family, and actively want to spend time with them. My brother and dad certainly don't feel imposed. they are constantly in my house to see the children and take them out etc

And that is great, but either way, expecting your male family members to step in and act as substitute fathers is a massive expectation and imposition on their lives.

If you want those male role models to act as a replacement sufficiently for their dads they will need to be in the child's life for a meaningful amount of time.

That's a big time ask and expectation, is it not? Especially as most people have their own damn lives to lead and their own damn responsibilities.

@CleverLilViper what do you mean making them have to step in as a substitute father though? no one is asking anything of them other than they are positive male people to be around. what father specific tasks do you think I'd expect them to perform?

You’re flip flopping between children must have a positive male influence, children must have any male influence, or they need specifically a father. So in other words, you think lesbian couples shouldn’t raise children either?

I am not remotely flip-flopping.

I have been very clear in my argument that children need fathers. In optimal circumstances, children will have both parents present in their lives.

What really annoys me btw is a) the word “presence” - literally just their magic presence! and b) that you’re not willing to consider the overlap between the outcomes of children growing up in single parent homes (mostly not people who chose to be single parents btw) and children growing up in single income homes. Those things are also outcomes of poverty or low income homes, it’s not magic man essence that prevents poor outcomes but their salary. That is not the case in women who become single mothers on purpose, because the price tag itself is a barrier.

I have never once mentioned lesbian or gay couples.

Do I think they can raise perfectly happy and healthy children? Absolutely.

As we're on a thread about where the OP is a woman who has, I think it's safe to say, has been with men in the past and as such has the possibility to be with a man again-it's completely irrelevant to bring up same-sex couples as some kind of gotcha.

In OP's circumstances, would it really not be a more optimal circumstance for a father to be present either as a resident parent or a co-parent?

Well you sound as prepared as anyone can be, good job, financial security, plenty experience as a single parent and good family support.

It's not something that I would choose for myself or my family but I've been very lucky in love and not everyone gets that good fortune. I'd say that going it alone is better than settling for any man that you can find to have a child with you, particularly given that you have some very complex negative feelings towards men.

Just curious but would it trouble you if you had a son?

So you think even in a two parent family, one of those parents must have magic man juice or the child will grow up traumatised? How come the outcomes of same-sex parents on children are good then?

There is a difference with what we make the best of cos there's no realistic choice otherwise and what we choose to do. The op doesn't need to do this. She wants to because her hormones are driving her. Most women experience the desire for more than one child. But the head doesn't always agree and this is a case in point. The op is going to hugely disrupt her life and that of her child's and if it's harder than she thinks she has no back up in the parenting. So sure, crack on but it's a bigger risk than most women are taking.

So you think the only difference between men and women is some magical man juice?

It's like playing chess with a pigeon.

but the OP said she had a good support system so why are you assuming her male role models aren't going to be ever present and substantially in the child's life?

The OP has said a lot of things. She also said that most men are shite, which does not sound like a comment from someone who is surrounded by a good male support system.

Anyway, OP, good luck with your decision. As a single mother of one I can understand your desire. Children are adorable and so much fun.

I agree with this completely.

Correct me if I'm wrong-but I've not heard (or indeed, read) the OP give one single reason that will benefit either her DD or this potential child in doing this. This seems to be entirely about what SHE wants with no thought to how this is going to impact either her DD or her potential child.

Sure, it may all go smoothly. Her DD could be the most excited big sister ever and they all live happily ever after, but what if it doesn't? What if that great support system falls through and having two children alone becomes a lot harder than first thought?

What if the potential child grows up and is impacted by how they were conceived? For all the people who are saying go for it-there doesn't seem to be any real consideration on how the impacts the child. It seems to be very much "do what you want!" "You do you!"

Rather than thinking if it is something that you SHOULD do. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

I would understand more if time was pressing and a woman didn't have a partner or a child already, but this isn't the case here. She has a child that could be poorly impacted by this choice.

@CleverLilViper the question has been asked a couple of times now but not answered by anyone.. could you list anything that is a father specific input ? that only he could provide ?

I have already presented a link to that.

You're determined to dismiss it with "Oh but the uncle can provide that!" Or some other nameless man in the OP's life-who, by the way, the OP labels most men as shite-so how many male role models do you think the child will have?

If you can't be arsed to read the link and understand that those things cannot simply be provided by some other nameless man who is there every now and then, I'm not doing it for you.

@CleverLilViper I have read the link and there's is nothing in there which is father specific. so wondered if you had any you knew of.

Google is a thing. If I can provide a link-so can you to prove that single parent households being optimal to raise a child and that father's are worthless.

Go on. I'll wait.

@CleverLilViper No one has said its optimal they've said its not damaging if all other areas are accounted for. You need to meet real people rather than relying on Google a bit more I think..

Let's have a look at some of the impacts of fathers being absent from the home, shall we? Taken from the same link I've already posted.

"According to the 2007 UNICEF report on the well-being of children in economically advanced nations, children in the U.S., Canada and the U.K. rank extremely low in regard to social and emotional well-being in particular. Many theories have been explored to explain the poor state of our nation’s’ children. However, a factor that has been largely ignored, particularly among child and family policymakers, is the prevalence and devastating effects of father absence in children’s lives.
For starters, studies repeatedly show that children without fathers positively present in the home suffer greatly. Even before a child is born, their father’s attitudes regarding the pregnancy, behaviors during the prenatal period, and the relationship between their father and mother may indirectly influence risk for adverse birth outcomes. In early childhood it is well known that school-aged children with good relationships with their fathers were less likely to experience depression, to exhibit disruptive behavior, or to lie. Overall, they were far more likely to exhibit prosocial behavior.
In adolescence, the implications of fatherless homes are incredible, as these children are more likely to experience the effects of poverty. Former president George W. Bush even addressed the issue while in office, stating, “Over the past four decades, fatherlessness has emerged as one of our greatest social problems. We know that children who grow up with absent-fathers can suffer lasting damage. They are more likely to end up in poverty or drop out of school, become addicted to drugs, have a child out of wedlock, or end up in prison. Fatherlessness is not the only cause of these things, but our nation must recognize it is an important factor.”

No doubt all the women desperate to present the idea that children don't need fathers will ignore it. We can acknowledge that single-parent households can still provide secure, stable and loving homes for children whilst also acknowledging that it is not optimal.

It's called looking at studies. I know difficult...

the question has been asked a couple of times now but not answered by anyone.. could you list anything that is a father specific input ? that only he could provide ?

I answered that question before it was asked but I will do it here again for you.

I separated from my ex before my dd was born and he was always a lousy father; in fact, my dd didn't even like him. But around the time she turned twelve, she started to think a lot about him as her father. He's still an eejit, but he is important to her as her father. That was when I realised that a sperm donor would have been a disaster.

@CleverLilViper please READ what u post. It talks about Bad fathers not being supportive from birth, having bad relationships with the mothers and children growing up in poverty.
All of which are totally avoidable by a donor being used in a financially stable supportive single parent household.