Am I mad to want to have a second child on my own?

[Ostryga]

For context I have a 6yr old that I’ve raised as a single parent since she was born so raising children on my own is very much the norm for me.

I am secure financially, own my home, can afford childcare/take maternity leave.

I’m also 35 so I worry it’s just my hormones telling me I’m running out of time for another baby!

I think you would be mad and I think it's really selfish.

I would also be saying the same to a single dad on here debating whether to have another on his own via surrogate/donor eggs. It's just so selfish. Concentrate on the child you have.

I don't know where people are getting it from that it won't cause the child any issues. How do you know? Do some research!

Of course people will just do what they want because 'go for it!' 'if it's what YOU want'! etc

Just because something would be less harmful than this, doesn't mean you should actively go out of your way to do it. It's still harmful.

There are also plenty of children with dads who are very happy, and plenty without who are not happy (just to balance the ridiculous argument upthread)

@jeaux90 You wouldn't have chosen that for your DD though I am guessing, ideally? That's the point. This would be an active choice from the outset.

I looked into this and after joining a few Facebook sites that had donor conceived people commenting about the effect it has had on them, and the rejections they had from their donors, I wouldn't. I've accepted I may never have another child, which is so hard but I'm too morally torn to use a donor.

@LuckyAmy1986 totally get what you’re saying. But the most recent study I can find shows much worse outcomes for children of divorce rather than single mother by choice. Parental conflict is much worse than not having a father apparently.

I don’t think I’m being selfish - I’m not currently pregnant! Just asking for opinions.

@jeaux90 yes this is a massive factor for me. 1 child is expensive but we’re comfortable, I don’t want to detract from DD’s life to have another baby.

But isn’t OP’s point that her daughter has a father and he doesn’t bring anything to their lives - in fact he’s caused a lot of trauma and heartache - so why not skip the trauma and heartache?

I don’t want to put words in OP’s mouth but I doubt she’d dispute that a loving, committed father is a great thing to have if you can get it. But she doesn’t have the luxury of time to find a loving, committed one. And a shit, absent one is actively harmful to a child, plus she needs to consider the issues associated with bringing a new man into her daughter’s life at this point.

Better no man than a crap one.

Sorry that was a reply to a post upthread 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Ostryga Yes but you are only comparing it with 'worse' scenarios! Like I said just because something could be worse, doesn't mean you should do the thing that actually might be really harmful.

I didn't say you were selfish, I said IT is selfish. I'm just giving my opinion. (I am surprised you took it so well tbh! It's good you are open to seeing both sides.)

Go for it op

@IAmTheWalrus85 you know she doesn't HAVE to have a baby right? Better no man than a crap one is not a reason to do this, unless you are looking at it from a purely selfish point of view!

Would people be saying go for it if this was a single dad who wanted another baby on his own?

DD is asking for a sibling but by the time the sibling comes along she will be a least 7. They wont grow up as sibling. Thell both grow up as onlys.

And also you saying it less harmful or hurtful to have an unknown dad than a dad that isnt involved in their lives... you can't know that. Not knowing where half your dna comes from is really hard ! understatement

What happens if a special needs baby make it appearance in your life as you are a bit older to have a child. Then what? Would you still cope. Would you want to do that to yourself or dd?
Etc etc

@LuckyAmy1986 have you read the studies you tell op to read ? they don't actually match up with what you're saying.

Ideals in life are so uncertain. Better to plan for reality than hold out for perfection IMO.

By contrast to those here and of course it’s purely anecdotal, one of my best friends never knew her father and is at peace with that. She’s very matter of fact and objective as a person and accepts her Mum got pregnant by a fling. Not exactly the same but it’s really not held her back.

Honestly there are so many women who start it out alone or end up alone who do a fantastic job, I don’t see what’s so unusual about this. I get that in an ideal world OP would have a loving father on board who would be earning £100k and allowing her to SAHM, but gotta work with what you got.

@RedRosette2023 yeah if it was determined you couldn’t get pregnant unless you live as the socially accepted “perfect” family, there’d be no babies. I’m constantly baffled by the accusation I had my son selfishly… who ever gets pregnant selflessly?! A couple wanted to be parents, so they had a baby. Same as me.

Ultimately I think anyone thinking about kids has to be ready and have thought through going it alone as so many partners turn out to be uninterested and unreliable. You're prepared, you're capable I am fairly sure you've got this.

How easy a child is your DD because I had 2 and one was a very easy baby and the other one absolutely broke me.

I have known two women who were abandoned when their children were very small babies and both those children are now adults. The way their lives have panned out is very different as have the lives of their children. The one thing that made a huge difference is one had a huge amount of family support, that one is my niece

You can have plenty of money and that can buy in cleaners and childcare but as well as practical help she has always had emotional support from her Mum, her Dad, myself and her two brothers.

The other one didn’t have support, she always criticised her Mum and sister for various reasons. She came across as very bitter overall.

Do you have a good pension/insurances? This isn’t about pension in retirement. I became disabled aged 48, I had great health before this. I was retired early through ill health after a year on very good sick pay, my youngest child was only 12 at the time.

I would also ask how secure your job is and have you done the maths regarding childcare and maternity leave costs.

There are extreme scenarios though. Nobody has to be the “perfect socially acceptable family”. Equally, choosing to use a donor when you have an older child who has a known biological father is quite a big step in the opposite direction. The friends I have do acknowledge the difficulties their donor conceived children may have. I think it’s important because they can support their children, if any issues do arise.

Didn't @TakemedowntoPotatoCity mean bingo as in on one of these threads someone will always come along soon enough and mention adoption as if it's some really easy option that everyone can do, and that there's a load of babies just lining up waiting to be adopted?

I have no issues with using a donor or planning on being a single parent but I would worry that one child was born with a father and one wasn’t. That I had decided to create the disparity between my children.

In the future the first child may have a relationship with their father and fathers family even if that’s not something that happens now, but the second child wouldn’t.

Have you thought about adoption? Obviously it’s not easy and there can be issues when they grow up but I think that would probably be my go to in your position.

It sounds like you and dc have a lovely life. Throwing another baby into the mix will be a huge upheaval for you all. I wouldn't personally, but I only have one and love it. Dc and I have a fantastic and close relationship.

Why would anyone suggest adoption over a sperm donor??

The need to know where we came from, biologically, is very intense. You have no understanding of that and keep blathering on about crap fathers. Do some reading.

I’m sure you didn’t mean to be so condescending!

I am doing reading, and thinking it all through hence why I’m posting here for opinions and not just going ahead with it.

This thread is getting carried away with the whole donor thing, which as OP pointed out, research shows is a non-issue.

I think your dilemma is very sensible, OP: "can I support 2 kids?"

I don't think anyone can answer that for you.

I will say that the baby years are usually very short. Also, research shows that for most people, when faced with a major life dilemma, "taking the leap" is usually the best option in terms of happiness / life satisfaction.

But it absolutely IS an issue for some people, as this thread shows, and there is research to show it absolutely matters for many people. Clearly not an issue op cares about. I think she wanted lots of 'Yeah go for it why not, you don't need a man' responses to help her decide to go for it and she has those in spades.