Am I mad to want to have a second child on my own?

[Ostryga]

For context I have a 6yr old that I’ve raised as a single parent since she was born so raising children on my own is very much the norm for me.

I am secure financially, own my home, can afford childcare/take maternity leave.

I’m also 35 so I worry it’s just my hormones telling me I’m running out of time for another baby!

No, actually. There's enough pain and trauma in the world, no need to go around seeing trauma in things that aren't actually traumatic.

So if DH runs off with the milkman tomorrow or god forbid something worse.... would you have my kids removed from me to be adopted by a heterosexual couple? I mean I have three lads, two still pre schoolers. How could it be fair to raise them without a father figure? Or do I get a 12 month gap to get myself in Tinder and find some bloke to shack up with so I can say I satisfied the father reqs?

Should OP herself be looking at giving up her child or moving in any bloke that'll come just so she can give her child what you deem to be a good life vs the inferior one you think she has?

I'm not posting anymore after this but I think it's quite gross for you to say that. 'Things that actually aren't traumatic' who are you to decide that? I'm gobsmacked.

Any child is going to have completely different needs to my daughter? They’re different people!

And I’m not being blamed for my daughter’s father being shit so you can stop that immediately. I didn’t make him be a vile father.

There is a difference between shit happening in life and PURPOSELY choosing it.

I think that you are coming down very hard OP's (possible) life choices but are really not providing any congruent reason for these views.

@febrezeme JFC OPs poor choice? Do you also blame women who are customs of DV for their poor choice.

How about congratulations to all us lone parents out here that do a great job on our own despite the ex arseholes we had the misfortune to be gaslighted or abused by.

OP I posted earlier on thread about my situation, very similar to yours but just a few years ahead and I can't believe the idiotic replies on here.

You sound like a clear minded, conscientious parent. I am sure you will consider all options and associated risks carefully before deciding.

What a fucking victim blaming post.

OP picked a man who nay have presented zero red flags. Some men are great until the kid comes along and then shit when their "ooh I really want a baby with you" baby finally arrives. Some cheat and run off. Some just hate being beholden to a kid. Some have poor MH and disappear. They didn't all walk around with a sign saying I'm a dick head, let me impregnate you. And you never know how stable a relationship is, even with marriage. You think husbands don't just walk away and abandon their kids?? We're married, three kids, stable but I'm not psychic. He could be hiding torrid affair. He could have a breakdown next week. He could just decide life is bloody hard and there's an easier way. I'd stake my chips on that never happening, but not my kids life because you can never ever know someone inside out for now and into the future.

HIS choices have long rescuing effects on his child. That isn't ops fault but it's her who will have to fix it

I'm not deciding. People did the research on this question provided actual evidence on this that OP can use to inform her choices.

And even if I did meet a man I a) wouldn’t move him in with Dd and I and any potential new baby. and b)would never get married as I want to protect my home, pension and savings for mine and my children’s future.

But she choose to procreate with him, if we follow febrezes logic that this is due to OPs poor choices. And not having a parent of both sexes is worse than most other things. So why should her child not be placed within a nuclear family unit?

The children are in innocent. If its abhorrent to consider a baby growing up without knowing their father, surely it's abhorrent to consider DD to do the same, so the state should intervene or op should be pushed to meet a new man and move him in immediately.

OR there are shades of grey and nuance and not every experience will be as catastrophic emotionally as yours was

Just wanted to say that sperm/egg donors are not necessarily contactable when the child turns 18. I donated eggs and the HFEA would make available only my name and last known address i.e. the address I was living at when I donated. There is no legal requirement for me to keep my contact details up to date, nor is there any requirement for me to respond to attempts to contact me.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t, by the way. Just that it’s not a given.

Go for it. You know what hard work it is, it's not your first time at the rodeo.

You're financially secure and if it's what you want then do it. I'd start pronto as you are 35, fertility starts to decline quickly for some people although not all.

Good luck.

I’m sorry that you don’t want to hear kids can be happy without Mother, Father, 2.4 siblings, a golden retriever and a little picket fence… but in fact some of us can be even happier! In real life, kids come into the world in all sorts of circumstances. There is no one way that guarantees happiness or misery. DCC will always have the benefit of knowing how wanted they are.

Also I have to say OP as a SMBC - the joy more than makes up for all the judgey people. And even some of the judgey people even change their minds when they see the joy!

Often I think people who pass very judgemental views must be in very horrible circumstances themselves, and resent anyone who has the audacity not to put up with that.

Pregnancy is inherently risk laden.what's your plan for your child if you end up dead or disabled? It's unlikely but a pregnancy would increase your chances of this happening.
Or the child has a life long disability? You could be removing financial security and your well-being from the equation.
Personally I wouldn't rock your boat.

Namechange and post as a single parent pregnant by someone not in the picture. You’re getting too much advice from the crazy people brought out of the woodwork by the word donor.
It’s a really tough choice to balance this huge potential benefit to your family with the potential costs. It sounds like your gut instinct is to go ahead, so I’d do some budgeting and then do that. There is no ‘right’ answer so you will never find it.

The fertility clinic I used had loads of things free of charge to help make a decision- open days, consultations, etc. That could help you get a few more facts about it all too.

Just one point. Sperm donors are the legal father. Not like egg donors or surrogacy. So if something happens to you or if they decide they want to know the child before 18 the courts do look favourably on that. Unlikely to be an issue, sometimes comes up when the sperm donors mother gets ill and wants to know her biological grandchildren etc.

Sperm donors are not the legal father in the UK. Google will tell you that.

If she was pretending to be pregnant by a guy who doesn’t want to be involved…. What would be the point of posting at all, because she wouldn’t be able to ask her question and get relevant answers. She’d just be a big standard troll.

That should have said bog standard troll.

Because she wants input on whether to have a second child, not on the ethics of sperm donation. That’s not what a troll is. You can change the details of a genuine dilemma when you post.

On wether to have a second child by sperm donation…. She’s not decided wether or not go get pregnant yet. So instead she’d just get ethics of abortion which isn’t her situation. Made up story with pointless answers is a waste of everyone’s time. Plus the ethics of sperm donation may be relevant to OP so she can make a balanced decision seen as it will have an impact on both children.

I think OP can decide for herself whether it’s a helpful suggestion, but it’s nice of you to spend so much time on the contras on her behalf.