Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I mad to want to have a second child on my own?

268 replies

Ostryga · 23/05/2023 19:42

For context I have a 6yr old that I’ve raised as a single parent since she was born so raising children on my own is very much the norm for me.

I am secure financially, own my home, can afford childcare/take maternity leave.

I’m also 35 so I worry it’s just my hormones telling me I’m running out of time for another baby!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ostryga · 23/05/2023 22:06

Alsobeyondshit · 23/05/2023 21:55

Adoption is entirely focused on what is best for the child.

Donor sperm is not.

Show quote history

How is it not? I’m not bringing a child into the world to beat it, I already have a home that includes a child and even if I say so myself we are very good at what we do.

Why would it be so horrific that I bring a baby into out happy home?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ostryga · 23/05/2023 22:08

OliveWah · 23/05/2023 21:53

I agree with what @Alsobeyondshit said - I think the main thing to consider is the different backgrounds your DC would have and how it would affect your existing DD.

Yes I agree with this. It would be difficult, probably less difficult that it is to explain why her dad doesn’t want to see her. I think I’m pretty geared up for the tough chats tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ostryga · 23/05/2023 22:08

Why DD’s dad doesn’t want to see her that should say.

OP posts:
tigger2022 · 23/05/2023 22:08

Ostryga · 23/05/2023 22:06

How is it not? I’m not bringing a child into the world to beat it, I already have a home that includes a child and even if I say so myself we are very good at what we do.

Why would it be so horrific that I bring a baby into out happy home?

Show quote history

It wouldn’t… my ds is a donor baby, he’s the happiest little boy ever

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 23/05/2023 22:13

I think if you have the money and energy then go for it, my dd has missed not having a sibling far more than not having a father.

The amount of crap people on this thread have spouted about it being selfish and wrong 🙄🙄🙄

What about gay parents or scenarios where a parent leaves or dies??

A child needs to know they're safe and they're loved and cared for. I've raised my dd on my own, she has felt sad occasionally about not having a dad about but its honestly not something that's going to cause her lifelong trauma.

Should single women be denied the chance of motherhood? Is it only married women that are allowed that privilege?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/05/2023 22:13

Op take no notice of silly comments. If your DD is fully on board with this and is mature enough to understand what is going on and you both really want it and you can afford it, go for it!

I read in a book called Happy Single Mum about something called The Donor Conception Network and it covers alot of the FAQs people have.

Ihaveshitfriends · 23/05/2023 22:18

If you want a good read then can i suggest Lauren Sadlers One and Only. It’s a brilliant read discussing the benefits of having a single child, it contains some interesting information of the positive effects of being an only on their education outcomes, mental health and future relationships. Fascinating read.

RedRosette2023 · 23/05/2023 22:22

I think you’d be going into this with your eyes wide open, which plenty women don’t when they have a baby whilst in a relationship. Your biological clock is ticking so totally think you ought to do this if you want.

Teder · 23/05/2023 22:28

The donor conception isn’t the only consideration. I would consider the age gap and the difference in biological links between your 2 children. I’m not suggesting not to go ahead but to prepare yourself.
I know 2 single mums by choice who both have 2 children each. They did use the same donor though.

I know there is some pre fertility treatment counselling so you could always discuss any concerns there. :)

TeaKitten · 23/05/2023 22:29

Ostryga · 23/05/2023 20:35

Yes this! Dd and I love going out to eat twice a week, I’m now imagining a screaming, colicky baby with us. Not so much fun.

But it’s always tough for the first few years, I know that, we all know that. Worth it in the end? That’s what I’m stuck on!

Show quote history

It’s worth it for you as an adult and a parent, but for your DD? She’d be 7/8 when the baby is born, a few years later when it’s ‘better’ she’s a pre teen and those years age gone.

Also I’m a single parent myself, but I think your comments minimising men to ‘a dick’ is a real disservice to your child. Men make up half the population, they aren’t nothing but a dick. Whatever you chose she deserves decent male role models and a mum who has a decent attitude towards men so that she can learn to expect more of men herself. The fact that you might be enough on your own, does not mean children get nothing but dick from dads.

TeaKitten · 23/05/2023 22:31

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/05/2023 22:13

Op take no notice of silly comments. If your DD is fully on board with this and is mature enough to understand what is going on and you both really want it and you can afford it, go for it!

I read in a book called Happy Single Mum about something called The Donor Conception Network and it covers alot of the FAQs people have.

Fully on board enough and mature enough to understand donor conception and the impacts of being a single parent to 2 kids…. She is 6 years old for Christ sake, she’s not the other parent. This decision is not her responsibility.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/05/2023 22:36

@TeaKitten of course its not the 6 year old responsibility! I'm not stupid. I meant take her feelings on board.
I've been around plenty of people with similar age gaps between children and the older child often absolutely adored and doted on the baby. Yes it isn't all going to be a bed of roses and she may be jealous, but that could be the case if op met someone else and had another baby that way. The op knows her own child, some children would react terribly to this and some would absolutely love being given a younger sibling in this way. I assume op has some support from family and friends?

Original poster
Ostryga · 23/05/2023 22:41

TeaKitten · 23/05/2023 22:29

It’s worth it for you as an adult and a parent, but for your DD? She’d be 7/8 when the baby is born, a few years later when it’s ‘better’ she’s a pre teen and those years age gone.

Also I’m a single parent myself, but I think your comments minimising men to ‘a dick’ is a real disservice to your child. Men make up half the population, they aren’t nothing but a dick. Whatever you chose she deserves decent male role models and a mum who has a decent attitude towards men so that she can learn to expect more of men herself. The fact that you might be enough on your own, does not mean children get nothing but dick from dads.

Show quote history

I don’t think you understood my point. I wasn’t calling men a dick - just saying what would be missing from out family - a penis. I probably should have use proper terms.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ostryga · 23/05/2023 22:44

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/05/2023 22:36

@TeaKitten of course its not the 6 year old responsibility! I'm not stupid. I meant take her feelings on board.
I've been around plenty of people with similar age gaps between children and the older child often absolutely adored and doted on the baby. Yes it isn't all going to be a bed of roses and she may be jealous, but that could be the case if op met someone else and had another baby that way. The op knows her own child, some children would react terribly to this and some would absolutely love being given a younger sibling in this way. I assume op has some support from family and friends?

I completely understood what you were getting across. And thank you!

Obviously I’m not going to ask my 6 year old to decide if I’m having another baby.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 23/05/2023 22:49

Ostryga · 23/05/2023 22:41

I don’t think you understood my point. I wasn’t calling men a dick - just saying what would be missing from out family - a penis. I probably should have use proper terms.

Show quote history

No, you’ve misunderstood. It’s not the use of the word dick, it’s that you have literally just said the only thing your child would miss from not having a dad is the penis… that may be the only thing YOU miss (because asides from anything else, even kids with 2 dads don’t have anything to do with the penis), but actually a kid misses a lot more, that doesn’t mean their life can’t be great and fulfilled with just you, but they do miss things other than dick/penis/sperm, whatever you want to minimise a dad to.

If you choose that then that’s your choice, but you are being very ignorant about the value that 50% of someone’s DNA can bring to their lives. I’m not totally against single parents using donor sperm but I am against people being ignorant about the choices they make for other people. Your attitude towards men is not a healthy thing to model to your daughter.

Whataretalkingabout · 23/05/2023 22:50

What if it's a boy? Then there would be a penis in your home! ;)

Watermelonbathbomb · 23/05/2023 22:51

I would in a heartbeat, if I were in your situation. Go for it!

TomatoSandwiches · 23/05/2023 22:59

RichTeee · 23/05/2023 21:46

Do you have other supportive adults nearby who would step up to help if, god forbid, something medical was an issue with the new baby?

I have a medically fragile child, my firstborn DD takes a lot on - rejection, disappointment, trips cancelled due to her siblings health. Its so hard to know this is her life and I feel guilty for uprooting her happiness by having a second child..

I hadn't even thought of this going into pregnancy- I declined the amniotic testing and thought I will be able to deal with whatever happens next. I did not expect it to be this hard

This also happened to myself.

You and your DD have a very comfortable life, she may also need regular intensive help over the years considering her biological father hasn't stepped up as a decent dad which will take a significant amount of Imput from you.

I would not risk upsetting this status quo, I live with a lot of regret every day, it isn't a nice way to be.

RooftopParty · 23/05/2023 23:01

I think it’s unethical. My friend was conceived by donor and it’s caused a lot of issues for him, questioning who he is, family stuff and impacted his relationships. He’s in touch with other donor conceived people and many have similar experiences.

I think that some people being useless/absent parents, isn’t a reason to deliberate create children with the intention of not being brought up by their biological parent from day one.

SunnyFrost · 23/05/2023 23:03

It sounds like your daughter has been through a lot. You sound like a great mum to her and like you two have a very strong bond. I can’t help thinking that given the rejection she is suffering from her dad, it might not be the best thing for her for you to have a baby that will inevitably take a lot of your focus away from her. She may perceive it as another rejection, of you needing more than just her. I know that’s not logical but often small children aren’t.

Being honest, I think you should focus on her. There’s no way that having a baby with such a large gap and only one parent to go around won’t detract from her life and limit what you can do with her, at least to some extent. She may of course gain lots of other things from having a sibling but also they may not be close at all due to the large age gap and she would just be losing out on a chunk of her mum’s time and attention after already being abandoned by her dad.

I would leave it, for her sake.

Opine · 23/05/2023 23:12

My father was absent throughout my childhood as were lots of my friends. It was very much the norm to be raised by a single mother. Most of us went out of our way to ensure we had two parent households for our own children and ALL of us agree that fathers are very very relevant despite what we were told or forced ourselves to feel.

There is quite a distance between shit dad/penis in the house to loving father.
Being without a father is of course survivable but my mother didn’t actively choose that for me and I’d think she was a self righteous dick of she had.
later on, from teen hood, he was around and massively enriched my life.

TheTaylorNation · 23/05/2023 23:15

A surrogate is not a mum ! Often nit even related to that child biologically

My point is, a guy having a child by a surrogate is depriving that child of their mother. You can't bring a child into the world without one.

tigger2022 · 24/05/2023 05:58

Opine · 23/05/2023 23:12

My father was absent throughout my childhood as were lots of my friends. It was very much the norm to be raised by a single mother. Most of us went out of our way to ensure we had two parent households for our own children and ALL of us agree that fathers are very very relevant despite what we were told or forced ourselves to feel.

There is quite a distance between shit dad/penis in the house to loving father.
Being without a father is of course survivable but my mother didn’t actively choose that for me and I’d think she was a self righteous dick of she had.
later on, from teen hood, he was around and massively enriched my life.

Having a dad but not seeing him and resenting that or using an absent father as an explanation for all unhappiness is not the same as (and is definitely not better than!!) growing up in a happy household where there really is no ‘dad’ out there just a biological donor and having your needs met by one person. It’s not any more selfish for single people or lesbians to have children. There are plenty of miserable kids with dads and plenty of happy kids without them.

CardiffMam · 24/05/2023 06:07

Go for it! There are 7 years between my eldest and youngest and they are best friends. Both your children will have stability and love from you and love and friendship from a sibling.

jeaux90 · 24/05/2023 06:43

Lone parent to DD14 since she was 1. She's had no contact with her father since then and is absolutely fine. (For the other readers on this thread)

OP I can imagine this is a really tough decision. DD really wanted a sibling for a few years but it was a phase. Now she is a teen she'd be completely fed up with having a younger kid around although she adores her cousins.

The other factor in my personal experience is cost. My DD was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD when she was 10, girls often have a later diagnosis. I put her in an all girls private school for secondary, as this was the best decision for her and she is now thriving after struggling the last couple of years in primary with the massive class

The point is there is no way I could give my DD the opportunity and lifestyle we have if I had two. We take nice holidays and she goes to a lovely school. I am financially independent, I have a great career luckily but I definitely couldn't offer two kids the same opportunity my DD currently has. Like you we have a great life, eat out, go away etc

Just sharing my experience. Whatever decision you make you Will continue to be an amazing mum I'm sure.