Am I mad to want to have a second child on my own?

[Ostryga]

For context I have a 6yr old that I’ve raised as a single parent since she was born so raising children on my own is very much the norm for me.

I am secure financially, own my home, can afford childcare/take maternity leave.

I’m also 35 so I worry it’s just my hormones telling me I’m running out of time for another baby!

Why do they need fathers?

Does your eldest have a relationship with her father? I think it's pretty selfish to being a child into this world deliberately denying them half their family just because you want another child and don't want or need a father to get what you want - it doesn't mean the child doesn't want or need a father.

@Ostryga my children don't have fathers either and are incredibly happy. I know endless people WITH fathers however who can't say the same. It's having a solid loving home that's important not a box ticking male present.

No she doesn’t. I don’t understand what a man can bring to our lives that I would be missing?

A dick? We don’t need those day to day. Honestly not sure what we’re missing out on here.

Utterly selfish choosing to bring a child into the word with the intention of depriving them of their father.

Would you adopt?

some of these posters lol...

OP my mum was as loving as they come but I did struggle at times with not knowing who my biological father was.

There was some challenging years when I was a teen - I went through a time of feeling like I didn't know who I was or where I came from. This also lead to some anger towards my mum (poor woman - wasn't her fault my dad was shit) but I felt like why couldn't she of conceived with someone decent and loving.

I used to feel left out a lot too as most of my friends had 2 parents even if they didn't live together.

Think about it from a potential childs point of view.

Yes, I was lucky to have one decent loving parent - some don't even get that.

I'm not sure I would do it on purpose though.

All this 'children need fathers', 'a shit dad is still better than a sperm donor'. Really?!? I can only assume these are actually men writing?

So it's better to know your dad didn't care about you enough to stay in contact/treat your mother well than to know half your DNA came from a generous stranger (who, by the way, you can contact when you're 18)?

I used a donor and it's been amazing - I say go for it if you want it!

I really disagree with this. Sperm donors now know that they will be contactable by their child(Ren) in future so implicitly must be ok with the possibility. Nothing to stop a child getting in touch with them as an adult if they want to.

As the child of divorced parents who hasn’t had contact with my deadbeat dad since I was 14 (and was sporadic from when he moved out when I was 5) I can confirm that it would have saved a lot of heartache if I’d never known him in the first place and also that my single mum provided a fantastic, warm, loving home. I’ve grown up to be a happy and well adjusted person with a happy marriage. Struggling to see what I missed out on really.

I think you can underestimate the damage a shit father can do. Honestly, it’s life long trauma.

Do you not think that having no father in their life would also cause life long trauma for the donor baby?

Bingo!

Not true.

Children need two things:

Love

Stability

If you can offer that, and you can afford wxtra help when you need jt, then go for it.

I've got twins by donor. They are happy, well-adjusted children. They have male role models. They live in a 100% stable environment.

I regret myself not finding them a dad but they know nothing else and they are v happy. We talk about it regularly BTW.

So, let's get this straight.

Adopting (where there is no father) is ok.

Using donor sperm (also no father) is not ok.

What about children with two mothers, or two fathers, then?

@BonnieGlasses if you talk to donor conceived people then no the majority do not have issues with it at all. A significant amount actually have no interest in even contacting their donors when they are able to (the donor conception network is a good place to look) the ones that do have issues tend to be the ones where its been kept a secret or they were only told later in life, which obviously would be traumatic to realise later on.

Incidentally, but also importantly, if you 'find a gay man' to father the child, then he will have rights forevermore over the child. A donor will not.

That is critical.

Do you have other supportive adults nearby who would step up to help if, god forbid, something medical was an issue with the new baby?

I have a medically fragile child, my firstborn DD takes a lot on - rejection, disappointment, trips cancelled due to her siblings health. Its so hard to know this is her life and I feel guilty for uprooting her happiness by having a second child..

I hadn't even thought of this going into pregnancy- I declined the amniotic testing and thought I will be able to deal with whatever happens next. I did not expect it to be this hard

This is ridiculous - do you know children conceived by donor, or are you just making stuff up to be provocative?

I am happy for you to meet my two highly traumatised children if you want. They would laugh at this statement.

A shit father is far worse than no father. Take it from someone who was in an abusive relationship before having kids alone.

I really disagree with this. Sperm donors now know that they will be contactable by their child(Ren) in future so implicitly must be ok with the possibility. Nothing to stop a child getting in touch with them as an adult if they want to

So deliberately depriving them of their father for their whole childhood. It's wrong. Same as a guy having a baby by a surrogate - bringing a child into the world with the intention of depriving them of their mum.

I’m a SMBC. Some people can be judgemental but the whole thing is so wonderful it just drowns them out. I say go for it 😍

Of course not , go for it . Kids need stability . I had my second child using IUI with a sperm donor and it the best decision I made .

With the age gap and no second parent what will you do when your 9 year old wants to go on a rollercoaster but the 3 year old is too young. Who will watch the 3yr old? Same situation in tbe pool, the park, on holiday etc

A surrogate is not a mum ! Often nit even related to that child biologically 🙄

I agree with what @Alsobeyondshit said - I think the main thing to consider is the different backgrounds your DC would have and how it would affect your existing DD.

Adoption is entirely focused on what is best for the child.

Donor sperm is not.