Am I mad to want to have a second child on my own?

[Ostryga]

For context I have a 6yr old that I’ve raised as a single parent since she was born so raising children on my own is very much the norm for me.

I am secure financially, own my home, can afford childcare/take maternity leave.

I’m also 35 so I worry it’s just my hormones telling me I’m running out of time for another baby!

Absolutely. I don’t think women should be denied children or a family just because the right man hasn’t come along, or indeed stay with a shit man just to have children.

families come in all shapes and sizes, and provided they are loved and cared for that is what matters.

very best of luck whatever you decide

I don’t think I’ve done that? I’m open to both sides and understand the pros and cons. As I’ve said repeatedly I’m thinking of my Dd first, and won’t make any decisions that negatively impact her.

What are you on about ? My kids have large gaps and they absolutely love each other !!

OP has a child. There is no right to have a child either.

I can link to a lot of studies and personal stories that match up with it yes.

I am sure you can for the opposite? (including the pps on here with little children, who will all due respect don't know anything different at the moment)

OP needs both sides. I am actually stunned at some of the pps on here saying it doesn't cause any issues tbh

It would impact another human though....
It's not just about her happiness and satisfaction, think about the child too maybe?

I think if you've got the love, time and resources, absolutely go for it. I would have done the same if I wasn't fortunate enough to have found a great man.

To those saying a child needs a father, what about women in same sex relationships using a donor? There is no father there and I know a few lovely children (and one very well adjusted and happy adult) who came from this family set up.

Do not underestimate the damage a bad parent can do to a child. One excellent parent is enough.

I also disagree with that. it's also not fair on the child

anyone??

Presumably OP's happiness and the potential child's happiness are closely entwined.

Then why is there scientific proof that kids raised in this situation have,on average, better emotional, social, and educational outcomes than those raised by heterosexual couples?

(Hint - it's because being a wanted child is the most important factor).

I agree - I think that 7 years is a great gap for someone in OP's situation. Her oldest child will be old enough that she's pretty independent with a lot of stuff, but young enough that she's still a kid.

How is that relevant?

Please do. I would love to assess the scientific rigor and credibility of these studies.

The people talking about 7 years as a huge age gap and kids growing up separately are a bit nuts. I know plenty of people with bigger gaps who are very close to their siblings. And lots of kids who love their much younger siblings growing up alongside them. Obviously it can be a lottery with siblings and sometimes parenting can have an effect on sibling relations too for better or worse. But you know your child and probably have an idea how they would handle having a new sibling. It's going to be an adjustment in any family, so the arguments around this (or indeed around whether the child has special needs) in relation to this being a donor child (correct term?) are only relevant in terms of whether you have enough support around you. I don't see it as selfish because the OP is creating more family for her current DC. I really wished to do the same for mine, as I see into the future when I'm gone or potentially becoming a burden when I'm old, and I just wanted my DC to have someone who could be there for them through life, not only a playmate for a few years. But I didn't have the financial resources or youth on my side. It gets lonely being two and I think it would be worth pushing through some tough years just to increase the love in the family. It might be hard and bad things might happen as they might to any family. But that's not a reason not to try. In relation to having a donor father - I know just one child in this situation and they are incredible, well adjusted and - although it's a case study of just one - because the mum has been up front since birth, there haven't been any issues around this at all so far, while from what I've seen it's rare for there to not be any issues at all when the relationship between parents break down.

I think if you've got the love, time and resources, absolutely go for it

This is so very important. While not the same situation as the OP my sibling & I did grow up without a father. He died when sibling was a baby and I was similar age to your dd. My mum struggled, her priorities were to keep us fed and a roof over our heads, which took most of her time and resources. The love was there but more in practical, sensible way and most of it went to taking care of my sibling as they were really young and became the ‘problem child’ and I was more self sufficient I guess. At times I did have to play the role of mum which really frustrated me. Once when I was in secondary school, my siblings’ primary school contacted ME about an issue they were having as they couldn’t get a hold of my mother who was working.

Unfortunately we’re not close, I moved half way across the world decades ago and we speak once, twice a month. Sibling still lives close to my mother.

Children don’t NEED fathers, nice to have (obviously when they’re not dicks) but you can’t miss something you never had. Growing up without a father made me a stronger person. Bit cold and unemotional at times but that’s due to my mum but you don’t seem like her.

Please do answer that. I would love to see if you would feel the same in this scenario. Do children need mothers?

7 years is not a massive age gap, having much younger siblings is also nice. Being donor conceived is not traumatic, only the feeling of being lied to - that’s why the donor conception network advise talking to DCC about it from a young age, so they grow up never remembering a time they didn’t know where they came from.

10 years ago I was in an abusive relationship, where I was controlled, bullied, and physically and sexually assaulted. Now he has a wife and 2 children, and I have my son by DC. The idea that his wife selflessly brought 2 kids into the world to be bullied and abused by a monster, but me bringing my happy little boy into an environment where has never been shouted at or insulted or hurt is the worst, most selfish thing ever… something doesn’t add up to me.

It's not traumatic at all, for anyone?

I can't deal with you guys honestly.

No issues, no trauma, just happy happy happy.

honestly...

Why is this affecting you so much? You’re being really over the top and intense. Yes Op asked a question on an open forum, you’ve answered, others have answered but you seem so determined to passionately argue against the thought of a donor?

I’m sorry if I’ve missed but do you have lived experience that’s making you feel this way?

I think that children need loving, attentive, consistent adults. However, bringing up that scenario immediately brings into surrogacy the equation, which is always a huge thread derail, and really not relevant to the original question.

I don’t take issue with the donor thing, or raising a kid without a dad.

Logistics are what I’d worry about. If baby cries all night there is no second adult to take them so you can have an extra hour of sleep. No second adult to stay home with either child if they’re poorly on a working day. If baby gets bronchiolitis or croup, big sister will have to come to the hospital too, even at 3am. You’ll have to give up the meals out, or work them around naptime, nappy changes etc. Big sister’s Lego and anything precious can’t be in the living room anymore, and you’ll struggle to play with her like you did before.

If you have a supportive and flexible family or friend network around you that would mitigate some of the logistical issues.

If it were me I hope I wouldn’t go ahead, because it would probably be very hard, and I don’t think I would cope well. But you know yourself best, and maybe it’s the right thing for you. I hope it work out, whatever you do. You sound like a happy little family.

Yes I am actually finding it quite distressing tbh so I am going to leave the thread. It's just very frustrating with everyone just saying go for it, I find it shocking. Maybe that's why I am coming across so intense.

What is your massive issue? I’ve replied honestly to you and now you are hounding.

I know I can provide a happy, warm, safe and thriving environment to any child. And the outcomes of me having a decent career, intelligence both academically and emotionally will far outweigh any negatives that being conceived by donor spent will apparently cause.

The reason I’m not rushing ahead is because I have a child already here to think about.

And don’t be so rude to someone who has experienced something absolutely terrible in life just to prove your point. It doesn’t make you come across well.

*No she doesn’t. I don’t understand what a man can bring to our lives that I would be missing?

A dick? We don’t need those day to day. Honestly not sure what we’re missing out on here.*

But that was presumably your poor choice in choice of father for your child - presumably not a stable relationship not married and so on. Your choice has/will have had lasting repercussions. But it happens that relationships break down. But you want to do it again a deliberately raise a child without a father - whose to say the next child won't be a boy and have totally different needs to your daughter