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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is trying to call the shots again! This time I said no but AIBU?

250 replies

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:33

Inlaws are coming to see us at the end of the week. They're not local so stay nearby. They come every 6-8 weeks roughly. Dc1 is in pre school and starts school in September. MIL asked if he could not go to pre school on Friday afternoon they could take him out for the day. I said no because he missed pre school last week because he was ill and he was really upset not to see his friends. Plus, we said to the inlaws that they can be with dc1 in the morning abs will see him after pre school. We're all meant to be going out to dinner together on Friday too. Then there's Saturday and Sunday to see him before they go home. Also, we have dc2 (baby) and my husband who will both be around on Friday afternoon so they can spend time with them. Luckily I'll be at work otherwise it will be inlaw overload 😉

MIL was really off on the phone when we said no to her and sent me a message saying how disappointed she was. She said that I had previously she it was ok for him yo miss a day off preschool but that was a few months ago and things have changed for dc1. I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much. Plus he needs that structure after being off last week and we have half term next week. She couldn't see that. Dc1 also has SEN and can't have too much over stimulation and hype (which inlaws do) so pre school will break that up too I feel.

So was I being unreasonable or was I right to say no? This has happened so often before. MIL likes to dictate but I feel like we're dcs parents, not her.

OP posts:
SchoolShenanigans · 24/05/2023 06:58

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:52

@Fillyfrog he wants to go to nursery. He was so upset when he was ill last week and couldn't go.

Show quote history

So he goes for one afternoon a week?

Original poster
CrazyDaisy1111 · 24/05/2023 07:31

strawberriesandkreme · 23/05/2023 21:52

It's his routine. They're there all weekend. He's not a toy.

THAT.

This is something I totally feel as well. My inlaws do tend to see gc a bit like this. They are very hyped up when they see the gc. I realise the gaps of time between each visit mean there's more excitement perhaps but that are so over the top. As ds has adhd and autism, over stimulation really burns him out. So I feel that by allowing him to go to nursery, it's giving him a bit of normal structure for 3 hours to regulate.

In the past, inlaws haven't always told us where they've taken him out to. They know beforehand but won't say. So they might say the seafront but go somewhere different like a theme park on the seafront. Our son has special needs which do have considerations and boundaries whether my inlaws like it or not. We've explained this many times in a diplomatic way but maybe we need to be more direct.

So on reflection, I've actually answered my own question on this and I do think I did the right thing saying no to MIL about ds going to nursery.

OP posts:
Catlady1978 · 24/05/2023 18:27

MIL is being unreasonable - DC1 has pre school and a routine so why disrupt that. Your child your decision.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 24/05/2023 18:48

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:50

@Lilacsparkles you're right. It's literally 3 hours. We said they could drop him off and collect him I they wanted to which he'd absolutely love. They will be with him all Friday morning and Friday evening. They wanted to take him out on Saturday which is fine and they'll see him Sunday too. Plus, yes, they have another gc to spend time with.

Show quote history

It’s not the three hours though is it? They wanted to take him out for the whole day.
and they can’t with pre-school in the middle. It’s half term next week so he’ll cope without his friends then. He’d have a lovely day trip out. It’s the sort of thing that I’d do, say no, but not because he’d miss his friends, just because I don’t feel my kids are safe with Mil and I really really don’t like her.

AllyArty · 24/05/2023 18:54

Stand your ground. Your DH needs to man up. This is not your problem only, it is yours and your husband’s problem and he needs to tell her what is ok and what is not ok.

Icantfindmykeys · 24/05/2023 18:56

You need to do what feel is right either way it’s a few hours.
Why not say they can pick up from school as DGC would love to show you school etc?
OMG I would have loved in-laws that were genuinely wanting to be involved! Mind you that’s easy for me to say.

phoenixrosehere · 24/05/2023 19:01

sunglassesonthetable · 23/05/2023 22:44

Good grief.. Harsh? By explaining to MIL that it would be best for the child to go to school and that they could take him and pick him up if they’d like? They’re still able to spend time with them on the weekend and will be back in 6-8 weeks time as they were before.*

Yes I think it's harsh to insist on his 3hrs of play school rather than go out with GPs who make such an effort to visit from away.

I respect OP maintaining boundaries and it's her call, I just don't think this is the right one.

And yes the simple truth is these GPs won't always be around. It's not 'a card'.

It is also the simple truth that these three hours in preschool are important to her child. She has already explained that her child has adhd and autism and that the grandparents do not take this into account. Some autistic children are different and would be ok with not going, some are definitely not and it would be upsetting. OP knows her child and what and what won’t cause issues for her child who should be put first before the in-laws.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 24/05/2023 19:08

Wnikat · 23/05/2023 14:48

@loobylou10 I think when we become MiLs we should just politely disappear into thin air to avoid doing the wrong thing. Apart from when we’re needed for childcare when we should briefly reappear but only to follow all instructions to the letter and ideally not speak.

You have hit the nail on the head!! I wonder whether Mums with sons realise that they will probably be in the firing line themselves one day…….

mainsfed · 24/05/2023 19:12

vivainsomnia · 23/05/2023 14:55

I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much
Did you really say that? It's so incredibly offending. It implies that he loves nursery better than spending time with his grandparents. No surprise they were upset!

No, it’s not ‘offending’ 🙄

It’s in his best interests to go to pre-schools. MIL just wants to tantrum like a child.

FFF3 · 24/05/2023 19:16

MoistPickyBits · 23/05/2023 14:48

100% agree. YANBU

Show quote history

also agree with this - YANBU - no reason to change his routine when they have the whole weekend with him. Also, you mention they visit every 6-8 weeks, so would they expect him to take the day off every time?

rosyAndMoo · 24/05/2023 19:17

I have a sen child, and I know the disruption to routine is hard for your child, however disappointing it is to your inlaws. Could you say to the inflows that can pick him up from pre school? They get to be involved then? Your child will probably want to show off his school and his coat peg, his drawings/art work etc, and will be an easier transition to the weekend?

changeme4this · 24/05/2023 19:30

How much access to information of your DC’s diagnosis have your in laws been allowed for them to fully understand his position?

surely if he is going to be adversely affected by interrupting his Friday afternoon time, it will also have a follow on effect for the rest of the weekend routine too? How do you manage that?

Blueblell · 24/05/2023 19:34

I don’t think you are being unreasonable! Keep his structure going and they have all weekend with him. Plus a baby while he is at school with his friends.

IamnotSethRogan · 24/05/2023 19:36

I mean it's really not a big deal either way. Everyone should calm down.

joycies · 24/05/2023 19:42

Wnikat · 23/05/2023 14:48

@loobylou10 I think when we become MiLs we should just politely disappear into thin air to avoid doing the wrong thing. Apart from when we’re needed for childcare when we should briefly reappear but only to follow all instructions to the letter and ideally not speak.

Sooooooooooo true. Such a tug of war for next to nothing !

joycies · 24/05/2023 19:47

BodyKeepingScore · 23/05/2023 15:04

I've been in the situation you've been in when DD8 was a toddler. I insisted that DD go to pre school as normal to avoid breaking routine, much to the disappointment of PIL (who I got on with really well)
Three weeks later, otherwise healthy and relatively young PIL died suddenly. Not allowing DD to have that morning with them will forever weigh heavy on my heart. In the grand scheme of things, a single day off nursery is bugger all.

Don't let it weight on your heart - you did absolutely the right thing. Grieving is hard enough without beating yourself with 'what if'

supersop60 · 24/05/2023 19:58

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 23/05/2023 14:50

I agree with you OP. School, even pre-school is important, part of your child’s weekly structure and a senses should be for serious reasons. Education is important and having a poor attitude to it now is a slippery slope. As you’ve rightly said, they have other opportunities to take him on day trips.

Same. They'll have most of Friday and the weekend to spend with dc. Unreasonable to ask.

Iwant2stayanon · 24/05/2023 21:36

I don’t see the issue, it’s only pre-school. It hardly feels like an issue to die in a ditch over. Sounds more like you don’t like MIL dictating and you are taking a stand over something that really just doesn’t matter.

rainydaysandtuesday · 24/05/2023 21:52

Awwwh

Ive read all your posts and think you're being a bit
Controlling

Macinae · 24/05/2023 21:58

If this was an annual visit I'd say be a bit less rigid but they come every 6-8 weeks. Your DH needs to be sorting these discussions with his mum though.

Wildflowermoon · 24/05/2023 22:06

Lilacsparkles · 23/05/2023 14:46

I’m surprised at the responses. It sounds like he’s literally only in pre school in the afternoon so what, a few hours? And they’re going to see him in the morning, evening and all Saturday and Sunday. My kids are always better if they keep to their routine and its not helpful if they think they can pick and choose when they go to something like pre school. Of course he should have the chance to see his friends while in laws spend time with their son and youngest child. Perfectly reasonable of you.

I agree with this. It’s not like they won’t get to see them at all, and they shouldnt be being off with you when they have no idea of your routine and the repercussions of changing it. My daughter is very routine led and it really throws her off if we change routine and she can become very difficult which can take days to recover from. I would have also said no, YANBU

Lindyloomillion1 · 24/05/2023 22:34

I think you should have kept your child off school. Keep your family onboard!

namechangingisboringme · 24/05/2023 22:46

Having lost my very precious grandfather last year out of the blue, I'd say let him have the day off.

CountessWindyBottom · 24/05/2023 22:59

I think you're being rigid and obstructive. But I know you're going to completely ignore this as you've done with every other post which isn't aligning with your views. They obviously love the child and unconditional love from devoted GP's will be far more beneficial but this isn't about that obvs.

Teenagehorrorbag · 24/05/2023 23:42

My DS has ASD and ADHD. Don't know about your previous threads but I agree with you 100% on this one. Keep his routine and minimise his disruption. It's not about the GPs!

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