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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is trying to call the shots again! This time I said no but AIBU?

250 replies

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:33

Inlaws are coming to see us at the end of the week. They're not local so stay nearby. They come every 6-8 weeks roughly. Dc1 is in pre school and starts school in September. MIL asked if he could not go to pre school on Friday afternoon they could take him out for the day. I said no because he missed pre school last week because he was ill and he was really upset not to see his friends. Plus, we said to the inlaws that they can be with dc1 in the morning abs will see him after pre school. We're all meant to be going out to dinner together on Friday too. Then there's Saturday and Sunday to see him before they go home. Also, we have dc2 (baby) and my husband who will both be around on Friday afternoon so they can spend time with them. Luckily I'll be at work otherwise it will be inlaw overload 😉

MIL was really off on the phone when we said no to her and sent me a message saying how disappointed she was. She said that I had previously she it was ok for him yo miss a day off preschool but that was a few months ago and things have changed for dc1. I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much. Plus he needs that structure after being off last week and we have half term next week. She couldn't see that. Dc1 also has SEN and can't have too much over stimulation and hype (which inlaws do) so pre school will break that up too I feel.

So was I being unreasonable or was I right to say no? This has happened so often before. MIL likes to dictate but I feel like we're dcs parents, not her.

OP posts:
Namechangedagain20 · 23/05/2023 14:52

I have a DC with SEN who would be unsettled by changing up the week and it would just lead to her becoming overexcited and an eventual meltdown, so I think YANBU as we try to keep things as consistent as possible. Plus they’re spending the weekend with them anyway so why the need for the Friday as well. I would frame it as quality time with the baby instead.

MadamWhiteleigh · 23/05/2023 14:52

It depends if you’re doing it because it’s genuinely best for your child or because you don’t like MIL and want to make a point.

To find out, ask yourself this: what would you have said if it were your mum/parents visiting?

FloweryWowery · 23/05/2023 14:53

You know what's best for your DC. Say no, they have the rest of Friday and the entire weekend to do stuff. Don't feel you have to tie yourself in knots trying to justify yourself. Where's DC's dad in all of this?

Sparkletastic · 23/05/2023 14:53

You have made your decision for good reasons. Posters without difficult family members may not understand why you need to stick to your guns.

Having had a recent experience with my own MIL where she refused to speak to her own son for an entire visit because she wanted to come over at a time of her choosing, when DH and I were both working, rather than 2 hours later when we we free to entertain her... you have my full support!

Original poster
CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:54

Gingerwriggle · 23/05/2023 14:47

Depends on the SEN. If you know this will be stressful for your DC, YANBU for doing what's best for them.
If you're doing it to prove a point though, YABU.
Either way, MIL is being a bit unreasonable to express how disappointed she is by text. Your DC, so she should have just shrugged and accepted it. Smacks of guilt trip / manipulation. Difficult to be sure though without knowing more about how she usually behaves.

@Gingerwriggle it's like walking on eggshells with MIL sometimes.

Dc1 has adhd and autism. Inlaws don't really get his triggers and needs.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 23/05/2023 14:55

I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much
Did you really say that? It's so incredibly offending. It implies that he loves nursery better than spending time with his grandparents. No surprise they were upset!

Waterfallgirl · 23/05/2023 14:55

Lilacsparkles · 23/05/2023 14:46

I’m surprised at the responses. It sounds like he’s literally only in pre school in the afternoon so what, a few hours? And they’re going to see him in the morning, evening and all Saturday and Sunday. My kids are always better if they keep to their routine and its not helpful if they think they can pick and choose when they go to something like pre school. Of course he should have the chance to see his friends while in laws spend time with their son and youngest child. Perfectly reasonable of you.

I totally agree. It’s just 3 hours in the afternoon he’d be home by 4 ish I’m sure.
You are right to send him, routine and structure in the day is important to him and you - and he has just as much right to go and spend time enjoying his friends .
And yes of course ILs should have time to see him but presumably they know he goes to pre-school so 🤷‍♀️ that’s where he should be. MIL doesn’t get to call the shots.

Original poster
CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:56

FloweryWowery · 23/05/2023 14:53

You know what's best for your DC. Say no, they have the rest of Friday and the entire weekend to do stuff. Don't feel you have to tie yourself in knots trying to justify yourself. Where's DC's dad in all of this?

@FloweryWowery he agrees with me but he's a bit weak when it comes to his mum I think (which is telling in itself). She's not an easy lady.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:57

vivainsomnia · 23/05/2023 14:55

I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much
Did you really say that? It's so incredibly offending. It implies that he loves nursery better than spending time with his grandparents. No surprise they were upset!

@vivainsomnia I didn't use the words 'best interests' but I did say how much dc1 loves going.

OP posts:
thinkfast · 23/05/2023 14:57

Once he starts school opportunities to take dc out for the day are limited to school holidays, weekends and bank holidays ie when everywhere is very crowded. If your MIL wanted to take DC out for the day on Friday, I would probably have said yes. I don't expect DC would be upset. It's upsetting to miss preschool when you are I'll - not upsetting to miss it because you're being taken out for a treat by your grandparents.

Of course, you're his parent, not MIL so ultimately it's your decision though.

Blueskysunflower · 23/05/2023 14:57

I used to keep mine off for in-laws visits - but they came at most twice a year. Given they see him fairly often and will have plenty of other time then I’d send to preschool, especially given half term looming, previous absence etc. Your in-laws might as well start getting used to it now, it’s much harder to miss school!

ssd · 23/05/2023 14:59

What would you do if it was your mum asking

FictionalCharacter · 23/05/2023 15:00

Yanbu. They’re having plenty of other time with him.

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 23/05/2023 15:03

You've previously told MIL you'll allow DC1 to miss preschool, so if you're now saying no he can't when she asks, it's ok for her to be disappointed.
How on earth is the MIL doing any dictating in that scenario?

WalnutWhippy · 23/05/2023 15:03

If they visit every couple of months you are being perfectly reasonable. Your son does best with a routine and will have 2 full days with them afterwards. It's not like that afternoon is their only chance to see him in a year. Dropping him off and collecting him will be nice for them.

loobylou10 · 23/05/2023 15:03

@Wnikat WinkWink seems that way doesn't it.

BodyKeepingScore · 23/05/2023 15:04

I've been in the situation you've been in when DD8 was a toddler. I insisted that DD go to pre school as normal to avoid breaking routine, much to the disappointment of PIL (who I got on with really well)
Three weeks later, otherwise healthy and relatively young PIL died suddenly. Not allowing DD to have that morning with them will forever weigh heavy on my heart. In the grand scheme of things, a single day off nursery is bugger all.

thing47 · 23/05/2023 15:05

MIL got no say in how I parented when my kids were little, absolutely zero. I like her well enough as a person but we had different views on parenting. She had her chance to parent her own kids how she wanted to; my kids, my way of parenting thanks.

As long as you have the support of your DH/DP, you just say 'well of course DC1 won't be here on Friday afternoon because that's when he's in pre-school, but he'll really be looking forward to doing things with you all weekend'.

Hazelnuttella · 23/05/2023 15:05

I find it very odd that they feel they could request that he stay off in the first place instead of accepting that you/DH would be deciding.

Sounds like they will still have plenty of time with him, plus they get some dedicated time with the little one - perfect.

BodyKeepingScore · 23/05/2023 15:05

Oh, also to add DD awaiting assessment for ASD, so also SEN issues to consider at the time. I was being precious over nothing. Both DP and I have serious regret over it.

AxolotlOnions · 23/05/2023 15:07

Let dc decide.

BodyKeepingScore · 23/05/2023 15:07

*FIL died, not both of them 😕

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 23/05/2023 15:12

MoistPickyBits · 23/05/2023 14:48

100% agree. YANBU

Show quote history

I also agree with this.

ladycarlotta · 23/05/2023 15:14

YANBU! They'll get lots of time with him, plus it gives them a chance to spend time with the baby. If he likes preschool and needs the routine, then it's definitely the right choice to send him in, and that's before we even get to the fact that you've presumably paid for the hours and won't get that money back!

NCISfan · 23/05/2023 15:17

YANBU. It’s important to keep to routine where possible with children with ADHD and/or Autism and you know your DC best.

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