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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is trying to call the shots again! This time I said no but AIBU?

250 replies

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:33

Inlaws are coming to see us at the end of the week. They're not local so stay nearby. They come every 6-8 weeks roughly. Dc1 is in pre school and starts school in September. MIL asked if he could not go to pre school on Friday afternoon they could take him out for the day. I said no because he missed pre school last week because he was ill and he was really upset not to see his friends. Plus, we said to the inlaws that they can be with dc1 in the morning abs will see him after pre school. We're all meant to be going out to dinner together on Friday too. Then there's Saturday and Sunday to see him before they go home. Also, we have dc2 (baby) and my husband who will both be around on Friday afternoon so they can spend time with them. Luckily I'll be at work otherwise it will be inlaw overload 😉

MIL was really off on the phone when we said no to her and sent me a message saying how disappointed she was. She said that I had previously she it was ok for him yo miss a day off preschool but that was a few months ago and things have changed for dc1. I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much. Plus he needs that structure after being off last week and we have half term next week. She couldn't see that. Dc1 also has SEN and can't have too much over stimulation and hype (which inlaws do) so pre school will break that up too I feel.

So was I being unreasonable or was I right to say no? This has happened so often before. MIL likes to dictate but I feel like we're dcs parents, not her.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 23/05/2023 17:08

Don't take him out of preschool. I'm surprised by the responses. He's SEN, he needs his routine, they will see him plenty during the visit and they visit often enough that they can establish and maintain a good relationship without having to spend every moment with him each time. If they visited once every 6-8 months my response would be different.

This sounds manipulative on your MIL's part. Keep your boundaries firm.

Passthechocolatesplease · 23/05/2023 17:15

I think you basically don’t like your MIL, even though they only visit roughly six times a year and then stay in a hotel! You obviously felt you needed to win the argument to put her in her place, which you have, so now you can feel very happy.
You have a son, maybe one day his wife will view that short amount of time spent with you as ‘inlaw overload’ and you can see how it feels.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 23/05/2023 17:17

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 23/05/2023 16:32

YANBU. My dd thrives in routine and it throws her out if she can't go one day.

Even thought she doesn't know it's a school day? As she can't attend 365 days a year that must make it such hard work with her routine being thrown out.

billy1966 · 23/05/2023 17:18

Absolutely the right call OP.

You know YOUR child.

How great that he enjoys it so much.

Commiserations on the scared husband.

So many of them on MN.

gamerchick · 23/05/2023 17:18

Bookworm20 · 23/05/2023 17:04

Does he only go on a friday or does he go every weekday afternoon too?

Personally I'd of kept my pre-schooler off given they don't get to see them as and when. Even if I hated my inlaws! Its one afternoon and it means they can't take him out for the day somewhere fun. And its the last day before the half term? Just tell him half term starts on thursday, he's in pre-school, i'm sure he won't have the faintest idea it doesn't. He'll see his friends when he goes back the week after, but won't see his grandparents for another 2 months.

They see him for a few days every 2 months roughly, so I think asking to keep him off for an afternoon so they can spend time with him and take him out somewhere fun isn't unreasonable of them.

And yes, you also have a baby, so they have another DGC, but babies don't give a hoot about days out, whereas a preschool tot would likely love it.
Unless they were planning a day out in primark and not at the zoo or something, I think yabu.

Really? Your young kid with SN loves days out? Mine hated them. They were an ordeal being out of routine. How do you manage to avoid meltdowns and being overwhelmed?

Its947 · 23/05/2023 17:20

I don’t see the big deal. Sounds like you may look for reasons to find MIL annoying.

bladebladebla1 · 23/05/2023 17:22

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 16:10

Seems that everyone is missing the bit that the inlaws will have time with just their 1yo gc whilst Ds is at pre school.

Ignore them. They're being ridiculous, it's not like you're saying they can't seen him at all.

strawberriesandkreme · 23/05/2023 17:25

it will affect whether or not they can take him out for the day if they wanted to travel somewhere.

it's irrelevant what they want, it's not about them.
They can make suggestions and ask their son and DIL if it's convenient/ a good idea to take the child to xyz place, but they don't get to make plans over the parents' head!

MaidOfSteel · 23/05/2023 17:26

Does your mother in law have form for trying to take over, OP?

I think you're absolutely right to stick to your guns. And don't feel like the parent; you are the parent, and you make the decisions.

It's not like they'll never see your son again. They'll be back again in 6 weeks.

MeridianB · 23/05/2023 17:29

i was thinking you were being unreasonable until I got all the way to the end of your post and saw your son has SEN. So I’m guessing his afternoon in pre-school will give him the structure/familiarity he needs. GPs dropping and collecting will be nice for all of them.

Maka21 · 23/05/2023 17:32

Sounds like a great plan! Chance for little one to see friends and play and also see grandparents. There is no issue and you are right OP because this is what is best for your family’s routine and your child.

Maka21 · 23/05/2023 17:33

when has she tried to call the shots before?

tennesseewhiskey1 · 23/05/2023 17:38

Depends on your relationship with them which tbh sounds frought. You don’t sound like you like her which is fine. I would do the same for my MIL as we don’t get on all that well (it’s ok atm but there are times where it’s awful) - but for my parents? Absolutely they can stay off school. Context is everything.

REignbow · 23/05/2023 17:44

Ignore her tantrum @CrazyDaisy1111!

Also ignore all the bat shit comments on this thread!

Summerfun2023 · 23/05/2023 17:47

YANBU

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/05/2023 17:49

I am 100% certain that whichever decision you make about a 4 yo going to preschool will be absolutely fine.

BonjourCrisette · 23/05/2023 17:50

YANBU, it's only a few hours and you know whether or not routine is important for your child better than they do. And they have another grandchild to see in those hours anyway. Ignore the batshittery!

Fandabedodgy · 23/05/2023 17:53

I'd have kept him off.

HappyMe6 · 23/05/2023 17:54

You are his mum you call the shots end of.

saraclara · 23/05/2023 17:59

I'd have kept mine off. When they only get to see grandparents every 6-8 weeks (as mine did too) missing three hours of pre-school isn't the end of the world. Mine were always excited to see their Grandparents, so wouldn't have been upset at missing pre-school to go out with them for the day.

As a GM I wouldn't kick off about the request being refused. I'd be a bit hurt though.

Avondale89 · 23/05/2023 18:00

strawberriesandkreme · 23/05/2023 17:25

it will affect whether or not they can take him out for the day if they wanted to travel somewhere.

it's irrelevant what they want, it's not about them.
They can make suggestions and ask their son and DIL if it's convenient/ a good idea to take the child to xyz place, but they don't get to make plans over the parents' head!

But they haven’t made plans over the heads of the parents, they’ve asked if they can do what they’ve done before which is take him out of 3 hours of nursery for the day. This is really getting blown up out of all proportion. I feel like there’s a lot of projection going on here from people with difficult MILs!

saraclara · 23/05/2023 18:00

HappyMe6 · 23/05/2023 17:54

You are his mum you call the shots end of.

I hate posts like this. Kids have dads too, and calling the shots over something small is often just a power play.

Avondale89 · 23/05/2023 18:02

BonjourCrisette · 23/05/2023 17:50

YANBU, it's only a few hours and you know whether or not routine is important for your child better than they do. And they have another grandchild to see in those hours anyway. Ignore the batshittery!

Are they bat shit comments? Or just opinions that you don’t agree with? Ultimately it’s about a young child missing a few hours of pre-school or not. It’s not the Middle Eastern peace process we’re talking about here.

ShinyShite · 23/05/2023 18:03

YANBU. I can't believe they're visiting every 6-8 weeks. That would drive me completely batty to be honest.

We have no (grand)parents on either side so it's always just been the 3 of us. When I was a child, I only visited my maternal grandparents in the summer school holidays for a week or so and I never met my paternal grandparents, although I don't know if they were still alive?

Your MIL sounds quite pushy!

Avondale89 · 23/05/2023 18:03

saraclara · 23/05/2023 18:00

I hate posts like this. Kids have dads too, and calling the shots over something small is often just a power play.

Show quote history

I completely agree. I don’t know why some mums(not saying the OP is one) seem to think they have the absolute last word when it comes to parenting. The Dad seems to be weirdly silent here.

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