Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is trying to call the shots again! This time I said no but AIBU?

250 replies

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:33

Inlaws are coming to see us at the end of the week. They're not local so stay nearby. They come every 6-8 weeks roughly. Dc1 is in pre school and starts school in September. MIL asked if he could not go to pre school on Friday afternoon they could take him out for the day. I said no because he missed pre school last week because he was ill and he was really upset not to see his friends. Plus, we said to the inlaws that they can be with dc1 in the morning abs will see him after pre school. We're all meant to be going out to dinner together on Friday too. Then there's Saturday and Sunday to see him before they go home. Also, we have dc2 (baby) and my husband who will both be around on Friday afternoon so they can spend time with them. Luckily I'll be at work otherwise it will be inlaw overload 😉

MIL was really off on the phone when we said no to her and sent me a message saying how disappointed she was. She said that I had previously she it was ok for him yo miss a day off preschool but that was a few months ago and things have changed for dc1. I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much. Plus he needs that structure after being off last week and we have half term next week. She couldn't see that. Dc1 also has SEN and can't have too much over stimulation and hype (which inlaws do) so pre school will break that up too I feel.

So was I being unreasonable or was I right to say no? This has happened so often before. MIL likes to dictate but I feel like we're dcs parents, not her.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 23/05/2023 16:30

TeaKitten · 23/05/2023 14:37

Can’t they just come a week later then it’s half term anyway and everyone’s happy?

This.

And anyway, your dc, your rules. YANBU

standardduck · 23/05/2023 16:30

@Fairydustandsparklylights you sound nasty. OP is not being unreasonable at all. It's only 3 hours and they visit often.

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2023 16:31

Fairydustandsparklylights · 23/05/2023 16:28

Why no words? You’ve been spiteful to your Mil and have allowed your dc to miss out on a fun day out with grandparents so you can exert your authority and get one up on her. As soon as people started commenting say you were being unreasonable, you drip fed SEN. I’m sure you would have approached the situation very differently with your own parents.

Show quote history

Drip feed???

She mentioned it in the bloody OP if you'd bothered to read it properly

And maybe her DS benefits more from routine and structure and the GPs can spend some time with the younger GC.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 23/05/2023 16:32

YANBU. My dd thrives in routine and it throws her out if she can't go one day.

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2023 16:32

YoucancallmeKAREN · 23/05/2023 16:21

Your child won't even know he is missing a day unless you tell him. Seems you just want to be narky and don't want your Husbands parents taking your child out. One day you will be a Granny, i hope your future DIL will be kinder.

Oh nonsense

andifeelfine · 23/05/2023 16:32

Fairydustandsparklylights · 23/05/2023 16:28

Why no words? You’ve been spiteful to your Mil and have allowed your dc to miss out on a fun day out with grandparents so you can exert your authority and get one up on her. As soon as people started commenting say you were being unreasonable, you drip fed SEN. I’m sure you would have approached the situation very differently with your own parents.

Show quote history

The OP mentions SEN in her first post and points out that she's offered Friday morning, Saturday and Sunday. 🤷‍♀️

She's offered the grandparents 2 1/2 days for opportunities for a fun day out...

Did you read beyond the thread title?

Newyearnewmeow · 23/05/2023 16:32

Your child your decision. They will be seeing him plenty over the weekend so stick to your guns. Your husband sounds weak so you’re going to have to be the firm one.

gamerchick · 23/05/2023 16:32

BodyKeepingScore · 23/05/2023 15:04

I've been in the situation you've been in when DD8 was a toddler. I insisted that DD go to pre school as normal to avoid breaking routine, much to the disappointment of PIL (who I got on with really well)
Three weeks later, otherwise healthy and relatively young PIL died suddenly. Not allowing DD to have that morning with them will forever weigh heavy on my heart. In the grand scheme of things, a single day off nursery is bugger all.

Man, I swear if anyone tried to use that kind of emotional blackmail crap on me in RL, they would get such a mouthful they would run for the hills Hmm.

I hear you OP. But it seems there are plenty of SN parents on here who know better. Maybe they could give you tips so you can appease a tantruming adult.

CaloundraBlues · 23/05/2023 16:32

Fairydustandsparklylights · 23/05/2023 16:28

Why no words? You’ve been spiteful to your Mil and have allowed your dc to miss out on a fun day out with grandparents so you can exert your authority and get one up on her. As soon as people started commenting say you were being unreasonable, you drip fed SEN. I’m sure you would have approached the situation very differently with your own parents.

Show quote history

Where has she been spiteful? OP is the child's mother, the child wants to go to preschool and the GPs get to spend the rest of the weekend with him, with the exception of 3 hours. Stop being such a nasty bully

IsItHalfTermYetHelp · 23/05/2023 16:34

Presumably DC will be at preschool every other afternoon that week though and doesn’t just go once a week? In which case surely missing one afternoon isn’t a big deal?

Maray1967 · 23/05/2023 16:37

Lilacsparkles · 23/05/2023 14:46

I’m surprised at the responses. It sounds like he’s literally only in pre school in the afternoon so what, a few hours? And they’re going to see him in the morning, evening and all Saturday and Sunday. My kids are always better if they keep to their routine and its not helpful if they think they can pick and choose when they go to something like pre school. Of course he should have the chance to see his friends while in laws spend time with their son and youngest child. Perfectly reasonable of you.

Agreed. Why on earth do they need him to miss preschool when they’re staying all weekend? His routine matters and you’re his parent - no one told me when my Dc did or did not go to nursery.

Avondale89 · 23/05/2023 16:41

Choosing to send him to nursery, when he’s there all week, over spending time with his grandparents is extremely odd to me. None of us know how long grandparents will be in our lives for. But you know what’s best for your own child, so if he needs the structure then that’s the right decision for you.

diddl · 23/05/2023 16:43

Bloody hell Op-you want to "call the shots" about your own child?

Who on earth do you think you are-a parent??!!

Sounds to me as if ILs will get plenty of time with him!

CaloundraBlues · 23/05/2023 16:45

Avondale89 · 23/05/2023 16:41

Choosing to send him to nursery, when he’s there all week, over spending time with his grandparents is extremely odd to me. None of us know how long grandparents will be in our lives for. But you know what’s best for your own child, so if he needs the structure then that’s the right decision for you.

He will be spending the rest of the weekend with his grandparents if they so wish, 3 hours isn't going to make a difference! Plus he wants to go

muddlingalong42 · 23/05/2023 16:50

vivainsomnia · 23/05/2023 14:55

I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much
Did you really say that? It's so incredibly offending. It implies that he loves nursery better than spending time with his grandparents. No surprise they were upset!

This comment is all upside down. A pre school child can't make relative choices like that nor would a decision to go to pre school imply anything about wanting to see grandparents or otherwise. Pre schoolers do not think in these terms. The grandparents should know that.
Sounds to me like the child's routine is important and there are enough interruptions to that already.

Dryfield · 23/05/2023 16:51

Lilacsparkles · 23/05/2023 14:46

I’m surprised at the responses. It sounds like he’s literally only in pre school in the afternoon so what, a few hours? And they’re going to see him in the morning, evening and all Saturday and Sunday. My kids are always better if they keep to their routine and its not helpful if they think they can pick and choose when they go to something like pre school. Of course he should have the chance to see his friends while in laws spend time with their son and youngest child. Perfectly reasonable of you.

Me too!

ineedtrinnyandsusannah · 23/05/2023 16:51

I don’t think YABU. You’re paying for it

viques · 23/05/2023 16:52

I think you have made the right call, they can have a special time 1-1 in the afternoon with the new baby without poor DS1 feeling that he is sharing his granny and grandad. Maybe as a compromise they could go with you to collect him from pre school.

nidgey · 23/05/2023 16:53

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:33

Inlaws are coming to see us at the end of the week. They're not local so stay nearby. They come every 6-8 weeks roughly. Dc1 is in pre school and starts school in September. MIL asked if he could not go to pre school on Friday afternoon they could take him out for the day. I said no because he missed pre school last week because he was ill and he was really upset not to see his friends. Plus, we said to the inlaws that they can be with dc1 in the morning abs will see him after pre school. We're all meant to be going out to dinner together on Friday too. Then there's Saturday and Sunday to see him before they go home. Also, we have dc2 (baby) and my husband who will both be around on Friday afternoon so they can spend time with them. Luckily I'll be at work otherwise it will be inlaw overload 😉

MIL was really off on the phone when we said no to her and sent me a message saying how disappointed she was. She said that I had previously she it was ok for him yo miss a day off preschool but that was a few months ago and things have changed for dc1. I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much. Plus he needs that structure after being off last week and we have half term next week. She couldn't see that. Dc1 also has SEN and can't have too much over stimulation and hype (which inlaws do) so pre school will break that up too I feel.

So was I being unreasonable or was I right to say no? This has happened so often before. MIL likes to dictate but I feel like we're dcs parents, not her.

I think you know your child best, and with SEN they might really value their usual routine.

Noicant · 23/05/2023 16:55

YANBU, we never take DD out of pre-school is we can avoid it. She loves the structure, she’s NT but settling after a break can be difficult. Plus it sets the tone for school.

strawberriesandkreme · 23/05/2023 16:59

Fairydustandsparklylights
I most sincerely hope you have not got a DIL, because if you keep this attitude, you won't have any relationship with her obviously, but you will lose your grand-children and son in the process.

It's not a competition. It's irrelevant what happens between a woman and her own parents, it has nothing to do with you.

Whichnumbers · 23/05/2023 17:00

next time MIL why not coincide your visit with half term holidays and that way you won't have this issue. In the future it'll be of help if MIL can have the gc for a day during the holidays

Bookworm20 · 23/05/2023 17:04

Does he only go on a friday or does he go every weekday afternoon too?

Personally I'd of kept my pre-schooler off given they don't get to see them as and when. Even if I hated my inlaws! Its one afternoon and it means they can't take him out for the day somewhere fun. And its the last day before the half term? Just tell him half term starts on thursday, he's in pre-school, i'm sure he won't have the faintest idea it doesn't. He'll see his friends when he goes back the week after, but won't see his grandparents for another 2 months.

They see him for a few days every 2 months roughly, so I think asking to keep him off for an afternoon so they can spend time with him and take him out somewhere fun isn't unreasonable of them.

And yes, you also have a baby, so they have another DGC, but babies don't give a hoot about days out, whereas a preschool tot would likely love it.
Unless they were planning a day out in primark and not at the zoo or something, I think yabu.

Avondale89 · 23/05/2023 17:05

CaloundraBlues · 23/05/2023 16:45

He will be spending the rest of the weekend with his grandparents if they so wish, 3 hours isn't going to make a difference! Plus he wants to go

Show quote history

Well, it will affect whether or not they can take him out for the day if they wanted to travel somewhere. It will cut straight through the middle of the day. I personally would never be so attached to 3 hours of pre-school that I'd allow it to interfere with time spent with family.

However I don't parent children with SEN and clearly the mother knows better than strangers on the internet. I do think the father should be dealing with this though, as it's his mother.

youmustbemad · 23/05/2023 17:06

I was thinking I'd have let him have the day off preschool until you mentioned SEN. My son has the same diagnosis as yours and I frankly know better than anyone else other than DH what does and doesn't work for him, and I wouldn't be coming on her looking for validation about my decisions for him from people who aren't parents of SEN kids, as they don't get it, however well-meaning they may be. DD on the other hand, no problem having a day off and being out of routine. But DS, no, he needs stability and we need to stick with what works otherwise he's miserable. Which is not the goal!

Swipe left for the next trending thread