MIL is trying to call the shots again! This time I said no but AIBU?

[CrazyDaisy1111]

Inlaws are coming to see us at the end of the week. They're not local so stay nearby. They come every 6-8 weeks roughly. Dc1 is in pre school and starts school in September. MIL asked if he could not go to pre school on Friday afternoon they could take him out for the day. I said no because he missed pre school last week because he was ill and he was really upset not to see his friends. Plus, we said to the inlaws that they can be with dc1 in the morning abs will see him after pre school. We're all meant to be going out to dinner together on Friday too. Then there's Saturday and Sunday to see him before they go home. Also, we have dc2 (baby) and my husband who will both be around on Friday afternoon so they can spend time with them. Luckily I'll be at work otherwise it will be inlaw overload 😉

MIL was really off on the phone when we said no to her and sent me a message saying how disappointed she was. She said that I had previously she it was ok for him yo miss a day off preschool but that was a few months ago and things have changed for dc1. I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much. Plus he needs that structure after being off last week and we have half term next week. She couldn't see that. Dc1 also has SEN and can't have too much over stimulation and hype (which inlaws do) so pre school will break that up too I feel.

So was I being unreasonable or was I right to say no? This has happened so often before. MIL likes to dictate but I feel like we're dcs parents, not her.

I don’t think most people have missed this at all, I certainly didn’t, I just don’t agree with you.

I'd have kept him off. It's only pre-school. Better for him to be with people who love him than in the care of randoms surely.

That's a bit mean, it's just 1 day - family is more important than nursery...

Agreed. The OP’s post was not that long or complex to defeat the reading comprehension of most posters on here surely. To my mind it’s just not a relevant factor at all.

As with the other poster, I'm wondering why they can't just visit the following week...

My parents live abroad, when they come they’d never ask me to keep the children off, that included when they were in preschool. I think keeping their routine is important so I would have said no if they’d ever asked. They loved doing the drop off and pick up when they visited and like your in laws they had the whole of the weekend with them anyway.

Nothing unreasonable about what you've done.

Your son was upset when he missed it last week.
With half term coming up that's another change of routine, so you want to keep as much routine as possible.
Too much GP can overload him - so a break will be good, given he has 3 full days of them otherwise.

All are good reasons. And as his parents that's your call. I'd be irritiated that MIL contacted you after your DH had given your decision, to moan to you.

My DC are adults now, but when they were little my (then) IL tried routinely to question and undermine our parental decisions. Decisions that were ours to make, and that we made with sound reasoning. They were disruptive and not acting in our DCs best interests (which as the adults the DCs have all said they were aware of as they grew up).

People don't stop having lives of their own when they're grandparent age, you know. We still get to have commitments and plans and friends and hobbies that fill out calendars.

Nah, I wouldn't want him missing preschool. It's only a few hours.

But they haven’t made plans over the heads of the parents, they’ve asked if they can do what they’ve done before which is take him out of 3 hours of nursery for the day

And the answer was 'no, they can't'. It's fine for GPs to ask, but that's the end of the conversation surely? Or do you think what the GPs want somehow takes precedence over what the parents think is best for their child?

Randoms? Seriously? He probably sees those so-called randoms more than he sees his grandparents and he wants to go and see his friends at pre-school since he missed them due to illness. Grandparents can spend time with his sibling while he is in school. Plus, with half term next week it is likely to throw him off if he doesn’t go. Better for him to go than miss and pretty sure OP knows her child better than all of us.

When my parents and in-laws visit, our sons do not miss school, oldest is autistic and goes to a specialist school, youngest goes to a mainstream school. Both our families value education and understand that the boys enjoy school and routine. They have all weekend when in-laws visit and my parents come during a half-term.

I'd have let them stay off pre school. But mine would prefer grandparents time over pre school.

If they had just asked and left it at that after the OP said no, there would be no need for a thread. Seems the only ones to blow anything out of proportion are the in-laws. The drama after the OP said the child would go to school for 3 hours is not necessary.

Nobody is suggesting they don’t have lives, but they visit every 6-8 weeks as scheduled visits and want a full Friday with the GC so they could schedule it during school holidays if they wanted, just as they would have to do every year after this one. This wouldn’t stop them having lives elsewhere would it. It’s a perfectly valid thing to wonder about.

but the problems start at birth, the only time when really mums are - or should be - in charge of any decision. Being the ones who carried the baby for 9 months, then went through labour and often are exclusively in charge of feeding.

That's unfortunately the time when in-laws completely overstep and pave the way to a very difficult relationship for the following years. If people were a bit more reasonable when babies arrive, there wouldn't be so many problems later on.

You see it on this forum all the time: but I am allowed to have a cuddle, it's MY grand-child, I come and visit when I want. The other grand-parents have visited, so I have the right to come to... If all that nonsense didn't happen, I bet future relationships would be a lot smoother.

It doesn't mean that a MIL has any right to dictate anything, and shouldn't sulk when told no.

The grandson is four years old, not a newborn. The father gets to have a say, for goodness' sake. And you're absolutely projecting and generalising here.

Personally my husband was an equal parent as far as I was concerned, right from day 1. If we want to talk about problem that start at birth, mothers excluding fathers from decisions from the off is another thing that can lead to problems in the future. One of the parents might have more say in a particular area, and the other parent in another. But I never for a moment thought that what I said went, full stop. And nor do I recall any of my mum friends having that attitude.

Fortunately I didn't have any issues with my DPs or PILs, but I also allowed them to be part of the new family. I recognised that the new arrival was massively important to them, so within reason I let them be involved. They appreciated that, and consequently didnn't push things. I recognise that not all relationships are that harmonious, but (back to the OP) I don't think a Grandma asking to take the GC out on a part time pre-school day is something that need a mother to pull out the 'I'm in charge' card, simply because she's the mother

I'm with you on this OP, grandparents don't get to dictate terms, they fit in around what's right for you and your children.

...said the graduate of Scunthorpe Poly.

I think yabu, sorry. I absolutely loved spending time with my grandparents. It's one afternoon. But you're the parent and know what's best for your child. What does your dh think?

It wouldn’t need to be if MIL accepted the answer given. She asked and was told no. That’s where it should have end.

OP explained why and MIL still doesn’t get it which tbh, she doesn’t need or have to only accept that it’s not happening due to xyz. Both OP and her DH/ MIL’s son agreed to this and OP has already stated that the child WANTS to go to school and see his friends after missing due to illness. She’s already said that they will have the time before and after he gets out of school and they are planning to take him somewhere on Saturday if I read correctly.

Why does MIL’s wants come before the child when it has already been agreed by both OP and her DH?

I am assuming these will be your sons' children so you'll be the second class MILs! At times it's good fun to keep one's counsel and watch them make mistakes, not massive ones though.

And hopefully have long memories when you need some childcare from them, you can then expect them to fit in what's right for you!

Your response to the post that you've quoted has nothing to do with what I said.

I was purely addressing but the problems start at birth, the only time when really mums are - or should be - in charge of any decision. Being the ones who carried the baby for 9 months, then went through labour and often are exclusively in charge of feeding.

I've already said in a previous post that the MIL should not have whinged to OP about her decision..

Totally reasonable on your part. This will blow over. Ignore.

Wow. You sound toxic.