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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is trying to call the shots again! This time I said no but AIBU?

250 replies

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:33

Inlaws are coming to see us at the end of the week. They're not local so stay nearby. They come every 6-8 weeks roughly. Dc1 is in pre school and starts school in September. MIL asked if he could not go to pre school on Friday afternoon they could take him out for the day. I said no because he missed pre school last week because he was ill and he was really upset not to see his friends. Plus, we said to the inlaws that they can be with dc1 in the morning abs will see him after pre school. We're all meant to be going out to dinner together on Friday too. Then there's Saturday and Sunday to see him before they go home. Also, we have dc2 (baby) and my husband who will both be around on Friday afternoon so they can spend time with them. Luckily I'll be at work otherwise it will be inlaw overload 😉

MIL was really off on the phone when we said no to her and sent me a message saying how disappointed she was. She said that I had previously she it was ok for him yo miss a day off preschool but that was a few months ago and things have changed for dc1. I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much. Plus he needs that structure after being off last week and we have half term next week. She couldn't see that. Dc1 also has SEN and can't have too much over stimulation and hype (which inlaws do) so pre school will break that up too I feel.

So was I being unreasonable or was I right to say no? This has happened so often before. MIL likes to dictate but I feel like we're dcs parents, not her.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 23/05/2023 20:32

saraclara · 23/05/2023 20:29

Your response to the post that you've quoted has nothing to do with what I said.

I was purely addressing but the problems start at birth, the only time when really mums are - or should be - in charge of any decision. Being the ones who carried the baby for 9 months, then went through labour and often are exclusively in charge of feeding.

I've already said in a previous post that the MIL should not have whinged to OP about her decision..

Show quote history

I've already said in a previous post that the MIL should not have whinged to OP about her decision..

Sorry, I missed that.

Selfietaker · 23/05/2023 20:32

saraclara · 23/05/2023 18:49

The grandson is four years old, not a newborn. The father gets to have a say, for goodness' sake. And you're absolutely projecting and generalising here.

Personally my husband was an equal parent as far as I was concerned, right from day 1. If we want to talk about problem that start at birth, mothers excluding fathers from decisions from the off is another thing that can lead to problems in the future. One of the parents might have more say in a particular area, and the other parent in another. But I never for a moment thought that what I said went, full stop. And nor do I recall any of my mum friends having that attitude.

Fortunately I didn't have any issues with my DPs or PILs, but I also allowed them to be part of the new family. I recognised that the new arrival was massively important to them, so within reason I let them be involved. They appreciated that, and consequently didnn't push things. I recognise that not all relationships are that harmonious, but (back to the OP) I don't think a Grandma asking to take the GC out on a part time pre-school day is something that need a mother to pull out the 'I'm in charge' card, simply because she's the mother

Show quote history

But she is in charge. She doesn't need to pull a card. She just needs to make the call in the child's best interests - which she's done.

MenoRageisReal · 23/05/2023 20:44

Lilacsparkles · 23/05/2023 14:46

I’m surprised at the responses. It sounds like he’s literally only in pre school in the afternoon so what, a few hours? And they’re going to see him in the morning, evening and all Saturday and Sunday. My kids are always better if they keep to their routine and its not helpful if they think they can pick and choose when they go to something like pre school. Of course he should have the chance to see his friends while in laws spend time with their son and youngest child. Perfectly reasonable of you.

I agree. They've got loads of time to spend with him and its not like they are an ocean away and only see him once a year - they come every 6-8 weeks fgs!

Keep him in his routine and they can enjoy those couple of hours with the baby instead.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 23/05/2023 20:46

DiIIy · 23/05/2023 14:44

Yeah I think it sounds like you just wanted it to be on your terms more than anything, sorry!

Thos. Sounds like you just dont like mil

greyhairnomore · 23/05/2023 20:50

I'd have let him stay off. My grandchild has missed a couple of preschool days to go out. Won't be able to when they are in school.

Greenpin · 23/05/2023 20:57

I worked in pre schools for years. Parents often told us that their child wouldn't be in because Granny was taking them out ,or dad had the day off work and they were going to the beach etc.Once they start school those opportunities are gone.
Sorry I don't understand the routine argument. What's the routine in the holidays? How does your small child know what day it is?
I do think you sound as though you want to put your mother in law in her place rather than it being a genuine reason. Days with grandparents and other wider members of a family are special.

Forestfire12345 · 23/05/2023 21:17

Let him see his GPs! She nay not be your blood family but she is his !
It's pre school. Stop it.

Valeriekat · 23/05/2023 21:21

The early responding misogynists are out again.
Your child, your decision. You know what is best for your child.

saraclara · 23/05/2023 21:24

Selfietaker · 23/05/2023 20:32

But she is in charge. She doesn't need to pull a card. She just needs to make the call in the child's best interests - which she's done.

Show quote history

Again, I was answering a different poster who said "You are his mum you call the shots end of." ...not the OP

phoenixrosehere · 23/05/2023 21:43

Forestfire12345 · 23/05/2023 21:17

Let him see his GPs! She nay not be your blood family but she is his !
It's pre school. Stop it.

So ignore that the child is SEN, has autism and adhd which his grandparents don’t understand and that the child wants to see their friends?

They come every 6-8 weeks. Next time will likely be the summer holidays. This is not like they only see their grandchildren once a year.

MrsKeats · 23/05/2023 21:45

Stick to your guns op. And calling pre school teachers randoms is incredibly insulting. Those 'randoms' are doubtless working hard to help your child learn.

Selfietaker · 23/05/2023 21:46

Forestfire12345 · 23/05/2023 21:17

Let him see his GPs! She nay not be your blood family but she is his !
It's pre school. Stop it.

It's his routine. They're there all weekend. He's not a toy.

Stop it.

MrsKeats · 23/05/2023 21:47

Agreed selfie

strawberriesandkreme · 23/05/2023 21:51

Personally my husband was an equal parent as far as I was concerned, right from day 1. If we want to talk about problem that start at birth, mothers excluding fathers from decisions from the off is another thing that can lead to problems in the future.

I am not projecting anything, thank you, but no, fathers are not equal from day 1.

It's biological, a father might be a bit tired but ready and happy to receive visitors, why wouldn't he. Meanwhile, the woman who has just gone through labour, given birth to a baby, with hormones all over the place, bleeding, and feeling exhausted and very vulnerable, some struggling to establish feeding, that woman might want a bit of privacy.
And you know what, she wins. Her needs and her wishes come first.

If her husband has major surgery one day, and asks for privacy, then in the same way, he gets to decide.

My point was that if things start badly from day one, they don't improve by the time the child is 4. If the MIL we read about on this forum were more respectful from birth, the relationships would not be so strained.

A mother WILL always pull the "I am in charge" card, because.. she is. The discussion was not with the father, who by that time is equal parent, but with a grand-parent who is most definitively not in charge of anything.

strawberriesandkreme · 23/05/2023 21:52

It's his routine. They're there all weekend. He's not a toy.

THAT.

WeekendInTheBoondocks · 23/05/2023 21:53

Wnikat · 23/05/2023 14:48

@loobylou10 I think when we become MiLs we should just politely disappear into thin air to avoid doing the wrong thing. Apart from when we’re needed for childcare when we should briefly reappear but only to follow all instructions to the letter and ideally not speak.

If Carlsberg created MiLs…

Terrribletwos · 23/05/2023 21:53

So, so many posters saying let GC see his GPS! Have you not read the thread?! The GC is going to see his GPS all the rest of the weekend!
Also, the GPs, if reasonable, and knowing that they will see him the rest of the weekend should have been happy at that but instead they are "disappointed". Why should they be disappointed and even if they were they shouldn't be conveying this to the mum and making her feel bad. As reasonable GPs they should, at the very least, be asking what fits best with her family before coming to visit, it's just simple manners, particularly when her child is SEN.
Also, OP you say DH is a bit weak with his parents. He should be working on that and not leaving all this mental load on you.

EsmeSusanOgg · 23/05/2023 22:01

MoistPickyBits · 23/05/2023 14:48

100% agree. YANBU

Show quote history

Same. Plus many kids get upset if they do not see their friends.

sunglassesonthetable · 23/05/2023 22:06

Your DC are lucky to have GOs who make such an effort to be around them. I don't think that has quite permeated to you OP.

They're your kids and it's your show but one day the GOs won't be around or will be too old and frail.

Missing 3hrs of nursery .....meh. In the grand scheme you're going to look round and barely remember it. Seriously.

But relationships with GPs. That's special and doesn't grow on trees.

I would willingly strangle my MiL. But I respect that she is the GM of my DC. And if you want your DC to value family you must too.

You were harsh. It's not the end of the world. But it's harsh. Imagine the situation was reversed.

phoenixrosehere · 23/05/2023 22:32

sunglassesonthetable · 23/05/2023 22:06

Your DC are lucky to have GOs who make such an effort to be around them. I don't think that has quite permeated to you OP.

They're your kids and it's your show but one day the GOs won't be around or will be too old and frail.

Missing 3hrs of nursery .....meh. In the grand scheme you're going to look round and barely remember it. Seriously.

But relationships with GPs. That's special and doesn't grow on trees.

I would willingly strangle my MiL. But I respect that she is the GM of my DC. And if you want your DC to value family you must too.

You were harsh. It's not the end of the world. But it's harsh. Imagine the situation was reversed.

Good grief.. Harsh? By explaining to MIL that it would be best for the child to go to school and that they could take him and pick him up if they’d like? They’re still able to spend time with them on the weekend and will be back in 6-8 weeks time as they were before.

*Your DC are lucky to have GOs who make such an effort to be around them. I don't think that has quite permeated to you OP.

They're your kids and it's your show but one day the GOs won't be around or will be too old and frail.*

She knows but also doesn’t like how they try to trample on boundaries as she says in her posts including not understanding their grandchild’s adhd and autism. And really, they won’t be always around card.. 🙄

sunglassesonthetable · 23/05/2023 22:44

Good grief.. Harsh? By explaining to MIL that it would be best for the child to go to school and that they could take him and pick him up if they’d like? They’re still able to spend time with them on the weekend and will be back in 6-8 weeks time as they were before.*

Yes I think it's harsh to insist on his 3hrs of play school rather than go out with GPs who make such an effort to visit from away.

I respect OP maintaining boundaries and it's her call, I just don't think this is the right one.

And yes the simple truth is these GPs won't always be around. It's not 'a card'.

CatsTheWayToDoIt · 23/05/2023 22:49

I’d have kept him off too. Yea he wants to go, but they want to see him. He won’t remember this, they will. Just indulge them. Time together is precious.

Ihavethisthingwithcolour · 23/05/2023 23:02

Some in-laws take no interest at all. I’d let him have the day off. Let them enjoy seeing their grandchildren and son together.

Equalitea · 24/05/2023 06:56

Your child your decision. I would have personally let him have the day off though.

SchoolShenanigans · 24/05/2023 06:57

I'd take my child out of preschool. I think YABU.