MIL is trying to call the shots again! This time I said no but AIBU?

[CrazyDaisy1111]

Inlaws are coming to see us at the end of the week. They're not local so stay nearby. They come every 6-8 weeks roughly. Dc1 is in pre school and starts school in September. MIL asked if he could not go to pre school on Friday afternoon they could take him out for the day. I said no because he missed pre school last week because he was ill and he was really upset not to see his friends. Plus, we said to the inlaws that they can be with dc1 in the morning abs will see him after pre school. We're all meant to be going out to dinner together on Friday too. Then there's Saturday and Sunday to see him before they go home. Also, we have dc2 (baby) and my husband who will both be around on Friday afternoon so they can spend time with them. Luckily I'll be at work otherwise it will be inlaw overload 😉

MIL was really off on the phone when we said no to her and sent me a message saying how disappointed she was. She said that I had previously she it was ok for him yo miss a day off preschool but that was a few months ago and things have changed for dc1. I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much. Plus he needs that structure after being off last week and we have half term next week. She couldn't see that. Dc1 also has SEN and can't have too much over stimulation and hype (which inlaws do) so pre school will break that up too I feel.

So was I being unreasonable or was I right to say no? This has happened so often before. MIL likes to dictate but I feel like we're dcs parents, not her.

Well neither my in-laws nor my parents ever asked for our children to miss nursery, school or extra-curricular activities when they were visiting, - and my parents lived 3 hours away until DD1 was 5. I doubt it even occurred to them.

YANBU! They are getting lots and lots of time with him over the course of their visit. How odd! It’s one thing to ask, - although I wouldn’t, quite another to huff when politely refused.

You were being really unreasonable and controlling. Of course a preschool age child can miss a day to spend time with their grandparents. That was cruel of you and you did it to prove a point to MIL, not for the best interests of your child.

loobylou10 I think when we become MiLs we should just politely disappear into thin air to avoid doing the wrong thing. Apart from when we’re needed for childcare when we should briefly reappear but only to follow all instructions to the letter and ideally not speak.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
yep! This is what we have to do in order not to offend parents of our DGC 😬

I’m so glad you are not my daughter in law. Your contempt for your poor MIL seeps from every line of your post. You don’t even see your in laws all that often why be so unkind?
When I was a child I hugely benefited from my relationship with my grandmothers (I had no grandfathers). My sons massively benefited from their relationship with their grandparents. Your children would likely benefit from a relationship with all their grandparents. Why wouldn’t you do what was best for your children?

No you are doing the right thing. Your child shouldn’t miss school because someone wants to play with them. It’s disruptive. I know it’s only preschool but it sets a precedence. Children who are off school for reasons other than illness regularly underachieve.

Also, this is your child and your rules for what you think is best for them. If she doesn’t like it then she can lump it and shouldn’t be sending you manipulative messages about how sad she is.

Absolutely!

Wow! I’m really surprised that so many people take their children out if nursery for visitors. I mean I would have if it was a brief visit from abroad or similar I suppose, but not just so my DDs could spend an additional 3 hours to the two and half days they were already getting with visiting family who visit regularly.

Luckily my in-laws and parents obviously thought like me, - and my mum was obsessed with DD1 and vice-versa.

It’s not a massive deal I suppose but the MIL’s reaction makes it more of a deal. I’d have thought, like others and like the OP, that it was an ideal opportunity for them to get some time with the youngest grandchild without the eldest feeling jealous. I mean OP isn’t suggesting they sit in the driveway for the duration; they’d be spending time with her, their son, and the other grandchild. How’s that got twisted into MILs have to be silent and disappear?

They sound like very loving grandparents and I absolutely would let them steal him for the afternoon. No need to be so rigid!

No reason to mention your kids sen
No reason to reply to her message
No reason for this thread

Youve said no
And thats the end of everything

As a fellow parent of a son with Autism I wouldn't have agreed. Perhaps with my neurotypical daughter I would have. I think many of the mums saying you are being unkind/difficult may not understand why.

My son is very rigid in his thinking, if I had let him skip "school" to go out with his grandparents once he would expected that every time they came, the new rule in his head would have been "when granny is here I don't go to school" he simply doesn't have the flexibility in his thinking that other children like his sister has.

If this was an annual visit, or his birthday , itight have been ok, but not if the grandparents visit regularly.

I'm also a bit surprised that the grandma isn't keen on one to one time with the younger one.

I would've let DS go with grandparents as they're not local. We're just back from holiday, DS will go to nursery today if he's awake enough but tomorrow we're going to an event so he'll miss it again. It's nursery it's not compulsory. He goes week in week out. I have two weeks off work, so we have things planned and once they start school you can't do it.
However my friend's child is being assessed for ASD and this kind of change to his routine would cause more harm than good, you know your child.

I agree with you. My aunt once asked the same thing and I said no. Of I let him have a day off when I feel like it is it going to happen every time. And if she comes next time will it be like oh you did it last time. Ours finish earlier on a Friday anyway. Plus she has all weekend to x

You are lucky to have in laws so caring and who want to see you and the kids. My in laws couldn’t care less. So yes AIBU

You obviously don’t like her/them. If a bunch of strangers can detect that then I’m sure she can too. Maybe that’s what upset her.

The GCs will have the rest of the weekend with the kid, I'm sure him going to pre school for 3 hours isn't going to ruin future relationships.

OP is probably glad you're not her MIL with that attitude

I’m glad some of these posters aren’t my MIL especially if they don’t have any experience with a sen child or can understand that such things can cause issues for said child.

That’s a big factor in this that some are refusing to acknowledge.

I can’t believe most of these replies tbh.

I also can’t believe that people think it’s okay for MIL to even ask if he can be kept off pre-school. It’s not her child, or her family unit. I would never go to someone’s home for the weekend and start making demands (which is what it is if she’s in a mood because OP said no, she wasn’t asking her then was she, she was telling her!) on someone else’s child!

They’ll have the whole weekend with him FFS, why are people getting so het up because he’ll be elsewhere for a few hours (and they can use those few hours to spend some time with their other GC) yes I know they wanted to take him out for the day but they could do that Saturday or Sunday surely.

I wouldn’t dream of asking if someone else’s child could stay off nursery/ preschool/ school to spend time with me. It’s so entitled.

How was your DD behaviour after these outings?
Did he enjoy himself was it fun or was he the opposite. Your mil sounds as if she really treasures her grandchildren because there are grandparents out there who don't bother at all at Christmas, birthday or spending time with them. Your mil sounds annoying but I wouldn't want to break her spirit. Does she have other grandchildren?

She was questioning the ops attitude towards her mil. My children didn't see any of their grandparents because they weren't interested and didn't want to make the effort. I have a good relationship with my children and it's not been an easy journey without my parents or his parents. I count my blessings that it's all worked out. Anyone who is banging down the door wanting to be a part of their grandchildren's lives should count themselves lucky because it could be a lot worse.

MIL was really off on the phone when we said no to her and sent me a message saying how disappointed she was. She said that I had previously she it was ok for him yo miss a day off preschool but that was a few months ago and things have changed for dc1

So MIL asked if she could do something that you have previously allowed. Since you have been OK with it in the past she had no reason to think you would have changed your mind so was probably already making plans and getting excited about what to do with her DGS.

When you unexpectedly said no she was understandably disappointed. But this apparently is your MIL trying to "dictate" and "call the shots"! I think your use of language tells us a lot about your attitude to MIL.

FWIW he will be in "proper" school for a long time when you can't really just slip him out of the odd session so it might be worth making the most of this last bit of pre school freedom.

Just because Op has previously allowed it doesn't mean she has to again.

MIL's a grown up-she should be able to deal with her disappointment without involving Op in it!

'Let them have him for the day,they might be dead next month'.😂

You’d already decided what to do before you even posted on here, you just wanted everyone to jump in and agree. The fact that youre actually being thoughtless and unkind to your child’s grandparents is obviously irrelevant to you.

The fact that youre actually being thoughtless and unkind to your child’s grandparents is obviously irrelevant to you.

So what if it is?

It would be to me if I was thinking of my child.

I'm so surprised ar how many unpleasant comments on here. I hope you are thick skinned. In fact, you will need to be to steer through these ructions!