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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is trying to call the shots again! This time I said no but AIBU?

250 replies

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:33

Inlaws are coming to see us at the end of the week. They're not local so stay nearby. They come every 6-8 weeks roughly. Dc1 is in pre school and starts school in September. MIL asked if he could not go to pre school on Friday afternoon they could take him out for the day. I said no because he missed pre school last week because he was ill and he was really upset not to see his friends. Plus, we said to the inlaws that they can be with dc1 in the morning abs will see him after pre school. We're all meant to be going out to dinner together on Friday too. Then there's Saturday and Sunday to see him before they go home. Also, we have dc2 (baby) and my husband who will both be around on Friday afternoon so they can spend time with them. Luckily I'll be at work otherwise it will be inlaw overload 😉

MIL was really off on the phone when we said no to her and sent me a message saying how disappointed she was. She said that I had previously she it was ok for him yo miss a day off preschool but that was a few months ago and things have changed for dc1. I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much. Plus he needs that structure after being off last week and we have half term next week. She couldn't see that. Dc1 also has SEN and can't have too much over stimulation and hype (which inlaws do) so pre school will break that up too I feel.

So was I being unreasonable or was I right to say no? This has happened so often before. MIL likes to dictate but I feel like we're dcs parents, not her.

OP posts:
Quietasamouuse · 23/05/2023 15:19

It sounds like they only have brief snatches of time with their grandchildren. I would have kept DC off nursery.

SamW98 · 23/05/2023 15:21

Lilacsparkles · 23/05/2023 14:46

I’m surprised at the responses. It sounds like he’s literally only in pre school in the afternoon so what, a few hours? And they’re going to see him in the morning, evening and all Saturday and Sunday. My kids are always better if they keep to their routine and its not helpful if they think they can pick and choose when they go to something like pre school. Of course he should have the chance to see his friends while in laws spend time with their son and youngest child. Perfectly reasonable of you.

Completely agree. Surprised so many think the OP being unreasonable as I totally agree with her on this

Fraaahnces · 23/05/2023 15:28

If you allow her to stop you from having dc1 at nursery based on the argument “You let us do it before”, she is obviously going to come to expect the same every time. Dc1 is going to have to become accustomed to going to school regardless of visitors, weather, meteor showers, etc… DMIL will try and pull out the Royal Visit card and you will confuse your child and get in trouble at school. I don’t think you’re wrong letting dc1 play with their friends, and a visit every six weeks or so isn’t exactly the same as living on the other side of the world and seeing the grandparents once a year. I didn’t see mine that often.

PurpleWisteria1 · 23/05/2023 15:32

Personally I would have kept him out and had a lovely day somewhere in the sun shine with the inlaws. But then I’m 11 years into kids schooling and would love to go back to those days!

Batalax · 23/05/2023 15:36

Does he only go the one afternoon a week? If so, then it’s really important he doesn’t miss it for three weeks running.

Funkyslippers · 23/05/2023 15:41

Yanbu. You have valid reasons for wanting him to not miss another session. She'll get over her huff I expect

Grimbelina · 23/05/2023 15:42

I dont think people saying that you should keep him off really understand how dysregulating children with SEN can find things. You did the right thing, you put your DC first. Well done you for having the boundaries to do so (and don't wobble!).

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 23/05/2023 15:44

MILS cant do anything right. You should've let her have a day with him. Time with grandkids is precious

Lasouthpaw · 23/05/2023 15:45

I'm in a very similar position to you. See inlaws every couple of months for a few days at a time. I find my MIL overbearing and very 'know.it all' when we do see them (amongst other things).

However, she adores my child and I think we're really lucky to have such loving, involved Grandparents. I surprised myself with my response to your OP but I actually think I would have kept him off to spend the day with his GP.

These pre school days are so precious, they have the rest of their lives to be in a work/school routine - and sadly limited time with GPs most likely too.

Vivi0120 · 23/05/2023 15:51

Yanbu. Your child. Your rules. Don't let them tell you what to do. You know what's best for your child. You also don't owe them an explanation. They sound too pushy to me!

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 23/05/2023 15:53

So they're spending 3 whole days with their gc, which they do every 6-8 weeks, and one gc is doing something else for 3 hours while the gps get to focus on the baby? I don't really understand why that is a problem.

And if it is such a big deal, why don't they visit a week later during half-term?

DucksNewburyport · 23/05/2023 15:55

I agree with you OP. I agree with you about not keeping him off, and even if I didn't I'd still say it's your decision, not theirs.

DucksNewburyport · 23/05/2023 15:56

Quietasamouuse · 23/05/2023 15:19

It sounds like they only have brief snatches of time with their grandchildren. I would have kept DC off nursery.

But they have the whole day on Sat and Sun?

Zebedee55 · 23/05/2023 15:58

Your decision, but keeping him away from pre-school, doesn't seem like a big deal.

Climbles · 23/05/2023 15:59

YANBU but I think they’re maybe just a bit of you who just doesn’t want to be told what to do by MIL anymore. I sympathise because I can be the same way. MIL is pushy and overbearing so so times I push back when I probably don’t need to. She can ask, you can say no but she definitely shouldn’t be sending manipulative messages.

maddening · 23/05/2023 16:01

Yabu imo, time with family is important and he won't miss anything from preschool imo.

Soontobe60 · 23/05/2023 16:01

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:54

@Gingerwriggle it's like walking on eggshells with MIL sometimes.

Dc1 has adhd and autism. Inlaws don't really get his triggers and needs.

Show quote history

How did such a young child get an ADHD diagnosis? I’ve never known that before.

FairyUpLiquid · 23/05/2023 16:01

YANBU as it’s your child and your decision but YABU to have agreed months ago for him to miss preschool because presumably he had SEN at that time too or suspected and the fact she gets him hyped would still be and have the same consequences.

CabernetSauvignon · 23/05/2023 16:02

Is there any reason why they can't come the following week when he will be around all day because of half term? Or just time shift by a couple of days?

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 23/05/2023 16:03

It wouldn't even be a discussion. It would be a "no, he is at nursery on a Friday afternoon" end of. His routine is obviously in his best interests.

EasterBreak · 23/05/2023 16:03

I'd pick missing nursery and seeing family any day of the year.

RobertsRadio · 23/05/2023 16:04

Lilacsparkles · 23/05/2023 14:46

I’m surprised at the responses. It sounds like he’s literally only in pre school in the afternoon so what, a few hours? And they’re going to see him in the morning, evening and all Saturday and Sunday. My kids are always better if they keep to their routine and its not helpful if they think they can pick and choose when they go to something like pre school. Of course he should have the chance to see his friends while in laws spend time with their son and youngest child. Perfectly reasonable of you.

Totally agree with this.
YANBU Op.

EasterBreak · 23/05/2023 16:06

Soontobe60 · 23/05/2023 16:01

How did such a young child get an ADHD diagnosis? I’ve never known that before.

Show quote history

I agree getting a diagnosis is so hard. My son was non verbal and couldn't speak until double digits and still only got diognosed early teens.

EthicalNonMahogany · 23/05/2023 16:06

@Soontobe60 what's your point? Do you think OP is making it up? I can assure you 4 year olds can present with needs that make a diagnosis not very difficult.

EasterBreak · 23/05/2023 16:07

Adhd and asd sorry I thought that said