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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is trying to call the shots again! This time I said no but AIBU?

250 replies

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 14:33

Inlaws are coming to see us at the end of the week. They're not local so stay nearby. They come every 6-8 weeks roughly. Dc1 is in pre school and starts school in September. MIL asked if he could not go to pre school on Friday afternoon they could take him out for the day. I said no because he missed pre school last week because he was ill and he was really upset not to see his friends. Plus, we said to the inlaws that they can be with dc1 in the morning abs will see him after pre school. We're all meant to be going out to dinner together on Friday too. Then there's Saturday and Sunday to see him before they go home. Also, we have dc2 (baby) and my husband who will both be around on Friday afternoon so they can spend time with them. Luckily I'll be at work otherwise it will be inlaw overload 😉

MIL was really off on the phone when we said no to her and sent me a message saying how disappointed she was. She said that I had previously she it was ok for him yo miss a day off preschool but that was a few months ago and things have changed for dc1. I explained that I felt it was for the best interests of dc1 to go to preschool as he loves it so much. Plus he needs that structure after being off last week and we have half term next week. She couldn't see that. Dc1 also has SEN and can't have too much over stimulation and hype (which inlaws do) so pre school will break that up too I feel.

So was I being unreasonable or was I right to say no? This has happened so often before. MIL likes to dictate but I feel like we're dcs parents, not her.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 16:10

Seems that everyone is missing the bit that the inlaws will have time with just their 1yo gc whilst Ds is at pre school.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 23/05/2023 16:11

Not entirely sure that asking for something that you've said in the past was OK is exactly "calling the shots"! For what it's worth I would have let him go.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/05/2023 16:11

Lilacsparkles · 23/05/2023 14:46

I’m surprised at the responses. It sounds like he’s literally only in pre school in the afternoon so what, a few hours? And they’re going to see him in the morning, evening and all Saturday and Sunday. My kids are always better if they keep to their routine and its not helpful if they think they can pick and choose when they go to something like pre school. Of course he should have the chance to see his friends while in laws spend time with their son and youngest child. Perfectly reasonable of you.

I'm team #LilacSparkles here too. I can't see why they would be kicking off over the sake of a few hours.

Send your DS to nursery and whether your MiL likes it or not, it's the routine that your DS is used to.

neilyoungismyhero · 23/05/2023 16:11

Wnikat · 23/05/2023 14:48

@loobylou10 I think when we become MiLs we should just politely disappear into thin air to avoid doing the wrong thing. Apart from when we’re needed for childcare when we should briefly reappear but only to follow all instructions to the letter and ideally not speak.

Ain't that the truth..on here anyway..

M0ose · 23/05/2023 16:12

When my kids were smaller my in laws would ask if they could take my 2 kids out of daycare for the day and I said no because I'm paying for the day which in my country is $105 a day each so will be paying it regardless if they don't attend daycare. They didn't ask since that day.
Then my lovely mother in law got sick 3 years ago and passed away a few months ago from cancer and I wish I could have just given her that time to spend with my kids when she was well and energised.
Moral of the story. Just take them out of preschool they wont remember what they did in school but im sure they will remember the time they got out of school making memories with nan and pop. Your in laws will cherish these memories forever, you never know how long someone has left.

Throughalookingglass · 23/05/2023 16:13

I'd have chosen to take him out of preschool for the day. When he is in primary, you will be much more restricted with his attendance and may look back and wonder why you were so stringent about it.

If he'd like his grandparents to drop him off and pick him up, then he'd surely like to spend the whole day with them too.

As you're working and won't have to entertain him yourself, I'd have let them spend the day together.

However, I also have an awkward MIL and sometimes its the way she says something that makes me react negatively so I understand what its like.

AnAngelAtMyTableWithMe · 23/05/2023 16:13

oh just go ahead and do what you planned and is your child's routine and don't get dragged into any conversation with the inlaws about it, they're being unreasonable for sure.

ArcticSkewer · 23/05/2023 16:15

Where's his father in all this? I'm surprised the conversations all go via you but perhaps that's just the way it's posted.
I really wouldn't sweat an afternoon at preschool - I used to take them out for adventures every now and then. Why not?
But it's up to you and your dh. He should be stepping up here to lead these conversations with his mum, based on your joint decision.

BodyKeepingScore · 23/05/2023 16:18

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 16:10

Seems that everyone is missing the bit that the inlaws will have time with just their 1yo gc whilst Ds is at pre school.

Not missing this point at all. Just think it's irrelevant in the context.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/05/2023 16:18

Where is your DH/DP in relation to how his mother speaks to you? How his mother treats your son? Disregards issues around your son's triggers and needs?

standardduck · 23/05/2023 16:19

YANBU and I am surprised by some of the replies.

ILs come every 6-8 week and he will only be gone for 3 hours, while they will still get to spend time with your youngest one.

If they only visited once or twice a year, I would understand, but this is a non issue.

Fairydustandsparklylights · 23/05/2023 16:19

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BodyKeepingScore · 23/05/2023 16:20

Lasouthpaw · 23/05/2023 15:45

I'm in a very similar position to you. See inlaws every couple of months for a few days at a time. I find my MIL overbearing and very 'know.it all' when we do see them (amongst other things).

However, she adores my child and I think we're really lucky to have such loving, involved Grandparents. I surprised myself with my response to your OP but I actually think I would have kept him off to spend the day with his GP.

These pre school days are so precious, they have the rest of their lives to be in a work/school routine - and sadly limited time with GPs most likely too.

In what way are the pre school days precious? Precious for who? My teen DC barely remember them, and they have zero bearing on their future academic career...

AnAngelAtMyTableWithMe · 23/05/2023 16:20

wow that comment is a bit much @Fairydustandsparklylights

Throughalookingglass · 23/05/2023 16:21

BodyKeepingScore · 23/05/2023 16:20

In what way are the pre school days precious? Precious for who? My teen DC barely remember them, and they have zero bearing on their future academic career...

Show quote history

The point, the poster was making, was that the freedom of preschool days is precious!

YoucancallmeKAREN · 23/05/2023 16:21

Your child won't even know he is missing a day unless you tell him. Seems you just want to be narky and don't want your Husbands parents taking your child out. One day you will be a Granny, i hope your future DIL will be kinder.

strawberriesandkreme · 23/05/2023 16:22

Wnikat · 23/05/2023 14:48

@loobylou10 I think when we become MiLs we should just politely disappear into thin air to avoid doing the wrong thing. Apart from when we’re needed for childcare when we should briefly reappear but only to follow all instructions to the letter and ideally not speak.

I think if MIL in general were giving the same respect and boundaries they'd give to anyone else, the world would be a more peaceful place.

Women should not be made to feel so much pressure from someone who is not their family, not their relative at the time they are the most vulnerable with a young child.

Give DIL space and the relationship will improve 100%. They don't owe you anything after all!

strawberriesandkreme · 23/05/2023 16:23

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that's a bit extreme? Why do you think the child would not prefer spending a couple of hours with his friends when he's seeing the adults for the entire weekend anyway?

sheworemellowyellow · 23/05/2023 16:23

It's not so much the pre-school/no pre-school, it's that you have a family routine and life and schedule and your in-laws have told you they're coming at a time convenient to them and are giving you grief for not adjusting your lives around them.

I can't imagine mine doing similar. They're ask when would be best for them to come, I'd say "well DS1 finished school at 3pm, why don't you arrive for 1.30, get settled and have a cup of tea, then we can all do pick up together. I won't tell him, it'll be a surprise and he'll be so excited!".

nokidshere · 23/05/2023 16:24

Well obviously it's your choice but I'd have taken the day off for grandparents.

andifeelfine · 23/05/2023 16:24

I think the OP sounds perfectly reasonable with all the extra context.

It's only a few extra hours, the OP has deemed these hours helpful for her own DC's wellbeing/special needs, and the OP has not blocked access to her other DC, and provided ample other opportunities to spend time with both of them whilst the grandparents are actually around. She hasn't said, oh, you can see both children on the 12th of Never, providing that the moon is purple with yellow polka dots at exactly 11.53.

It sounds more like the grandparents don't respect her parenting decisions. She knows her child best, and unless there's a drip feed, the grandparents don't have experience in raising children with special educational needs.

Stick to your guns, OP. When it comes to SEN, I'm inclined to listen to the primary caregiver(s) as so much of what is right is based on practical, current experience, not what things generally work for most kids on paper. The grandparents aren't the primary caregivers here.

Original poster
CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 16:25

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Oh wow!! I have no words for this.

OP posts:
CaloundraBlues · 23/05/2023 16:27

Ignore the arseholes OP, you want him to go to pre-school, he wants to go to 3 pre-school, it's only 3 hours and they get to spend the rest of the weekend with him. They've done their parenting, it's your turn now, and yes you're well within your rights to call the shots, he's your child!

Rhythmisadancer · 23/05/2023 16:28

regardless of autism / adhd it's good to stick routines, and get kids used to the expectation that they go in to school / pre-school / uni / whatever

Fairydustandsparklylights · 23/05/2023 16:28

CrazyDaisy1111 · 23/05/2023 16:25

Oh wow!! I have no words for this.

Show quote history

Why no words? You’ve been spiteful to your Mil and have allowed your dc to miss out on a fun day out with grandparents so you can exert your authority and get one up on her. As soon as people started commenting say you were being unreasonable, you drip fed SEN. I’m sure you would have approached the situation very differently with your own parents.