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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

400 replies

Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:25

This is my husband's ex.

Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum.

She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself.

Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsMiddleMother · 23/05/2023 14:24

OP you are your husbands wife, not his ex's babysitter. Stick to your guns and say no, you'll feel better for it when you're solo parenting 2 kids for a few days instead of 4

JenniferBooth · 23/05/2023 14:26

@SeasonFinale So the favour the ex would be doing the OP is the ex simply parenting her OWN KIDS Fucking hell!

Yousee · 23/05/2023 14:37

So aggravating that this is even a question.
OP has as much right as anyone to make decisions about her life. Ex has decided to go away. The DH has decided not to take on the issue of childcare. OP has decided not to take on the issue of childcare. It's unclear to my why anyone would think she's the only adult here with no right to decide.
My DH and his ex don't do this to me. After years of the groundwork being put in that I am absolutely not a parent to DSD, it would be a bit rich of them to suddenly start making demands. They might make the odd request and I help where I can, but under no circumstances do they place pressure on me to take on their parenting duties.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/05/2023 14:56

JenniferBooth · 23/05/2023 14:20

@pillsthrillsandbellyache And some men try to get around it

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4722491-he-has-a-son

What is even more shocking on that thread is the amount of what I'm assuming are women, berating the OP for expecting honesty 😱 I despair sometimes I really do. It just shows how much women are conditioned to put others before them.

Cornishclio · 23/05/2023 17:44

YANBU.

Even if they are your step DC if their actual father is not going to be around and you already have a baby and toddler too then I don't think you should agree to this. Is he off on a jolly too or is it work related? 8 and 12 still need parenting and if you have two other children too it is a lot to do for 3-4 days on your own with no back up. I bet your DH wouldn't volunteer to have all 4 on his own for that long.

They have several choices. The mum of your SC comes back early or your DH cancels his trip to come home and help you.

Newestname002 · 23/05/2023 18:57

@UlrikakakaJ

I would be pissed off if I was your husband.

Let him be pissed off then, but he and his ex should find an alternative childcare arrangement which does not involve or affect OP for their own children. If they can't find other childcare then either the Ex gives up her entirely optional holiday or the OP's DH rearranges his business trip and takes 100% responsibility for his children with the Ex so OP can carry on with her own plans. 🌹

Newestname002 · 23/05/2023 19:19

@Cornishclio

They have several choices. The mum of your SC comes back early or your DH cancels his trip to come home and help you.

I would not trust the Ex to stand by her word and come back early from her holiday as she'd already have built in childcare by another woman. And I can just hear OP's DH giving all sorts of reasons (excuses) why he can't get out of or rearrange his business trip. Which leaves OP still at the sharp end of a disadvantage. 🌹

Murdoch1949 · 23/05/2023 20:13

It's your husband's problem, not yours. He needs to arrange family/friends to help him out as he is the one away from home and they're his children.

Yousee · 23/05/2023 20:45

Murdoch1949 · 23/05/2023 20:13

It's your husband's problem, not yours. He needs to arrange family/friends to help him out as he is the one away from home and they're his children.

No, he's at home when he's meant to have the children. It's their mother who needs to arrange alternative care if she is going to be away on her time.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 24/05/2023 17:47

SkandiSkando · 22/05/2023 20:26

YANBU but your problem isn’t her asking, it’s him disagreeing with you.

This

Scottishskifun · 24/05/2023 17:55

Thulio · 23/05/2023 08:41

She's done it before when he hasn't accommodated her, that's why he wants me to do this now. She can be spiteful.

Show quote history

If she tries to pull this one then very simply your husband takes her to family court! Judges do not look favourably whatsoever on children being used as pawns and withholding access out of spite!

I'm with you OP she should have either asked way before your DH trip was organised or sorted other childcare out. The fact she's asking in May for a trip in June is ridiculous and you shouldn't have to look after 4 children on your own so she can have a extra 4 days on holiday!

I mean I have my kids with my DH no way would I leave 2 of them for a week with my husband it's just not fair!

Nononsensemumsy · 24/05/2023 18:04

I’d have them if it were me, with a couple of conditions, they would have school dinners that week to save you doing pack ups and there’d be no after school activities so I wasn’t running around too much, send dh to do a big food shop before he goes, insist they have enough school clothes to last the week, your dsc are old enough to help out with some basic chores, so they can help setting the table, clearing up after tea etc. I’d do it in the spirit of cooperation, so that you’ve got points in hand so to speak in case you are the one needing to move arrangements in the future.

Mumof3confused · 24/05/2023 18:06

I haven’t read the whole thread but why can’t she go for fewer nights. Perhaps if you just had them one night it would be doable.

IncomingTraffic · 24/05/2023 18:16

in case you are the one needing to move arrangements in the future

but she never will.

Her husband might. But he’s away and can’t look after his kids.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 24/05/2023 18:40

SkandiSkando · 22/05/2023 20:26

YANBU but your problem isn’t her asking, it’s him disagreeing with you.

First answer - spot on!

KateADM · 24/05/2023 18:59

Worst comment to step-parents ever: "You knew your dh had dc when you met him." When a mum has an issue or a moan about her own children, do you automatically say "well you knew what children were like when you had them"?

PinkConsoleGamer · 24/05/2023 19:15

For those saying she should do it

What happens if one of the younger ones has an accident and she needs to take them to A+E she can't leave them home alone.

What happens if one of the older ones needs to go to hospital and she can't consent to treatment due to not holding PR? If the child dies does she get the blame? And before anyone says it won't happen, a friend of mine looked after her stepdaughter for a week in very similar circumstances to the OP, the SD got ill and had to go to hospital from school and my friend couldn't consent to treatment due to not having PR despite being the parent of their half sibling. The girl was thankfully ok, but she may not have been. She's refused to have her SD alone ever since.

YANBU OP.

changeme4this · 24/05/2023 19:18

I would follow up on why her mother, their grandmother, cannot have them or stay with them for the nights your DH is away.
surely the children would prefer to be in their own rooms so granny could stay over at theirs. Mum gets home and there is no great upheaval of stuff to transport to and fro and unpack.

if granny has commitments or can’t be arsed, then why should you?

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/05/2023 19:23

PinkConsoleGamer · 24/05/2023 19:15

For those saying she should do it

What happens if one of the younger ones has an accident and she needs to take them to A+E she can't leave them home alone.

What happens if one of the older ones needs to go to hospital and she can't consent to treatment due to not holding PR? If the child dies does she get the blame? And before anyone says it won't happen, a friend of mine looked after her stepdaughter for a week in very similar circumstances to the OP, the SD got ill and had to go to hospital from school and my friend couldn't consent to treatment due to not having PR despite being the parent of their half sibling. The girl was thankfully ok, but she may not have been. She's refused to have her SD alone ever since.

YANBU OP.

Is any one on here saying she do it?
hope not!

Celp28 · 24/05/2023 20:35

I would do it. But that’s because I would want the step children to feel a part of the home and not to feel like they are an inconvenience. Yes it may be hard work for the 4 days DH is away, but it’s short term. I wouldn’t see it as doing ex a favour, I would see it as the step children are a part of your family too. You chose to marry and have children with a man who already has children from a previous relationship. Those children do not cease to exist because their parents separated and moved on. They should be able to feel comfortable and loved and not be treated differently to their step siblings. Sorry op, I rarely comment but these situations infuriate me. Having any child is hard work, it’s part of parenting, but they should be welcomed and loved and not treated differently from daddy’s other children who he lives with full time. Yours should be a home and a safe space for them with their step siblings regardless of whether their father is home or not. That’s what you signed up to when you chose to have a family with a partner with children already.

Utterknowitall · 24/05/2023 20:39

I personally would say yes. Because I believe in oiling the wheels of friendships and relationships. And what goes around comes around. I do lots of things for other people and I have great people in my life who do things for me. Not necessarily the same people...

Yousee · 24/05/2023 20:46

That’s what you signed up to when you chose to have a family with a partner with children already
Didn't their mother sign up for not being able to go off on a child free holiday with a few weeks notice with no childcare in place when she gave birth to them?
How peculiar.

JenniferBooth · 24/05/2023 20:50

@PinkConsoleGamer a good example of having all the grunt work but no rights to make decisions

Lollipop81 · 24/05/2023 20:52

I think it’s tough really, can’t quite believe they both expect you to take responsibility. If it means that much to your husband he should cancel his holiday. If it was me I would possibly say I’d do one night so she can go away for 4 nights. Really they should work together to find someone else to babysit you have a lot on your plate already. they are being very selfish really.

JenniferBooth · 24/05/2023 20:53

@Celp28 Do the family courts see the step mum as having the same rights as the father then Genuine question

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