To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

[Thulio]

This is my husband's ex.

Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum.

She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself.

Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

OP might not want their help though. Children and be more of a hindrance than a help sometimes. I don’t think this is a really good selling point to be honest.

Imagine saying that to your parents, “Shows how you feel towards your grandchildren then.” if they declined to have the children for a week while you go on holiday.

My parents would be hurt and extremely pissed off if said that to them. It’s such a childish and immature comment to make. But apparently it’s far game to say it to a stepmum when she’s rightfully declined to help the parents with xyz.

I agree with this.
Its not a bad thing to ask if someone who helps look after the kids every week could help out for a few days - at the same time you are within your rights to say no.
However, if it meant that you could get some payback in return - I think it could lead to a more co-operative relationship in future.
If your DH did all the work for the three days he was there. He might appreciate how much is involved.
You could get a baby sitter for some of your four days, either to pick up from school or help put them to bed. and your DH/Ex has to agree to foot the bill for this. She must have a mum friend who could drop them off/pick up for the school runs for some of that time

If you did it on that basis and they both owed you a favour.. it could end up being a good thing. It would show the ex that if she co-operates more, its a better situation for her too.

I think turning it down flat would cause resentment from both of them and result in more heels being dug in.At the same time, I think you need to really communicate to your DH that just expecting you to drop everything is not fair - . You are not the safety shock absorber between him and his ex - when what needs to happen is communicate, stand up to the ex more and have your back.

You are not free child care. If they want your help they have to acknowledge that this is a favour and needs to be returned and that they have to do everything possible to make it an easier prospect for you. But I think in the long term it is worth seeing if the three of you can make this work.

Then she (the ex) needs to find alternative child care for her kids for the 4 days, if you can't take them for the full week.

If you took the SP out of the equation and were just considering relatives to ask for childcare, I'd be unlikely to call upon the person that had two kids of their own. And I'd understand if they said no on that basis, as they obviously have their hands full, and wouldn't think it "says a lot about how they feel about the kids".

@aSofaNearYou I totally agree. Throw the word 'step child' into a situation, and all common sense flies out the window In any 'regular' situation, asking someone to look after 4 children would be considered quite a tall order

I think the attitude on here that step kids are not the stepparents responsibility at all, ever is quite sad and sometimes boarders on selfish. I'm so glad I don't know a single stepparent that behaves or thinks this way. I'm not talking about when stepparents are taken advantage off as I see so often on here.

I often had my EH new wife's kids overnight, they weren't even related to me or my DC in any way, and we didn't have a great relationship, but I've always tried to help out anyone if I can, even if it sometimes means putting myself out, because sometimes people need support, or a break, and no it's not my responsibility, like this is not op's responsibility, but if we all went around refusing to help anyone ever based on the fact it's not our responsibility, the would would be a very cold place.

So I don't think you have to do it, I don't think you have any personal obligation to do it, everyone who has said it, is right they do have 2 parents, but if those 2 parents have tried everything already to get childcare and can't then I would be really sad to know that I was the kind of person that wouldn't help out because it was a pain for me.

I'm not talking about when stepparents are taken advantage off as I see so often on here.

OP is being taken advantage of.

Agreed, of course she is.

If people like to do things they don’t want to because it helps someone else; fine. It doesn’t mean anyone else has to.

OP has said no, what is selfish is the ex and her DH trying to emotionally manipulate and make her feel bad about it.

How is she being taken advantage of?

She’s got two parents expecting her to be back up childcare for their children.

In that neither parent is changing THEIR plans for their own children, but SHE is being expected to. Even asking her there is an expectation that she will say yes, otherwise her H wouldn't bother

I'm not sure I agree Dunkin do you only ever ask people for things with an expectation they will say yes? That seems odd to me.
Also both parents have "holiday" plans they are both big one off things, this isn't a regular ask, op isn't cancelling anything she has planned.

The "both of them think I'm unreasonable" part demonstrates that they have not just graciously accepted her saying no.

Well we don't have the context behind why she thinks op is unreasonable. If we were to be generous it could be because op's husband already agreed before talking to op, it could be because she is an entitled CF?

He thinks it because he wishes op would be prepared to treat his children as part of the family, which I don't think is a massive ask especially as a one off.

As I said op is under no obligation to do this, it's not her responsibility, I just personally don't understand that and am thankful no one I know thinks like that.

Because she’s at home with her babies. She’s in a vulnerable position here where she’s backed in to a corner. Both parents of the stepchildren think she’s default childcare provider of the stepchildren while they both go away.

Her husband arranged his trip on the basis that OP will be looking after their shared children only. The stepchildren were not part of that agreement or OP may well have said no to his trip. To then now tell her to include the DSC means she is being taken advantage of and he is majorly taking the piss.

As for the ex, she shouldn’t even be asking OP for favours like this.

You’d think then, with a big one off thing, she’d arrange it for a time that she has childcare secured (or take her children), rather than just assume that she can dump it on the stepmother.

In the case of an opportunity coming up unexpectedly she can either pay for childcare or decline the invitation. She may want to go, but ultimately she’s responsible for her children. After all, that’s what she signed up for when she decided to have children.

I just personally don't understand that and am thankful no one I know thinks like that
I'm sure I'm glad I know no one who thinks like you, least of all DH and his ex, who would never dream of asking this of me except in an emergency. Certainly not just so that she could go on holiday.

Not just his ex, mother of his children so it's nice to be generous in this case I think.

The ex is his ex. She’s not ‘THE mother of his children’; she’s one of the mothers of his children.

Even if he wants to be generous to the golden Mother of His Children, why does that involve making the apparently not important mother of his younger children’s life harder?

It’s bloody easy to be ‘generous’ when someone else has to deliver on it.

OP, YANBU.

I guess if your DH wasn't working away, you would take the kids for the week, but it's because he's working away that you don't want to take on extra responsibility having no back up.
I get that totally.

She can go for 3 days, I don't think that's unreasonable at all and she can go on a longer trip when your DH isn't working away and you have back up.
Going from 2 to 4 kids on your own is a lot when your not used to it.

I'm guessing that the posters saying you should have them are people that have someone who can take their children whilst they have a nice week long child free break.
Yes, you could say I'm jealous of those people. I'm not a single parent but don't ever see a child free holiday on the cards on me & my DH until the kids are 18+ - but that's part of life having kids isn't it?

Giving in to the ex just makes her using access as a tactic to get her own way seem a winning one to her. Children should never be used like that. Your husband should be pointing that out to her. She's just hurting them.

Not just his ex, mother of his children so it's nice to be generous in this case I think.

It wouldn't be him doing the favour, it would be OP and she is not the mother of her children. That's the point.

This situation is why week on/week off is a better arrangement.
Split weeks are a PITA

YANBU for saying no. And if DSC mum threatens to withhold contact then it sounds like this needs to go to court to formalise child care arrangements. I doubt she a) would in reality as I bet she lives for the 3 days off; b) if she tried it your DH would have a very strong case as he is virtually a 50:50 parent. In any case you had two very small people to look after and that’s enough when your DH is away. He needs to have your back and formalise childcare arrangements with his ex via courts if needed too prevent this kind of manipulation happening again.

Any update op?