Page 11 | To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

Thulio · 2023-05-22T19:25:21+00:00

This is my husband's ex. Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum. She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no. We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself. Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

SapphOhNo · 23/05/2023 08:34

court ** ffs

ohtowinthelottery · 23/05/2023 08:36

What would she have done if she'd still been with your DH and this situation had arisen? (ie. They both wanted to be away at the same time?)
Many parents don't have the option of sending the DCs to the other parent/step parent elsewhere. They have to sort it out between them or one of them misses out.

Nofireworksneeded · 23/05/2023 08:38

SapphOhNo · 23/05/2023 08:33

This isn't your battle OP. Your husband should say clearly to the ex that her holiday can't be accommodated by you. If she refuses your DH seeing his kids - you go to caught. Stop taking on the emotional and physical labour of your husband.

I don't think the ex would do that, as it would mean the she loses 3 days a week free childcare while it's being resolved.

Or am I being too cynical?

Original poster

Thulio · 23/05/2023 08:41

Nofireworksneeded · 23/05/2023 08:38

I don't think the ex would do that, as it would mean the she loses 3 days a week free childcare while it's being resolved.

Or am I being too cynical?

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She's done it before when he hasn't accommodated her, that's why he wants me to do this now. She can be spiteful.

OP posts:

IncomingTraffic · 23/05/2023 08:45

The comparison isn’t what would have happened if the ex and H were still together…

The relevant comparison is what would she have done if he hadn’t remarried/repartnered. There’s be no woman to treat as the ‘help’ and to get angry at if she didn’t do as she was told.

Her ex would have said no he’s away for work and she’d have to have accepted that.

But there’s a convenient woman to pass the childcare on to, so everyone has decided that’s somehow her job. She signed up for indentured labour by marrying him.

Naunet · 23/05/2023 08:46

Thulio · 23/05/2023 08:41

She's done it before when he hasn't accommodated her, that's why he wants me to do this now. She can be spiteful.

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Have either of them even bothered to ask anyone else?

IncomingTraffic · 23/05/2023 08:49

Thulio · 23/05/2023 08:41

She's done it before when he hasn't accommodated her, that's why he wants me to do this now. She can be spiteful.

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all the ‘won’t you do it for the children?’ posters might want to ask themselves about the harm that a mother who uses them as weapons against their father does.

That is the sort of shit that causes lifelong issues for children - even if the parents deflect the blame on to a wicked stepmother.

And no amount of acting like a domestic slave on the SM’s part will change that.

marshmallowmatcha · 23/05/2023 08:53

Thulio · 23/05/2023 08:41

She's done it before when he hasn't accommodated her, that's why he wants me to do this now. She can be spiteful.

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That is between the two of them then. If she wants to cause untold damage to her children then that's up to her I guess... what a shit mother

Ourladycheesusedatum · 23/05/2023 08:57

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/05/2023 07:13

Honestly I am so pleasantly surprised by most of these comments. I feel like, on the topic of step parenting at least, the tide is turning. A year ago the op would have been ripped apart if she had asked the same question on here. I think its because people are waking up to the fact that it's is yet another shit expectation placed on women. Look after these children, financially provide for these children, put these children in front of yourself and your own kids BUT don't you dare think you have a say on how they are raised in any way!
I see it in real life too, young women getting with men with children and laying down boundaries instead of being desperate to prove how amazing they are by taking on the lions share of his house and kids and having their lives dictated to by the ex wife/partner.
You still have the posters playing step mum bingo but they stand out as daft these days. It is great.

Agree. Its refreshing to see.

Justalittlebitduckling · 23/05/2023 08:57

You’ve said no. She needs to pick a different week or your DH needs to rearrange his work trip. This is between them to sort out.

Your DH needs to take responsibility for his DC, respect your boundaries and not expect you to step up like this when you’ve said no.

Justalittlebitduckling · 23/05/2023 09:01

Thulio · 22/05/2023 22:56

But at the same time to the kids either you are like another parent or some adult who lives in their dad's house

I don't think of myself like another parent, I don't think anyone does, well until it suits clearly!

I'd expect if there was a horrific accident where their mum and your husband died you would raise them as they live with you half the time

And wow this is not a situation I've even considered to be honest, I think her mum would have something to say about it though.

Then why can’t her mum help out on this occasion?

Wombastic · 23/05/2023 09:01

Tough one op where do you draw the line? I’ve not had any more than two nights alone about five times in 20 years because of this scenario and at times it feels like I am in prison. Meanwhile ex gas been overseas 10-15 times. We are friends now and I try not to blame him bc I want to keep the good co parenting relationship we have worked hard to create. But yeah feels like prison.

IncomingTraffic · 23/05/2023 09:03

Wombastic · 23/05/2023 09:01

Tough one op where do you draw the line? I’ve not had any more than two nights alone about five times in 20 years because of this scenario and at times it feels like I am in prison. Meanwhile ex gas been overseas 10-15 times. We are friends now and I try not to blame him bc I want to keep the good co parenting relationship we have worked hard to create. But yeah feels like prison.

How is that relevant here?

It wouldn’t be your ex’s girlfriend’s job to ensure you get a holiday without the kids, would it?

Original poster

Thulio · 23/05/2023 09:05

Wombastic · 23/05/2023 09:01

Tough one op where do you draw the line? I’ve not had any more than two nights alone about five times in 20 years because of this scenario and at times it feels like I am in prison. Meanwhile ex gas been overseas 10-15 times. We are friends now and I try not to blame him bc I want to keep the good co parenting relationship we have worked hard to create. But yeah feels like prison.

I appreciate this but, whilst it is of course still more than us, it is only 1 night a week more. We also can't just swan off on multiple holidays because we still need to have DSC 3x a week. Does that make it a prison for us then as well?

OP posts:

StampOnTheGround · 23/05/2023 09:07

She has a 3 night break from her kids every single week, she hardly really needs and deserves the 7 nights away.

If DH was around then it would be fine, but there is absolutely no way OP should solely parent 4 kids so DH and ex can both go on their holidays.

The dates don't work, it's a hard no from me.

Spacestace · 23/05/2023 09:09

Wombastic · 23/05/2023 09:01

Tough one op where do you draw the line? I’ve not had any more than two nights alone about five times in 20 years because of this scenario and at times it feels like I am in prison. Meanwhile ex gas been overseas 10-15 times. We are friends now and I try not to blame him bc I want to keep the good co parenting relationship we have worked hard to create. But yeah feels like prison.

Meanwhile the father in this case (and OP) have the children near on half of the time.

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2023 09:10

YANBU, of course.

Eleganz · 23/05/2023 09:12

Should have been sorted out between them months ago. Don't allow yourself to be scapegoated and bullied into being childcare. Their failure to coparent and communicate effectively is the problem here.

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 09:20

Don't choose a partner to breed with further if his current offspring is already "too much”

Maybe when had her babies she didn’t think she would be asked to look after the children for the ex for a whole week while she goes on holiday. Yes a week with them on her own is too much. She didn’t sign up for that at all.

She’s a mum of 2 not 4. A week on her own with 4 is going to be very different and difficult. I’m a mum of 4 but they’re all my children so that’s what I signed up for and I love it despite it being challenging.

If I was a mum of 2 there’s absolutely no way I would look after 2 extra children that aren’t my own. And if my children ever have a stepmum, I wouldn’t even think to lumber my children with her while I go on a jolly. Whether she “chooses to breed” with ex or not. You see I’m not a selfish bitch like that.

Wombastic · 23/05/2023 09:30

Spacestace · 23/05/2023 09:09

Meanwhile the father in this case (and OP) have the children near on half of the time.

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Yes you are right just having a little vent on here. Sorry OP

billy1966 · 23/05/2023 09:30

So in effect this woman controls him and you🙄via his children.

Why would any woman go near a man when his ex is the boss of him and you by extension if you get involved.

I'd call his and her bluff.

What an awful situation you have got yourself stuck in.

Funny how these men always find a mug to have more children with.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/05/2023 09:42

The patriarchy has really done a number on some of you! Sooooo much internalised misogyny

Equalitea · 23/05/2023 09:52

So his ex has stopped contact when he didn’t do what she said before?

You can’t go away because you have them 3 nights a week and she won’t change that….

You have seriously got to be joking. He and she both are taking the royal P out of you. If you do this now, the next time will be a fortnight.

You absolutely must stand your ground. If you don’t then you’re a lost cause and will need to just put up and shut up because it will only get worse.

From your responses I don’t get the impression that you’re going to stand firm but if she does stop contact then in the interim go on a little holiday yourselves!

whumpthereitis · 23/05/2023 09:58

QueenCamilla · 23/05/2023 07:51

It's shit parenting by all of you. Such petty, bitter bunch.

Don't choose a partner to breed with further if his current offspring is already "too much".
I actually agree that it's too much. But can't stick them back in, can you?

It’s shit parenting by the actual parents, of which OP isn’t one. The mother asked and was told no. It’s now on her to either sort out alternative childcare or cancel her trip.

user1492757084 · 23/05/2023 10:02

I would look after them, however, I would like to be paid back in kind. I would make sure the older children stayed with their mother for one week that really suited you at another time within the next three months.
I would be irritated that DH would not change his time of working away.
I would not be upset that the ex asked.
I respect your rights to say NO, given that it is you who is holding the fort.