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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

400 replies

Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:25

This is my husband's ex.

Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum.

She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself.

Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 10:05

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/05/2023 09:42

The patriarchy has really done a number on some of you! Sooooo much internalised misogyny

I understand the selfish bitch comment is probably a bit strong. But that’s exactly what she’s being and calling a woman out for behaving like that isn’t internalised misogyny. I call men all the time on here for being selfish dickheads. So believe you me, I have nothing against women. I have something against both of the parents in these situations.

If anything, telling a woman she shouldn’t have breeded is a lot more anti woman than calling a woman a selfish bitch if that’s what she’s being. I’d be a lot more offended at being told my children shouldn’t exist and why did I choose to procreate than be told I’m a selfish bitch.

SeasonFinale · 23/05/2023 10:06

Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:49

She wouldn't be doing me a favour surely? Not like she'd be watching my children. He has changed days previously whenever asked, just can't this time.

He hates arguing with her which is probably why he's putting it on me.

Yes they'd be in school but it's everything else like drop offs, pick up, lunches, dinner, squabbles etc..

Show quote history

I don't mean she would have your kids but there may possibly be a time when you want time away with just DH, your kids and not the step kids for whatever reason. It is that sort of thing I am thinking about. Maybe even a funeral but because you have the step kids you can't all go etc. So to say no may mean the same favour (for want of a better expression) may not be reciprocated then because she will remember the time when you didn't do her the favour. However I do get if you can't cope that's different. But do bw aware it may taint the relationship and ease of joint care going forward.

SeasonFinale · 23/05/2023 10:10

Thulio · 23/05/2023 09:05

I appreciate this but, whilst it is of course still more than us, it is only 1 night a week more. We also can't just swan off on multiple holidays because we still need to have DSC 3x a week. Does that make it a prison for us then as well?

Show quote history

But this is where it can be evened up. I can have them these dates but we need you to take them these dates thus giving yourself a week when you can go away with your own 2.

Theroad · 23/05/2023 10:12

Tough one. I can see why you wouldn't want to but on the other hand these situations are surely the price you pay for getting involved with a man who has DC? 8 and 12 are easy ages. And you could then get a week back in kind - I imagine you'd like/prefer a week with just your own DC and husband? Always feel sorry for the DC in these situations. Shunted from pillar to post unwanted half the time.

Your husband is wrong to guilt you into it if you've said no... but then these men usually are the 'type'.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/05/2023 10:14

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 10:05

I understand the selfish bitch comment is probably a bit strong. But that’s exactly what she’s being and calling a woman out for behaving like that isn’t internalised misogyny. I call men all the time on here for being selfish dickheads. So believe you me, I have nothing against women. I have something against both of the parents in these situations.

If anything, telling a woman she shouldn’t have breeded is a lot more anti woman than calling a woman a selfish bitch if that’s what she’s being. I’d be a lot more offended at being told my children shouldn’t exist and why did I choose to procreate than be told I’m a selfish bitch.

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@funinthesun19

why do you think she is being a selfish bitch?

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2023 10:15

but on the other hand these situations are surely the price you pay for getting involved with a man who has DC? 8 and 12 are easy ages.

No, it isn't. The situation you sign up for is your DH having to look after his kids. I did not sign up for any childcare without him.

And I don't find my DS who is in that age range easy at all, I find him incredibly draining.

Newgolddream70 · 23/05/2023 10:20

If I wanted to go away and my exH already had a trip booked, there is absolutely no way I would expect his partner to look after our DS. I just wouldn't go, it's one of those things.

You've been put into a really unfair position OP. They need to sort it out between themselves.

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 10:21

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/05/2023 10:14

@funinthesun19

why do you think she is being a selfish bitch?

Show quote history

The ex? Because she thinks it’s reasonable to put OP that position of looking after 4 children when she’s not comfortable with it. She’s not taking no for an answer because she wants to go on holiday. It is selfish behaviour and she’s being really unfair towards OP.
And her husband is no better. He’s not sticking up for the OP just to make his life easier with his ex. And so he can go on his jolly uninterrupted too. More utterly selfish behaviour. He can be called a selfish twat who needs to learn how to say no to his ex.

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 10:23

Not everything is about what the parents want want want.

Theroad · 23/05/2023 10:25

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2023 10:15

but on the other hand these situations are surely the price you pay for getting involved with a man who has DC? 8 and 12 are easy ages.

No, it isn't. The situation you sign up for is your DH having to look after his kids. I did not sign up for any childcare without him.

And I don't find my DS who is in that age range easy at all, I find him incredibly draining.

Fair enough. It's just I've seen similar issues played out countless times on here and IRL, seems par for the course where men have children with two different women. These men are rarely worth the hassle IMO but hey-ho accidents happen!

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2023 10:28

Fair enough. It's just I've seen similar issues played out countless times on here and IRL, seems par for the course where men have children with two different women. These men are rarely worth the hassle IMO but hey-ho accidents happen!

That doesn't mean we should just let them get away with crap behaviour because they are likely to try. I am willing to be with my DP under the condition that he does not behave like that and his expectations are reasonable.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 23/05/2023 10:35

Tough one. I can see why you wouldn't want to but on the other hand these situations are surely the price you pay for getting involved with a man who has DC? 8 and 12 are easy ages

There’s no ‘price to pay’ for marrying a man who has children that involves SM having to be fully responsible for them for a week while their mother goes on holiday and their DF works away; they are his and their mother’s responsibility. And how on earth do you know if they are easy or not? Children are not all the same. My SDC have not been easy at any age.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/05/2023 10:42

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 10:21

The ex? Because she thinks it’s reasonable to put OP that position of looking after 4 children when she’s not comfortable with it. She’s not taking no for an answer because she wants to go on holiday. It is selfish behaviour and she’s being really unfair towards OP.
And her husband is no better. He’s not sticking up for the OP just to make his life easier with his ex. And so he can go on his jolly uninterrupted too. More utterly selfish behaviour. He can be called a selfish twat who needs to learn how to say no to his ex.

Show quote history

@funinthesun19

sorry, I thought you were saying the op was being a selfish bitch!

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 10:53

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/05/2023 10:42

@funinthesun19

sorry, I thought you were saying the op was being a selfish bitch!

Show quote history

Nooo! I can see why you thought that as I wasn’t clear in my post. I meant the ex.

OP is looking out for herself and sticking up for herself, and that’s called self love and self care. Self preservation. Self respect. So a good selfish 😄.

Naunet · 23/05/2023 12:27

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 10:05

I understand the selfish bitch comment is probably a bit strong. But that’s exactly what she’s being and calling a woman out for behaving like that isn’t internalised misogyny. I call men all the time on here for being selfish dickheads. So believe you me, I have nothing against women. I have something against both of the parents in these situations.

If anything, telling a woman she shouldn’t have breeded is a lot more anti woman than calling a woman a selfish bitch if that’s what she’s being. I’d be a lot more offended at being told my children shouldn’t exist and why did I choose to procreate than be told I’m a selfish bitch.

Show quote history

How many step dads do you think are expected to look after their step kids alone for a week because their dad wants to go on holiday?

FinallyHere · 23/05/2023 12:40

However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

Good

p.s. why is your husband expecting you to babysit his DC while he goes away? I'd ask him to explain this.

Everything he says, I'd repeat back to him so he can hear what he is saying.

Good luck. Stick to your guns.

He hates arguing with her which is probably why he's putting it on me.

An argument in favour of sticking to your guns on this one. He needs to see that it is not fair to lean on you to propitiate his ex.

UlrikakakaJ · 23/05/2023 12:50

YABU. It’s not that big a deal to look after an eight year old and a 12 year old for four days when they’re at school as a one off. It would be kind to the kids to make them feel welcome and kind to your husband not to jeopardise his contact (though his ex is obv totally unreasonable to make that an issue). I get it’s a bit annoying but it’s the right thing to do. I would be pissed off if I was your husband.

NosyHamster · 23/05/2023 12:52

My DH was always terrified of rocking the boat with his ex, I often asked him what would happen if the flipping boat got rocked, he could never say for sure, but he was desperate to retain peace, even if it meant really p&ssing me off. It was a very unhealthy dynamic.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/05/2023 12:55

UlrikakakaJ · 23/05/2023 12:50

YABU. It’s not that big a deal to look after an eight year old and a 12 year old for four days when they’re at school as a one off. It would be kind to the kids to make them feel welcome and kind to your husband not to jeopardise his contact (though his ex is obv totally unreasonable to make that an issue). I get it’s a bit annoying but it’s the right thing to do. I would be pissed off if I was your husband.

@UlrikakakaJ

good job Op isn’t married to you isn’t it? 😊

whumpthereitis · 23/05/2023 13:10

UlrikakakaJ · 23/05/2023 12:50

YABU. It’s not that big a deal to look after an eight year old and a 12 year old for four days when they’re at school as a one off. It would be kind to the kids to make them feel welcome and kind to your husband not to jeopardise his contact (though his ex is obv totally unreasonable to make that an issue). I get it’s a bit annoying but it’s the right thing to do. I would be pissed off if I was your husband.

Who cares if he’s pissed off?

You know what would be kind? For him to not expect OP to provide childcare for him and an his ex.

and LOL at the last part. He doesn’t seem to mind that he’s pissed OP off, yet she’s supposed to tremble at the prospect of him being butthurt? Nah, let him sulk 🤷🏻‍♀️

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 13:16

Naunet · 23/05/2023 12:27

How many step dads do you think are expected to look after their step kids alone for a week because their dad wants to go on holiday?

Show quote history

Sorry, I think you’re also getting confused with my post as another pp did. My post was all aimed at the ex and not the OP. If you look through the thread at all of my messages, they are all on OP’s side.

Just to answer your question. I don’t think any stepdads would be expected to look after the children for the dad in any circumstances, let alone a holiday. And I think the mum would gladly tell her ex to F off if he asked the stepdad for a favour.

In short, it just wouldn’t happen. But mums have absolutely no problems with expecting the stepmum to help.

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 13:23

I would be pissed off if I was your husband.

Pissed off at what exactly? What’s he got to be pissed off at? He’s unaffected by all of this, apart from if his ex takes it out on him. But he can’t expect OP to protect him from that.

Naunet · 23/05/2023 13:26

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 13:16

Sorry, I think you’re also getting confused with my post as another pp did. My post was all aimed at the ex and not the OP. If you look through the thread at all of my messages, they are all on OP’s side.

Just to answer your question. I don’t think any stepdads would be expected to look after the children for the dad in any circumstances, let alone a holiday. And I think the mum would gladly tell her ex to F off if he asked the stepdad for a favour.

In short, it just wouldn’t happen. But mums have absolutely no problems with expecting the stepmum to help.

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Sorry, I did think you’d aimed it at OP, but I agree anyway, I bet the number of times step dads have been asked to do this by the kids father in the entire history of the uk, could be counted on 1 hand!

frazzledasarock · 23/05/2023 13:30

Wombastic · 23/05/2023 09:01

Tough one op where do you draw the line? I’ve not had any more than two nights alone about five times in 20 years because of this scenario and at times it feels like I am in prison. Meanwhile ex gas been overseas 10-15 times. We are friends now and I try not to blame him bc I want to keep the good co parenting relationship we have worked hard to create. But yeah feels like prison.

But that’s most parents surely?

Most parents who are together and have no childcare options/family to have dc for overnights, don’t get time away from dc do they? Unless they go away separately.

the mum here has an option of going away for fewer days, maybe she can persuade her family to have dc for a night and extend it a bit. But expecting OP her ex husbands partner to have her dc because she’s in a relationship with her ex is a massive ask.

I wouldn’t want to do it either.

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