Page 14 | To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

Thulio · 2023-05-22T19:25:21+00:00

This is my husband's ex. Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum. She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no. We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself. Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

JenniferBooth · 24/05/2023 20:54

@changeme4this so the next nearest vagina basically. Because i notice you didnt ask about the grandfather

changeme4this · 24/05/2023 20:58

JenniferBooth · 24/05/2023 20:54

@changeme4this so the next nearest vagina basically. Because i notice you didnt ask about the grandfather

There’s been no grandfather mentioned on the mother’s side. I presumed he might have passed.

But yes if he is around, why not?

whumpthereitis · 24/05/2023 21:00

Celp28 · 24/05/2023 20:35

I would do it. But that’s because I would want the step children to feel a part of the home and not to feel like they are an inconvenience. Yes it may be hard work for the 4 days DH is away, but it’s short term. I wouldn’t see it as doing ex a favour, I would see it as the step children are a part of your family too. You chose to marry and have children with a man who already has children from a previous relationship. Those children do not cease to exist because their parents separated and moved on. They should be able to feel comfortable and loved and not be treated differently to their step siblings. Sorry op, I rarely comment but these situations infuriate me. Having any child is hard work, it’s part of parenting, but they should be welcomed and loved and not treated differently from daddy’s other children who he lives with full time. Yours should be a home and a safe space for them with their step siblings regardless of whether their father is home or not. That’s what you signed up to when you chose to have a family with a partner with children already.

No, that’s not what she signed up for. Feel free to be infuriated about it though!

The actual parents are the ones responsible for their children, and that is something they did indeed sign up for by virtue of deciding to have them.

Celp28 · 24/05/2023 21:08

I really wouldn’t know the answer to that, I assume not if there is no legalities in place. My opinion is based purely on a family being united and children being treated the same. I have a blended family, and have always opened my home to my step children regardless of if their father is away or working. I have no love for their mother, she’s a PITA, but I don’t project that on to the children. I have sympathy for OP and I completely understand that it won’t be a relaxing 4 days if she is sole carer, I even understand being resentful to her DH and his ex. But I just really believe in uniting children and not letting them feel like an inconvenience.
I understand that an emergency situation could arise during the 4 days her DH is away, but I’m sure there can be an agreement in place and an emergency plan. Many parents go away and leave their children with grandparents/aunts/uncles/friends etc. all this talk of parental responsibility is nuts. If that’s the case that OP should not care for them for 4 days, why should the grandparents take the same risk? The issue OP has isn’t with what happens in an emergency. The issue she stated was not wanting to make packed lunches or do the school run.

Ourladycheesusedatum · 24/05/2023 21:34

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/05/2023 19:23

Is any one on here saying she do it?
hope not!

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Quite a few saying she should do it.
Various reasons Inc be kiiiiind and favour bank

funinthesun19 · 24/05/2023 21:37

The issue OP has isn’t with what happens in an emergency. The issue she stated was not wanting to make packed lunches or do the school run.

And I don’t blame her. Should she be excited about it?

Yousee · 24/05/2023 21:40

The issue is that the children's parents have both clocked off for their own reasons and are trying to impose their children on an unwilling person who has no spare capacity and apparently no respect from either of them. If only it was only about the bloody packed lunches 🙄

funinthesun19 · 24/05/2023 21:53

Ourladycheesusedatum · 24/05/2023 21:34

Quite a few saying she should do it.
Various reasons Inc be kiiiiind and favour bank

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Oh and the children need to bond (apparently half siblings aren’t close so stepmums like OP should embrace these opportunities to bring the children together)

And another reason is the ex deserves a break. I’m sure she does, but maybe OP is in need of a break herself and that week would be more than she can handle. What makes the ex’s need for a break more important than OP taking care of herself?

Gothambutnotahamster · 24/05/2023 21:56

Yousee · 24/05/2023 21:40

The issue is that the children's parents have both clocked off for their own reasons and are trying to impose their children on an unwilling person who has no spare capacity and apparently no respect from either of them. If only it was only about the bloody packed lunches 🙄

Totally!

Celp28 · 24/05/2023 21:56

Yousee · 24/05/2023 21:40

The issue is that the children's parents have both clocked off for their own reasons and are trying to impose their children on an unwilling person who has no spare capacity and apparently no respect from either of them. If only it was only about the bloody packed lunches 🙄

I totally understand that the parents should be better organised, but from the sounds of it it is a case of unfortunate timing that they both want to go away the same week. I do sympathise that it’ll be a crap few days for OP. Honestly, I would grumble about it too. But, when I married DH and had DC, I did so on the understanding that we were a team. I support his DC from a previous relationship, and he supports my DC from previous relationship. And being a team sometimes means taking on the full responsibility for a short time. My mother lives 250 miles away, I had to go there to help her and DH had all of the children, and equally his family live in another country and there have been times I’ve had to look after them all on my own. I don’t see it as a lack of respect, I just see it as families pitching in and making the best of sometimes crap situations. ultimately it is OPs choice if she has the step children or not, I was just giving a perspective to consider because that is what she asked. It is totally fine to have boundaries and to say no but I just don’t understand this mentality that DH and ex have no respect. If this is the first time in 12 years that their schedules have clashed, I’d say they are doing a pretty good job of co-parenting.

Yousee · 24/05/2023 22:06

Celp28 · 24/05/2023 21:56

I totally understand that the parents should be better organised, but from the sounds of it it is a case of unfortunate timing that they both want to go away the same week. I do sympathise that it’ll be a crap few days for OP. Honestly, I would grumble about it too. But, when I married DH and had DC, I did so on the understanding that we were a team. I support his DC from a previous relationship, and he supports my DC from previous relationship. And being a team sometimes means taking on the full responsibility for a short time. My mother lives 250 miles away, I had to go there to help her and DH had all of the children, and equally his family live in another country and there have been times I’ve had to look after them all on my own. I don’t see it as a lack of respect, I just see it as families pitching in and making the best of sometimes crap situations. ultimately it is OPs choice if she has the step children or not, I was just giving a perspective to consider because that is what she asked. It is totally fine to have boundaries and to say no but I just don’t understand this mentality that DH and ex have no respect. If this is the first time in 12 years that their schedules have clashed, I’d say they are doing a pretty good job of co-parenting.

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She has done this before 'if you can't have them when I say then you can't have them at all'. And I think this worries him so he likes to agree to whatever she asks for

A quote from OP. The mother jerks around with her kids and the father is giving OP shit for having a boundary and saying "no", making his life more uncomfortable. Because it's easier to piss off the wife than the ex.

If this isn't evidence of utter disrespect on both their parts, I don't know what is. Being in a team doesn't mean jumping to attention to your own detriment every single time a demand is made of you (not even a polite request FFS!) What a strange mindset.

It is unfortunate they there has been a clash of plans but it's unfortunate for the mother that she has no childcare and will have to cancel her plans.

funinthesun19 · 24/05/2023 22:11

Celp28 · 24/05/2023 21:56

I totally understand that the parents should be better organised, but from the sounds of it it is a case of unfortunate timing that they both want to go away the same week. I do sympathise that it’ll be a crap few days for OP. Honestly, I would grumble about it too. But, when I married DH and had DC, I did so on the understanding that we were a team. I support his DC from a previous relationship, and he supports my DC from previous relationship. And being a team sometimes means taking on the full responsibility for a short time. My mother lives 250 miles away, I had to go there to help her and DH had all of the children, and equally his family live in another country and there have been times I’ve had to look after them all on my own. I don’t see it as a lack of respect, I just see it as families pitching in and making the best of sometimes crap situations. ultimately it is OPs choice if she has the step children or not, I was just giving a perspective to consider because that is what she asked. It is totally fine to have boundaries and to say no but I just don’t understand this mentality that DH and ex have no respect. If this is the first time in 12 years that their schedules have clashed, I’d say they are doing a pretty good job of co-parenting.

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But what OP is being asked to do isn’t for her DH and it isn’t even for the harmony of their family and nothing to do with team work. It’s so his ex can go on a jolly. To OP, that reason is not worth the pressure she will be under. And I agree with her. She’s being asked to be a support network for the ex, not her husband, and that’s a boundary she doesn’t want to cross and again I don’t blame her.

Celp28 · 24/05/2023 22:11

Yousee · 24/05/2023 22:06

She has done this before 'if you can't have them when I say then you can't have them at all'. And I think this worries him so he likes to agree to whatever she asks for

A quote from OP. The mother jerks around with her kids and the father is giving OP shit for having a boundary and saying "no", making his life more uncomfortable. Because it's easier to piss off the wife than the ex.

If this isn't evidence of utter disrespect on both their parts, I don't know what is. Being in a team doesn't mean jumping to attention to your own detriment every single time a demand is made of you (not even a polite request FFS!) What a strange mindset.

It is unfortunate they there has been a clash of plans but it's unfortunate for the mother that she has no childcare and will have to cancel her plans.

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fair point, I missed the update of the ex playing that card. That’s grim.

I’m not suggesting jumping to anything, it was just a perspective to consider. Nothing is black and white, and as I’ve said in my post, boundaries are fine. What works for my family might not work for another.

funinthesun19 · 24/05/2023 22:14

And not even a support network for ex. Just a childcare provider for a non essential reason.

Macinae · 24/05/2023 22:14

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 22:02

I don’t normally stick up for the man in these situations, but why should he cancel his trip when it’s not his nights to have his children? He’s booked it already and I presume he’s looking forward to it. He shouldn’t have to cancel it so that the ex can go on holiday.

Why can’t the ex just wait her turn?

Imagine if she booked a trip and she was expected to cancel for him to go on holiday.

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@funinthesun19 I think it's because DH is pressing OP to do it. If he's that bothered then he can cancel his trip. If he was on OP's side and telling his ex that it's unreasonable and that she needs to cancel her trip, then people wouldn't necessarily jump to him cancelling his trip. He's basically saying OP should look after his kids but by the way I'm not willing to cancel my holiday for my own kids.

Yousee · 24/05/2023 22:16

Celp28 · 24/05/2023 22:11

fair point, I missed the update of the ex playing that card. That’s grim.

I’m not suggesting jumping to anything, it was just a perspective to consider. Nothing is black and white, and as I’ve said in my post, boundaries are fine. What works for my family might not work for another.

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Well I'm glad you now seem to be less infuriated by OPs boundary 🙂

ShandaLear · 24/05/2023 22:18

Fairydustandsparklylights · 22/05/2023 20:54

Surely if your husband were to ask her to take the dc for extra days for something related to your family and dc then it would be her doing a favour for you and your dh… aren’t you a package deal now? Anything to make your husbands life easier surely benefits you also.

I really don’t get selfish attitudes like yours. It’s 4 days… they’re your step dc, just put on your big girl pants and do what you need to do. You knew your dh had dc when you met him. I bet you’re the first to moan about the ex but are just difficult yourself.

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Wait, their mum wants to go on a jolly and their dad wants to go on a work trip, but the OP is the selfish one? Get a grip.

funinthesun19 · 24/05/2023 22:19

Macinae · 24/05/2023 22:14

@funinthesun19 I think it's because DH is pressing OP to do it. If he's that bothered then he can cancel his trip. If he was on OP's side and telling his ex that it's unreasonable and that she needs to cancel her trip, then people wouldn't necessarily jump to him cancelling his trip. He's basically saying OP should look after his kids but by the way I'm not willing to cancel my holiday for my own kids.

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He’s treating the OP appallingly.

Yes, if he’s that bothered then he can cancel his trip and make his ex happy himself and she go instead of him. All he’s bothered about is not upsetting his ex and he wants OP to do that for him while he remains unaffected and gets to go on his jolly too. Well he will just have to be a big boy and cope with his ex’s disappointment/anger/tantrums won’t he? If not, he will have to cancel.

pizzaHeart · 24/05/2023 22:21

Tbh there are a lot you are not able to do when you have children and going away for a week is one of this things. It’s not news.

IncomingTraffic · 24/05/2023 22:27

not letting them feel like an inconvenience.

well the fact that their parents are fighting over not having to look after them is going to be the reason they might feel like an inconvenience. Isn’t it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/05/2023 22:30

IncomingTraffic · 24/05/2023 22:27

not letting them feel like an inconvenience.

well the fact that their parents are fighting over not having to look after them is going to be the reason they might feel like an inconvenience. Isn’t it?

It very much is.

They knew what they were getting into when they had kids.

SemperIdem · 24/05/2023 22:33

IncomingTraffic · 24/05/2023 22:27

not letting them feel like an inconvenience.

well the fact that their parents are fighting over not having to look after them is going to be the reason they might feel like an inconvenience. Isn’t it?

Be for real - how are they going to know?

Do you think the op and their step dad are talking about this openly, to ensure they feel like shit?

Or was your comment made because you think you’re much better than the op because you haven’t had the misfortune of your relationship with the father of you child/ren falling apart?

funinthesun19 · 24/05/2023 22:36

Be for real - how are they going to know?

How are they going to know if the OP doesn’t want to look after them?

IncomingTraffic · 24/05/2023 22:37

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/05/2023 22:30

It very much is.

They knew what they were getting into when they had kids.

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Absolutely.

How many of us on MN miss out on things because we have children and need to look after them? Everyone that’s a mother would be my guess. In many cases pretty regularly.

The ex having to sort out some childcare, cut short or just forego a child free holiday abroad is a situation requiring a very small violin. I simply cannot muster up much sympathy there. Even less when that woman chooses not to organise childcare and instead tried to force it on the OP.

SemperIdem · 24/05/2023 22:39

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/05/2023 22:30

It very much is.

They knew what they were getting into when they had kids.

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Did they though?

Do people know that their relationships might fail, that their children might have additional needs, their spouse may cheat, their spouse may die, they may themselves become ill, their child may die of illness or accident, before they had kids?

No, no they don’t. People absolutely don’t know what they’re getting into.