To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

[Thulio]

This is my husband's ex.

Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum.

She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself.

Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

i don’t think i made my point clearly.

My point is that the children’s parents - the people who conceived them - don’t want to look after them.

A PP is insisting that the children will feel like an inconvenience if the OP doesn’t look after them. But somehow ignoring that the problem is that looking after them is too inconvenient to their parents.

I don’t think the OP has done anything wrong here.

They know that they will need to look after their children though. And that might mean they don’t get to go on all the holidays they’d like to.

That bit is obvious.

It's their problem, not yours. You're not their parent. Or their babysitter.

@IncomingTraffic

I completely get where you’re coming from now, I didn’t read your posts in the way you intended but we actually agree with each other.

I thought you were criticising the op on first reading

i don’t think I was clear at all tbh. No wonder you read something other than I intended to convey!

If she was in hospital or something, then yes you would go out of your way. So she can have a jolly and get pissed with her mates, no. The children come for contact with their dad, not for convenient childcare.

Im pretty sure they know one of them cant go on holiday if the other one is away with work

Absolute no from me. Start of a slippery slope too. She’ll have to use another relative, end of.

I most certainly do not think I am better than anyone. What a ridiculous comment. In fact, if you read my post you would see that my first relationship in which I had a child did fail. Also my husband’s first relationship where he had a child also failed. Both of these children live with us full time because their other parents never wanted shared custody. So actually I am fully aware of what it is to have a relationship with step children involved and I see it from both sides.
Yes I am fortunate to have a supportive husband now. That was not always the case. I understand from my DC and DSC point of view how difficult it can be to integrate into a new family dynamic. My husband and I also have DC together. All I was trying to say is sometimes it’s worth taking on the full responsibility for a few days. The step children will pick up the vibes that they are not wanted. Children are intuitive. What if OP wanted a night away and her DH refused because it meant he had to look after all of his children at once? Then posters would be saying it’s his fault for having 4 children and that he was selfish for saying no.

Can you offer a compromise - you take care of the kids for two days instead of four and she returns from her trip two days earlier?

Would you really trust her to come home 2 days earlier? Or would she get ‘delayed’?

It seems fine for the mother and father to both decline child care on this particular week, but if the OP also declines she’s the villain of the piece?

Then posters would be saying it’s his fault for having 4 children and that he was selfish for saying no
He has 4 children. OP has 2 children. He could have had 20 children with 5 different women who all decided to go on holiday at the same time and it still wouldn't change the fact that she's only got 2.

@Celp28 The husband the actual biological father with full legal responsibility of all the children refusing to care for his own children is a completely different scenario than a step parent, not legally responsible for the children, not wanting the responsibility and drudge of caring for them is not the same.

your case is also different in that all children reside in your home, that’s not the case here. OP and her husband may have made different life choices had they had residency of the H’s older children.

But, when I married DH and had DC, I did so on the understanding that we were a team. I support his DC from a previous relationship, and he supports my DC from previous relationship.

When you don't have children from a former relationship and your partner does, it is not reciprocal in this manner, it's just all take and no give. If I had kids from a previous relationship that DP regularly had to look after then I'd probably suck up doing the same with his kid, as I'd recognise that it all balances out at the end, but I don't. It's a different dynamic.

I'm not willing to let doing such favours become a feature of my life when it drains me emotionally and I get nothing in return.

The step children will pick up the vibes that they are not wanted. Children are intuitive.

If their parents weren’t trying to take the piss, there’d be no problem. Expecting the OP to act like a doormat just in case the children pick up on that just makes her more responsible for the children’s feelings than their own parents.

What if OP wanted a night away and her DH refused because it meant he had to look after all of his children at once? Then posters would be saying it’s his fault for having 4 children and that he was selfish for saying no.

You really can’t see the enormous difference here? Seriously.

They’re his 4 children and he should be ensuring that his wife gets done leisure time.

Insisting that his wife looks after his older children because his ex wants to go on holiday while he’s away with work is not comparable.

No matter how many times you insist the OP must act like a ‘team’, the fact is that the SC’s parents are not treating her as part of a team. They’re annoyed that she’s not providing the ex with nanny services - and the ex is trying to manipulate his fear and guilt to force his wife to do what she wants.

If the children are intuitive, then their parents’ attitudes there are what will make them feel unwanted. Not a woman who has simply set clear boundaries around her role.

The step children will pick up the vibes that they are not wanted. Children are intuitive

How will the children know though? I never get this. If the mum’s holiday doesn’t go ahead and the poor loves have to stay with their own mum, 1) How does that make them hard done by? And 2) How tf will their intuition tell them their stepmum didn’t want to look after them? Are they psychic?

The only sure fire way of them knowing is if somebody (a bitter parent) blatantly tells them. In which case the children have bigger problems on their hands having such a malicious parent in their lives.

What if OP wanted a night away and her DH refused because it meant he had to look after all of his children at once? Then posters would be saying it’s his fault for having 4 children and that he was selfish for saying no.

Massive difference there and you know it. Not only are they all his children, but in that scenario you’re describing he isn’t being forced in to doing a favour for an ex. He’d be doing it in support of his partner to just like OP was meant to be doing with JUST their shared children while he goes away.

She’s a mum of 2. He’s a dad of 4. Repeat that in your head.

Totally agree. I often feel this is just a meaningless trump card people throw out on here to shut you down and guilt you into doing things you shouldn't have to. "Oh if the kids will know, in that case I'd better do it". Most of the time, there's no reason for the kids to know. My DSC is not the intuitive sleuth people assume he must be, and he does not need to be told.

Exactly. It’s just another manipulative statement to try and get the stepmum to do as she’s told for the benefit of the parents. It’s so stupidly emotive “will know they’re unwanted”.
No they won’t. I don’t see how a child will know that a stepmum didn’t agree to look after them unless they’re told. It’s just another spit your dummy out comment used by parents/the first wives club when they don’t get their own way.

If the children feel like their not wanted then their mother better not going on a holiday with her mates.
Imagine what they would say about a NR dad on here wanting to change contact time to go out with his mates.

I think this is really sad. 8 and 12 are not difficult ages - they could help out with your younger ones. It says a lot about how you feel towards your step children and that’s a real shame.

Why do people say this as if it's true of all kids? My DSS is 9 and is really hard work.

I was thinking this too @aSofaNearYou !

And as if that is what SC are for

I can imagine the AIBU from their mum - "my kids go to their dads and his wife just expects them to help her with her kids"

You see this is another comment that I don’t get too. “Says a lot about how you feel towards your stepchildren.”

No it does not. It says a lot about how doing this favour would be too much for her and that she’s not a miracle worker. It’s nothing against the children personally at all.

No it does not. It says a lot about how doing this favour would be too much for her and that she’s not a miracle worker. It’s nothing against the children personally at all.

If you took the SP out of the equation and were just considering relatives to ask for childcare, I'd be unlikely to call upon the person that had two kids of their own. And I'd understand if they said no on that basis, as they obviously have their hands full, and wouldn't think it "says a lot about how they feel about the kids".