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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

400 replies

Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:25

This is my husband's ex.

Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum.

She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself.

Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

OP posts:
SkandiSkando · 22/05/2023 20:26

YANBU but your problem isn’t her asking, it’s him disagreeing with you.

Ponoka7 · 22/05/2023 20:27

What are the ages of your biological and step children? Is her holiday day fixed for a reason?

Takenoprisoner · 22/05/2023 20:28

Why on earth does your dh think you're being unreasonable? I'd seriously get annoyed with him for that, the entitlement of both of them is staggering.

Original poster
Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:28

Ponoka7 · 22/05/2023 20:27

What are the ages of your biological and step children? Is her holiday day fixed for a reason?

Bio DC are 1 & 3 and SC are 8 & 12.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:28

And yes it's fixed because it's a friend's birthday or something

OP posts:
Original poster
Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:29

I've said why doesn't she just go for the 3 days when DH is here and come back early but she wants to stay the whole week. Usually wouldn't be a problem but just not this particular week.

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 22/05/2023 20:31

Can you husband rearrange his trip away?

Original poster
Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:31

OrigamiOwls · 22/05/2023 20:31

Can you husband rearrange his trip away?

No he can't

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 22/05/2023 20:31

Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:31

No he can't

Show quote history

Then she doesn't go.

Firefly86 · 22/05/2023 20:32

Is your husband home for the 3 nights you usually have them? Or are you expected to do that on your own too?
Yanbu

Dacadactyl · 22/05/2023 20:33

YANBU. If your fella wants to be so generous to his ex, he should cancel his trip.

Turnthelightoff · 22/05/2023 20:33

The children will be at school surely, do they attend any wrap around care? Just thinking how many hours will it actually be? It’s a difficult one because you don’t owe her any favours but it would be nice for the children to feel that you were excited to have them to stay rather than finding it a worry.

SeasonFinale · 22/05/2023 20:36

I would do it because you never knkw in split residence cases like this when you may need the favour returning ie. to ask her to have her kids when officially it's not her days.

olympicsrock · 22/05/2023 20:39

Fine for her to ask their father to have them. Unfortunately he can’t. End of story. Perhaps a friend or grandparent could.

SkandiSkando · 22/05/2023 20:42

SeasonFinale · 22/05/2023 20:36

I would do it because you never knkw in split residence cases like this when you may need the favour returning ie. to ask her to have her kids when officially it's not her days.

I’d do it too, but OP says it’d be too much for her and the parents need to respect that.

We don’t know if any of the children have special needs or are very badly behaved, if OP has disabilities or depression or PND, etc. If she says it’s too much, it’s too much.

napody · 22/05/2023 20:44

SkandiSkando · 22/05/2023 20:26

YANBU but your problem isn’t her asking, it’s him disagreeing with you.

First reply had it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2023 20:46

Why is he pissed off? Is he one of those men who thinks you exist to make his and his ex’s life easier? How often has he had all 4 for a week on his own? I’m sure we can hazard a guess…

Treesoutsidemywindow · 22/05/2023 20:47

I wouldn't want to do it in your shoes OP, and would have responded exactly as you have. If your DH can't change his arrangements, then his Ex will have to change hers, simple! However, I would be having some very strong words with DH for not supporting you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2023 20:48

SeasonFinale · 22/05/2023 20:36

I would do it because you never knkw in split residence cases like this when you may need the favour returning ie. to ask her to have her kids when officially it's not her days.

That would be a favour from the ex to him, not your ex to OP, so it’s not a fair comparison.

Original poster
Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:49

SeasonFinale · 22/05/2023 20:36

I would do it because you never knkw in split residence cases like this when you may need the favour returning ie. to ask her to have her kids when officially it's not her days.

She wouldn't be doing me a favour surely? Not like she'd be watching my children. He has changed days previously whenever asked, just can't this time.

He hates arguing with her which is probably why he's putting it on me.

Yes they'd be in school but it's everything else like drop offs, pick up, lunches, dinner, squabbles etc..

OP posts:
AnAngelAtMyTableWithMe · 22/05/2023 20:49

I would do it myself but if you don't want to that is your choice and it should be respected

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2023 20:51

It does rather sound like they both think their fun is more important than your labour.

Fine for her to think that. Not so much him.

I would do it because DH wouldn't ask unless he really really needed to go away and I would also get it repaid in spades because he supports me in many ways. Is that what it is like for your or not? I suspect not.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 20:52

Your DH is a dick

Takenoprisoner · 22/05/2023 20:54

It's almost like they haven't realised that when you have young dc you will miss out on things like week long jollies for friend's birthdays

Izzy24 · 22/05/2023 20:54

So…..
their father won’t change his arrangements (not work related)

their mother won’t change her arrangements (not work related)

but you’re the one being unreasonable?

Right.

Wrong.