To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

[Thulio]

This is my husband's ex.

Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum.

She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself.

Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

I have RTFT but couldn't see WHY DH can't cancel his trip, especially if it isn't work related?

They are taking the piss. But at the same time to the kids either you are like another parent or some adult who lives in their dad's house. I think it's best to be family, they are related to your children. But it's hard.
I'd expect if there was a horrific accident where their mum and your husband died you would raise them as they live with you half the time. If you wouldn't do that then I'd not be in that relationship, not fair on the kids. Think about your own kids. I'm not saying another mum but yes a parental figure with authority and responsibility.

No, YANBU at all and he should be sticking up for you. Don't back down.

Your DH also going away exactly the same time? And he is annoyed you can’t look after the kids?

Are you sure they aren’t going away on a fcuk fest?

If your husband wants to facilitate his ex's trip by covering a change in childcare, he needs to cancel his own trip.

I don’t normally stick up for the man in these situations, but why should he cancel his trip when it’s not his nights to have his children? He’s booked it already and I presume he’s looking forward to it. He shouldn’t have to cancel it so that the ex can go on holiday.

Why can’t the ex just wait her turn?

Imagine if she booked a trip and she was expected to cancel for him to go on holiday.

Cheeky fuckers the pair of them.

If it were you going on the work trip, would your DH be happy to look after four DC singlehanded?

It’s fine for her to ask… it’s also perfectly fine for you to say no.

If your DH wants to accommodate her plans that’s fine on a weekend he’s around.

If he’s not around surely the answer is ‘I can’t do that weekend because I’ve already got something booked.’

Not really sure how you are the bad guy here. If it was something like ‘Thursday night, we both have to work away’ then maybe.

Don't feel bad about saying no. 4 kids with that age range for a weekend is hard work on your own.

Would be a no from me. Parents will have to sort it between themselves.

Another one trying to get stepmum bingo.

This time with ‘think of your own children’ as the emotional manipulation technique of choice to somehow make the OP responsible for her husband and his ex both wanting child free time away at the same time. 🙄

"He hates arguing with her"

I'd be making damned sure to make arguing with me so unpleasant, that he'd hate arguing with me more.

I would do it, I have done it and I’ve had times where it’s been a favour returned.

there’s bound to be a time down the line when you would need a favour and shell remember this.

Um no YANBU but also, is there a possibility they have reconnected and are going away to the same place?
I just find it odd that he thinks you are being unreasonable, these are not your children and going from 2 to 4 for that long is a ridiculous ask for a holiday.

Either way i wouldn't be considering it at all, not my problem.

When is the stepmum ever going to do OP a favour?!

4 children is a lot to manage for a week in which you'd have no back-up for 4 out of 7 nights. YANBU to say you aren't able to do that. Putting children first requires us to know our limits - that's not an unreasonable limit if you know you'd struggle to manage all 4 (I know I'd struggle with that!).

If your DH wants the older children to come for the full week, then he needs to make whatever changes are necessary at work in order to make that possible. If he can't, then it can't happen. That may be disappointing for his ex, but being a parent means sometimes not being able to do things we want to do, because children come first.

I don't know your circumstances, but it does sound a bit suspicious that they're trying to both get away on holiday at the same time, and leaving you with the kids, and your DH is supporting his ex's requests rather than supporting you, his wife, when you could do with some back-up.

I mean possibly. But 1. They aren't dead just going on holiday and 2. I'm not 100% sure I would take on my two DSC in those circumstances. I struggle enough with my own.

You are within your rights to say no. They shouldn’t be putting pressure on you.
Is there no grandparents or aunties/uncles who can have them?

DH is a dick

Why are people suggesting op make it a favour in return thing, why would op want her small children with her husbands ex?

There needs to be boundaries, too many people with "blended" families are enmeshed in each others crap, it isn't healthy imo.

It is strange that your husband is leaning on you so hard to avoid arguing with her. Is there a history of her withholding contact if she doesn’t get her own way?

He's the bad guy for trying to dump it on OP

I would find it a big ask from him that you have to look after the two little ones on your own. Will you also get to go on a solo trip? No way I could look after all four children by myself especially the little ones are very young still.

Personally, I’d have them because there will come a point when you need to negotiate days/arrangements with her to suit you and it would be good to have a “favour in the bank”.