Page 5 | To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

Thulio · 2023-05-22T19:25:21+00:00

This is my husband's ex. Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum. She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no. We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself. Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 22:19

Soakitup37 · 22/05/2023 22:13

I would do it, I have done it and I’ve had times where it’s been a favour returned.

there’s bound to be a time down the line when you would need a favour and shell remember this.

How would the ex having her own children be doing OP a favour? The only way it would be a favour is if the ex has OP’s children.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 22:19

TeenLifeMum · 22/05/2023 21:22

@marshmallowmatcha it’s hard to tell if dm is unreasonable without more info but her anger is misplaced if aimed at stepmum. I’ve heard stories like this in rl and rarely is the father being reasonable and new dc tend to take priority. This is not for step mum to lead on though.

Nope she's annoyed at OP not doing it OP has said so. She's a CF and so is Her ex

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 22:20

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 22:19

How would the ex having her own children be doing OP a favour? The only way it would be a favour is if the ex has OP’s children.

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Yes! And I imagine the last person OP wants near her own children is the ex

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 22:21

The sheer audacity and entitlement of the pair of them. It's vile

Sennelier1 · 22/05/2023 22:23

I know, from 2 to 4 children .....but most of the time they would be at school? If you prep in advance and let them help you with some practical stuff, like making it like a camping experience, you could pull this off! Maybe your own two would love to see their older half-siblings at work in their sports (or other after-school activities)! After all, they're your own children's half siblings, this might be a splendid occasion to create a bond!

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 22:24

Sennelier1 · 22/05/2023 22:23

I know, from 2 to 4 children .....but most of the time they would be at school? If you prep in advance and let them help you with some practical stuff, like making it like a camping experience, you could pull this off! Maybe your own two would love to see their older half-siblings at work in their sports (or other after-school activities)! After all, they're your own children's half siblings, this might be a splendid occasion to create a bond!

Nah they can bond when their dad's there.

JudgeJ · 22/05/2023 22:27

TeenLifeMum · 22/05/2023 21:05

Your dh is being unreasonable. The dc mum is totally fine to ask their dad to help out so she can go away.

But she is totally not fine in not accepting that he can't help.

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 22:29

Sennelier1 · 22/05/2023 22:23

I know, from 2 to 4 children .....but most of the time they would be at school? If you prep in advance and let them help you with some practical stuff, like making it like a camping experience, you could pull this off! Maybe your own two would love to see their older half-siblings at work in their sports (or other after-school activities)! After all, they're your own children's half siblings, this might be a splendid occasion to create a bond!

Why should OP go to all that effort and trouble though? Not saying the DSC are any trouble, but she might not want to take them to their hobbies and make camping experiences when she’s got other stuff to be getting on with.

SemperIdem · 22/05/2023 22:29

Sennelier1 · 22/05/2023 22:23

I know, from 2 to 4 children .....but most of the time they would be at school? If you prep in advance and let them help you with some practical stuff, like making it like a camping experience, you could pull this off! Maybe your own two would love to see their older half-siblings at work in their sports (or other after-school activities)! After all, they're your own children's half siblings, this might be a splendid occasion to create a bond!

There is no suggestion the op doesn’t have a bond with her SC. There’s no suggestion that the SC don’t have a bond with their younger half siblings. What a strange thing to say.

All the op has said is that she will find it too full on to have all 4 children, completely solo for a solid week.

I don’t think she is unreasonable to feel that. I highly doubt their father is well versed in looking after all 4 of his children solo for extended periods of times.

tricky29 · 22/05/2023 22:29

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 22:18

He's the bad guy for trying to dump it on OP

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That wasn’t my intention.

As step-parent, I was trying to get across that OP shouldn’t feel guilt for saying no to accommodating either of the step-kids’ parents. It’s their issue to resolve and OP’s choice if/when they help out.

IncomingTraffic · 22/05/2023 22:30

All of you wondering what favour the OP could possibly need from her husband’s ex are making the mistake of viewing her as an actual person.

When it seems that we should be viewing her as an extension of her husband that has absorbed all the child-related responsibilities. So, of course, his ex making a change to contact for their shared children is really a favour for her.

Silly us, viewing her as a person with boundaries. And also viewing her husband as a full parent with responsibilities. That’s ridiculous. She married a man with children, so obviously she’s not responsible for being childcare for them whenever it suits either of their parents. 🙄

AnneElliott · 22/05/2023 22:33

I don't think you should feel obliged to do this. The DSC have 2 parents and if they were together then they both couldn't go off on holiday separately without getting grandparents or other family to help out.

TallerThanAverage · 22/05/2023 22:37

I’m usually in the treat them as your own camp but in this instance YANBU. It’s a big ask.

Batalax · 22/05/2023 22:38

Nope, any other week but not this week. Not unreasonable.

brunettemic · 22/05/2023 22:38

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I do think it’s worth considering, difficult as that might be. Completely understand where you’re coming from but be prepared for her to be super unhelpful as a result (assuming she isn’t now) if you and DH ever want her to do something different to the existing arrangements.

PS…DH is being super unhelpful though.

Olive19741205 · 22/05/2023 22:38

I really don’t get selfish attitudes like yours. It’s 4 days… they’re your step dc, just put on your big girl pants and do what you need to do. You knew your dh had dc when you met him. I bet you’re the first to moan about the ex but are just difficult yourself

WTF. No mention of the DSC actual parents parenting their own children. It's not hard to know that you'd have no problem dumping your kids with someone, no matter what eh? The irony of you calling OP selfish, wow.

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 22:39

SemperIdem · 22/05/2023 22:29

There is no suggestion the op doesn’t have a bond with her SC. There’s no suggestion that the SC don’t have a bond with their younger half siblings. What a strange thing to say.

All the op has said is that she will find it too full on to have all 4 children, completely solo for a solid week.

I don’t think she is unreasonable to feel that. I highly doubt their father is well versed in looking after all 4 of his children solo for extended periods of times.

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People seem to think half siblings barely know each other. It’s so weird.

And IF they do need to bond more, then their father has some work to do! Not the stepmum (running herself ragged) while everyone else is off on their jollies.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 22:40

brunettemic · 22/05/2023 22:38

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I do think it’s worth considering, difficult as that might be. Completely understand where you’re coming from but be prepared for her to be super unhelpful as a result (assuming she isn’t now) if you and DH ever want her to do something different to the existing arrangements.

PS…DH is being super unhelpful though.

So basically if OP doesn't give in the ex might be a right cow about it and not act like an actual adult?

Original poster

Thulio · 22/05/2023 22:41

Yes there is unfortunately. She has done this before 'if you can't have them when I say then you can't have them at all'. And I think this worries him so he likes to agree to whatever she asks for.

To answer some questions to be fair yes he has had all 4 of them whilst I've been away before on my friends hen do a few months ago but they are all his children so a bit different.

They aren't going away together. DH is going away with work and purposefully arranged it for the 4 days the DC are usually at their mum's. Hers is for a friend's 40th birthday. I don't know why it needs to be the full week, she could just go for 3 days whilst DH is here to have them like normal then come back.

OP posts:

Grumpy67i8 · 22/05/2023 22:42

YANBU at all.

Original poster

Thulio · 22/05/2023 22:44

Sorry I don't know where my quote went above but it was in response to someone asking if she has form for withholding contact

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 22/05/2023 22:45

I wouldn’t have! But this is very good news for you- you need to book a couple days with friends for very soon when the sdc are here. Your dh will be absolutely fine with all four on his own since he thinks you would be, and unlike you they are all his children! PLEASE do this :)

brunettemic · 22/05/2023 22:45

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 22:40

So basically if OP doesn't give in the ex might be a right cow about it and not act like an actual adult?

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Yep, because sadly that’s how idiotic people tend to be. As with many MNers you’re assuming I think that’s right and have got all uppity about it, which isn’t the case but there you go.

paulaparticles · 22/05/2023 22:46

Just have them. You're treating them not like family and thats prob what's bothering them most...gonna cause bigger problems with your husband...
Capable of helping but refusing to

Itsanotherhreatday · 22/05/2023 22:46

you don’t owe her any favours but it would be nice for the children to feel that you were excited to have them to stay rather than finding it a worry

Why? The pure suggestion that Mum and Dad will say it’s all OPs fault and she’s the meanie for not having them whilst their own parents disappear for a jolly?

Im sure they have grandparents, aunts uncles etc that would be available to have their own family?

I wouldn’t want additional children for a week on top of my own, it’s far too much.