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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

400 replies

Thulio · 22/05/2023 20:25

This is my husband's ex.

Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum.

She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself.

Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thulio · 22/05/2023 22:47

paulaparticles · 22/05/2023 22:46

Just have them. You're treating them not like family and thats prob what's bothering them most...gonna cause bigger problems with your husband...
Capable of helping but refusing to

This is my husband's argument apparently. It's showing I don't care about them because I'd do it for our children. I'm our children's mother though so I'd have no choice!

OP posts:
paulaparticles · 22/05/2023 22:47

She deserves a break too and imagine saying why doesn't she just go for a few days sure by the time she gets there it would be near time to come back
You sound jealous BTW

Original poster
Thulio · 22/05/2023 22:49

There isn't much family near by unfortunately. She doesn't have any siblings, DH has one who lives 3 hours away and my in laws are next to useless when it comes to any of the children. Her mum does help out with the children quite a bit but she mustn't be able to this time hence she wants me to. I'm assuming she's already asked her mum.

OP posts:
Olive19741205 · 22/05/2023 22:49

Merseymum992 · 22/05/2023 21:45

They're 8 and 12. Chances are they'd be in their rooms doing their own thing anyway.
Unfortunately when you got with him, you knew he had children. They come as a package deal whether you like it or not. I'd do it.
Like you said you don't NEED to do it. But as a decent person, you should

Sorry what? I knew my DH had children when I got with him but I didn't sign up to do his parenting for him and his ex. Can you explain what you mean please? There's not a chance in hell I'd take my DSC for four days while both of their actual parents were off on holidays, while I was also looking after a 1 and 3 year old. Do you actually have DSC?

StonwEd · 22/05/2023 22:49

Nahhhh this doesn’t go both ways ever though does it. Hard no from me, bio mum can’t go surely?

Original poster
Thulio · 22/05/2023 22:49

paulaparticles · 22/05/2023 22:47

She deserves a break too and imagine saying why doesn't she just go for a few days sure by the time she gets there it would be near time to come back
You sound jealous BTW

I'm not jealous at all I just don't think it's my responsibility to give her a break. She can go, just not for a full week.

OP posts:
StonwEd · 22/05/2023 22:49

Olive19741205 · 22/05/2023 22:49

Sorry what? I knew my DH had children when I got with him but I didn't sign up to do his parenting for him and his ex. Can you explain what you mean please? There's not a chance in hell I'd take my DSC for four days while both of their actual parents were off on holidays, while I was also looking after a 1 and 3 year old. Do you actually have DSC?

Show quote history

Much better than I put it!! This!

Thistlelass · 22/05/2023 22:50

Oh I think with a bit of organisation you would manage.

Itsanotherhreatday · 22/05/2023 22:50

Unfortunately when you got with him, you knew he had children. They come as a package deal whether you like it or not

Come as a package? How does this package work when the DH isn’t there?

Olive19741205 · 22/05/2023 22:53

Boomboom22 · 22/05/2023 21:52

They are taking the piss. But at the same time to the kids either you are like another parent or some adult who lives in their dad's house. I think it's best to be family, they are related to your children. But it's hard.
I'd expect if there was a horrific accident where their mum and your husband died you would raise them as they live with you half the time. If you wouldn't do that then I'd not be in that relationship, not fair on the kids. Think about your own kids. I'm not saying another mum but yes a parental figure with authority and responsibility.

This is utter nonsense. I have DSC and I don't or wouldn't want "authority and responsibility" for them. Why would I, they have 2 healthy parents. I get to enjoy their company and visits WITHOUT the parenting.

NosyHamster · 22/05/2023 22:54

So a classic case of man who
would rather upset his wife than his ex.

Yep! YANBU

Catchasingmewithspiders · 22/05/2023 22:55

Thistlelass · 22/05/2023 22:50

Oh I think with a bit of organisation you would manage.

Oh I think with a bit of organisation the children's two fully functioning parents could also manage to be around for their children when needed

If the DH and his ex were still together they wouldn't be able to go away at the same time either. The OP is not an extra household appliance they can order around at will to look after children. The OP is already facilitating her husbands trip. She is under no obligation to facilitate her husbands exs trip.

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 22:55

paulaparticles · 22/05/2023 22:47

She deserves a break too and imagine saying why doesn't she just go for a few days sure by the time she gets there it would be near time to come back
You sound jealous BTW

If she deserves a break then why can’t she use her own support network? OP isn’t part of that. I’m sure OP deserves a break too!

Why does OP sound jealous? That’s a really bizarre statement. OP has her own life and will have her own opportunities to have fun at some point.
The ex wants to go away for her friend’s birthday… really nothing to be jealous about! I’m sure OP would rather stay at home than be at ex’s friend’s birthday holiday. 😄

Original poster
Thulio · 22/05/2023 22:56

But at the same time to the kids either you are like another parent or some adult who lives in their dad's house

I don't think of myself like another parent, I don't think anyone does, well until it suits clearly!

I'd expect if there was a horrific accident where their mum and your husband died you would raise them as they live with you half the time

And wow this is not a situation I've even considered to be honest, I think her mum would have something to say about it though.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 22/05/2023 22:57

YANBU There is a big difference between looking after 2 DC and 4 DC especially with such different ages. it’s ridiculous even to ask you about this. Your DH should have explained that he would be away unfortunately and that’s the end of conversation.
Tbh when you agreed to stay on your own with 2 small children for 4 days, it’s a big favour to him already. Does he stay with them on his own for 3-4 days regularly?

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 22:57

Oh I think with a bit of organisation you would manage

Nah. Why make life more complicated for yourself?

pizzaHeart · 22/05/2023 22:58

paulaparticles · 22/05/2023 22:47

She deserves a break too and imagine saying why doesn't she just go for a few days sure by the time she gets there it would be near time to come back
You sound jealous BTW

She has option for a break when they are with Dad . She can use those days.

Hellenabe · 22/05/2023 23:00

No. Someone put it correct above, classic case of man too scared to upset the ex yet fine to put it all on you. The children have to healthy parents, one of them needs to step up. Really it should be him. Definitely not you.

k1233 · 22/05/2023 23:00

Can't she just change her travel dates to eg the 4 days before the weekend when he is home then the days after. So move her times a little to still get the week she wants?

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 23:00

Unfortunately when you got with him, you knew he had children. They come as a package deal whether you like it or not

I don’t think OP has disputed otherwise, has she? They’re his kids. She gets it. We all get it.

But that package deal doesn’t involve giving the ex a holiday whether you like it or not. That’s not what she signed up for as a stepmum.

His kids. Her holiday. Two separate things.

Olive19741205 · 22/05/2023 23:00

Sennelier1 · 22/05/2023 22:23

I know, from 2 to 4 children .....but most of the time they would be at school? If you prep in advance and let them help you with some practical stuff, like making it like a camping experience, you could pull this off! Maybe your own two would love to see their older half-siblings at work in their sports (or other after-school activities)! After all, they're your own children's half siblings, this might be a splendid occasion to create a bond!

Oh please! Some of the replies on here are verging on the ridiculous. Camping indeed.

Original poster
Thulio · 22/05/2023 23:01

pizzaHeart · 22/05/2023 22:58

She has option for a break when they are with Dad . She can use those days.

Show quote history

Exactly! I've no idea how it becomes my responsibility or why I should even really care about my husband's ex's break. Like everyone else she can have a break... When her children aren't there.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 22/05/2023 23:02

NosyHamster · 22/05/2023 22:54

So a classic case of man who
would rather upset his wife than his ex.

Yep! YANBU

Clearly hasnt learnt how to create a happy marriage.

Original poster
Thulio · 22/05/2023 23:02

k1233 · 22/05/2023 23:00

Can't she just change her travel dates to eg the 4 days before the weekend when he is home then the days after. So move her times a little to still get the week she wants?

It's a trip on specific dates for a friend's birthday apparently

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 22/05/2023 23:03

paulaparticles · 22/05/2023 22:47

She deserves a break too and imagine saying why doesn't she just go for a few days sure by the time she gets there it would be near time to come back
You sound jealous BTW

No she sounds absolutely well within her right to say no, op isn't free childcare for her husbands ex, she has her own children to look after, that's enough.