To say no to looking after children so ex can go on holiday?

[Thulio]

This is my husband's ex.

Custody is currently 3 nights a week with us and 4 with their mum.

She wants to go on holiday in June and has asked us to have the children for the whole week. However the week she wants to go coincides with my husband also being away for 4 out of the 7 days so I've said no.

We have shared DC who are little still and then my husband's older two and it's too much for me by myself.

Both of them think I'm unreasonable but I've said no. AIBU?

They can't both go on holiday as parents of young children, at the same time, without organising childcare.

You aren't their default childcare.

If it's too much for you, for whatever reason then it's a No and they need to reorganise their plans. Child free holidays for parents are not a god given right. Neither of them should be pressing you, least of all him, and the fact that he doesn't like arguing with her, but is fine to disagree with you over this is absolutely ridiculous!

Your problem here is your DH putting this on you. If he’s that fussed to facilitate his ex going on her holiday then he can cancel his own trip.

YANBU OP, I’d say no too if I was you.

She didn’t sign up to helping make sure the ex wife gets a holiday though. That’s not part of being a stepmum. She owes the ex nothing.

How about you say no as you've just booked a holiday

If your DH cannot look after them then he has to tell his ex he can't. Its absolutely not unreasonable of you to say no you don't want to look after them without him there.

Is your husband away for the 4 nights they are meant to be with their mum?

Your DH cancels his own trip and covers the childcare or you don't have them. it's that simple and he should have your back, not hers.

Yes it's extra work for you but is she likely to return the favour at some point. Blended families work best with give and take

Exactly, would be completely different if they were both hospitalised then perhaps pop on the aforementioned 'big girl pants' 🙄 and help out, but fuck no. I can only go away without the children if my ex is available to have them extra days, wouldn't even occur to me to ask his missus to look after them...entitled much??

@marshmallowmatcha it’s hard to tell if dm is unreasonable without more info but her anger is misplaced if aimed at stepmum. I’ve heard stories like this in rl and rarely is the father being reasonable and new dc tend to take priority. This is not for step mum to lead on though.

if he carries on saying you are unreasonable I would point out to him they are his and his ex’s kids, not yours, you have already said yo8 can’t cope with all 4 without him there

so either his ex sorts childcare for the days she should be having them or he changes his trip and looks after them but either way he shits up telling you you are being unreasonable

Bloody love sensible replies like this! 100% this

Are there no grandparents that can have the DCs for the days your DH isn't around?

I think this comes under the category of be careful because you might one day need a favour. Generally, I think parents should help each other out. No you are not their parent, but you have accepted to live with these children part of the week as a family. Unless the children are a nightmare to care for, then yes I think you are being a bit mean.

You are right, they are wrong. If it were one or two nights without your DP I'd be tempted to do it, but not 4. If they were still in a relationship with each other they wouldn't be able to both do these trips. Just because he's now with you doesn't mean that they can insist on free childcare. It's fine that she asked, as I imagine that normally he'd be really happy to have his children for the whole week. Not fine for husband to insist.

Not being unreasonable at all, two extra kids to care for by yourself for a whole week is enough but especially as you have two little ones it just seems a bit much. Maybe if the SC were teens and could manage school and that by themselves but the 8 year old most certainly can't and there's extra responsibilities that I don't think your husband and his ex are thinking of. Stand by your point.

YANBU. They are being cheeky, both of them.

YANBU.

They aren't your children ultimately it's not down to you to look after them if both parents are away.

no. at those ages the two little ones will often have you running around non stop. It will be a lot of work. Are they offering any kind of compromise or support? For example ‘ok what if we put them in after school club all week so you don’t have to feed them just pick them up and put to bed? And they’ll go to their grandmas for the day Saturday and Sunday?’ This really shouldn’t be all on you to look after them etc

People looking for free childcare always start with the softest target.

I wouldn’t do it not because of the logistics (although that too, with 1&3yos), but because I’d be solely responsible for the safety, well-being and whereabouts of 2 children I don’t have legal responsibility for in circumstances where I would ALWAYS have to put the younger children first. It’s not a fair position to be out in. Some people are relaxed about it though.

They're 8 and 12. Chances are they'd be in their rooms doing their own thing anyway.
Unfortunately when you got with him, you knew he had children. They come as a package deal whether you like it or not. I'd do it.
Like you said you don't NEED to do it. But as a decent person, you should

I'd do it if they pay you back in babysitting hours.

50% to be provided by the ex, 50% to be provided by your husband.

Alternatively, you could tell them that your nannying rate is £17ph, with a fixed cost for overnight childcare. All expenses to be met by them.

There could well be, but how is this OPs problem to solve?

She said she cant, that should be the end of it. I dont have step kids but if I did I'm not sure I could take care of 4 for several days alone. I only had two children for a reason.

What are these favours that some posters are speaking of that the SC's mum will do in return? I know that you don't mean that she will look after OP's children whilst OP goes on holiday. By favours, do you mean...look after her own children for their other parent?

They are so absolutely taking the piss op. I’m fact I’d be inclined to tell them that I (and the two little ones) am going away too, so they’ll have to argue the toss between themselves about THEIR kids.