An alcoholic returning to booze after sobriety is a choice not a damn disease

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So it ends. A blissful 9 months of abstinence where it felt as though I finally had some semblance of a mother back for the first time in 15 years. She reached rock bottom last year and was hospitalised, went through medical detox etc. I broke NC of almost a year and supported her, like a mug, as she really seemed to have had a wake up call. She had counselling, at my expense. She was upfront that the drinking was boredom and habit, not some massive trauma response.

Last week she made the conscious choice, whilst in complete sobriety, to return to the booze. Why? She was bored and didn't have much "in her life" ...other than supportive children and grandchildren who love her, as worthless as we are.

I've heard alcoholism referred to as a disease, just like cancer, except you don't go and buy more cancer from the corner shop when it runs out - do you?

It's a choice, especially when you don't have the additional complication of physical addiction to contend with.

I'm so sick and tired of all of the excusing the behaviour and this is exactly why I couldn't stomach another session of Al anon.

Do you strongly disagree if so why?

I agree 100%. Had people tell me this for years when discussing an alcoholic father. But he made the choice time and time again to drink. He lost his marriage, 2 children and strained relationships with all his family over drink. Now he’s only stopped due to serious health issues. It was a choice not disease. Well done for seeing it.

I'm so sorry OP. It's really hard, but you can only give what you can give. Don't feel bad if you need to go NC again. Unfortunately, with all the love and will in the world, you can't do it for them they have to do it themselves. It's crap.

I work in mental health OP and whilst I do understand and have empathy for people struggling with addiction issues, no I definitely do not consider it as disease.
Its often a product of a psychological problem, sometimes a physical addiction, but nevertheless it is a choice. In my experience including that of having a father who was a (binge abstinence cycle) lifelong alcoholic, it was all about avoidance and being a proper grown up.
it was only when literally every last person including his own long suffering Mum washed their hands of him that he ‘recovered’ eg decided living sober was the better option.

It's both unfortunately.

I am so sorry.

Yanbu. Addiction is addiction, not a disease. Please detach fully from your mother now for your own mental health. So sorry this has happened .

Thank you for the empathy.

I have an important hospital appointment tomorrow in preparation for brain surgery. I'm having an angiogram and she promised she would come with me for support as I'm so scared. Now she's decided she can't be bothered and would rather drink.

She thinks that little of me she'd do this, now.

I'm heartbroken and so angry at myself for letting my guard down when she'd already shown me how little she cares over the years.

My heart goes out to everyone else dealing with a family member like this, it's exhausting and I wish you nothing but the best and complete healing.

It's really, really good to see some people say they agree with my POV. The absolving of personal responsibility is so crazy making.

Absolutely a choice. If they are sober, they can see that life is better and that relationships are starting to heal. They decide drinking is more valuable than the people around them.

my patience only extends as far as the alcoholic is willing to try to do better.

I agree. Calling it a disease is insulting to people who are actually ill and have no choice in the matter. Alcoholics choose to pour drink down their necks.

I think the compulsion is some sort of mental illness but I also think it's not yours to deal with and it's ok to walk away now. It's bloody heartbreaking.

I will, without a shadow of a doubt, be returning to total NC starting today. No more chances. Ever.

it is an addiction.
i am sorry for your situation

YANBU

and I say that as someone with alcohol use disorder myself. I do not identify with the term “an alcoholic”.

it is a choice to pick up that first drink. After that, I agree it may be harder or impossible to control.

but your mother purposely sought out, purchased and drank that first drink. She was 9 months dry and therefore not physically dependent. Of course it was a choice. Addiction is hard and that, itself, is never the way anyone wants to end up and on that level is not her fault, but it is her responsibility. No one poured it down her throat, and she’s not a robot. It’s on her. You can be compassionate without absolving her of responsibility.

I am a sober recovering alcoholic, have not drunk for more than 7 years. It is a choice. 100% it is a choice. I cannot help have the biology that means I cannot drink sensibly , but I can help taking the first one. I choose not to ...
I do have empathy, I think it's hard not to relapse, but it's also a choice ...

I agree OP, it's absolutely not a disease. I do think it's often a trauma response or a symptom of an underlying issue/undiagnosed SEN but is not in and of itself a disease.

I have low tolerance for it where parents are concerned. My father lost his marriage and all three of his children are NC because who could be arsed with a waster alcoholic ruining life for everyone? They get multiple chances and they ruin them all. Look after yourself, it's very frustrating and tough to accept that your parent chose alcohol over their family 💐

I'm the child of an alcoholic. It is a choice, especially if they've been dry for a while.
Yes, sure it's a fucking hard choice that they have to make with themselves over and over and over every second of every day for the rest of their lives but unless they have been threatened or forced it is still their choice.

It may well be that it isn’t a trauma response and her reasons for drinking are as she says. I was the same before I quit nearly 2 years ago. I’ve had no trauma I’ve had a pretty good life. It was boredom and habit with me. But alcohol is addictive. It doesn’t really matter why you use it, if you do consistently and for a long time you risk becoming addicted.

I hope your treatment is totally successful. Don’t let your completely under stable frustration and disappointment derail it.

I posted as an outlet as I'm so upset and angry, I was expecting a unanimous YABU and was prepared to argue the toss, so these replies are such a breath of fresh air which i really needed to hear, solidarity, thank you so much!

Ex husband crack addict.
the number of people who’ve thrown that cancer line at me.
told me would I leave if he had cancer etc …
I suffered it for 8 years and then I made my CHOICE and fucked off !
i feel for you x

Sorry OP, you’ve had a terrible time. Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow.

No I don't see it as a disease, and in your situation its very selfish when she's been sober.

I find I have a bit more sympathy for alcoholics, because most people drink and can see how it could become a slippery slope. However when people say a drug addiction has a disease I find it ridiculous

I've had 2 family members die because of alcohol use/addiction, others who've had troublesome drinking, drunkenness, violence.
I know for a fact I could go down that road. Something about alcohol, after a first drink, takes my control. I don't understand it but I know to avoid it.

YANBU OP, it is a choice she is consciously making.

Alcoholism IS a disease and recognised as such by the World Health Organisation.Not helpful to you OP.

I am an alcoholic,sober 20 years,I believe it is a mental illness and a fatal one at that.

Get some support from Alanon,don’t enable your Mother in any way.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry this happened, especially given your own medical situation. If she couldn’t think how much her child needed her tomorrow, I really don’t see how she can expect you to stand by her in return.
Incidentally, I had a cardiac angiogram last year and it was not too bad. The only thing was I had a reaction to the dye they inject which made my skin burn and itch - I dare say this won’t happen to you though; I understand it’s not that common. Good luck with tomorrow and the surgery.

I absolutely agree. My children lost their dad to this addiction and yes whilst I understand it is an illness, I also feel anger and frustration that he chose drink over them. I'm aware it isn't that simple and I actually just feel horribly sad at the waste of his life and the awful conditions and state his health was in when he died but I could only accept those feelings after he was gone. The rollercoaster years when he was alive, when he was nasty, inconsistent, abusive and selfish to me and our kids took their toll and we are all still trying to get through one day at a time.
Look after yourself OP, you won't change your mum, only she can do that.