An alcoholic returning to booze after sobriety is a choice not a damn disease

[Violet143]

So it ends. A blissful 9 months of abstinence where it felt as though I finally had some semblance of a mother back for the first time in 15 years. She reached rock bottom last year and was hospitalised, went through medical detox etc. I broke NC of almost a year and supported her, like a mug, as she really seemed to have had a wake up call. She had counselling, at my expense. She was upfront that the drinking was boredom and habit, not some massive trauma response.

Last week she made the conscious choice, whilst in complete sobriety, to return to the booze. Why? She was bored and didn't have much "in her life" ...other than supportive children and grandchildren who love her, as worthless as we are.

I've heard alcoholism referred to as a disease, just like cancer, except you don't go and buy more cancer from the corner shop when it runs out - do you?

It's a choice, especially when you don't have the additional complication of physical addiction to contend with.

I'm so sick and tired of all of the excusing the behaviour and this is exactly why I couldn't stomach another session of Al anon.

Do you strongly disagree if so why?

I think self control varies from person to person, like height or hair colour. I do understand though, it's disappointing when people you love let themselves and you down :(

Sorry but you're wrong. Alcoholism has been recognised as a disease by doctors for over 50 years, a disease of the mind and body. Abstinence doesn't get rid of the disease it keeps it at bay but only if you're also working on yourself through a program. I've been sober 13 years but could relapse if I stopped working my program.

Unfortunately OP I agree with you especially if they’ve been sober for a long time. My family member is finally sober after a very long nc period. I’d cut them out for the rest of waking days if they ever choose to walk into a pub and order a drink. There’s several steps in choosing to drink when someone has been sober for years, it’s not sitting in the cupboard calling them. They have to grab their purse, put on a coat and shoes, walk to the off licence, lift the drink, pay for the drink etc etc
All choices

It’s so sad the majority of us agreeing it’s a choice know that because we’ve seen the person make a choice before and lose every thing.
To break a lengthy sobriety is especially selfish

I've been supporting an alcoholic for 3 years now and have finally woken up to the fact I can't help him, it's a choice on his part to slowly kill himself.

OP doesn't have to give a shit if her Mum drinks because of trauma/adhd/ASD.

Her Mum lost the right to have someone care when she fucked her daughter over by choosing to drink.

My youngest brother was an alcoholic and was dry for four years. The liver specialist was very pleased with his progress and told him he could have a glass of champagne at his wedding.

He took that as an OK to start drinking again and turned into the person he was before.

After his wife left him and took the kids,he drank from morning 'till night and he died a few years ago from stage 4 cirrhosis.

Alcoholism is an addiction and the alcoholic can never drink alcohol again.

Snap ! To me its not a disease its a choice, ill probably get stick for saying it but addicts get support, they get treatment, their behaviour has a huge impact on others- its not a disease, cancer patients don't get half as much support, MH support, macmillan etc are charities, and the constant recovery/active addiction is a choice ! Who chooses cancer ? OP, go NC, stay away and wash your hands of her you tried , you did enough ❤

You absolutely ANBU, my Mother is exactly the same. About 10 years ago she hit rock bottom and stopped drinking for 2 yrs and decided on the day of my sister's engagement party to start again!
She seems to go through cycles where she will binge drink at weekends and then it will spiral so she is drinking every single night until something big happens (she either ends up falling over/getting hurt or will be so horrible to the family that there ends up being a big argument the next day) and then will 'be good' for a week or so and then it happens again.
Very frustrating but what I have learnt over the years is that I cannot control anything she does and no matter how hard I or any other member of my family try only she can help herself. I don't want to go NC but just ignore her when she contacts me drunk - I just feel sorry for my dad who has to live with her!

Initially it's a choice and they keep on choosing then it becomes an addiction.

I'm incredibly touched by all of these replies, sharing your own experiences of alcoholism in the family. Thank you so much. It helps to know I'm not alone although I'd never wish it on anybody else.

Having a complete mental breakdown after she drinks herself to death - I'm terrified of that happening. PP, I'm so sorry. I have this all consuming fear that once she does it, which she will, I'll have a total breakdown, just like that, and my life will spiral out of control and I'll not cope.

I've been through several bereavements, and miscarriage, but nothing quite prepares you for the death of a parent does it?

She's never been a proper parent but she's the only one I've ever had and although I resent her terribly I also love the stupid old woman aswell.

Thank you all for not giving me a battering, even if you strongly disagree with my take on the matter, I don't think I could have handled that v well today.

God I absolutely hate how much head space she is taking up today when I have so much to deal with already. She won't be thinking of me or my procedure tomorrow at all. I wish I could care as little as she does.

Same as my situation with ex
Definitely not an illness, it's a selfish choice x

It differs, my dad is a lifelong alcoholic. But he is “fully functional”, he only drinks in the evenings (but he manages about 150 units via whisky a week), he is financially secure, had a very successful career that he continued well past retirement age through choice. He isn’t abusive, he’s absolutely lovely and always there for us. But he had a serious stroke this year and he is still drinking. He can’t stop, he doesn’t want to stop really. That part is his choice, but he is ultimately ill, the addiction is 50+ years old.

We have all accepted it will kill him, and it’s incredibly sad.

Not all alcoholism is obvious-most people have absolutely no idea about my dad.

Apologies. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you about my mental breakdown. What I was trying to say (albeit badly) is to start self care now, get support, surround yourself with positivity, consider counselling, absolve yourself of any misguided guilt you may feel.

I didn't do any of this, I just went NC and thought I could cope with all the guilt and emotional distress I was still blatantly experiencing. Then after the funeral, I went into robot mode, sorting the funeral, clearing her flat, getting myself back to work. I didn't stop to grieve and two more bereavements followed in the months after. The second one was a dear friend who took their own life. Which totally topped me over the edge and all the grief for my mum finally came out. Hence my breakdown.

I got counselling, accepted the love and support from my DP and friends, and stopped being ashamed of what happened. It wasn't my shame to have. I was better a few months later.

Again, sorry to frighten you. I just meant to get that support network in place now, take care of yourself, talk openly about it as much as you feel comfortable and lean on people. Anyone that loves you will want to support you.

Alcoholism is factually and medically a disease with a large genetic component that causes addiction to and dependence on alcohol.

Once you are an alcoholic (alcohol dependent), it is no longer a choice to drink.

You were not a mug to support your mum trying to get sober. Alcoholism is very difficult to beat. If this was her first attempt at sobriety, I’m not surprised she has fallen off the wagon. It’s not as easy as being a choice.

Her “boredom” sounds a bit like depression where alcohol started as her self-medication and now she is properly addicted and cannot get through life without it.

But as with anyone drowning under the weight of an addiction or other mental illness, if helping them means you’d drown too then you can decide to withdraw support and save yourself. It’s a heartbreaking choice that I completely understand having gone through it myself. ❤️

The origin of 'alcoholism is a disease' started many decades ago, as an alternative to calling it a moral failing or a 'sin' in religious terms. There was a desire to take the moral judgement out of the condition, and so it was called an illness or disease instead. This was before there was much general recognition of mental illnesses.

My opinion is that all addictions are forms of mental illness. However that doesn't absolve the addict of personal responsibility for managing their condition.
By analogy, many people with physical diseases are aware that they have to manage their own symptoms and lives, to try and avoid making themselves worse, e.g. by avoiding certain situations. Addiction is no different - it is the addicts responsibility to take precautions and monitor their own mental and emotional state, to avoid picking up that first drink.

I can kind of see both sides. I guess alcoholism is a disease in some senses that it's often a by-product of mental Ill-health which sufferers can't control, much like I binge-eat sometimes if I've had a rough day (obviously alcoholism is more serious but that's the only way I can understand it). However, you are right in saying it's also a choice and your cancer analogy is spot on. Your mother is choosing to drink knowing full well it's damaging to her and those around her. She's actively doing something that she knows is hurting you and saying she has nothing in her life is a big you to you and your family given what you've done for her. It's admirable that you've done what you can to support her but if she keeps going back down the same path despite all the help she's received then you have to put yourself first as there's only so much you can do for her. She has to take control and responsibility for her own life. After all, how many people with cancer would do anything to have curative treatment that allowed them to live a normal life?!

Oh gosh no you didn't frighten me lovely, absolutely no apology necessary at all.

Its something I've had in the back (and sometimes front) of my mind ever since she started drinking. There doesn't seem to be any other alternative when she carries on the way she does, falling over and cracking her head open etc.

I don't handle stress very well and never have been able to, that's one of my biggest weaknesses. I'm told what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but it's quite the opposite in my case 🙈

Massive Kudos to you for getting on top of your grief and working through it. I admire you. I agree counselling may be a good idea for me to begin now rather than later.

I'm really sorry for your loss and everything you have been through, ditto the rest of you here who have lost a loved one this way 💐

It is hard not to eventually slip back into that sort of habit. I can be like it with food. But her saying it's that she doesn't have much in her life sounds a bit like maybe she's trying to manipulate you into seeing her more. Either that or she needs more hobbies/ activities.

It is no different from when someone suffering from anorexia, who has been eating really well for a period of time, suddenly goes back to their old ways. Anorexia and alcoholism are both chronic mental health disorders.

Everyone has some trauma. Maybe she's just not talking about it. Either way, some behaviours can be compulsive and hard to beat. But what matters is how she deals with the relapse. Relapses can be part of addiction. But she could get straight back on the wagon now, get any help she needs to get back on track straight away etc.

Except alcoholism is more than a mental illness because of the physical addiction component. If you’ve never seen an alcoholic attempt to detox by stopping cold then you would have no idea of how sick they can get from withdrawal. Withdrawal from alcohol can actually kill you. So for many addicts, that are struggling, having withdrawal symptoms starting up is going to cause a real fear that not having a drink will kill them quicker than having a drink.

https://theconversation.com/alcohol-withdrawal-can-be-deadly-heres-why-96487

You are not unreasonable at all to distance yourself and protect yourself. But the things that lie behind alcoholism, like other addictions, do make it a disease. I don’t think your cancer analogy is very good at all. Your mother has relapsed. It’s shit for you. And you absolutely do not have to be part of it. But it is a disease; many diseases are self inflicted, or a result of lifestyle “choices”. Doesn’t make them less a disease. All sympathy to you though. You are perfectly entitled to draw a line now.

Thank you. There's part of your replies I could have written myself.

I recall trying to hold down my demanding full time job, then often getting a call at almost midnight as my mum was in hospital after a drunken fall or accident. I'd dutifully go straight there, to be met with a barrage of abuse from her, I'd go home in tears, unable to sleep then had to drag my sorry arse into work the next day, unable to tell my manager why I looked like shit and was making mistakes. I was living on my nerves.

Like you, I get easily stressed and I'm a born worrier, I take on other people's problems, I try and look after everyone else and never myself.

If you go to a counsellor and don't get on with it / them, I strongly suggest you try another counsellor, you have to find one that you click with.

Incidentally, my employer paid for my counselling as the NHS waiting list in my area was 9 months and private counselling wasn't affordable to me at the time. If you're in employment look at their employee assistance programme if they have one. I was entitled to 6 sessions which barely scratched the surface, so my employer authorised counselling to continue until I was better.

I really hope your mum can see sense and get back on the right track. ❤️

I've been sober (and happy and all the things I'm not supposed to be outside of AA) for 12 years. I know it's an illness of sorts, but I have never 'worked a programme' outside of working with myself to stay dry.

I know that first drink will ruin me, so I don't have it. There are multiple ways to stay sober and live a good and meaningful like without programmes.

I totally get you as have lived with an alcoholic, yanbu