An alcoholic returning to booze after sobriety is a choice not a damn disease

[Violet143]

So it ends. A blissful 9 months of abstinence where it felt as though I finally had some semblance of a mother back for the first time in 15 years. She reached rock bottom last year and was hospitalised, went through medical detox etc. I broke NC of almost a year and supported her, like a mug, as she really seemed to have had a wake up call. She had counselling, at my expense. She was upfront that the drinking was boredom and habit, not some massive trauma response.

Last week she made the conscious choice, whilst in complete sobriety, to return to the booze. Why? She was bored and didn't have much "in her life" ...other than supportive children and grandchildren who love her, as worthless as we are.

I've heard alcoholism referred to as a disease, just like cancer, except you don't go and buy more cancer from the corner shop when it runs out - do you?

It's a choice, especially when you don't have the additional complication of physical addiction to contend with.

I'm so sick and tired of all of the excusing the behaviour and this is exactly why I couldn't stomach another session of Al anon.

Do you strongly disagree if so why?

Sorry OP its really shit when you put everything into someone and they just go straight back to the bottle, feels like a slap in the face. My mums a alcoholic sober at the moment but i dont belive for one second it will last. I havent given up on her yet because i love her so much and when shes sober shes amazing but i do think at time will come when im absolutely done. Ill never understand what makes them make the CHOICE to go for another drink and you are exactly right it is just that x

Well with any disease, some get it worse than others do. Both of your experiences are valid just like those who had covid and only had a sniffle for a day, vs those who ended up in hospital on a ventilator vs those still fighting long covid vs those who sadly died of it. All the same disease, all possible lived experiences.

I'm an alcoholic and have been in recovery for more than 10 years now. I remember in the depths of my addiction how miserable drinking was making me. I would decide "That's it. I'm definitely not drinking tomorrow", but then I would, and I would hate myself for it. I really felt like I had no choice at the time. It's only after lots and lots of therapy, hundreds (probably thousands) of meetings etc. that I feel able to control it. I feel confident now that I won't drink - and in fact don't even think about drinking for weeks at a time these days.

I don't think YABU. It sounds like your DM has had lots of support and has all the tools available to her, but after 9 months of sobriety, she has relapsed. Recovery is not a straight line, and relapses are often a part of recovery, but it sounds as if you have reached the limit of what you feel you are able to give to your DM in terms of support, and that's ok.

Alcoholism is an illness. That doesn't mean there aren't choices involved.
Alcoholics Anonymous and Al anon 100% do not try to say that alcoholics have no personal responsibility for their actions. in fact the programme of AA is all about taking responsibility for our actions.

I'm sorry your mum has relapsed.

I agree with this.

I do think it is an illness.

I don't think it's your responsibility to deal with her to the point of your own detriment.

Some illnesses have a more traumatic impact on those around us than others, and the consequences of this one are often especially difficult because of the (apparent or actual) level of "choice" involved.

Excellent post by @CoolSchool.
If it were as simple as just making a choice, there would be very few addicts.

I'm sorry OP. I have a mother like yours except she's hit rock bottom many times and never gotten sober. She's in her 70s now and I think the next bad fall will be the last one. It hurts that she's prioritised alcohol my whole life. I do believe it's a choice as people do choose to get sober and mean it all the time. It's not an easy choice and I suppose my mum feels like she has no reason to do so as sadly because of her drinking I am distant these days and not as involved as I would have been had she not been an alcoholic. But all of it is her choice.

I don't think alcoholics are generally "given a pass" by society so not sure what you're basing that on. Alcoholics are pretty much vilified and abhorred as a whole by society.

RE her boredom I've encouraged her to consider exploring different hobbies and she says she isn't interested in any of them. I suggested voluntary work and offered to go with her, she scoffed at the idea as if it were below her. I found her a group at a recreation ground who do different activities, art / playing bowls / coffee mornings etc. She went once and then said she isn't going back as she doesn't want to sit with "a load of old grannys" - so disrespectful, also she's 68 herself so I don't know where she finds the audacity.

She always comments that she doesn't have much in her life and has never done much with it but she's never gone out and tried to. She complains and complains about everyone and everything. Is always slagging somebody off, probably me too. Writing all of this down I can see that she's a really negative person and always has been, which I guess could be attributed some underlying depression but as PP very eloquently put - ill people are still expected to take responsibility for their conditions and manage / monitor them accordingly.

When I confronted her about drinking again (as in asking why she has done it - I wasn't confrontational) she immediately deployed a massive dose of DARVO and started talking about how she's kept secrets for me in the past (private things I've told her in confidence) and how I'm the bad person here as I shouldn't be going to a concert with a brain aneurysm ??? What the hell has that got to do with her drinking?! I don't even drink alcohol.

When I rebuffed all of that she started going on about how my partner, who is a tremendous support, sleeps in the spare room most of the time because he snores. She said all of that in attack mode, she said it all with chest and was fully convinced that she had a case to come at me with all of that to counteract my upset at her drinking.

Bloody hell the more I write the worse I realise she is. Christ.

To me its not a disease its a choice, ill probably get stick for saying it but addicts get support, they get treatment,

@RachaelBUk1 I'm sorry, but this is absolute nonsense. There is virtually no support for addicts in the UK unless it's private (and very very expensive) or through a charity (very very few places). The NHS does not provide addiction services. GPs can provide some basic medications, but that's it. There's nothing in mental health services either. You don't know what you're talking about.

I have empathy with people who struggle with addictions. I’ve overcome my own alcohol dependency with counselling and hard work as it was having such a negative effect on my anxiety, health and relationships and knew if I carried on I’d probably lose my wonderful husband.

However I’ve always found the term ‘disease’ uncomfortable. I can’t quite square the circle knowing people have debilitating, life shortening diseases they will never be able to overcome.

It can become complicated when people have legitimate mental health issues intertwined with their addiction. Perhaps it differs case by case.

Either way, I’m really sorry for what you have been though and continue to go through. It must be so so draining.

It is not universally accepted that alcoholism is a disease. It is an addiction but no different to any other addiction. I was/am addicted to alcohol but I do not have a disease called “alcoholism”

It sounds like she's gaslighting you to be honest. She also sounds narcissistic as it's always all about her and her unwillingness to better her situation despite having multiple opportunities suggests to me that she wants to control you as she's manipulating you into always feeling sorry for her so you'll stick around and keep cleaning up her mess. She's turning you into the parent. My mum is like this too and it's devastating and the only way I could be happy was to cut her off.

Mum was put onto a brilliant service, completely free of charge, government funded, who support people with alcohol abuse. They can even help with medical detox and prescribing if the addict shows up and commits. Four times she has been referred to them and not once did she show up and commit to going. Not once.

There is help here and there is help in my home town too. My childhood best friend works there and does incredible work with the people who show up and went to get sober.

Granted some areas may have less funding than others but there is help.

thats because it’s not “boredom”. It’s addiction. Nothing more “boring” than sitting pouring poison down your neck. I convinced myself that drinking was a hobby too. She just doesn’t want to stay sober enough. She doesn’t want to take responsibility or do the hard things that are necessary to overcome alcohol addiction. It is hard work but it is possible. We can take responsibility and we can do hard things but first we have to want to.

Alcoholics in active addiction generally aren't nice people to be around. I wasn't. There is also no "talking round" a alcoholic in the midst of their addiction, or appealing to their better nature or trying to get them to "see sense". It is hard to deal with and accept for family members, I know that but an alcoholic is not thinking logically or able to think logically.
The knowledge that you are causing loved ones pain or that you have a bunch of loving grandchildren isn't enough to stop an alcoholic from drinking as it would a non-alcoholic, That is the nature of the illness. It makes you not give a shit about anything other than drink. It may seem like a choice- to a normal, sane person without a compulsion to drink. But who in their right mind would choose that? No one. Alcoholics are mentally ill and the illness is making that choice for them. Does that mean that everyone must give them a free pass for their behaviour because they can't control it? No of course not. I am an alcoholic in recovery (sober 5+ years) and I recommend that any loved ones of active alcoholics step back from their alcoholic and keep them at arms length to protect themselves from repeated disappointment and pain.

Talk of the devil she's just tried calling me and left a voicemail asking if I had called her earlier, she knows full well I did as she rejected the calls. This is her testing the waters. Sobering up but not completely sober (I can hear it in her voice)

Part of me thinks perhaps she's had a pang of conscience but that quickly gets swallowed back down with the next drink, and there's always a next drink isn't there.

So many spot on replies here that are so, so helpful thank you all.

That's very thought-provoking. It makes a lot of sense.

It's so good to see so many longstanding sober alcoholics here, bloody well done (and I mean that wholeheartedly)

I don't doubt how difficult it was to get there. I hope that one day my mum will make that choice and persevere until she gets tnere.

@Violet143 It sounds as though she knows what a horrible thing she did today.

Remember to be kind to yourself. You are the priority.
All the very best for tomorrow x

Not a disease at all. Its self soothing, escapism, cowardice, self medication etc.
You are not worthless, more that she thinks she is worthless. She can’t love herself so can’t fully love and be there for you. Its shit.

Wishing you all the best for your procedures and health issues. You tried, now its time to focus on yourself.

I'm so sorry OP. Regrettably relapse is part and parcel of addiction. There was a study that showed up to 85% of alcoholics relapse within a year. It kills most, alcoholics on average die 25 years younger than they would have done.

Go back to NC, keep it that way until she's proven she's sober for at least 2 years (if you even want to restart contact).

It is a disease, a most insidious one that controls their choices. So many alcoholics have liver disease, and the sober version of them would be screaming at an alcoholic that they're killing themselves and why don't they stop, yet they still can't help themselves. Only they can find the willpower to stop, but most never do. It has to be their choice, with 110% commitment.

You have every right to be so angry at her. You have every right to go back to NC. Please don't feel guilty because of her choices.

YANBU my ex husband replaced his addiction to alcohol with an addiction to AA meetings and it killed our marriage. He was a dry drunk where he didn't treat the reasons why he had these additions, it finally killed him 7 years ago not by alcohol but due to his mental health.

I've just watched Will Young's documentary about his twin's alcohol addiction. (Channel 4). It's brilliantly made and he really explains how he felt about what he was able/unable to do for him. Worth a watch as I think it could help you frame your perspective on your mother.

Thankyou for this post, especially from someone who has been on the other side of it. I've even screenshot it.
I always struggle with staying away and desperately wanting to help detox them etc