An alcoholic returning to booze after sobriety is a choice not a damn disease

[Violet143]

So it ends. A blissful 9 months of abstinence where it felt as though I finally had some semblance of a mother back for the first time in 15 years. She reached rock bottom last year and was hospitalised, went through medical detox etc. I broke NC of almost a year and supported her, like a mug, as she really seemed to have had a wake up call. She had counselling, at my expense. She was upfront that the drinking was boredom and habit, not some massive trauma response.

Last week she made the conscious choice, whilst in complete sobriety, to return to the booze. Why? She was bored and didn't have much "in her life" ...other than supportive children and grandchildren who love her, as worthless as we are.

I've heard alcoholism referred to as a disease, just like cancer, except you don't go and buy more cancer from the corner shop when it runs out - do you?

It's a choice, especially when you don't have the additional complication of physical addiction to contend with.

I'm so sick and tired of all of the excusing the behaviour and this is exactly why I couldn't stomach another session of Al anon.

Do you strongly disagree if so why?

The fat people example - that depends entirely on the reason for being overweight doesn't it?

Side effect from medication they need to be on - not their fault and not a choice.

Infirm due to disability - not their fault and not a choice.

Simply enjoys chocolate, pizza, fizzy pop etc and has no desire or motivation to make better choices - yes its their fault and a choice.

You didn't mention using food as a way to manage difficult emotions, even if you don't realise it.

It's not what I want to do, nor, most of the time is it something that I make a conscious choice to do; it is something that I find myself doing subconsciously. Couple that with a hidden disability and a lot of life shit in the last few years, and I don't think it's as straight forward as fault and choice, and I'm not so sure that it's as black and white as fault and choice for your mum - although I 100% support your choice to be NC.

@Clarinet1 Would you mind sending me a PM with a little about what to expect from the angiogram if you have a second at some point please? I'd be so grateful. I've heard all sorts of horror stories about people having strokes during the procedure and I've worked myself up into a bit of a tizz 😬

Is the dye the same type they use during MRI's with contrast? I had one of those last year and had no reaction but that was alot less intrusive.

I'm really glad you didn't find it too bad.

Any addiction carves out new neural pathways in the brain though and they take years and years and years to re-route - often they never do, they're just too ingrained. A bit like constantly trying to straighten curly hair - one sniff of drizzle and the curls are back.
Addiction never goes away.
It doesn't stop the devastating disappointment for you and your family though.

Genuine question (and I am truly sorry things have been hard for you over the last few years, so please don't take this as me being dismissive of that)

If your comfort eating was causing your family significant distress do you think you'd continue as you were or do you think you'd want to make changes?

I know people say an addict will only quit when they want to but I can't fathom choosing to participate in something that I know without a shadow of a doubt is causing my children such pain.

I don't think you can draw that kind of hard line, not only with alchoholism, but with many other self-destructive behaviors.

Of course if someone is actively using a substance there will often be physical elements, and so alcoholics can't detox, so they are stuck with that.

But as far as people making a choice to engage in anti-social, relationship destroying, activities, in my experience there is very often something missing or wrong within that person that drives that. Not physically, but psychologically, or maybe even spiritually. Be it people that over-eat in a serious way, drink, drugs, sometimes sexual promiscuity, thrill seeking behaviours - it's about numbing something or replacing something that's numb.

I'd tend to suspect that the explanation of boredom is a rather surface answer and maybe your mum has not really explored what's going on all that deeply.

But I also think that it's not required that you be involved in her life if she is making that unhealthy for you through her actions. You have to decide where to draw the lines, whether or not it is more about her bad choices or some kind of disease process.

I think it's both. I would say the first drink is an active choice. After that, the addiction takes over.

It doesn't take 'massive trauma' to become addicted. It can come from lots of smaller things stacking up. In my late husband's case there was a family history, a long term inferiority complex, a rigid and authoritarian upbringing followed by a stint in the military which reduced his mental adaptibility to life even more, then a stack of bereavements. However, there is also personal responsibility - I've had a fair few bad things happen in my life and I'm not addicted except perhaps to coffee (and I only have one cup a day of that).

There would also have been a vulnerability to addiction. It's never simple.

9 months sober isn't very long, and relapse is part of recovery. However, you have every right to step away and not get involved. It is not selfish to put yourself and your family first when you have an addict in your life.

People with adhd have less dopamine reaching their brain than others so they adopt ways to get that kick, - drink, drugs ,gambling etc
Ive just discovered that adhd is in my family so explains a lot of the heavy smoking, drinking etc
So DF was not a selfish , miserable git -he probably was autistic! ? Had adhd. Life harder for him than for a NT person. This has changed my attitude now.

Violet You can do no more, she neither wants help or to be sober, cut all contact and concentrate on yourself and children and don't feel in the slightest bit bad about it. You need all your strength for what lies ahead health wise. Good luck

I don't think you can say with confidence that she has no trauma in her past...most of us hide it from our children.

i came on to say this. I know my parent made the choice to keep drinking after fully understanding it didn’t suit them and made their family life miserable, which makes me sad and angry. but it’s been 45 years now and even if he wanted to change I know it’s impossible, so I’m in a place of acceptance now. I cope with it by rarely seeing him and never picking up the phone after midday. Strength to you. It’s shit.

I have ADHD, diagnosed. I also have a shed load of trauma thanks to her and indeed probably the genetic component that means I'm more predisposed to addiction than somebody without my familial history.

Even if my mum did have ADHD, which I'm certain she doesn't as its on my dads side, I wouldn't let her use that as a get out of jail free card. We have enough stigma and are misunderstood enough without being aligned with alcoholics 😂

Tough luck if you don't like being aligned with alcoholics, the connection is well documented. An alcoholic is about 10 times more likely to have ADHD as a non alcoholic.

I don't think its something to laugh at.

I'm fast approaching 4 years sober.

My life is significantly, hugely, glowingly beautiful now. Because I appreciate it.

I can't imagine what ( and yes I've had stressful situations since!) would ever drive me to go back to that black hole.

But people do.

I am so sorry op. Your Mother is selfish to the core and has caused you immense pain at a time when you really needed her.

I don't know (or care) what is the motivation to drink. Alcoholism pissed all over my childhood and my other parent failed to protect me. Fuck them.

Do you have a friend who could go with you? Focus on yourself for now.

And stay strong. When you are contacted as next of kin and your Mother needs you, remember how she failed you.

This.
Also, wrt the trauma.
I worked in a detox briefly.
More than half the men in there ( all the Irish ones) had been sexually abused by priests as children. Lives destroyed.

@Violet143

I have a relative in recovery who once remarked to me that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it's connection, and with that goes the desire to connect.

I'm sorry that your mum has chosen disconnection. That's a terrible wound to inflict.

Wishing you well for your treatment.

It’s a choice.
She was sober and chose to drink again. Even for those who see it as ‘illness’ they must recognise that any illnesses requires the patient to participate in the lifestyle changes that are necessary to manage their addiction. If they don’t then they are choosing.
I think most victims of an alcoholic parent or loved one would completely sympathise with you here

What I find funny is how for the past decade + people have tied themselves in knots using every excuse in the book to explain away and justify her drinking when absolutely none of it applies.

She isn't traumatised
She hasn't had a hard life, quite the opposite. Her life was comparatively wonderful compared to the shit she inflicted on me.
She doesn't have ADHD
She isn't autistic
She doesn't have a disease

It's an uncomfortable fact that many don't like to acknowledge but there are alcoholics who are that way due to habit and boredom. Fact.

Of course it feels better to insist they can't help themselves, are terribly unwell, traumatised, running from something, on the spectrum, etc etc.

It's not nice to come to terms with the fact that some people, some mothers, are just selfish bastards who want to drink and don't give a hoot about anybody else.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I lost my mum to alcoholism 4 years ago. She'd been an alcoholic for 16 years.

The stress of trying to help and watching her throwing every chance and offer of help away was incredibly hard. She entered into a residential detox / rehab, and promptly started drinking the day she got out. She'd often be hospitalised from breaking ribs, coughing up blood, paranoid delusions and she'd be medically detoxed while in hospital. She'd often discharge herself against medical advice and start drinking as soon as she was back home.

I ended up NC with her as it was making me ill to watch her slowly kill herself, and because when she was drunk, she was really cruel to me. So, I said I didn't want anything more to do with her until she was ready to accept help and stick to it. She died 10 months later alone, in her bed. Wasn't found for a day or two. It was truly horrific. Six months later, I had a full mental breakdown and had to be signed off work.

I hear what you're saying about your mum choosing alcohol over you, it hurts like hell to think that you must mean that little to them. I totally get it.

The only advice I can offer is to try and look after yourself instead and lean on loved ones for support. Sadly, you can't change her. She has to want to change. So, try and be kind to yourself. x

@mathanxiety the addiction vs connection thing is one of the things we highlight in the support group I help to run. It makes so much sense. Connecting with other human beings can be hard. There's always the risk of rejection, friendships and connections can go wrong. Using a substance as a substitute can be easier.

Which is very sad.

Also, your parent broke the contract with you. Not the other way around.
You have no obligation to try and understand the whys and wherefores of why your Mum chose alcohol. You don’t owe her any compassion or psychoanalysis. She did not choose compassion when she prioritised alcohol over you.
My advice (as someone who has been in your situation) is to protect your energy and make your own life as beautiful as it can be. You don’t need your mum and you don’t owe her fuck all

A lot of them also have a huge capacity for self pity. Now obviously some have had real trauma and I’d never minimise that but it’s not for nothing AA use the phrase ‘Get off the pity pot’.

I would suggest AlAnon for you (regardless of what you mum may or may not do regarding her drinking/recovery)

and Gabor Mate books/podcasts re addiction.

Sending you peace and best wishes for your health checks.

I had a close relative die thanks to alcoholism. They underwent two medical detoxes but still chose to go back to alcohol. If someone was holding a gun to their head, they wouldn't have dared have a drink. It is a choice.

yeah I disagree with the view of what alcoholism is...

... but I'm also the first to say you need to protect your own sanity first. If keeping your mom out of your life with whatever logic make sense to you to justify that, is how you keep sane, then yanbu.

My mom was alcoholic. She lost the ability to make better choices. That was her mental illness. It was an illness. it wasn't my job to be nice about it, either.