An alcoholic returning to booze after sobriety is a choice not a damn disease

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So it ends. A blissful 9 months of abstinence where it felt as though I finally had some semblance of a mother back for the first time in 15 years. She reached rock bottom last year and was hospitalised, went through medical detox etc. I broke NC of almost a year and supported her, like a mug, as she really seemed to have had a wake up call. She had counselling, at my expense. She was upfront that the drinking was boredom and habit, not some massive trauma response.

Last week she made the conscious choice, whilst in complete sobriety, to return to the booze. Why? She was bored and didn't have much "in her life" ...other than supportive children and grandchildren who love her, as worthless as we are.

I've heard alcoholism referred to as a disease, just like cancer, except you don't go and buy more cancer from the corner shop when it runs out - do you?

It's a choice, especially when you don't have the additional complication of physical addiction to contend with.

I'm so sick and tired of all of the excusing the behaviour and this is exactly why I couldn't stomach another session of Al anon.

Do you strongly disagree if so why?

Yep, even the alcoholic in my life agreed that the first drink, taken whilst sober was their conscious choice, and in the end they made the choice, for themself to never again take that first drink.
Their life improved, so did ours.
You're 100% right going NC with them.

I disagree, but I empathise. One of my parents is an alcoholic and I know how hard it can be.

But just as I might make the choice to check my fridge plug 50 times before I leave for work because I have OCD, an alcoholic chooses to drink. It's a choice driven by the disease, which is to say it's not nearly as clear cut as 'just choose not to'.

So sorry OP. You've been badly let down by the one person who really ought to be supporting you at this time. She finds your illness upsetting and has decided she won't face it with you.

Alcoholism and selfishness are essentially intertwined. The addiction robs people of their better qualities, but at the same time it's a hideaway world of shirking responsibility or any consideration of others.

It must be really painful that she's gone back to the booze instead of being there for you and it's bound to evoke memories of all the other ways she's let you down over the years.

Forgive her if you can, but the focus now needs to be on your own health and recovery. Your supply of care and consideration is needed for yourself. Don't doubt it or let yourself feel guilty for leaving her out of your thoughts and plans now. You need all your strength for yourself and you deserve it.

Hoping all goes well for you and the surgery is straightforward with a speedy recovery.

I firmly believe that alcoholism is not a disease but that it does cause mental illness. I’ve had cancer and I’ve had first hand experience with a family member who was an alcoholic. The way I saw it was no amount of therapy and counselling was going to end my cancer but it can end drinking. I really don’t know what constitutes a disease but I’m pretty sure the AA in its early conception deliberately called it a disease (although I can’t remember why).

It’s an illness. Depression isn’t a disease either. WHO can’t decide on a concrete definition of ‘disease’.
https://theconversation.com/what-exactly-is-a-disease-120622

Even if you believe it is an illness. It's an illness with a cure. Don't drink. Just don't do it. Alcohol is not a necessity. And I say this as a recovering alcoholic. I know if I drink I will get into trouble, in one way or another. So I choose not to ... so could your mother... she chooses to drink

If it was that easy there would be no addicts.

But like some other illnesses (self harm, eating disorders), a function of the illness is being unable or unwilling to engage with the cure. It's like saying, well, someone with an ED should just eat then, duh.

I didn't say it was easy. It's not. But it is a choice.

I don’t know the definition of a disease but I wonder if you can talk yourself out of it then is it a disease? It’s complicated and I learnt not to dwell on it too much because I was so angry that something that was causing so much hurt and destruction was being given a ‘pass’ by being called a disease. It would give me the rage as it seemed to absolve the person from responsibility. No one would think ‘you selfish c*nt’ at someone diagnosed with cancer and the disease tag seemed to let off boozers because they ‘can’t help themselves’. It’s a very sore subject to me.

It's how addiction works.

It's neurological.

The dopamine and serotonin receptors react to the addictive substance. Whether alcohol, drugs, gambling or whatever.

Every person who is 'addicted' to a substance will experience a 'high' when they use that substance. Thing is, as you become addicted to the substance when it's no longer a high but just the relief of the craving of the substance being fed so its not a high as most of us would think, but a general feeling of relief which appears to feel good which it's difficult to replicate with other substances or behaviours because it doesn't subdue the craving in the same way because the brain is used to responding to that substance.

So for a lot of addicts, it is completely irrelevant what joy they can experience in other areas of their lives. Their dopamine receptors are still telling them they need 'the substance'.

Without that substance that the brain is used to and craving, it does not matter how fantastic and beautiful real life is and how you can lose it all by being a twat and drinking or using drugs. Any addict knows that and still loves all the beautiful things in their lives.

But there's a gnawing sense of insecurity, unease, emptiness and a physical feeling which is so uncomfortable and intolerable you want to crawl out of your skin. And using does make that better if just for minutes/hours and after that, you f* everything up again.

No matter how wonderful you and your children are and how truly joyful that experience is for her. It doesn't scratch that itch of that empty feeling.

Addiction is that the person is addicted to that substance. Doesn't matter how shit everyone else thinks it is. That's what they're addicted to, it's what their brain is responding to.

How many talented, rich, successful celebrities with access to the most expensive treatments and lots of friends and family die of addiction?

Is that a choice that brilliant, successful, talented, rich celebrities make the 'choice' to die alone OD-ing on their substance instead of living lives free of addiction?

Addiction damages the brain. Almost all studies evidence that when you're an addict, you get a flood dopamine using the substance and then your dopamine levels go to below the baseline of a 'normal' brain so you feel more anxious and low in mood than if you hadn't used a substance. So you need more to try and get 'normal' levels in the brain.

You should walk away. But don't think it's a choice that was made when it wasn't.

Relapse is part of recovery - if you have not seen the Matt Willis documentary from last week I would recommend it.

My brother was a heroin addict, and went through Rehab in 1992 … I think he’s relapse about 6 times, but has been clean for the last 5 (or so) years.

Addiction is a complicated beast, and if it was as easy as “give up” we wouldn’t have any addicts. It’s ok to be angry, upset, annoyed, and cut contact.

It’s an addiction; a mental illness, not a disease like cancer. Nobody chooses addiction, they just can’t fight it. Do fat people choose to be fat? Should anorexics just be told to choose to eat? Do alcoholics actually want to be staggering around all the time, having accidents and being hospitalised?

It’s awful for loved ones to deal with but no, it’s not a ‘choice’.

@CoolSchool Thank you for that. I think it is very helpful.

I completely agree with you, especially in your mothers case where she has admitted it was due to boredom. It grates on me when people call it a disease. I’ve known an alcoholic -they blamed everyone else apart from themselves.
I would detach, there’s nothing you can do for your mother.

We all know its not that simple.

OP, I agree with you and I don't. It's not a choice in the sense that its an open and free choice. The physical addiction is easier to deal with than the psychological one.

It is not a disease. And I say that as someone who battles addiction (albeit not hard substances). It's multifaceted in cause, but single point in resisting the urge.

I hope everything goes well for your appointment and in returning to NC.

X

2 heroin addicts in my family and they're a pair of selfish twats who keep choosing drugs over their own children. No sympathy. Yanbu.

She chose to pick up the drink you can now choose to go NC and I wouldn’t blame you.

It's a mental illness and you are not being unreasonable x

Addiction is a terrible illness. There is a significant genetic component and often a background of trauma and/ or abuse.
It is distressing and frustrating to witness, but it is not an illness anyone would want.

The fat people example - that depends entirely on the reason for being overweight doesn't it?

Side effect from medication they need to be on - not their fault and not a choice.

Infirm due to disability - not their fault and not a choice.

Simply enjoys chocolate, pizza, fizzy pop etc and has no desire or motivation to make better choices - yes its their fault and a choice.

I'm an ex smoker. Every time I picked up a cigarette I had a choice. Yes I was addicted, ofc I was, nobody is suggesting that addiction isn't a thing but an addict chooses to keep feeding the addiction.

Somebody will be along in a second and say how ridiculous it is me comparing my being an ex smoker to people being alcoholics. I'll refute that in advance. Addiction is addiction.

Correct.

Human beings can do hard things.

Their addiction may not be the addict’s fault but it is their responsibility.

Oh she wants it. She enjoys drinking and that's the problem. Why would she continue to abstain from something that she gets enjoyment from? She says herself, she has a boring life with not much in it and alcohol is something that brings her joy.

No major trauma in her life, unlike me who miraculously manages not to chin off my kids and drink until I piss myself.

dh lost his dad to alcoholism. It is a horrific addiction. I cannot image how difficult it is to conquer, but can understand how easy it is to succumb even after a period of abstinence. It is not quite as simple for your mum as you and her dgc not being enough.

While I have upmost sympathy for your poor mum or anyone with an addiction be it alcohol, gambling, drugs, food, cigarettes, I also agree you are doing the right thing going NC as there is very little you can do to help her and there is no point in it destroying two lives.