To think Dh should be able to do bedtimes without me being called up

[Themegapintthingisback]

We have a Dd, 4, we alternate bedtimes, Dd needs us to lie with her for a bit after stories etc, until she falls asleep.
A couple of times a week, there’s some kind of incident and Dd starts crying and wants me, I then come up and lie with her of have to take over. I’m more patient than Dh and he often loses patience with her and tries to hurry her etc/gets cross.
She’s had a slight temp and fever nightmares this week and understandably is nervous to sleep. She’s needed a lot of reassurance and has slept with us all night, which is fine.
Tonight was Dh’s bedtime, I hear Dd crying again and Dh telling her not to be silly, Dd was saying how the shadows of the light shade was scaring her etc, she started to cry badly for me and wouldn’t go to sleep without me. I stayed upstairs with her until she fell asleep (Dh stayed too)
Aibu to expect Dh to be able to to bedtimes and be gentler with Dd
and to just do better, without her always wanting me, or is this normal?

*To do bedtimes

I thinm you need to stop going up and let your husband find his way of doing bedtimes. Bedtimes how you anf him do them don't have to be the same.

May be easier if you went out for a walk or something so you aren't an option, and your husband can find his own routine

@Youcancallmeirrelevant In the past I’ve had to say no, but she was really upset tonight and I can’t leave her like that, needing me. It never happens when I do bedtimes, she doesn’t call for him and not want to sleep with him

As above. Stop going up and let him deal with it. Itll just keep happening otherwise. Be busy with something downstairs, dont be available

@Youcancallmeirrelevant His own way of going bedtimes is to have no patience after a day working, I get it, but she’s 4 and he’s a parent, he has to do better surely

Well he wont really do better if they both know you are there to take over. They both have to learn to deal with each other.

Thats why you need to go out. She knows you are downstairs.

At 4yo, i wouldn't expext a child to need a parent to lie next to them everynight and never fall asleep on their own.

What's his relationship with his parents like/what were his role models when he was younger? Sounds like you are more of a gentle parent and he's old school?

This. You do it your way and he can do his. If you're insisting on extra cuddles etc, then you should do that, sicknesses aside his way is probably better

At 4yo, i wouldn't expext a child to need a parent to lie next to them everynight and never fall asleep on their own.

Yes I would be looking at trying to stop this. It's clear your husband isn't relaxed when laying with her in the evenings so I suppose she feels this.

I also think it's a good idea to go out for a walk or something and leave them to it.

YABU if you wouldnt want to comfort her, its a phase. Shes 4. She wants her mummy. Its biologically normal.

YANBU to exprct your DH to be more understanding and patient to your daughter.

@Bridgingthefeckingmassivegap He had a nice childhood, he just doesn’t have patience and needs to give her a break, we argue over this so much, she’s only 4 and to me, he’s too harsh. Yes, it’s hard, but being a parent is hard, it takes effort

I don’t think a 4 YO should need a parent to lie with them whilst they go to sleep. I think you need to go out whilst he does bedtime; at least for a few days. You going up when called is only reinforcing her asking for you, and undermines him.

@Antsinmypantsneedtodance I’m
always there to comfort her if she needs and always will be, but I don’t understand why he’s not able to be as gentle/comforting..I don’t know, able to deal with the situation, I’m tired, I don’t generally get any break when it’s like this

He sounds like a really uncaring arse of a father who thinks she should just go to sleep and do what he says because he is the adult.

YANBU

leaving the house is not to punish your DD it's to let your DH come to the conclusion being the way he is with her will not work and actually listening to you about her will get results.

He is being selfish and not really parenting.

@Lcb123 I suppose it’s what we’ve always done, now she’s going through a bad nightmares phase, it isn’t the time to leave her as she’s really worried at the moment. It annoys me that he dismisses her with ‘Don’t be silly!’ It’s not silly to her, to her 4 year old mind after frightening dreams, it’s not silly to be scared

What does he say when you talk to him about it? Does be think you are too soft/his way is right or just not see how his actions aren't getting good results?

I wouldn’t expect a 4 year old to need someone to stay with her every night although I agree it’s different if they are poorly or having nightmares. If you are the main caregiver then your daughter will always call for you rather than your partner, it’s completely natural. When she is feeling better I would work with your partner to help your daughter learn to get to sleep alone. You are both her parents and your choice to parent gently isn’t more important that your partners choice not to

I don’t understand why he’s not able to be as gentle/comforting..

A lot of men just aren't as naturally gentle and comforting as women. Some women are the same. Different temperaments.

There must be some things that stress you out that your husband doesn't get frustrated about.
Of course he can learn to be better with patience, we all can!! And a good dad would recognise that and try to get better at least!
But I think expecting him to be as gentle as you probably wont ever appen.

So many harsh parents. She’s 4, still so small and vulnerable. Of course she wants the parent who is kind and patient with her, how on earth is she’s supposed to feel relaxed and safe enough to fall asleep with someone who is getting annoyed with her. The child shouldn’t be left to deal with this situation, it’s up to the parents to find a way to change. If he isn’t willing to change maybe you could do bedtime and he does something else in order to give you a break at another time during the day.

He often says the things she does *Wrong-messing about in the bathroom etc, which generally isn’t, it’s her not going quickly, which to be fair is hard to be patient with, but she’s not doing anything deliberately. He often says he’ll try harder. I don’t agree with the way he is and it’s starting to bother me more and more, I don’t want her brought up like this

Why on earth do you stay with her till she's fallen asleep at the age of four?

Yep. I can see other people have agreed to. DH and I only do swaps in very rare circumstances where one of us is really struggling/at the end of our tether and there's usually a backstory for why or our child is behaving in an unusual, very challenging way. Otherwise we just get on with it. Both my kids cry and shout for me a fair bit tbh but I don't go to them. They have an excellent loving father who gets on with things. As we have two we alternate each child each night as a general rule.

You both definitely need to work out a middle ground if he thinks you're too soft and you think hes too harsh. You'll constantly butt heads if you dont. Nobody is going to give in and do what the other does it has to be a compromise.

Someone else suggested him picking up the slack elsewhere if you think it would be better for you to do all bedtimes.
That would make you feel better too as you'll know shes being comforted 100% every night in the way you see fit.

I wpuldnt want to lie with a 4 yo till they fell asleep either.

You are creating and encouraging this.

Doesn't sound like your dh gets much of a chance to parent how he wants