Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Dh should be able to do bedtimes without me being called up

183 replies

Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 21:40

We have a Dd, 4, we alternate bedtimes, Dd needs us to lie with her for a bit after stories etc, until she falls asleep.
A couple of times a week, there’s some kind of incident and Dd starts crying and wants me, I then come up and lie with her of have to take over. I’m more patient than Dh and he often loses patience with her and tries to hurry her etc/gets cross.
She’s had a slight temp and fever nightmares this week and understandably is nervous to sleep. She’s needed a lot of reassurance and has slept with us all night, which is fine.
Tonight was Dh’s bedtime, I hear Dd crying again and Dh telling her not to be silly, Dd was saying how the shadows of the light shade was scaring her etc, she started to cry badly for me and wouldn’t go to sleep without me. I stayed upstairs with her until she fell asleep (Dh stayed too)
Aibu to expect Dh to be able to to bedtimes and be gentler with Dd
and to just do better, without her always wanting me, or is this normal?

OP posts:
742EvergreenTerrace · 22/05/2023 10:03

Op it’s like this in our house too. Although nowadays dS can lay with dH without needing me. We just did things slightly differently, DH makes up a story which dS loves and I read from a book. We still lay with him because he’s our last child and I’m prolonging the early stages I guess!

Speermint · 22/05/2023 10:07

elephantmarchingin · 22/05/2023 09:54

@Speermint you obviously haven't dealt with a strong willed child who will cling onto said toy or insert other object here like it's the only thing keeping him alive.

Sometimes a firm pull out of his hand is all that works. That being said I don't scream and shout but if he's in one of his moods a well you won't go to soft play does nothing as he doesn't want soft play he wants to play with his toy!

Honestly that’s just a lack of discipline. Your child shouldn’t be disobeying you when you make a direct request. Instead of snatching the toy you should be focusing on teaching your child to obey his parents.

elephantmarchingin · 22/05/2023 10:08

@Speermint as I said I'm glad you have an angel of a child who hangs off your every word. Most children do 'rebel' back it's a normal child thing to do.

Poopoolittlekitten · 22/05/2023 10:16

nip this in the bud, they need to find their own routine, But TBH I would also start to try having DD go to sleep with you out of the room too anyway. Lying with them til they fall asleep isn't going to help independence and self soothing

Sammmmmy1512 · 22/05/2023 10:19

U defo need to stop going up and rescueing the situation. U need to tell your daughter that you wont be coming up because you have things to do and stand by what u say. This happened with us too. My son is 4 aswell and much prefers me to do bedtime! My husband does bedtime totally differently to me but the kids soon learnt that i wouldn't be coming. Illness is different tho and i would go if they were poorly!

Reluctantadult · 22/05/2023 10:22

Op I think I get what you mean, even if not the specific examples. I've had this with my dh. He's had to learn how to be more patient and what way to speak to the kids to get the best result, I suppose. It didn't come naturally to him. 4/5yo was the peak. My daughter had big sleep issues at this age and we are all tired (beyond). H's read books like how to talk so little kids will listen and we've had lots of discussions over the years. 4 yrs on things are much better and his relationship with particularly our daughter is much improved as a result. He wanted this and put the effort in.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 22/05/2023 10:23

Sometimes life tell you things and you just have to listen.

I'd say that life is telling you you need to get out more.

Pick a night, say Wednesday that is now Daddy's evening. He has to do dinner (get out of work at a reasonable hour once a week and grow up and cook an actual meal), then he has to put his child to bed, and clear up the kitchen.

You can't do any of that as you'll be out with friends/doing a hobby/going for a run, whatever.

He will HAVE to step up, because you aren't there.

The more he does this autonomously, the easier it will get.

The universe is telling you to get a life and that your husband needs to learn how to parent; listen to it!

Reluctantadult · 22/05/2023 10:26

What helped with Dd not wanting dh to do bedtime was they got a special book they could share together that I wasn't allowed - it was a 'you choose' book. They made it their special thing.

I did have to keep out of it. Sometimes I went out for a walk. I knew dh wanted things to go well and wouldn't lose his patience.

Then with the lying with her while she falls asleep with both my two we've had to have a red night light (red doesn't interfere with melatonin), and after tucking them in we leave the door item and promise to check them in 5 mins, then potter around upstairs putting washing away and things so they can hear you.

Original poster
Themegapintthingisback · 22/05/2023 10:35

@StopMindlesslyScrolling But I’m worried to as he’s too harsh

OP posts:
Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 22/05/2023 10:40

I've no solutions OP other than talking to him, but I've lots of sympathy. This was my life when mine were younger. He couldn't do bedtimes the way that I wanted, so I did them instead. Yes I was shattered, but it was something that was important to me and the children (cuddling them to sleep) so I didn't expect him to do it, because it wasn't something he would have chosen, if you see what I mean.

Snapping at other times and holding them to adult standards, well I called that out every time. He wouldn't have been so intolerant of another adult or another person's child so balls to being like that with his own.

Nordicrain · 22/05/2023 10:43

You need to stop going up as you doing that it making it harder for your DH.

Go out for a walk or to the shops or something during bedtime. Your DD will settle for your DH if she knows you coming isn't an option.

Original poster
Themegapintthingisback · 22/05/2023 10:43

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth Did you stay together?

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 22/05/2023 10:44

Themegapintthingisback · 22/05/2023 10:35

@StopMindlesslyScrolling But I’m worried to as he’s too harsh

Ah well there you go. It's not that he can't do it, it's that you don't like his way of doing it and take over. Well, then no, he won't be able to do alone.

Undisclosedlocation · 22/05/2023 10:45

Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 22:19

@JMSA Well, she obviously won’t still be needing it in a few years time, I’m ok with it whilst she’s v young, it won’t be like this forever.

Well the trouble is, her dad obviously isn’t ok with it. Doesn’t he get a say in the parenting choices too?
If you insist on her being with a parent while she falls asleep every night, (and assuming he doesn’t agree with that decision of course) then expecting him to just tow the line and do things your way is a bit unfair.

Goldbar · 22/05/2023 10:46

elephantmarchingin · 22/05/2023 09:54

@Speermint you obviously haven't dealt with a strong willed child who will cling onto said toy or insert other object here like it's the only thing keeping him alive.

Sometimes a firm pull out of his hand is all that works. That being said I don't scream and shout but if he's in one of his moods a well you won't go to soft play does nothing as he doesn't want soft play he wants to play with his toy!

Strong-willed children are precisely the children that you shouldn't get into a confrontation or battle of wills with if you want them to respond positively.

luckylavender · 22/05/2023 10:55

Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 21:44

@Youcancallmeirrelevant His own way of going bedtimes is to have no patience after a day working, I get it, but she’s 4 and he’s a parent, he has to do better surely

He won't do better if you keep micro managing him

luckylavender · 22/05/2023 10:58

I think you're enjoying it OP. And that's fine but you're being unfair on your husband.

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 22/05/2023 11:03

She's manipulating both of you. You are making a rod for your own back. Up to you to decide if you want to keep on like this or set boundaries

zingally · 22/05/2023 11:45

She shouldn't be needing someone to stay with her at 4 tbh.

Fair enough during this period of being ill, but once that's over, you and DH need to be working out a middle ground, WITH dd being involved.

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 22/05/2023 11:54

Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 21:54

@Antsinmypantsneedtodance I’m
always there to comfort her if she needs and always will be, but I don’t understand why he’s not able to be as gentle/comforting..I don’t know, able to deal with the situation, I’m tired, I don’t generally get any break when it’s like this

Honestly, as the parent of a child who will be four this year, I totally understand why your DH is the way he is.

If I knew that every bedtime it would be a long drawn out battle of having to lay there for an indeterminate point of time carefully hiding my frustration because I'm shattered from the day and want to get to bed myself/have something to eat/go relax, I would probably find myself tensing up beforehand too.

I don't think how your DH does bedtimes is the issue here, it's that you've accidentally gone down this road many parents do where you've become her sleep crutch so she can't sleep without one of you being there. DH and how he does it is a red herring.

I'd consider looking into some age appropriate sleep training. She has probably learned (understandably!) that she can kinda faff around, delay going to bed, go slowly, she's the one in absolute control of going to bed here, and that's a really tricky position to be in for the three of you. She's four. Yes, she's little, but she's old enough to learn how to fall asleep unaided.

JandalsAlways · 22/05/2023 11:57

Undisclosedlocation · 22/05/2023 10:45

Well the trouble is, her dad obviously isn’t ok with it. Doesn’t he get a say in the parenting choices too?
If you insist on her being with a parent while she falls asleep every night, (and assuming he doesn’t agree with that decision of course) then expecting him to just tow the line and do things your way is a bit unfair.

Show quote history

💯 this

jannier · 22/05/2023 12:00

Speermint · 22/05/2023 10:07

Honestly that’s just a lack of discipline. Your child shouldn’t be disobeying you when you make a direct request. Instead of snatching the toy you should be focusing on teaching your child to obey his parents.

Show quote history

What is your strategy for obedience if the child doesn't listen to your requests? I can see your school runs taking forever and child being late if it's just please please please

jannier · 22/05/2023 12:01

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 22/05/2023 11:54

Honestly, as the parent of a child who will be four this year, I totally understand why your DH is the way he is.

If I knew that every bedtime it would be a long drawn out battle of having to lay there for an indeterminate point of time carefully hiding my frustration because I'm shattered from the day and want to get to bed myself/have something to eat/go relax, I would probably find myself tensing up beforehand too.

I don't think how your DH does bedtimes is the issue here, it's that you've accidentally gone down this road many parents do where you've become her sleep crutch so she can't sleep without one of you being there. DH and how he does it is a red herring.

I'd consider looking into some age appropriate sleep training. She has probably learned (understandably!) that she can kinda faff around, delay going to bed, go slowly, she's the one in absolute control of going to bed here, and that's a really tricky position to be in for the three of you. She's four. Yes, she's little, but she's old enough to learn how to fall asleep unaided.

Show quote history

Yep.....

Oreosareawful · 22/05/2023 12:05

I'm sorry OP but you have made a rod for your own back and you are expecting your partner to support that rod. I honestly don't blame him for not wanting to follow your method.

Tempone · 22/05/2023 12:35

Goldbar · Today 08:04
So many excuses for a bad-tempered man with poor emotional regulation who thinks it is OK to be irritated with and behave aggressively to his small, scared child

As above.
He is setting the foundations for her future relationships with men.