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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Dh should be able to do bedtimes without me being called up

183 replies

Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 21:40

We have a Dd, 4, we alternate bedtimes, Dd needs us to lie with her for a bit after stories etc, until she falls asleep.
A couple of times a week, there’s some kind of incident and Dd starts crying and wants me, I then come up and lie with her of have to take over. I’m more patient than Dh and he often loses patience with her and tries to hurry her etc/gets cross.
She’s had a slight temp and fever nightmares this week and understandably is nervous to sleep. She’s needed a lot of reassurance and has slept with us all night, which is fine.
Tonight was Dh’s bedtime, I hear Dd crying again and Dh telling her not to be silly, Dd was saying how the shadows of the light shade was scaring her etc, she started to cry badly for me and wouldn’t go to sleep without me. I stayed upstairs with her until she fell asleep (Dh stayed too)
Aibu to expect Dh to be able to to bedtimes and be gentler with Dd
and to just do better, without her always wanting me, or is this normal?

OP posts:
Original poster
Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 22:14

@ToK1 I don’t suppose many people *Want to lie with their child until they fall asleep, but if they need it, they do it, surely? I’d much prefer to be downstairs from 7 with the whole night to myself, but being a parent isn’t always like that is it.
But his way of parenting is getting angry with her and making her cry and want only me at bedtimes? Should I be ok with that? I’m sorry, I’m not, I don’t want her told off and upset at bedtime

OP posts:
Original poster
Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 22:17

@Notimeforaname I work part time whilst Dd is at pre school, the other hours I’m with her until 6 every night, I love it, but I just look forward to a few hours every other night for a breather and a bit of space to myself

OP posts:
JMSA · 21/05/2023 22:17

You're creating such a rod for your own backs with these convoluted bedtimes - sorry 😬

Original poster
Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 22:19

@JMSA Well, she obviously won’t still be needing it in a few years time, I’m ok with it whilst she’s v young, it won’t be like this forever.

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 21/05/2023 22:19

We have a dd aged 3 and regardless of who is doing her bedtime, we follow pretty much the same routine:
Bedtime story while sitting on her bed with her on our knee or next to us
She gets into bed and we chat about the day/next day
Kiss, cuddle, tucked in
Stroke her hair/forehead for a few mins
Kiss on the forehead, say "goodnight", leave the room

The only time we stay with her until she's asleep is if she's unwell and then she's usually in the spare room with one of us anyway.

You say he should be able to do bedtime without you being called up, but then you say that you go straight up if your child calls for you.
How can you expect him to "do better" if you go up and take over?

The only time I go in while DH does bedtime (or vice versa) is if she's refusing to go to bed or getting really worked up as sometimes it can help calm things down. But I wouldn't dream of just going in to take over because she calls for me as it just undermines your DH's role as a parent

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/05/2023 22:19

There is a big difference between being uncaring and too harsh and having less patience than you though. Is he actually getting angry with her or is he chivvying her along when she is taking her time in the bathroom? Likewise telling her not to be silly isn't being harsh, it may not be the best strategy but it isn't harsh or uncaring. Its a different approach to yours but it isn't necessarily the wrong approach.

JMSA · 21/05/2023 22:20

Yes, but it's creating tension in your relationship too.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/05/2023 22:20

Is he getting angry or does he just not want to faff about like you're happy to?

TBH I agree with those who are saying you need to stop going up every time she calls for you - even if that means going out and sitting in the car or going for a walk for half an hour.

Your DH is never going to manage it if you come up the insist your DD calls for you. It's not fair on either of them.

Notimeforaname · 21/05/2023 22:21

In that case op you will have to do it all yourself if you dislike how he does it.

That's shit for you because you miss out on some of the evening but there arent really any other options.

I understand where you're coming from but I can also see your husbands side too, I would not be laying beside a child till they fell asleep and it would frustrate me.

SwitchDiver · 21/05/2023 22:22

Since your DD wants you and your DH doesn’t have the patience, I’d honestly not split bedtimes at all. Equal co-parenting doesn’t meant split everything down the middle. If you do all bedtimes, why can’t your DH do all cooking dinner or all laundry or all after dinner childcare….something else? Play to your strengths in a way where everyone is happy.

Original poster
Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 22:23

I did actually say that I don’t go up every time, most of the time I tell her no and to go back to bed, that I’m doing washing up/tidying etc and she’s in bed with daddy. She was really upset tonight as she’s had such bad nightmares and she needed more care and understanding whilst she’s feeling vulnerable, she’s 4

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 21/05/2023 22:24

Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 22:19

@JMSA Well, she obviously won’t still be needing it in a few years time, I’m ok with it whilst she’s v young, it won’t be like this forever.

@Themegapintthingisback I wouldn't be so sure.
I have a friend who's 8 year old still bed shares with her and her husband more often than not and they only have a king size bed!

Original poster
Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 22:25

@SwitchDiver I do all dinners, he doesn’t get back in time, plus he can’t cook well.
I need every other night to myself, i’ll
go insane otherwise, I need time alone.
Why can’t he just do better??

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 21/05/2023 22:26

SwitchDiver · 21/05/2023 22:22

Since your DD wants you and your DH doesn’t have the patience, I’d honestly not split bedtimes at all. Equal co-parenting doesn’t meant split everything down the middle. If you do all bedtimes, why can’t your DH do all cooking dinner or all laundry or all after dinner childcare….something else? Play to your strengths in a way where everyone is happy.

Then what happens if the OP is unavailable to do bedtime due to an emergency?
Their daughter will definitely struggle with her dad doing bedtime then!

Notimeforaname · 21/05/2023 22:26

most of the time I tell her no and to go back to bed, that I’m doing washing up/tidying etc and she’s in bed with daddy.

I wouldn't even answer her. It just makes her want you more if she heard you. Do not engage at all when she does it, or, do all the bedtimes yourself.

Unfortunately you wont get your partner to parent exactly how you do.

Original poster
Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 22:26

@MsSquiz I think we’re all different, bed sharing, staying with her isn’t really the issue, she generally falls asleep pretty soon after having stories and cuddling up, then he has the rest of the time to himself, it’s hard at times but parenting is

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/05/2023 22:27

Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 22:23

I did actually say that I don’t go up every time, most of the time I tell her no and to go back to bed, that I’m doing washing up/tidying etc and she’s in bed with daddy. She was really upset tonight as she’s had such bad nightmares and she needed more care and understanding whilst she’s feeling vulnerable, she’s 4

You need to not engage at all.

If DH is doing bedtime then you need to stay downstairs out of the way - of course she's going to keep calling for you if it gets your attention - she's four, she's not daft.

Even saying "no, daddy's doing bedtime" is attention.

You say tonight you couldn't leave her because of how upset she was, but then the next minute you're complaining that he needs to do better.

Don't you see that he can't do better when you keep interrupting and getting involved? Leave him to it. Put some headphones in and ignore.

hmrcwhatnow · 21/05/2023 22:27

nobody disagrees with you needing time to yourself in the evening, just that the protracted bedtime is what is prohibiting this.

MsSquiz · 21/05/2023 22:28

Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 22:23

I did actually say that I don’t go up every time, most of the time I tell her no and to go back to bed, that I’m doing washing up/tidying etc and she’s in bed with daddy. She was really upset tonight as she’s had such bad nightmares and she needed more care and understanding whilst she’s feeling vulnerable, she’s 4

But by telling her "no" and giving her a reason why you can't, you're engaging with her and giving her attention.

And why is the way you want "better"? Surely there is a middle ground between you and your DH of ensuring your DD has a settling bedtime routine you both (adults) are happy with. And if your DD sees you're both singing from the same hymn sheet, she might also feel more settled

Notimeforaname · 21/05/2023 22:28

Why can’t he just do better??
He cant do it like you, that's just how it is, you are different people.
If you need the night to yourself you'll have to leave the two of them to get on with it. There are no other options.

Speermint · 21/05/2023 22:29

My DH is the same. He will yell if DC messes about in the bathroom or jumps on the bed instead of putting pyjamas on. He will refuse to read a certain book if he thinks it’s too long and time consuming. He will snatch toys if DC picks them up instead of getting straight in bed. He will say things like “Hurry up, I’m not in the mood, I can’t be bothered”. Which usually means DC ends up crying and I have to take over. It’s not fair on me.

DC is now six and has started to say things like “Daddy is a bully, I don’t want him to put me to bed! Daddy you’re a nasty man! Mummy he snatched my toy and that’s naughty, people aren’t allowed to snatch” I’ve told DH that his child is going to grow up hating him if he doesn’t modify his behaviour and try harder.

Original poster
Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 22:30

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts But if he’d just listened to her and understood she was scared and not merely just being silly, plus not got cross with her, then she wouldn’t have got upset and started getting up and crying for me. He could’ve done it nicely first of all

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 21/05/2023 22:32

I was simply using my friend's bed sharing situation as an example because you said "it's only while she's young, she won't need it in a few years"

I'm all for people parenting however works for them, but this set up does not work for your DH and by default it's not working for you or your daughter because you don't actually alternate nights, you do your nights and get involved in his, so you don't get your "free evenings"

Speak to your DH about how to create a better bedtime routine for you all. It can't just be all your way

Notimeforaname · 21/05/2023 22:32

But if he’d just listened to her and understood she was scared and not merely just being silly, plus not got cross with her, then she wouldn’t have got upset and started getting up and crying for me. He could’ve done it nicely first of all

And if my granny had balls she'd be my grandad...
He is not you. He will not do it like you.
Its pointless to keep questioning why he cant be like you.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/05/2023 22:34

Themegapintthingisback · 21/05/2023 22:30

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts But if he’d just listened to her and understood she was scared and not merely just being silly, plus not got cross with her, then she wouldn’t have got upset and started getting up and crying for me. He could’ve done it nicely first of all

But your DH isn't you. He's his own person with his own way of doing things.

If you want bedtime done a certain way then you either need to do it together or do it yourself - you can't make him parent in the way you think his best.

I would argue that your way works because you pander to what she wants - he's reluctant to do that (understandably imo) and that's what's making your daughter unsettled and upset. You then get involved by responding to her calls or going up and taking over which is only making things worse.

She's learning that all she needs to do is call out or cry and she gets mummy's attention.