To think Dh should be able to do bedtimes without me being called up

[Themegapintthingisback]

We have a Dd, 4, we alternate bedtimes, Dd needs us to lie with her for a bit after stories etc, until she falls asleep.
A couple of times a week, there’s some kind of incident and Dd starts crying and wants me, I then come up and lie with her of have to take over. I’m more patient than Dh and he often loses patience with her and tries to hurry her etc/gets cross.
She’s had a slight temp and fever nightmares this week and understandably is nervous to sleep. She’s needed a lot of reassurance and has slept with us all night, which is fine.
Tonight was Dh’s bedtime, I hear Dd crying again and Dh telling her not to be silly, Dd was saying how the shadows of the light shade was scaring her etc, she started to cry badly for me and wouldn’t go to sleep without me. I stayed upstairs with her until she fell asleep (Dh stayed too)
Aibu to expect Dh to be able to to bedtimes and be gentler with Dd
and to just do better, without her always wanting me, or is this normal?

you need to realise that your partner has as much right to parent your child in a way he wants as you do.

This. Protracted bedtimes can be frustrating. Just because you prefer things done your way, doesn't mean it's the better way. She's 4, not a baby.

Definition of snatch may vary of course.....can I have the toy? Put the toy down it's bed time ....no...no are you going to walk away leaving the toy?

To be honest it sounds like she's learned mummy will over ride daddy if she cries and mummy is in charge....or rather she's in charge and mummy backs her up. Pick up your shoes and put them away....no tiered....mummy cuddle....I'll throw them away then...mummy cuddle some more poor baby tiered....daddy puts them away.
It's bed time put the toy down....no...daddy removes toy...she cries mummy comes running ....nasty daddy mummy cuddles

He doesn't sound very nice as a dad. I would certainly expect him to do better, if he were more patient and reassuring she might not call for her mum.

I hate when adults don't put themselves in the child's place. There's some phrase I'm mi's quoting about listen to the small things because they're all big things to children. Nightmares are scary. I hate stupid threats about put shoes or toys away or they are going in the bin and all that power trip shite. Really.

If a 4 year old needs cuddles at night, it shouldn't be beyond her dad to provide them with kindness.

In all honesty you sound like you are babying her and are far too soft. Yes she is 4 but in a year or possibly less will be at school. You are the one feeding this nonsense by going to her, she cries to get what she wants and it works every time. No wonder your dh doesn’t try to improve there is no point when mummy marches up every night. If he had a good chance to do his routine without you running every time she cries he might even be successful shock horror! The nightmares are shit, happens to them all but what do you want your dh to say? They are silly, nightmares or shadows on the wall are her mind playing tricks on her. She needs to know that it’s silly and just her imagination I get the impression from how you write that you are feeding this too. Good idea would be to wrap her in cotton wool, kick your dh out and you can both share the double bed forever more.

I think it’s fine to sit with her till she sleeps – 4 is still little, we do this with DD too. Though she’s just asked if we can stop! (“When I’m four and a half.”) Which is exactly what ger cousins did at similar ages.

But I agree you need to stay out of it when her dad is doing bedtime, and not respond. Go out a few nights if that’s easier. She will go to sleep.

He doesn’t sound massively pleasant, though, going from nought to sixty in response to normal four year old behaviour like wriggling.

If your husbands struggling to keep his temper when she’s only 4, how is he going to cope when she’s a teenager. I have 3 daughters 10,13,17 and I can’t tell you how the first 10 years are a walk in the park. I used to think it was hard when they were little but it’s a breeze compared to how they are now with their opinions, mood swings etc. mine didn’t sleep through till they were 18+ months but I would trade those battles at bedtime and sleepless night any day!
my husband used to moan and get cross a lot when they were little but these days he talks so fondly of when they were young and how much he misses it and i can assure you your husband will too.

This is what people here aren't getting. It isn't just a different but equally valid parenting style. He's being impatient with her and dismissing her distress with "don't be silly". That's not the right way to treat a four year old. She'll end up not liking him, just as I disliked my parents who endlessly snapped "don't be silly" even when I was an adult, if ever I disagreed with them.

4 yr old and you haven't got her sleeping alone yet 🤔 mmmm ok my 3 under 2s sleep all in own beds and all fine alone wether mummy or daddy puts them to bed as did the older one when little. And I'm sorry but you are pretty negative about your other half why not actually be positive instead of probably making him feel useless and knowing your critical so let's just get mum to sort it.

Reading your replies you don't listen to anybody but yourself anyhow. Feel sorry for your husband he's probably totally frustrated with you. The replies here are pretty much similar and still your just listening to yourself. It ain't hubby with a problem!!

Parenting is hard, but sometimes that 'hard' comes from having to be firm in the face of tears when trying to change something you know will be better for them in the long run. The ability to self settle to sleep is definitely an age appropriate skill for a 4yo.
Your DH may indeed be too firm, but I agree with PPs that you come across as too soft as well as undermining your H. The example of the shoes, however, suggests neither of you follow up with consequences (you because you don't have them, him because he chose something he couldn't reasonably carry out). At 4yo, your DD is young but not the tiny baby you seem to think she is, and she is already working out how to play the system and the two of you off against each other.

This
The child is picking up on the tension of over protective mother, undermining the father . She will end up running circles around both of them .

Your a family, not a machine doing one parent this night the next another night. You support the child and partner as a team.

i think people are being harsh on you. You just want him to put some effort into laying the groundwork for a calm bedtime. He takes her up in a bad mood and is short tempered so inevitably she doesn’t fall asleep and then wants you. Thats not fair as his lack of effort leads to extra work for you and we’re talking basic effort here to be kind to a young child at bedtime rather than putting his own tiredness/feelings first. I really don’t understand so many people saying the OP and daughter should be accepting of his behaviour and that even the OP should be more like it. Madness.

Bath/shower, pyjamas, teeth, story, kiss and hug, lights out and good night. Nothing else required.

If your getting the kid to bed you can’t just throw in the towel. The point of him doing it is so you have a break.

he needs to learn patience

He's taking his stress from the adult pressures of life (work, being busy, tired) out on your DD and that is not fair. Childhood is a time to be protected from the strains of adult life, at least as best as your parents can. We were under severe financial pressure when I was a child growing up, but my parents didn't take out on us. Instead, we'd have fun days and calm bedtimes and then my father would do editing and freelance work for hours into the night (on top of his daytime job) to make ends meet.

I think parents were a lot 'stricter' (for want of a better word) with bedtimes when I was a child, and I do remember there generally being a sense that you absolutely couldn't get out of bed or wake anyone up. I remember waking with nightmares a lot but being scared to disturb anyone. Instead, I'd lie awake, shivering and sobbing quietly for hours, unable to get back to sleep and terrified of the noises I could hear outside like the wind and the trees creaking. It was illogical looking back since actually my parents were quite nurturing for the time and, on the occasions that they found me upset, didn't mind me hopping into their bed at all. Sometimes I'd crawl under my bed to try to hide from the monsters and fall asleep under there. I was often exhausted the next day from lack of sleep - my mother remembers the teachers telling her that I'd often fall asleep during carpet time and asking when my bedtime was.

Maybe it's because I remember how this felt as a child, but I will always be there for my DC if they're having trouble getting to sleep and I will always take the time to sit with them or even sleep next to them if they're having trouble sleeping or being disturbed by nightmares. I'd prefer that to having a stressed child lying awake at night knowing that they just need to remain quiet as if they ask for help, they'll be greeted with grumpiness and aggression.

This.

My dh often gets frustrated with ds and I end up as peace maker. It is annoying. Your both parents, he should parent and it shouldn't result in your dd crying as she is going to bed. I think you need to say to him that you coming in undermines his parenting and try to leave them to it.

You sound knackered and he should be able to help because you need the help - yesterday. Maybe you could look at it like this. You should be able to say "look I need this" and it would be done - in an ideal world. But in the meantime, you could take tiny steps towards him doing what you want. I hate being asked to do something I know I fail at, especially to do with taking care of someone.

You could maybe focus on you as a tag team. He's not as skilled as you, right? Given that simple asking for help hasn't worked so far, you could try subtly mancouraging him - instead of focusing on how you (urgently) need it, you could focus on how you rely on him and your daughter relies on him and he's probably going to nail it because he can do X, Y, Z, but because this is really difficult challenge, it will be an achievement to overcome it. You can really acknowledge any tiny improvement. Who knows, he might become an expert at it. You're only telling the truth.

It maybe seems patronising to you both to talk like this and puts extra strain on you but if you get what you want, maybe you could try it. You're better at it than him.

We still cuddle/lie with DD(4) to sleep 🤷‍♀️It's one of my fave parts of the day. She's asleep by 7.15ish every night so we definitely have our evenings! We just do story, lights out, maybe chat for 5 mins while cuddling and she drifts off. Hardly taxing. She's started saying she's putting herself to bed the last couple of weeks though and about 50% of the time she just plays in her room alone and falls asleep in bed. The other 50% she emerges and asks if someone can 'put her to bed'. So they do grow out of it. And I will very much miss our nice bedtimes when they're gone!

I don't think bedtime is really the problem anyway. Your husband's parenting sounds very different to yours and he sounds impatient and angry towards your daughter. Would he be open to reading any parenting books or is he not that kind of person?

Also the threatening to bin beloved stuff for minor misdemeanours is a shitty and cruel parenting method.

I think when a technique becomes stressful for whatever reason then it's time to switch it up. It sounds like it's time to change the bedtime routine and get some of your evening back too. My 3yo was the same and I deliberately started to 'just pop to the loo' for 30 seconds and then 1 min and 3 mins and then I had to just put washing away in the room next door etc etc. So now he's happy with me pottering about rather than staying with him. I'm still having to be upstairs but I often go and read with my eldest instead. It's made a huge difference to our evenings.

I think you need to realise how frustrating it is for him trying to parent a child whose behaviour reflects their being habitually overindulged by another caregiver, as he sees it. Probably just as frustrating as it is for you that he’s too impatient. You’re not the only person who gets to have strong feelings on how to bring up a child you had with someone else.

OP, you are getting some stick here.

I absolutely get what you're saying. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect an adult, mother or father, to exercise a modicum of patience and kindness when putting their child to bed, and crucially, to be able to override their own impulse to act out any frustration or impatience with a 4 year old.

Posters are piling in to upbraid you for making a rod for your own back by not training your DD to fall asleep independently. How about your husband training himself, like the adult he is, to do a bit of adulting and moderate his own behaviour?

Your husband would absolutely not snap like this at a colleague or his sibling's child, so why should you and DD have to put up with it? Being impatient and venting frustration in this way is a character flaw, not a conscious and considered parenting choice. I can't bear people making excuses for men adults who can't put their own preferences (because that's all it is) to one side for a moment, in order to achieve an overall objective with a positive outcome. He doesn't need coaching or 'mancouragement' (boak, wtf!?), he needs to decide to regulate himself effectively.

I wonder if this situation where you step in has arisen because you know he's got potential for really snapping, and you worry he'll lose his rag? It's exhausting always being on the lookout for signs of a fraying patience or smouldering temper in an adult partner, and trying to shield others from it. His unwillingness to parent with patience and calmness will erode both yours and your DD's respect for and trust in him. Young kids see things very clearly and we absolutely do not do them any favours by making out that the kind of behaviour we teach them is undesirable (being trucculent, snappy, dismissive and impatient) is OK when an adult does it. Massively undermining of the child's developing emotional compass.

If I were you, I'd trade 100% of bedtimes with your husband in exchange for some other thing he can do, either nightly or weekly, but requiring a similar amount of time. Then I'd gradually do what a PP suggested and begin, slowly, to work on a gentle "I'm just popping to the loo, back in 5 minutes" transition. If your DD is relaxed and feels safe, this will be much more likely to succeed. But I'd also think very carefully about how much your DP's immaturity and unwillingness to switch up is impacting on your relationship and whether you are prepared to hang in there.

And some DC just take longer to get to the point of sleeping independently. Whenever I hear a parent say they're still sitting with their school aged child until they go to sleep every night, I don't judge or dismiss them; they go up in my estimation and I see that, whatever the reason, it must be tough, boring, worrying or frustrating, but they still show up. It doesn't last forever.