Sister saved my son, accident

[Incrediblyguilty]

Firstly, I am sorry, this is quite a long message.

AIBU in that I cannot move on from this accident?

5 years ago I moved to France with my husband and son. We had an easy, lovely life, with my DH going to work and myself being able to stay at home to care for DS. Everything was so good, I felt fulfilled and safe.

Then everything changed. My sister who is older than me and chose not to have children, came to visit in the summer 2 years ago. We visited a beach and my DS decided he wanted to go on a lilo like other children were doing. I thought he was safe and I got involved in a conversation with some holiday makers. When I looked, he had disappeared and I just panicked and started shouting my sister (she was sunbathing). We thought my DS was in the sea, so my sister, as a good swimmer went looking for him.

DS was found several minutes later on the beach with another family. He said his 'float' was still in the sea. I tried shouting my sister, I really did try, but she didn't hear and carried on swimming further out. I'm not sure, but I think she could see a lilo and assumed it was DS. My sister never came back. The lifeguard was called and she was eventually found. My lovely sister survived with brain damage. She is currently in residential care in the UK.

I still feel so guilty, this was my fault. I should have been watching DS. I shouldn't have let my sister go looking for him in the sea. We were so close and would always be laughing together. I don't think she even recognises me now or maybe even hates me. DH has not been very supportive, he says I should get over this now. I've tried counselling and other things. Is it time for me to stop feeling so guilty? Is it ok for me to move on? I miss my sister so much I cry most nights.

You poor soul. All you can do that is constructive is to love and be there for your wonderful sister and your ds.
You made a mistake. We all do. Most of us get away with it, and you and your family didn't. You meant no harm to anyone.
It's easy for me to write these things. I don't know if I could do them. But I think you should try to forgive yourself the mistake, and also see that all the things that happened afterwards were out of your control. They happened. They weren't you.

Christ. I don't even know what to say apart from it was an accident, it wasn't your fault but I would struggle to forgive myself or 'get over it' too. Your DH sounds a bit unsupportive.

How tragic all round :(

Oh that's absolutely awful, this isn't your fault in any way . I'm so sorry this happened to your lovely dsis

That's so sad. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, but try not to keep blaming yourself, as much as you can.

Please stop blaming yourself. What happened was a tragic accident.

OP, this is so sad to read, but it's not your fault - it was a tragic accident.

Lots of love to you and your family.

this is such a tragedy, I hope you find some peace.

Your sister was prepared to risk her life for your DS and you. I'm sorry this tragedy happened to you all but she made that decision and knew the risks. She did it out of love. It is heartbreaking but not your fault. I don't know how much therapy you have had but you need an experienced therapist to help you work your way through this. I would contact a few and look for those with expertise in loss and guilt.

My God, I’m so sorry. Your sister sounds wonderful and brave. I think it sounds like you need to forgive yourself. You made a mistake. It had unfortunate and tragic results, but it was a mistake.

Your husband sounds very unfair. A person doesn’t just ‘get over’ a family tragedy like this. Have you been able to access any counselling or anything?

The point I suppose is your sister was responsible for her actions and you for yours. It's a waste of your life to feel eternally bound to what happened in those 10 minutes of your life. We all make mistakes and they are not always forseeable.

You cannot change your past, just your future. Enjoy your son and your life.

Freak accident, not your fault at all.
I'm so sorry xxx

Your dh is wrong to say you should be over it if course, but you do need to learn how to live with it. Without blaming yourself. It was a hideous accident.

Oh goodness, my heart goes out to you. I don't think there is anything you need to forgive yourself for.....it was an accident. From what you have said, you were BOTH concerned that your son was in the water and she made the decision to go in and try and find him....just as many others would. As heartbreaking as it is, your sister made the ultimate decision in this.

I think if you were looking at the situation with an outsiders perspective you would also see that you are not to blame and its a tragic accident.

I don't think your husband is being very kind or supportive but I do agree that therapy is a good call to help you navigate your emotions.

I don't think it is something you can just 'get over' by a certain point in time.

However, your sister was at the time, an adult, aware of her abilities, aware of the risks in swimming out to sea, and she chose to do this.

You didn't force her to do it.

You know you made a mistake letting a child take a floatation device out into the sea, but its a mistake billions of people make every year.

We can all 'what if' to the end of time. What if you hadn't gone on holiday, what if you'd got a life guard sooner, what if someone else had swum out, what if your son really HAD been on that lilo, what if a truck had squashed you all flat on the way to the airport...

So so many decisions are made every minute of every day and a huge number of those choices could be the difference between living to the next one, or not.

For your sanity, you need to seek help to deal with this properly. I cannot imagine your sister would want this negatively impacting your life or that of your son, forever more.

I had counselling for 6 months with a wonderful lady which helped me to accept the situation but I still feel guilty. There is also guilt from lying to my DS about the accident as I do not want him to carry any guilt. He often asks about his auntie as he hasn't seen her since. I don't think I could ever tell him the truth because he may blame me too.

Omg op. In so sorry. What a tragic accident. I don't think there are any "shoulds". You feel what you feel and there is no fixed time line to get over something like this. Is it worth giving counselling another shot?

Also, I normally don't like saying this because it sounds so trite (or because sometimes it can make people maybe feel even more guilty) but I can't help but think that your sister loved you and her nephew so much that she risked her life for you. I don't think she would want you to feel guilty for ever.

huge hugs op.

OP that is tragic.

But your sister did that for you and for your son. And she did it because she loves you. She absolutely would not want you to feel like this.

Your husband is absolutely wrong for telling you to get over it.

However I hope you can find a way to accept what has happened and live in peace.

Thing is op as I'm sure you know, this isn't just about you but about Ds. You must move on or as he gets older he will start taking on blame too. Not his fault at all obviously but if you are apportioning blame onto yourself, why wouldn't he follow your example?

Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. You were very very unlucky your one small mistake led to a sequence of tragic consequences. You probably feel so bad because you are living in a different country to your sister so can't see her that often. She chose to do what she did out of love for your son. She knew it was a risk swimming far out to sea, but chose to take that risk anyway. You didn't force her to make that decision. You can't punish yourself forever and your sister before the accident would want you to live your life fully and without guilt. You need to get good counseling and your DH needs to learn to understand you.

Yes I did wonder about your son. I suppose with time he may come to realise. I think you owe it to him to keep up with the counselling. Your DH needs to understand this isn't something you can get over- you can learn to live with it though. I am so very sorry.

It was an tragic accident OP, you could never have predicted that outcome.
I think you should have more therapy, to try and accept the situation without needing to feel like the blame lays somewhere.

This sounds like survivors guilt. I have nothing to say that other posters haven't said, but I think that your sister would hate to think your life is now riddled with sadness because of the freak accident.
You knew her, would you grieving and beating yourself up mentally and essentially destroying your own mental wellbeing be something she'd want?
Because I know if I'd been your sister I'd be grateful your son was safe and you never had to grieve his loss.

This isn't your fault, it was a freak accident as a PP said and you can't continue to carry this burden of guilt when you have nothing to feel guilty about. She made a decision as an adult and you can't blame yourself for the outcome.

For your sister, not you or even your DS, but for her, don't ruin your life with this. You absolutely must get some help from professionals and start to live your life again, for both of you.

I'm sorry that this happened to your sister and she sounds an incredible woman.
I hope her home is a wonderful one and she's as happy as she can be.

I've worked with brain injury patients and often they're very happy in their own world, even if we can't comprehend it ourselves, because often they don't remember differently.

Please seek help for your feelings and grief, you've lost who your sister was and you're blaming yourself, get a hold of this as soon as possible because it will make you poorly. 💐

Oh my goodness how absolutely horrible, I am so sorry OP. It's like a nightmare and I'm not surprised you haven't 'got over it'.

I don't think you ever will. I imagine you will always live with feelings of guilt, no matter how many times you are told 'it's not your fault'. It's natural to feel guilt. I think accepting your feelings of guilt, and forgiving yourself, might be the way forward. But only a qualified professional can help you really, as it is such a hard hard situation. I am so sorry.

Oh you poor love, this is heartbreaking

Forgive yourself

This is terrible and tragic but there is no fault here

Oh Gosh that is so sad for you @Incrediblyguilty .It is truly heartbreaking what you have experienced. It is so sad that you lost your lovely relationship with your lovely sister on that day. The grief must be unimaginable and I cannot imagine what you have gone through with it. It is such an incredibly traumatic thing. You are completely understandably taking on far too much responsibility for what happened on that day. It was a completely freak accident and your sister acted out of love for you and her nephew. Given that she loved you both I think she would be extremely sad that you are experiencing such guilt for what were instantaneous decisions and extreme circumstances. You weren’t in control of the wind or the waves or the tide or your sisters decisions on that day. You made some small mistakes but not ones that should have resulted in such unimaginable consequences. It was just such an unfair horrific unimaginable tragedy.

Have you been able to cry about this at all? To let the hurt and injustice and loss and grief and yes guilt move through you. I hope that in time you will be able to forgive yourself, I would imagine that is more than anything what your sister who loved you would want for you.