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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister saved my son, accident

198 replies

Incrediblyguilty · 19/05/2023 21:34

Firstly, I am sorry, this is quite a long message.

AIBU in that I cannot move on from this accident?

5 years ago I moved to France with my husband and son. We had an easy, lovely life, with my DH going to work and myself being able to stay at home to care for DS. Everything was so good, I felt fulfilled and safe.

Then everything changed. My sister who is older than me and chose not to have children, came to visit in the summer 2 years ago. We visited a beach and my DS decided he wanted to go on a lilo like other children were doing. I thought he was safe and I got involved in a conversation with some holiday makers. When I looked, he had disappeared and I just panicked and started shouting my sister (she was sunbathing). We thought my DS was in the sea, so my sister, as a good swimmer went looking for him.

DS was found several minutes later on the beach with another family. He said his 'float' was still in the sea. I tried shouting my sister, I really did try, but she didn't hear and carried on swimming further out. I'm not sure, but I think she could see a lilo and assumed it was DS. My sister never came back. The lifeguard was called and she was eventually found. My lovely sister survived with brain damage. She is currently in residential care in the UK.

I still feel so guilty, this was my fault. I should have been watching DS. I shouldn't have let my sister go looking for him in the sea. We were so close and would always be laughing together. I don't think she even recognises me now or maybe even hates me. DH has not been very supportive, he says I should get over this now. I've tried counselling and other things. Is it time for me to stop feeling so guilty? Is it ok for me to move on? I miss my sister so much I cry most nights.

OP posts:
Ihavekids · 19/05/2023 22:12

I dont think you can get over this.

If I were you I'd try my best to live my life to honor my sister. What would she want for you to do, in this situation and in your life in general. Then do it. As much as you cab, everyday. And feel grateful that you have such a wonderful sister, visit her often, remember her often.

This is an awful, awful tragedy, but I'm sure your sister wouldn't want you to let this guilt ruin your life. You have to turn it into something positive... maybe start fundraising for a cause close to her heart... anything to honor her.

I'm so sorry this happened, and wish you all the best.

fluffy2buffy · 19/05/2023 22:13

Do you think you maybe carrying the guilt as a penance? Do you need to feel bad to punish yourself? The guilt in these circumstances has no purpose other than to make you miserable, it brings no value to your life and makes no difference to your sister or the situation. Have you told your sister that you are sorry?

I really wish and hope you can find a way to live with what happened as it's turning a horrid situation you can't change into a life long tragedy for both your sister and you. You kind of owe it to your sister to make the very best of life for yourself. She did what she did out of love for you and your son.

Original poster
Incrediblyguilty · 19/05/2023 22:14

Lwrenagain · 19/05/2023 22:07

This sounds like survivors guilt. I have nothing to say that other posters haven't said, but I think that your sister would hate to think your life is now riddled with sadness because of the freak accident.
You knew her, would you grieving and beating yourself up mentally and essentially destroying your own mental wellbeing be something she'd want?
Because I know if I'd been your sister I'd be grateful your son was safe and you never had to grieve his loss.

This isn't your fault, it was a freak accident as a PP said and you can't continue to carry this burden of guilt when you have nothing to feel guilty about. She made a decision as an adult and you can't blame yourself for the outcome.

For your sister, not you or even your DS, but for her, don't ruin your life with this. You absolutely must get some help from professionals and start to live your life again, for both of you.

I'm sorry that this happened to your sister and she sounds an incredible woman.
I hope her home is a wonderful one and she's as happy as she can be.

I've worked with brain injury patients and often they're very happy in their own world, even if we can't comprehend it ourselves, because often they don't remember differently.

Please seek help for your feelings and grief, you've lost who your sister was and you're blaming yourself, get a hold of this as soon as possible because it will make you poorly. 💐

Thank you, I hadn't thought about it this way. It is possible that she doesn't remember what happened. I do try to visit her 4 times a year and have thought about moving back to the UK before DS goes to secondary school. He is 9 at the moment. My DH has said we can move if it will help me. I suppose he does try to help in his own way.

OP posts:
LiliLil · 19/05/2023 22:14

You have had some wonderful advice OP, I just wanted to send you so much love.

Nobody is to blame here, it was a tragic accident and your sister acted out of love. I’m certain you would have done the same.

I wish you peace x

Minfilia · 19/05/2023 22:15

I’m sorry, that’s so awful.

It wasn’t your fault though. Just a series of unfortunate events with awful consequences.

Timeforchangeithink · 19/05/2023 22:18

What a heartbreaking story. She did what she felt was right and as a loving sister and auntie would likely do the same again. You can't change the past but you can change the future. Don't keep destroying yourself and your life as that really does put the love your sister has for you and your son to waste. If nothing else you owe it to her to do right.

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/05/2023 22:21

Mmm, I don't think you should keep lying to your son though.

He will find out in the end, and deceiving him about it won't go down well when he does.

I'd get help for you and help for how to tell him - start out by telling him she has died, and an age appropriate explanation of how (but probably not 'why' at this point). Much depends on how old he is, but lying to kids about death never goes down well in the long run, as much as I can see why you're reluctant to tell him all right now.

longstayer · 19/05/2023 22:22

In the moment you both did what you did out of love for your son, there was no malice and no intention of harm.

You are always likely to hear that voice in your head that tells you this was your fault. But please learn to automatically counter that with a reminder that she did what she did because she loved your son.

We can't change the past. We can, with practise, learn to limit the psychological damage our own thoughts cause us.

Flowers
autienotnaughtym · 19/05/2023 22:24

It was a tragic accident. You are not to blame, your child is not to blame. It's a cruel set of circumstances that changed everything. Yes you can forgive yourself. It needs to be at your pace. It's not fair fir your dh to decide you should be ready.

handydandynotebook · 19/05/2023 22:24

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/05/2023 22:21

Mmm, I don't think you should keep lying to your son though.

He will find out in the end, and deceiving him about it won't go down well when he does.

I'd get help for you and help for how to tell him - start out by telling him she has died, and an age appropriate explanation of how (but probably not 'why' at this point). Much depends on how old he is, but lying to kids about death never goes down well in the long run, as much as I can see why you're reluctant to tell him all right now.

Why on earth would she tell him she's died?!

Eurodiva · 19/05/2023 22:24

What a tragic chain of events. I have been that Mum /Dad who didn’t keep her eye on the ball as I think most others have …no one is perfect but without the horrific outcome ! I genuinely don’t have any words of wisdom but I hope you can come to terms with what happened and your sister is being looked after with lots of love and care .X

samqueens · 19/05/2023 22:24

I’m so sorry you are going through this - it is a heartbreaking situation. It is easy to say, and only you can work through this nightmare to find peace, but I hope that in the situation in which you find yourself I would be able to imagine what my sister would want for me…

Your sister loves you and you were close. She couldn’t live with the idea of standing by while something was happening to your son - she went into the water to help him. Someone who would do this, it seems to me, isn’t also someone who would hate you afterwards because it went wrong, or blame you, or want you to wreck your wellbeing because of it.

Someone who does this loves you. Someone who does this wants you to be ok. Someone who does this wouldn’t want to see you suffering - and therefore your son also suffering to some extent. Someone who does this would want what happened to mean something positive - that’s what it was intended for. They would want the sacrifice to be limited to them, not passed around so that more and more lives are destroyed.

Be there for your sister, but more than anything repay her by living a whole life - and being a loving, present parent. If you can begin to forgive yourself you’ll be modeling something so important for your son too. It’s not just about being able to experience trauma and thrive in spite of it. It’s also about knowing the fragility of life and letting that be the reason to embrace it as fully as possible. It’s not about feeling weighed down by guilt but being lifted by the gift she gave in her love, whether the outcome was avoidable or not - at the moment she went in to find him she didn’t feel or know that it wasn’t going to go “right” - she just knew it was the right choice for her.

Maybe it would help to write a gratitude journal - even just one thing every day - that you could share with her when you visit as a way of healing a tiny bit. Maybe your son and you could do it together, and help each other feel the things that make you glad to be here and together still. Gratitude, and nurturing it, is one of the things studies show to be a very positive component of life.

Your sister sounds like an amazing person and a very loving sister. If she were well she would want to help you carry your burdens, just as you would for her. Letting her know she is loved and you are trying to heal is all you can do - and, I’m sure, all she would want.

I can’t imagine how hard all this and I’m sure you’ve already tried to consider all the above perspectives - I only offer it as a suggestion in case any part of it might be of help.

Be kind to yourself 💐 (and ignore your husband - he is being very unreasonable).

OooYoureHard · 19/05/2023 22:25

This wasn't your fault, just a terrible turn of events xx

PeopleAreShit · 19/05/2023 22:25

Oh OP you and your sister both sound wonderful people.
Maybe tell your son something! As he can see you are sad and you’re not seeing her and something is wrong. Maybe just a simplified she had an accident whilst swimming and is now poorly, so it’s the truth and not lying and he will find out eventually and it allowed you to talk about her in the way you need to?

Whatafliberty · 19/05/2023 22:27

strawberriesarenot · 19/05/2023 21:43

You poor soul. All you can do that is constructive is to love and be there for your wonderful sister and your ds.
You made a mistake. We all do. Most of us get away with it, and you and your family didn't. You meant no harm to anyone.
It's easy for me to write these things. I don't know if I could do them. But I think you should try to forgive yourself the mistake, and also see that all the things that happened afterwards were out of your control. They happened. They weren't you.

This. I could not have put it better. You poor woman. I am so very sorry that you have had to go through all this. Perhaps counselling would help. Please don't let your marriage go on top of everything else. Live your life for both of you as much as you can. ❤️

WhoHidTheCoffee · 19/05/2023 22:30

I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. In terms of therapy, if you haven’t had specific trauma-focused therapy, I’d strongly recommend trying to find a therapist who does that, and ideally someone who does EMDR as well. It sounds like a really traumatic experience and EMDR could potentially help you - it’s evidence-based and helps many people who’ve experienced trauma.

I hope you find peace Flowers

samqueens · 19/05/2023 22:33

I just read that your son doesn’t know exactly what happened. My thought is that as long as you are carrying that secret it will be very difficult for you to process this, even though it is being done out of love. I think most children do know when something is gravely wrong with a parent in how they are feeling, and it means you are doing extra emotional work all the time…

Now may not be the right time but it might be worth making finding a way to tell your son a tangible goal, if you are able to access further counseling. In the long run it’s unavoidable and a careful account of events might be freeing for you both. He may also know/remember more than you think.

I'm sorry you have such a tough road to travel

lostat · 19/05/2023 22:34

@WiddlinDiddlin are you for real?

Summerfun54321 · 19/05/2023 22:38

This sounds so incredibly traumatising and awful for you. This isn't something to get over, this is something to live with and get ongoing therapy for just to help ease the pain.

LilyLemonade · 19/05/2023 22:41

Gosh how awful, I'm so sorry to read about this terrible accident and the loss of your lovely sister as the person she was.

I wonder if it would help to find others who have lived through a tragedy or carry a burden of guilt, some kind of community or group. You cannot be alone in living such a nightmare and I wonder if being able to share with others in a similar position might lighten your burden in a way that individual counselling might not be able to.

All the best to you and I hope you find a way through.

Original poster
Incrediblyguilty · 19/05/2023 22:41

WhoHidTheCoffee · 19/05/2023 22:30

I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. In terms of therapy, if you haven’t had specific trauma-focused therapy, I’d strongly recommend trying to find a therapist who does that, and ideally someone who does EMDR as well. It sounds like a really traumatic experience and EMDR could potentially help you - it’s evidence-based and helps many people who’ve experienced trauma.

I hope you find peace Flowers

Thank you for this suggestion. I am going to look for someone who can help with this, even if I have to travel back to the UK. My sister was so funny, she made me laugh all the time. I know she loved DS very, very much. The love between them was so strong, people would assume he was her child whenever we got together. Maybe I should tell him she had an accident and take him with me next time I visit.

OP posts:
Welshy26 · 19/05/2023 22:42

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/05/2023 22:21

Mmm, I don't think you should keep lying to your son though.

He will find out in the end, and deceiving him about it won't go down well when he does.

I'd get help for you and help for how to tell him - start out by telling him she has died, and an age appropriate explanation of how (but probably not 'why' at this point). Much depends on how old he is, but lying to kids about death never goes down well in the long run, as much as I can see why you're reluctant to tell him all right now.

Eh? So lie that his Aunty died even though she hasnt? Odd. Big hugs op.

Fernticket · 19/05/2023 22:43

Howdoidoit100 · 19/05/2023 21:56

Oh goodness, my heart goes out to you. I don't think there is anything you need to forgive yourself for.....it was an accident. From what you have said, you were BOTH concerned that your son was in the water and she made the decision to go in and try and find him....just as many others would. As heartbreaking as it is, your sister made the ultimate decision in this.

I think if you were looking at the situation with an outsiders perspective you would also see that you are not to blame and its a tragic accident.

I don't think your husband is being very kind or supportive but I do agree that therapy is a good call to help you navigate your emotions.

This💐

Motherofalittledragon · 19/05/2023 22:45

A tragic accident, there is no blame.

TeaKitten · 19/05/2023 22:48

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/05/2023 22:21

Mmm, I don't think you should keep lying to your son though.

He will find out in the end, and deceiving him about it won't go down well when he does.

I'd get help for you and help for how to tell him - start out by telling him she has died, and an age appropriate explanation of how (but probably not 'why' at this point). Much depends on how old he is, but lying to kids about death never goes down well in the long run, as much as I can see why you're reluctant to tell him all right now.

What is wrong with you? How is OP lying about death when her sister is alive? Stupid post.