Sister saved my son, accident

[Incrediblyguilty]

Firstly, I am sorry, this is quite a long message.

AIBU in that I cannot move on from this accident?

5 years ago I moved to France with my husband and son. We had an easy, lovely life, with my DH going to work and myself being able to stay at home to care for DS. Everything was so good, I felt fulfilled and safe.

Then everything changed. My sister who is older than me and chose not to have children, came to visit in the summer 2 years ago. We visited a beach and my DS decided he wanted to go on a lilo like other children were doing. I thought he was safe and I got involved in a conversation with some holiday makers. When I looked, he had disappeared and I just panicked and started shouting my sister (she was sunbathing). We thought my DS was in the sea, so my sister, as a good swimmer went looking for him.

DS was found several minutes later on the beach with another family. He said his 'float' was still in the sea. I tried shouting my sister, I really did try, but she didn't hear and carried on swimming further out. I'm not sure, but I think she could see a lilo and assumed it was DS. My sister never came back. The lifeguard was called and she was eventually found. My lovely sister survived with brain damage. She is currently in residential care in the UK.

I still feel so guilty, this was my fault. I should have been watching DS. I shouldn't have let my sister go looking for him in the sea. We were so close and would always be laughing together. I don't think she even recognises me now or maybe even hates me. DH has not been very supportive, he says I should get over this now. I've tried counselling and other things. Is it time for me to stop feeling so guilty? Is it ok for me to move on? I miss my sister so much I cry most nights.

Oh my, OP! What a terrible tragedy. My heart goes out to you. Of course it's not your fault but I can understand the guilt that you're feeling. I would absolutely recommend therapy to help you to come to terms with this heavy emotional burden.

Sending you love and peace.

Sorry, I should have RTFT before posting but I was startled into an immediate response! I think that additional therapy would help you, if it's financially possible. As long as it takes for you to forgive yourself and to come to terms with your grief. As for your DS, I would simply explain that his auntie had an accident whilst swimming. Unless of course there's a possibility that someone would tell him otherwise.

Your sister sounds like a loving and unselfish person who, if given the chance to choose how she would have responded, would make the same decision. I know I would - I could never NOT try to rescue someone in mortal danger.

I'm sorry this has happened and that you've been in so much pain OP.

I wonder if it would help to consider why you feel guilty. Presumably it's because you called to your sister, and then she went in to the water to try and find your son? So you feel that if you hadn't called to her, she wouldn't have gone and therefore wouldn't have become so badly hurt? Would you feel the same way you do now if it had been your husband who had been hurt?

The love and protectiveness we feel to the children around us is instinctual and incredibly powerful. Your sister has no children and your sister and your son were incredibly close. To her, he was a child that had a link to her, who belonged to her in a particular way. He was her nephew. Hers. And he was at risk.

Do you really think that she wouldn't have gone in to the water if you hadn't called out to her?

I think whether you had called out to her or not she would have gone in to the water when she realised he was missing. Wouldn't you, if someone you loved was in danger?

I don't believe you would carry this guilt if it was your husband who was hurt. You would understand that it was a choice he made out of love for his son and a terrible accident happened, and that it was no one's fault.

Don't dishonour your sister's love for your son by thinking what happened was your doing.

She made that choice, based on her love for him, and the life changing injury that happened was a dreadful accident.

I truly hope you can move forward from this place you're stuck in (EMDR is incredible I will add!) and I hope that you, your son and your sister are able to build a new relationship. All the best

Dear, dear OP. Life has dealt you and your family a horrid blow, one that is unfair and unbelievably cruel. One that would make any human doubt any belief, any sense they could be made about the meaning of life, and hope, and love.

You carry a massive burden inside you and no amount of other people's reassurances that it was not your fault will reduce that burden, but perhaps the perspective of another big sister with no children would help you.

I am that big sister who never had children. My younger sister has 2 kids I adore. If I had been at the beach one day, and it had been either my nephew or niece whom I thought were in the water, I would have done exactly as you sister did. I can picture the exact moment in which my brain would make the choice, knowing the risks to myself. I would keep swimming.

I have no idea what your sister remembers, or how she feels about what happened. I don't know her and you. But I have your description of your deep love for her, and how much fun you had together. My little sister and I are like that. We laugh at the silliest things. We love each other fiercely. I would have risked my life and my well being time and time again if I had thought any of her kids had been at risk. And I would never, ever blame you for the consequences of my choices, even if that would have meant living with your sister's disability for the rest of my life.

I suspect your sister's love for you and your kids was like that, it had no boundaries. One day you may choose to tell your DS the story of her brave auntie, who gave her life (or her quality of life) for him. Your suffering is a mix of blame, love and frustration for the unfathomable cruelty of life, and not knowing why, WHY it had to strike a person so cruelly when all she did was a beautiful act of self-sacrifice out of love and loyalty. For this, I have no answers. I can't tell you why. I can only tell you that the burden you carry is made out of unconditional love. I so wish you can focus on this love and that it will help you keep going, and find the peace you so desperately need.

Big hugs, OP.

Oh love, this is so incredibly sad. I'm so sorry that this happened. It really was just a tragic accident - there isn't one parent in the world that doesn't lose track of their kids at some point and panic. You're only human. We all are. Your family just got incredibly, incredibly unlucky with how things happened. She chose to go into the water out for love for you and your boy - you didn't force her and you did everything you could to get her back.

Have you thought about what she would say about it all, if she was now as she was then? I can only imagine that she'd want you to forgive yourself, and to not waste your life feeling awful and guilty about a horrible accident you can't change. You deserve to get the help you need and live as good a life as you can, for you and for your boy. It's okay for you to start to move forward from this, but in your own time. I'm so very sorry for everything you've been through

I have lost my 7 year old child on a beach. It's terrifying.

Luckily for us it was fairly obvious he wasn't in the water (not many people were) and the lifeguards found him but in your situation i think one of us would definitely have swum like your sister did and the other would have been grateful they did so, watching anxiously from the shore.

You were so unlucky.

If the roles were reversed you would have done the same for your sister. And you absolutely would not want her to ruin her life feeling guilty about it.

Easier said than done, but forgive yourself. I'm sure she doesn't hate you. What she did was her choice, to save the people she loves.

I’m so sorry OP, what a horrible, unfair accident. I’m so sorry. That’s all I can say xxx

I am so sorry op ♥️

This is just so so sad to read and I'm very sorry for happened. I think I'd feel exactly the same as you and struggle to forgive myself because ultimately if you had been watching him, this never would have happened. But that doesn't mean it is your fault. Hindsight is 20/20. Your sister obviously loved your son very much and I think one day he needs to know that.

Life can be very cruel. It was a set of circumstances that lead to the accident OP. It wasn’t your fault. Life is short, please don’t waste your life carrying this guilt. I’m sure your sister wouldn’t have wanted you too. You need to try and move on from your feelings of guilt or your son may pick up on your feelings and end up carrying the same guilt too. Is there something symbolic you can do to acknowledge your feelings of guilt and then let those feelings go away maybe?

@Incrediblyguilty you've had tons of fabulous advice here and I hope it's helped you realise nobody here is at fault.

If when you next see your DSis you can get a sense of what things will enrich her life, does she now enjoy sensory experiences such as bathbombs and lights? Or does she enjoy any particular things? Maybe the mumsnet hive will be able to give you ideas of activities she may enjoy or things that would make you feel like you are giving her something to enjoy and you can focus on that, a wonderful quote from a PP was "guilt is a useless emotion", (sorry I didn't tag you, couldn't find your name if you see this!)
But she's dead right, it's absolutely pointless.

But if we can help you with even small ideas of things she may enjoy depending on her level of ability now, maybe that new focus will help you somehow?

Lots of residential homes have activities coordinators and it might be worth ringing up and asking what kind of things they do with Dsis and we can go from there to share some ideas of what she may enjoy.

This is still raw and new to you and you're grieving, but let other folk help you with ideas etc when you're ready 💐

Oh this is so sad.

Your brave lovely sister took the risk because she loved you both. She knew that yours and DS lives were worth the risk, that's why she did it. She'd want to know that you both have a good quality life and are happy. You will, I'm sure, always carry some guilt but it's not OK for that to stop you living in such despair and fear.

To think that your sister 'hates you' is just not rational. With a high level brain injury she would t even be capable of thinking that - and from how you've described her- she wouldn't anyway. Try to think what she'd say to you if she were able. My guess is she'd say
"Sis I love you, I did it for you both so you'd be able to live your lives, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat". Because I bet she would. Heroic people are just built that way. They are countless stories of sacrifice, especially to protect children.

And that's not to say that you aren't one of those people. On the day you took a different role to protect your boy - you were looking to find him in the beach, to keep him safe. And you did keep him safe. He's with you now. And since then you've done a thousand things to keep,him safe and thriving. Every day sensible, good decisions to keep him safe and alive. He will love you for that, forever and always.

From what I've read I think you need more support and therapy, particularly to work through the perceived anger of your sister, and the fear of disclosure to your boy. And to deal with your DH who also appears to be struggling with the amount of active grief over a prolonged period (I'm erring on the kind side here as people don't always say what they really mean).

Oh, and to add as parents we all make mistakes, I left some cleaning fluid out when one of mine was tiny and he drank it when I was distracted. Luckily it was relatively harmless. It could have been bleach with catastrophic consequences but I got lucky. At the hospital the staff who were parents were all full of stories where they'd done stupid (human!) stuff, with consequences. One nurse told me she put her toddler on top of a bunk bed in a distracted moment, he fell and fractured his skull (was fine though). Part of being human is doing things in our complex busy lives that have unforeseen consequences.

My heart goes out to you all.

I'm so sorry 😭

What a heartbreaking story ❤️
Just from a different perspective, I have no children but my sister does, if this were me in your sisters situation I would have done the same, and would readily give my capacity or even my life for even a chance that my actions could save my nephew. Please know your sister would never hate you, and did what she did through love, and I’m sure if she could speak to you she would tell you she would do the same again in the same situation ❤️

I am very sorry about your sister. I want to share my story incase it helps you.
I got my license at 17 and a few weeks after this I was asked to drive a van on a camp. I was too young to realise asking someone with such little driving experience to drive a van on country roads was a dreadful idea. The short story is the van wheels lost control on the gravel and we had an accident and hit a tree and my best friend at the time in the passenger seat ended up a quadriplegic.
Mentally she was ok - infact she was amazing how she handled things - and she never ever blamed me or anything and was never upset with me. Her family did not blame me either.
But I could not forgive myself and for 10 years I carried this burden. I did not feel I had a right to be happy when her future had changed so dramatically.
But then a series of things happened that made me realise that the best thing I could do to honour my friend was to stop wasting my life being upset about the accident. She could no longer do certain things but I could…and I was failing to do them because I felt guilty. And then I realised that it was disrespectful to her that I was not leading a full life - here I was physically able to do many things she could no longer do and I was not doing them; mentally it felt a bit like she had given up something so I could be ok and here I was not being ok - so I needed to be ok if that makes sense.
It helped that she did not want me to stay upset - and it got to a point where I realised I was being disrespectful to her not moving on.
Your sister would not want you to be in this much agony. If the roles were reversed would you have wanted your sister to be in the position you are in now? Of course not. You would want her to enjoy her life and be happy and enjoy her family. And deep down you know your sister would want this for you too.
You have punished yourself enough. Let the pain go and honour your sister by leading the life and finding the happiness she would have wanted you to find.

I would agree about EMDR, it's absolutely life changing with a good therapist.

Also 6 months isn't necessarily that long for therapy, and there'd often be different emotions that you don't experience or recognise until some time later.

I understand your feelings but your sister was an adult who did something she thought was right at the time.

Whilst allowing a child to go out on a floaty is not a good idea, that's not what causes the accident. He, as it turns out, was OK, but in the adrenalin your sister made the decision to swim, which unless you're extremely proficient, is never advised.

I'm also not having a go at your sister, just trying to show that ultimately it was her decision making not yours.

Please go back to a good therapist, look for someone specifically trained, and allow that you might have to chat to a couple on the phone/ meet them to find the right fit.

Take care.

I can totally understand how you feel.

if you can afford it (& I'd sacrifice a lot to make it happen) you should (as others have suggested) get more therapy. Find a good Trauma Therapist.

When my 'Godson' was a child we were very very close. He called me his other mum. His Mum was my Best Friend.

I'd have done anything if I thought he was in danger. Anything. Now, I'm not your sister so can't speak for her, but if I had chosen to go in the sea thinking I was saving his life & something dreadful happened to me (we spent our summers at the beach, one with a very strong current, so not an unlikely situation), I would have wanted my Best Friend & Godson to live their best lives. Nothing they could do would change what happened or make me any better.

If I knew who they were it would, of course, be nicer to have them nearby so they could pop in, BUT if they were very happy with living where they were I wouldn't want them to move to be near me and not be happy themselves.

Id definitely take DS to visit. I'd tell him something as close to the truth as I could. I'd only omit that he was the child she was trying to save UNLESS he asks if it was him, because he may have some recollection of the day.

I think they NEED to see each other.

sadly my godson did have a completely life changing event, but he was out with friends. My friend could have stopped him going, I could have stopped him going, so there is a degree of guilt over that, but the reality is, you can't stop teenagers from doing perfectly normal things (going to the beach with friends) no more than you could have stopped your sister going in the water when she believed he was in there.

I think as a Mum myself, I tend to think everything is my fault. When my child falls - I should have done something to prevent it. If my child is ill - it’s somehow my fault. The reality is that it is NOT my fault. But this guilt you carry is because you love and care so deeply, because you are a good person and a good Mum. I don’t think you made a mistake - any more than your DH did in this scenario or the holidaymakers who took your attention away. It was an accident.
If this had happened to a friend, what would you say to your friend? You’d console, be incredibly kind and tell them it’s not their fault. You need to say the same things to yourself, as you would to that friend.

OP, this is such a tragic story and my heart goes out to you! Have you noticed not one person on this thread thinks you are to blame for what happened? A bunch of strangers, who have the advantage of responding completely anonymously, show immediate compassion for what you’ve been through and want you to find a way to forgive yourself. Guilt can’t help your sister. Continuing to be a meaningful part of her life can.

I'm so sorry OP, this is just awful 😞 Of course you're mourning for your lovely DSis and the life she could have had. Yes, you feel guilty, who wouldn't? And that will stay with you, but you didn't do this on purpose. It was a tragic accident.

Be kind to yourself, lots of issues played into the event - inc your inattentiveness and honestly, your sisters inattentiveness too, your son leaving his float in the sea and not telling you where he was.

Rescuers put themselves in danger, mainly they come out of it OK, but their survival is not a given. None of us are promised a tomorrow.

Carry on loving your DSis as she is now x

Btw, I agree you need to speak to your son, but please get some advice. There are a lot of good resources online about how to talk to kids about trauma, but I'd still wait until you've seen the therapist we've all agreed would be a good idea

I don’t think I could forgive myself because like you I would feel some responsibility. However, I would accept that I cannot change the past. Non of us live in the past we all live in the present. You are stuck living in that moment and wishing for a different outcome. This will never happen. That moment has gone. You have to learn techniques to move your thoughts on from that moment and still live your life. You may never forgive yourself or forget but the negative feelings of shame and regret are pointless and destroying your life.

Oh you poor thing, this is a heartbreaking story.

Just on your son - are there news stories about the incident? Might he google her name when he is older? If so I really think you have to tell him so he doesn't learn the facts that way

Oh sweetheart. I think the guilt is only a natural response but I think objectively you need to remember your sister believed your son was in the water. She was not aware that he was not. It would have been different if she knew this and was aware.

Two years ago is not that long for such a tragic event, it will take time so try not to rush your grief. Truly awful for all of you. Your DH sounds insensitive and a bit dim sorry.