Sister saved my son, accident

[Incrediblyguilty]

Firstly, I am sorry, this is quite a long message.

AIBU in that I cannot move on from this accident?

5 years ago I moved to France with my husband and son. We had an easy, lovely life, with my DH going to work and myself being able to stay at home to care for DS. Everything was so good, I felt fulfilled and safe.

Then everything changed. My sister who is older than me and chose not to have children, came to visit in the summer 2 years ago. We visited a beach and my DS decided he wanted to go on a lilo like other children were doing. I thought he was safe and I got involved in a conversation with some holiday makers. When I looked, he had disappeared and I just panicked and started shouting my sister (she was sunbathing). We thought my DS was in the sea, so my sister, as a good swimmer went looking for him.

DS was found several minutes later on the beach with another family. He said his 'float' was still in the sea. I tried shouting my sister, I really did try, but she didn't hear and carried on swimming further out. I'm not sure, but I think she could see a lilo and assumed it was DS. My sister never came back. The lifeguard was called and she was eventually found. My lovely sister survived with brain damage. She is currently in residential care in the UK.

I still feel so guilty, this was my fault. I should have been watching DS. I shouldn't have let my sister go looking for him in the sea. We were so close and would always be laughing together. I don't think she even recognises me now or maybe even hates me. DH has not been very supportive, he says I should get over this now. I've tried counselling and other things. Is it time for me to stop feeling so guilty? Is it ok for me to move on? I miss my sister so much I cry most nights.

"It isn't up to your son as to whether you move back, it's not a question or a responsibility to be imposed on him. That is for you and your husband to decide, your son is already going to have complex feelings regarding what happened that day. He doesn't need the additional responsibility of helping to decide whether you return to the UK, that's an adult decision."

Completely agree with this.
Also agree with lots of points made by PPs.
FWIW I think you should move back to the UK so you can visit your sister more regularly and take a more active role in ensuring she is getting the best possible care.
Obviously you need to check it will be feasible in terms of work and education, but if you can make it work for your family, I think you should do it.
Continue with therapy but also do more for your sister and hopefully the guilt will lessen.

Completely agree with this and also with the PP who asked about safeguarding. You really do need to be much more actively involved in your sisters care and ensuring that she is being properly cared for and her needs being met.

I'm so sorry OP, that's awful.

I get why you feel guilty but it was an accident. No one's fault. Just one of those horrible things that happens sometimes.

I don't think anyone is suggesting OP should, or even could, provide round the clock care. However I do think OP has a duty of care towards her sister, especially because of a lack of parents or siblings. It's horrible to think of her sister in a care facility, not getting any visitors (other than x4 a year). I would feel guilty over that for all the reasons already stated. Her son and her sister also have the right to know about the well being of each other, and this should be facilitated in an appropriate way. The accident was just that, an accident. I suspect deep down the guilt is worse due to the way the situation has been handled by OP since the accident.

Thank you for your kind words. I was starting to panic about my sister being in a bad care home. It took DH and myself months to find this home, we looked at many and believe this is a lovely, caring place. We also had the opportunity to speak to the other residents families which was reassuring. Until we move, I'm going to try vising every other month. We certainly don't want to rush the move and end up somewhere where we are not happy.

OP while I can understand your need to be closer to your sister, do think carefully about the impact on your son and husband.

There does have to be a balance for everyone.

Presumably you already Facetime her if that is possible for example?

I feel like your sister would do it again if she thought she was saving his life.
i know I would in a heartbeat for my nephew.

Of course you chose carefully and did all the research, you love your sister and I'm sure you ensured you found the very best home suited for her needs. That isn't in question. The safeguarding responsibility is there for adults at risk to check those standards are maintained. It only takes a change in management, a dip in funding levels or just one rogue employee for things to go wrong. And it's easier to notice warning signs early if you are visiting reguarly rather than sporadically, so you can take action sooner rather than later.

Life is really shit sometimes and you've received more than your fair share. It's really unfair what happened to your lovely sister, it's not fair that you are now ultimately responsible for overseeing the care of her, it's not fair there are no other family members to help share the responsibility. You've been dealt a bad hand. You also have every right to feel angry over the impact this has had on the original path in life you planned for your family.

You do have my every sympathy but I think you posted for a reason today, other than just sharing your story and the pain it's causing you. You may be moving into a different phase in the grief of losing your sister, and for all essential purposes this is like suffering a death. You may begin to feel a sense of acceptance of this new reality if you start taking trying to take back some control of the situation.

This could be investigating whether moving back to the UK is feasible (it may not be possible but at least you'll know you actively looked into this option) or realise that staying in France is the best option for your family but find ways to make more regular trips to see your sister instead. I think only visiting four times a year will not have aided your own recovery, as each visit will have been a massive emotional event for you and a shock to face the reality of the person your sister is now, rather than the person you remember. Seeing her more reguarly may well be very healing for you and help you reach a stage of acceptance.

When you discuss this with your DS, you may want to just ask him what he remembers of that day without prompting from you. As I'd be very surprised if he doesn't actually know more than you think he does, he was 6/7 years old when the accident happened and it is impossible that he didn't pick up something major ocurred, no matter how much you tried to shield him. And children sometimes make up their own narrative to fill in the gaps, if they aren't given the full story. It could be beneficial to him to receive an age appropriate account of the truth, rather than any explanation he may have created for himself.

You're on a difficult journey and I wish you luck.

Please read this

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/mar/26/disaster-movie-day-partner-drowned-decca-aitkenhead-breast-cancer?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

I'm sorry about what happened to your sister. It was an unfortunate chain of events and no one's fault x

Are you part funding the care home if you had a choice in it? Or did she have a home to sell etc? I honestly think that leaving a vulnerable adult alone in a country in a care home with no regular contact is worrying - who is managing bank accounts, payment of fees, repeat applications for benefits, new clothing etc etc let alone being able to see and raise concerns.

I feel very sad for your DSIS all alone in a care home, whatever the reason / whoever is (not) at fault. With no parents, no cousins visiting, don't know about friends, but visiting once per 4 months (probably quite a brief visit) isn't really enough, IMHO

I wonder if you could pay for a carer / befriended to visit her, so she has someone "on the ground" who could keep you updated about her care

The local authority pay for DSis care, she gets her own money from the government. We send her money incase she needs anything else. We are not well off, just comfortable. The suggestion of getting someone to visit her, perhaps weekly, is a very good suggestion, thank you. I can definitely afford to pay someone to do that. She has a wonderful carer who works with her 5 days a week and she occasionally takes DSis shopping for clothes etc and to the hairdresser.

I have spoken to DS today about an accident, he did mention the beach incident, but I told him it was nothing to do with that. I asked what he remembered and he just said, Mummy why were you shouting and crying? He then added that he loves his auntie Helen and can't wait to see her. I have a feeling that he may know more than he's letting on and will seek some advice about counselling for him.

Well done for talking to him but why did you lie?

I don't know how to tell him, and don't want him to feel any guilt whatsoever. I think it's best that a counsellor tells him about it, when they know he is ready.

Of course he knows OP, please don't lie to him. He was what, 7? I suspect he will fully remember the event. What explanation have you given him as to why he hasn't seen his auntie since? I understand you may need support with this but you need to tell him the truth asap. Obviously it wasn't his or your fault, bit he needs to hear this from you. Do none of your sisters friends ever visit her or has this fizzled out? I honestly feel your guilt will lessen once you are honest with your son and are based nearer to your sister so you can support / just be there for her more.

I hate that there is voting on this - I voted unreasonable because, very gently, it is not reasonable to feel guilty for ever. I wonder if some of what keeps your guilt going is the sense that, if you did not feel guilty, it would seem to downplay or discount what happened to your sister? Its a hard thing to get to a place where you can accept that you could not have known what happened, were not responsible for your sister getting to the point where she sustained brain damage, but will always feel some guilt because it was about your son. There is no set amount of time to 'get over' something that you will never really get over because it is so awful. I wonder if your husband is afraid you will never feel better and his worry about this is coming out as being unsupportive. You say you have had counselling, but CBT and EMDR are better for trauma and may help you find ways to tolerate your thoughts and feelings in a different way. Hugs to you, your sister sounds like a wonderful person, and you are a kind and loving sister.

PS - lots of therapists work remotely so you may try that method.

If he was 7 at he time he probably remembers quite a lot.

Was he there all the time?

Whilst you were trying to shout to your sister, when the lifeguard was called, when she was brought from the sea?

Does he remember you finding him on the beach/thinking that he was lost/in the sea?

If so he'll surely soon put it all together?

I think that's a good idea, OP could maybe read to her for example

I think you need to be more honest, he has memories from that day that he's now putting together. I would tell him she was swimming and had an accident but not mention she was looking for him. Try to stay as close to the truth as possible

I agree. Lying to children is a big mistake, they always know, and that causes more worry than the truth.
As long as you tell him what happened, and present it as the tragic accident that it is, there is no reason for him to feel it was his fault. You can talk to him about how people often feel they are to blame, but accidents happen.
You not telling him is more likely to make him feel at fault, as it becomes a guilty secret.